Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 1513525 times)

SheWhoWalksAtLunch

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4950 on: October 10, 2018, 01:12:01 PM »
New to the forums and enjoying this thread. 

Back in 2008 when the housing market bubble crashed, I mentioned to my SIL that I was refinancing our house to take advantage of the 4+% drop in rates.  She confessed she rather keep her almost 9% rate than show anyone at the bank her full financial picture.  Ten years later the DH and I are debt and mortgage free and planning to RE in a few years.  SIL who makes more than DH and I combined, and who is married to second wage earner, recently complained that she will never be able to retire because of all their bills.

MrsWhipple

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 416
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4951 on: October 10, 2018, 05:56:38 PM »
MIL: "The cruise was so fun! When will you be able to come with us on a cruise?"
Me: "Oh, I'd love to do an Alaska cruise sometime and see the glaciers!"
MIL: "That's way too far! We just want to cruise around for a few days."
Me: "Oh, okay. To where?"
MIL: "It doesn't matter! The important part of a cruise is that you just hang out and eat all day!"
Me: (shuddering internally) "Wow. Sounds... great. Maybe some time next year then."

I work out every single day with my gym buddies, I eat like a health freak, I love going out in nature. Spending a week on a floating condominium is like my personal version of hell. Our toddler's books and toys and food wouldn't be there and her routine would be completely fucked. And we wouldn't be able to smoke weed. Oh, but we get to shove mediocre food and alcohol into our gullets for days on end! Sounds fabulous! Sign me up!

Not to mention my inlaws are in debt up to their eyeballs! Why another cruise? WHY? Just stop spending money on stupid things already!

Dave1442397

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 838
  • Location: NJ
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4952 on: October 10, 2018, 06:15:47 PM »
This is my kind of Alaskan cruise -

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/going-our-way-seeing-alaskas-inside-passage-by-ferry/2011/10/24/gIQAbcYiJM_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a125e280364f

I've been on one cruise, and while it was fun, I have no desire to do the big ship thing again.



craiglepaige

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1190
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4953 on: October 10, 2018, 07:07:02 PM »
If eating neverending mediocre food is their thing, they can just hang out a Golden Corral for a weekend and save a lot of money.

Miss Piggy

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1243
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4954 on: October 10, 2018, 08:03:07 PM »
This is my kind of Alaskan cruise -

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/going-our-way-seeing-alaskas-inside-passage-by-ferry/2011/10/24/gIQAbcYiJM_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a125e280364f


We did this. Most beautiful place on earth...by ferry. Around every curve, the view was more beautiful than what was just left behind. Highly, highly, highly recommend. I can't wait to do it again, potentially next summer when FIREd.

SwordGuy

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4306
  • Location: Fayetteville, NC
    • Flipping Fayetteville
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4955 on: October 10, 2018, 09:55:49 PM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sorry, I simply don't see the "they don't get it" part. Nothing you wrote seems unreasonable or extreme to me. It isn't even spontaneous.

For the record, I said no such thing.  Someone else said that and you (and several others) have attributed it to me.


Linda_Norway

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3367
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4956 on: October 11, 2018, 01:35:08 AM »
New to the forums and enjoying this thread. 

Back in 2008 when the housing market bubble crashed, I mentioned to my SIL that I was refinancing our house to take advantage of the 4+% drop in rates.  She confessed she rather keep her almost 9% rate than show anyone at the bank her full financial picture.  Ten years later the DH and I are debt and mortgage free and planning to RE in a few years.  SIL who makes more than DH and I combined, and who is married to second wage earner, recently complained that she will never be able to retire because of all their bills.

Welcome to the forums.


Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: Europe
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4957 on: October 11, 2018, 01:35:35 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

Linda_Norway

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3367
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4958 on: October 11, 2018, 02:09:02 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

A sad situation for her to be in, and especially the kids.

It could have been avoidable if they would have paid their bills and had a life insurance on each other's life. If I compare to my parents, they once refinanced their mortgage when they had trouble paying the high bills. My mother started working evening jobs to earn more money. When my father unexpectedly died, his life insurance was paid out to my mother, who then was left financially comfortable. If my mother would have died, my father would also have received a small life insurance.

It is strange to rely completely on a partner to do all the financial stuff. But maybe he lied about his situation and it is mainly his fault? If they did not have a shared account, then maybe it wasn't so easy for her to actually check? But it could be very possible that she just wasn't interested in anything financial other than spending and that is not very smart behaviour.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 05:12:36 AM by Linda_Norway »

Feivel2000

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 177
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Germany
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4959 on: October 11, 2018, 02:57:00 AM »
However, my DW would like to go and I'm sure our 6 year old boy would love it as well.

If your vacation days are that precious, how about your wife and kid go alone? Couldn't they just join your parents in their car?
Sorry, I simply don't see the "they don't get it" part. Nothing you wrote seems unreasonable or extreme to me. It isn't even spontaneous.

