Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 1577418 times)

BeautifulDay

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5050 on: November 22, 2018, 10:24:50 PM »
Older Brother (I’m 39 he is almost 60) called me Tuesday to say he needed a ride to thanksgiving. He didn’t have money for gas. Now I’ve got no problem with carpooling except brother is a selfish pain. But I’d have let him come.  He can’t afford gas money because he’s having to do repair work on his business and it is taking longer than expected. Now he never has any emergency savings to cover the loss of work. So totally broke.  Had to borrow $4k from our 82 yr old dad. And that money is already gone.

Briefly considered giving him gas money so we don’t have to listen to him complain about work and being broke for 5 hours. But I refuse to give him a penny. So offered to let him come. But his daughter gave him a ride instead, thank goodness.

At thanksgiving he spent every conversation with me complaining about work. Same complaints over and over.  But with DH he starts talking about the new Subaru model he wants. We have a Subaru, but I guess they’ve come out with a larger model?  DH tells him we don’t want the bigger model, we like the smaller cars because: less expensive to buy, cheaper gas, etc. He says his wife will want it for the grandchildren. Neither child of theirs is even married.

Ummm you can’t afford your bills, but you want a new car. Ugh, give me a break.

LetItGrow

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 12
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5051 on: November 23, 2018, 05:40:14 AM »
Had to sit and overhear three aunt type relatives discuss black Friday crap last night. And about one who needed a new phone. It was good because she was going to get the phone for $0.00 so of course she had to do it. It was for sure some kind of higher end Samsung and they were confused about the note that said 'if you lose the phone you owe $$$$$' becuase they thought it was free. It was pretty easy to keep my mouth shut because I do what I can to not talk to this crew regardless of topic.

This specific woman is a hoarder for sure, was unemployed for several months until a couple weeks ago, is thoughtful with a good heart, but doesn't get it.

Roadrunner53

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1634
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5052 on: November 23, 2018, 06:05:04 AM »
I didn't have to deal with any relatives. Spent a nice day with the Hub.

Years ago we would go to the Hubs parents house every other year for TG. He had a nasty aunt who critized everyone. She would tell some that they were fat, criticize what people were wearing, if someone was having a wine or beer she had something to say. She would criticize what people ate. She was from Manhattan, NY and thought she was so sophisticated. She lived in a disgusting rent controlled building that was probably 150 years old her whole life. It had no elevator and she lived up about 3 giant flights to her ugly tiny scrunched up apartment. It was in a crime riddled neighborhood. She would come to CT and criticize the rural area. I guess she thought everyone was a hillbilly dumb ass that just got off the turnip truck. She was mean and had a sharp ugly tongue. Surprise, surprise...she never had a significant other.

Back then I never said anything back to her. But I would not take shit from someone like that now that I am older. She is no longer alive but the memory of her sure is.

Nickyd£g

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 163
  • Location: Scotland, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5053 on: November 23, 2018, 06:11:18 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

I do visit my aunts and uncles (all in their 70's) for a day between Christmas and New Year and sometimes (depending on how things are at the time) visit my crazy brother and his evil girlfriend, 4 kids and a dog for as short a time as possible sometime in December but that's it. 

Maenad

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 339
  • Location: Minneapolis 'burbs
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5054 on: November 23, 2018, 12:00:13 PM »
You do realize, don't you, that it's going to happen again. The entire family knew they had a little toxic emperor of a middle child, and they chose to allow the bullying to occur and to deliberately expel the victim instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. They knew what they were doing was backwards and inappropriate, but they did it anyway, and aside from the one sibling who apologized, everyone else thinks it's just tickety-bickety and pretends they didn't have anything to do with what happened.
Yeah, seconding this for anyone in that kind of situation. DH's brother is the bully, and the second DH was living on his own, family holidays were avoided. We've just absented ourselves rather than continue the dysfunction. I almost feel sorry for his parents, because they no longer have a good relationship with the good-for-nothing son, and no real relationship with DH, so they've "lost" both their children. But they could fix that if they were willing to face reality and make amends. We're not holding our breaths.

OtherJen

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 719
  • Location: Metro Detroit
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5055 on: November 23, 2018, 03:48:10 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5056 on: November 23, 2018, 04:26:46 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

OtherJen

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 719
  • Location: Metro Detroit
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5057 on: November 23, 2018, 09:10:34 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

We should. Ideally, I will have finished mom’s scarf and husband’s sweater and can start knitting something for myself.

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5058 on: November 24, 2018, 07:00:43 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)

We should. Ideally, I will have finished mom’s scarf and husband’s sweater and can start knitting something for myself.

In Throw Down the Gauntlet?  Or Off Topic?

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5059 on: November 26, 2018, 10:41:58 AM »
The holidays turned out well for us. Wahoo! DW and I are always prepared for drama. It seems to happen more at Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Some good news from a few of the bunch. One pair are on to their next business project it appears. Fun to listen to them b/c they are for real and motivated. Everyone else is working and apparently content. One is not and will possibly realize that money coming in needs to exceed money being spent. That realization will happen in a few months I guess.

The shoppers among the bunch shopped probably too much and we'll hear about it when the credit cards come due. A couple of self-absorbed out of state relatives remain so but we know they are okay via other family.

We had some outside fun and I took a long bike ride to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I found a nice bike path in that town and I plan to make use of it each year from now on during the holidays weather permitting. Good for mind and body. I invited others but bicycled alone. The holiday experience in our family is evolving as the kids are growing up and the participants' list changes. 

I had an interesting conversation with someone over the holidays that 401K millionaires are a myth or at least very rare. I explained the math I learned here but it was clear the friend was set in their ways and would not benefit from what I've learned from y'all here at MMM. They are retired and successful. DW and I will continue to lead by example. It can be done b/c its been done.

Found out that another relative has arrived at retirement unable to retire b/c there just isn't enough money. I hope they can optimize their budget and find a way if that's what they want.  I think downsizing the house or selling "toys" won't be an option.

zolotiyeruki

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2812
  • Location: State: Denial
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5060 on: November 26, 2018, 10:59:27 AM »
Good to hear some positive stories for once.

I feel like we could use a "Relatives who DO get it" thread, just like the Anti-Antimustachian Overheard at Work thread.  Should we start one?

Cassie

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4553
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5061 on: November 26, 2018, 11:10:25 AM »
Downsizing was key to our retirement 6 years ago.  We are much happier in a smaller house and love being back in town versus the burbs. Some close friends of ours told us to keep working to afford the bigger house.  Eventually our 16 year friendship fell apart. Very strange.

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5062 on: November 26, 2018, 11:35:59 AM »
Can that what the anti-anti-moustachians thread is for? ;) (My reading comprehension sucks. I see what you mean now).

Everything was so calm this year. Perhaps it is the calm before the storm? Maybe the predicted recession will expose all sorts of family inefficiencies? I hope not.

I think the thing DW and I've wished for the most for the whole bunch is stability and contentment.

A few of them will never be satisfied with that b/c things going well is just boring. A crisis can be entertaining to some folks. I prefer a hike or bike ride with DW and our kids vs a crisis.

A meal or a beer or time with friends and family is just better when DW and I know we have all of our bases covered. Things are paid for. We have a budget that matches our incomes and allows for savings.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2018, 12:40:51 PM by Just Joe »

MgoSam

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3637
  • Location: Minnesota
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5063 on: November 26, 2018, 11:42:19 AM »
Thanksgiving was amazing! My parents went to visit one sibling at her home halfway across the country and my sibling was in a different state, due to work and other things I stayed here and just hung out with friends and had a great time.

I likely will be doing the same for Christmas.

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5967
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5064 on: November 26, 2018, 02:13:38 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5065 on: November 26, 2018, 02:18:12 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Dee

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 648
  • Location: Ottawa, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5066 on: November 26, 2018, 08:00:30 PM »
My mom crocheted snowflakes for years and years and years. I think she could have done it in her sleep. For at least a few seasons, she was selling them at a little mall, to fundraise for the humane society. There was a time when I knew how to crochet them too, which was fun. But she would do all this finishing with starch, which did not seem fun, but sure led to great looking results.

Cassie

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4553
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5067 on: November 26, 2018, 09:58:43 PM »
My mom starched all the dollies etc and they looked awesome. I am too lazy.

OtherJen

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 719
  • Location: Metro Detroit
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5068 on: November 26, 2018, 10:01:10 PM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Off Topic or Badassery, although we could probably also make an argument for a shared journal.

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5069 on: November 27, 2018, 07:23:23 AM »

OK that is 3 of us.  New thread titled "selfish crafting over the holidays"?  where?

Off Topic or Badassery, although we could probably also make an argument for a shared journal.

Hmm, we are in a sense being "Badass" because we are doing this for our own enjoyment, not gifts or decorations for the holidays.  But maybe Off Topic.  I'm heading there to start it.

Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1307
  • Location: Europe
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5070 on: November 28, 2018, 04:30:24 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

I'd love to hear more about the quilted ornaments!

I don't like the whole hypercommercial thing Christmas has become, but I love homemade food, decorations and gifts and spending time with family and friends.

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5071 on: November 28, 2018, 09:55:41 AM »
Oooh me too! That's the perfect kind of holiday - home cooked meals, handmade gifts, table games or movies or hikes or walks or bike rides.

Edited: fixed punctuation
« Last Edit: November 29, 2018, 08:31:33 AM by Just Joe »

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5967
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5072 on: November 28, 2018, 10:36:18 AM »
For the last few years I have done exactly what I want at Christmas: sleep late, open a bottle of prosecco with breakfast, stay in my jammies, watch Christmas movies and eat junk. And it's glorious!

This will be my Christmas morning, with the addition of tamales for breakfast. Thanksgiving at the in-laws' house was highly stressful and exhausting for various reasons. We'll probably host my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve, but they're chill and easy to please. I intend to spend Christmas Day watching movies and knitting, and then hopefully I can convince husband to go for an evening walk to look at the lights in the neighborhood.

We need to start a thread - What I knit (crochet/craft of your choice) on Christmas Day.   ;-)
I spent a great amount of time over this long weekend making quilted Christmas ornaments, and also crocheting snowflakes.  I have a baby blanket to finish crocheting also, but I put that away a month ago when we had a second round of head lice in our house.  So I suppose I can get back into it now - everything is safely dead.

I learned something amazing.  I used to crochet snowflakes when I was younger.  I picked it up again last year, but it was really hard with my aging eyesight and the damn small hooks.   This year, I picked it up again.  It was a tiny bit easier because I now have progressives.  But I just couldn't get my fingers to work.  The 2 mm hook was bent strangely, and I couldn't get it right - kept flipping upside down.  I moved up to 2.5 mm - OMG so much easier to use and to see.  Whee!

I'd love to hear more about the quilted ornaments!

I don't like the whole hypercommercial thing Christmas has become, but I love homemade food, decorations and gifts and spending time with family and friends.
I have a lovely friend who has made quilted ornaments for decades.  She makes hundreds every year and mails them out in her holiday cards.  My tree is full of them.  I've always wanted to try them.  Mine are not nearly as well made as hers.  It's basically making a small quilt "block" of your choice (think 2 to 3 inches square), putting batting in the middle and backing.

I tried a few patterns.  I decided in the end that while I put batting in a few, I preferred the look without.  Here's a pic of the first one that I made, but I also made several other patterns with half square triangles.  My points aren't the best, ha!


pachnik

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1721
  • Age: 54
  • Location: Vancouver, BC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5073 on: November 28, 2018, 10:37:26 AM »
MMM1970 - that's a really cute ornament! 

HappierAtHome

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9117
  • Location: Australia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5074 on: November 28, 2018, 07:13:25 PM »
@mm1970 would you be willing to share the pattern / link for the pattern for the crocheted snowflakes?

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5075 on: November 29, 2018, 06:05:55 AM »
It's great to see this here, but there is a whole thread on homemade Christmas, in either General Discussion or Throw Down the Gauntlet.  And of course the "I'm doing this because its fun and I want to and I will do it for me" thread over on Off Topic.  The actual title is a bit gentler. 

And I too would like the source of the snowflake pattern, without violating copyright.  ;-)

And then this thread can return to its "I can't believe what my relatives just did!!!!" normal level of snark.   We are being too happy here.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2018, 06:10:09 AM by RetiredAt63 »

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5076 on: November 29, 2018, 07:54:01 AM »
"We are being too happy here". THAT was funny...

Lincolnshire Girl

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 19
  • Location: UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5077 on: November 29, 2018, 08:30:14 AM »
New UK Poster here!

My parents have recently "retired" although both are still working part time jobs. A couple of weeks ago, I was a bit shocked to hear them admit that if one of them were to pass away, the other would not be able to afford their housing rent cost on a monthly basis. I was therefore rather confused when yesterday they told me they are (finally!) writing a will and will be leaving all of their money to me and my siblings. I'm not holding my breath on anything being surplus to their requirements. They clearly have no idea how long their money will last, how much they need to live on or what financial position they are actually in! They just bought a brand new car to see them through their old age.

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5967
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5078 on: November 29, 2018, 10:57:49 AM »
@mm1970 would you be willing to share the pattern / link for the pattern for the crocheted snowflakes?
So, I actually have a book of "99 crocheted snowflakes", that I bought in the 1990s and still have. That's what I use mostly!

But I've done some of these:
https://cleverlittlemouse.com/weekend-pinspiration-crochet-snowflake-pattern-roundup/


There are more here:
https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/crochet-snowflake-patterns-979130

http://beautifulcrochetstuff.com/5-free-crochet-snowflake-patterns/

Goldielocks

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5795
  • Location: BC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5079 on: November 29, 2018, 10:58:34 AM »
My mom is a bit too frugal, at times.  (I can't believe I am saying this... me thinking someone is TOO frugal...).

I asked my father for a Christmas present, a life-safety emergency item that was more than I can afford (well, it is 2 months of my personal expenses, so a stretch when I am buying presents for my kids), and more than they usually spend on me for Christmas.    I was hoping he would say yes for three reasons:
1) He really wants me to be safe and healthy, and this relates to an activity we do together. 
2) I have just put in a lot of hours for free, for his side business. 
3) He spends about 4x that every month just giving away cash and things to other people who randomly ask him (through his church).. in addition to his generous church donations.   

He called me up, and said that he would buy it for me, mainly because of 1) life safety device that he can afford, and 2) it would not be a Christmas present, and 3) he was happy to know something that I wanted (I never ask for things).     Yay! right?!

My mom calls 2 days later and says that she saw my request and they will get it for me, but it will be for Christmas plus birthdays for the next one or two years.  ..um... yay?

I should be happy because I normally do not ask for anything, and that I normally get  practical clothing (shirt, pants) as my gift and I am really happy with that.  So this is a bonus, right?  Ack.  Feels too frugal to me to parse it out over several events...

.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

accountingteacher

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 43
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5080 on: November 29, 2018, 11:37:36 AM »
New UK Poster here!

My parents have recently "retired" although both are still working part time jobs. A couple of weeks ago, I was a bit shocked to hear them admit that if one of them were to pass away, the other would not be able to afford their housing rent cost on a monthly basis. I was therefore rather confused when yesterday they told me they are (finally!) writing a will and will be leaving all of their money to me and my siblings. I'm not holding my breath on anything being surplus to their requirements. They clearly have no idea how long their money will last, how much they need to live on or what financial position they are actually in! They just bought a brand new car to see them through their old age.

It is funny & frustrating that different people use such different definitions of "I can afford ...".

Years ago, DH expressed concern that SIL couldn't afford the McMansion they were buying.  Her response was "we can afford the house, we just don't have enough for the down payment."  Face-palm.

sherr

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 533
  • Age: 33
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5081 on: November 29, 2018, 11:38:27 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.

Goldielocks

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5795
  • Location: BC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5082 on: November 29, 2018, 02:06:10 PM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.
I know!  but hearing a repeat over a couple of years of "you don't get a gift this year because I bought you a fancy gift last year" would turn my stomach a bit....   Much prefer a "happy birthday - here's your card"!

HappierAtHome

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9117
  • Location: Australia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5083 on: November 29, 2018, 11:11:13 PM »
@mm1970 would you be willing to share the pattern / link for the pattern for the crocheted snowflakes?
So, I actually have a book of "99 crocheted snowflakes", that I bought in the 1990s and still have. That's what I use mostly!

But I've done some of these:
https://cleverlittlemouse.com/weekend-pinspiration-crochet-snowflake-pattern-roundup/


There are more here:
https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/crochet-snowflake-patterns-979130

http://beautifulcrochetstuff.com/5-free-crochet-snowflake-patterns/

Thanks :-)

Maenad

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 339
  • Location: Minneapolis 'burbs
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5084 on: November 30, 2018, 07:52:51 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.

I'd be rather grumpy if my parents give way more than that monthly, unstintingly, to strangers, and then nickle and dime their own child.

Sugaree

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 197
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5085 on: November 30, 2018, 08:24:00 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.
I know!  but hearing a repeat over a couple of years of "you don't get a gift this year because I bought you a fancy gift last year" would turn my stomach a bit....   Much prefer a "happy birthday - here's your card"!


MIL does that to DH.  It sucks for him.  A lot of times they'll buy him things that he doesn't really need and that will be his xmas present or birthday present.  A good example is last year, he ran his phone through the dishwasher (was watching a Youtube video on how to fix it and left the phone laying on the top rack and ran it through a cycle).  Instead of letting us handle it by getting a cheaper phone, they run out and buy him a brand new iPhone 8, when it had just come out, and told him that half of it was going to be his xmas/birthday present and he owed them $400 for the other half. 

zolotiyeruki

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2812
  • Location: State: Denial
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5086 on: November 30, 2018, 08:32:56 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.
I know!  but hearing a repeat over a couple of years of "you don't get a gift this year because I bought you a fancy gift last year" would turn my stomach a bit....   Much prefer a "happy birthday - here's your card"!


MIL does that to DH.  It sucks for him.  A lot of times they'll buy him things that he doesn't really need and that will be his xmas present or birthday present.  A good example is last year, he ran his phone through the dishwasher (was watching a Youtube video on how to fix it and left the phone laying on the top rack and ran it through a cycle).  Instead of letting us handle it by getting a cheaper phone, they run out and buy him a brand new iPhone 8, when it had just come out, and told him that half of it was going to be his xmas/birthday present and he owed them $400 for the other half.
Wow, that is rather presumptuous.  At that point, I'd graciously reply "I really appreciate the thought, but we are not willing to spend $400 on a phone, and do not wish to place a similar burden on anyone else."

What it *deserves* is a "does it come with a gift receipt?" :P

marion10

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 267
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5087 on: November 30, 2018, 09:49:46 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.

I'd be rather grumpy if my parents give way more than that monthly, unstintingly, to strangers, and then nickle and dime their own child.

Once I am an adult- my parents money is theirs to do as they see fit.  That's how I see it.

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5088 on: November 30, 2018, 10:29:24 AM »
Their money but beware of the con men with political, religious and financial promises. I see a gentle cognitive decline in my parents, my inlaws too and saw the same in my grandparents. There is a reason people target the elderly.

Expensive gifts where money is owed to cover part of the purchase price is crazy. A little planning before the purchase would go a long way. So would cash - you decide which (non)expensive item is wanted.

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9432
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5089 on: November 30, 2018, 10:47:44 AM »

Expensive gifts where money is owed to cover part of the purchase price is crazy. A little planning before the purchase would go a long way. So would cash - you decide which (non)expensive item is wanted.

This, so much this.  My gifts to DD are totally based on what she wants/needs, and always discussed with her first - so I have given snow tires, coffee tables, etc. - or to be more precise, we discussed budgets and my limits, she bought the items and I forked over the money.  But she thinks of those gifts fondly, the snow tires included - what says caring more than being sure your beloved child is not at risk winter driving?

Cassie

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4553
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5090 on: November 30, 2018, 10:51:56 AM »
How bizarre to give a gift and then ask for money. They should have given him 400 and left it up to your husband on how to spend it.

Sugaree

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 197
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5091 on: November 30, 2018, 11:40:26 AM »
.... I think I would have preferred a straight-out "no" to this trickle-out plan.   Maybe I should rescind it, but then I may stir up an argument between my parents... ah.   First world problems.

My take would be to accept the gift, be happy about it, and move on. They are getting you what you asked for. No one is under any obligation to give you things more often or on a particular schedule. There is no way that any response other than "Thank you!" would come across well.
I know!  but hearing a repeat over a couple of years of "you don't get a gift this year because I bought you a fancy gift last year" would turn my stomach a bit....   Much prefer a "happy birthday - here's your card"!


MIL does that to DH.  It sucks for him.  A lot of times they'll buy him things that he doesn't really need and that will be his xmas present or birthday present.  A good example is last year, he ran his phone through the dishwasher (was watching a Youtube video on how to fix it and left the phone laying on the top rack and ran it through a cycle).  Instead of letting us handle it by getting a cheaper phone, they run out and buy him a brand new iPhone 8, when it had just come out, and told him that half of it was going to be his xmas/birthday present and he owed them $400 for the other half.
Wow, that is rather presumptuous.  At that point, I'd graciously reply "I really appreciate the thought, but we are not willing to spend $400 on a phone, and do not wish to place a similar burden on anyone else."

What it *deserves* is a "does it come with a gift receipt?" :P

Funny.  That's exactly what I said.  But his family is his circus and his monkeys...

saguaro

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 91
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5092 on: November 30, 2018, 11:45:15 AM »
How bizarre to give a gift and then ask for money. They should have given him 400 and left it up to your husband on how to spend it.

Indeed.  Though once my in-laws gave us a gift and asked for it back a couple of years later.   They were on a roll with buying artwork and bought us this huge framed print.   We were in an apartment and were moving out soon so didn't want to hang it up, thereby putting holes in the walls that we would have to repair in a couple of months.   They visited and were mad that it wasn't up.  They asked for it back.  We told them we were moving and would hang it up on our new home which satisfied them though they would have not gotten it back in any case.

Many years later, the print is still not up.   The whole kerfuffle over it really pissed us off and seeing it only reminds us of that ridiculous situation. 

Just Joe

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2193
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5093 on: November 30, 2018, 12:44:46 PM »
Feel free to share more stories. ;)

DW and I have a few complicated relationships within the family. Stressful to deal with in the short term, a source of good eyerollers after a cooling off period.

zolotiyeruki

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2812
  • Location: State: Denial
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5094 on: November 30, 2018, 01:50:20 PM »
Funny.  That's exactly what I said.  But his family is his circus and his monkeys...
Yeah, but that $400 comes out of your (plural) bank account.

Roadrunner53

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1634
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5095 on: November 30, 2018, 02:17:08 PM »
How bizarre to give a gift and then ask for money. They should have given him 400 and left it up to your husband on how to spend it.

Indeed.  Though once my in-laws gave us a gift and asked for it back a couple of years later.   They were on a roll with buying artwork and bought us this huge framed print.   We were in an apartment and were moving out soon so didn't want to hang it up, thereby putting holes in the walls that we would have to repair in a couple of months.   They visited and were mad that it wasn't up.  They asked for it back.  We told them we were moving and would hang it up on our new home which satisfied them though they would have not gotten it back in any case.

Many years later, the print is still not up.   The whole kerfuffle over it really pissed us off and seeing it only reminds us of that ridiculous situation.

Why don't you just hang it up? I am sure they wanted to give you something nice and if you like it just hang it up.

Sugaree

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 197
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5096 on: December 01, 2018, 06:52:42 AM »
Funny.  That's exactly what I said.  But his family is his circus and his monkeys...
Yeah, but that $400 comes out of your (plural) bank account.

Nah, it comes out of his discretionary money.  Really, I suspect that a portion of it as "worked off" by doing stuff around their house.

saguaro

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 91
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5097 on: December 02, 2018, 09:17:14 AM »
How bizarre to give a gift and then ask for money. They should have given him 400 and left it up to your husband on how to spend it.

Indeed.  Though once my in-laws gave us a gift and asked for it back a couple of years later.   They were on a roll with buying artwork and bought us this huge framed print.   We were in an apartment and were moving out soon so didn't want to hang it up, thereby putting holes in the walls that we would have to repair in a couple of months.   They visited and were mad that it wasn't up.  They asked for it back.  We told them we were moving and would hang it up on our new home which satisfied them though they would have not gotten it back in any case.

Many years later, the print is still not up.   The whole kerfuffle over it really pissed us off and seeing it only reminds us of that ridiculous situation.

Why don't you just hang it up? I am sure they wanted to give you something nice and if you like it just hang it up.

Well there is still the chance of that I am thinking.  In spite of years of decluttering, it's still around, safe in a box, and it's DH's decision on whether it stays or goes, I won't do anything with it.  Thus far he hasn't wanted to part with it either. 

SwordGuy

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4462
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
    • Flipping Fayetteville
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5098 on: December 02, 2018, 10:39:27 AM »
...  A lot of times they'll buy him things that he doesn't really need and that will be his xmas present or birthday present.  A good example is last year, he ran his phone through the dishwasher (was watching a Youtube video on how to fix it and left the phone laying on the top rack and ran it through a cycle).  Instead of letting us handle it by getting a cheaper phone, they run out and buy him a brand new iPhone 8, when it had just come out, and told him that half of it was going to be his xmas/birthday present and he owed them $400 for the other half.
Wow!  That's a serious lack of class.


My parents were visiting over Christmas some years back. I had bought him a nice scroll saw for his shop.   I knew he didn't have one.


When I gave it to him, he pompously informed me that he had bought a better one for himself already.   He didn't want it.


Okey-dokey.   So I took him back to Lowes with me and returned it.   And didn't buy him anything else.

Roadrunner53

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1634
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #5099 on: December 02, 2018, 11:40:52 AM »
How bizarre to give a gift and then ask for money. They should have given him 400 and left it up to your husband on how to spend it.

Indeed.  Though once my in-laws gave us a gift and asked for it back a couple of years later.   They were on a roll with buying artwork and bought us this huge framed print.   We were in an apartment and were moving out soon so didn't want to hang it up, thereby putting holes in the walls that we would have to repair in a couple of months.   They visited and were mad that it wasn't up.  They asked for it back.  We told them we were moving and would hang it up on our new home which satisfied them though they would have not gotten it back in any case.

Many years later, the print is still not up.   The whole kerfuffle over it really pissed us off and seeing it only reminds us of that ridiculous situation.

Why don't you just hang it up? I am sure they wanted to give you something nice and if you like it just hang it up.

Well there is still the chance of that I am thinking.  In spite of years of decluttering, it's still around, safe in a box, and it's DH's decision on whether it stays or goes, I won't do anything with it.  Thus far he hasn't wanted to part with it either.

Why don't you talk to your SO and make plans to put it up. Get it up before the new year, invite your in laws over for some reason and let them see it up. Put closure to the whole thing and enjoy knowing that chapter is closed. Put a positive spin on it, have a few glasses of wine then watch some Netflix! Life is too short to dwell on dumb things.