For the record, I said no such thing.  Someone else said that and you (and several others) have attributed it to me.

oh f***, I you are right. I am sorry for this mistake.
On an unrelated note, I really would like this forum to have a mobile friedly theme.

Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: Europe
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4960 on: October 11, 2018, 04:17:05 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

A said situation for her to be in, and especially the kids.

It could have been avoidable if they would have paid their bills and had a life insurance on each other's life. If I compare to my parents, they once refinanced their mortgage when they had trouble paying the high bills. My mother started working evening jobs to earn more money. When my father unexpectedly died, his life insurance was paid out to my mother, who then was left financially comfortable. If my mother would have died, my father would also have received a small life insurance.

It is strange to rely completely on a partner to do all the financial stuff. But maybe he lied about his situation and it is mainly his fault? If they did not have a shared account, then maybe it wasn't so easy for her to actually check? But it could be very possible that she just wasn't interested in anything financial other than spending and that is not very smart behaviour.

The worst part is that they actually had life insurance, but they were also behind on that, which means they won't get a payout.

I'm not sure if she had access to the account the mortgage was payed from, but there were warning signs about his financial behaviour that she chose to ignore. I also think any responsible adult should demand access to the account the joint mortgage is paid from. Not checking and completely trusting your partner is irresponsible. She's only in her 30s and she's not stupid. I feel sorry for the situation she's in, but this happens when you ignore important things.

We have life insurance, even though we would not need it to pay the bills. If the worst happens, we want each other to be as comfortable as possible in the situation they're in. That peace of mind is absolutely worth the 10/month premium.

AMandM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 603
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4961 on: October 11, 2018, 07:57:05 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

This is a story for the "make a will" threads, as well as a warning to know what's going on in shared finances.

I am sorry for your sister, but honestly I feel worse for the poor kids. They've lost their father, their home, and presumably also their mother-figure (I assume your sister is not their guardian). What a lot of trauma all at once!

Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: Europe
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4962 on: October 11, 2018, 08:52:14 AM »
I have a cousin in a pretty shitty situation. I feel bad for her and her kids that she's ended up like this, but it seems I'm the only person who feels she's not a victim.

She lived with, but was not married to, a man with kids from a previous relationship. They owned a property together and the mortgage and life insurance weren't paid for a year. Then he tragically dies. She's forced to sell the house now and the proceeds of his share in the house (not much after the mortgage has been paid off) will go to his kids, not to her. The mean bank is not willing to give her a new mortgage so she's forced to rent which is difficult where we live.

Of course everyone blames the dead guy now and she knew nothing about this until he passed away. I find that very hard to believe, but even if it's true that he took care of all the financial matters, as a grown up adult she should have checked whether the bills were really paid.

This is a story for the "make a will" threads, as well as a warning to know what's going on in shared finances.

I am sorry for your sister, but honestly I feel worse for the poor kids. They've lost their father, their home, and presumably also their mother-figure (I assume your sister is not their guardian). What a lot of trauma all at once!

It's met cousin, not my sister, so we're not close relatives. I feel extremely sorry for the poor kids. The cousin is also their guardian but if she wants to keep the kids she needs to find housing asap. The house will be sold in a few weeks.

I completely agree this is why people need to make wills - especially when you are unmarried but own joint property or have kids from a previous relationship. Everyone who's not single and childless should have a will that is updated every 5 years or so.

jinga nation

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 954
  • Location: 'Murica's Wang
  • Left, Right, Peddlin' Shite
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4963 on: October 11, 2018, 10:54:19 AM »
Not super-drama worthy, but I swore like a sailor when my wife showed me a wall of texts last night.
I have to go to an industry conference in Late November, company paid, mandatory. This was decided in March. Flights and room are paid for.
In June, a first cousin F1 gave us tentative dates for her wedding in a state half way around the country. Yesterday she texted us the final dates for the wedding on a major holiday weekend.
Another first cousin F2 wants my wife and kids to travel over this crazy holiday weekend to meet them at F1's wedding. Flights are absurd expensive (can still afford), but we're not close to F1; (she's obnoxious telling us how to have kids and raise them when she didn't have a man). My dad and bro's family are going, so I'm being represented by my "clan".
Wife tells F2 that we won't attend as it's crazy for her to fly with kids during that time period and I'm not there to help; our kids are super energy, can't contain them at the airport. F2 tries to guilt trip my wife that she just wants us to be there so that our and F2's kids can play with each other.
Like WTF, are we your baby-sitter/play-dates? If we're going to a wedding, I want my kids to be sitting and observing and enjoying the wedding (which they do very well), not to be a t a play-date.
I went into a swear tirade, didn't realize my kids were sitting next to me. Had to do squats holding my ears as punishment.
Have now cancelled my plans to visit F2 in May once school year is over. I love F2 and her family, but her assholic selfishness has a price.

Follow-Up:
F2 called my dad to convince him. He said that my wife was taking care of my granny and our kids and working FT while I'm on work trip and my dad is in half-way state at the afore-mentioned wedding.
F2 then called my wife a couple of days later to try to convince her. She does this every couple of days; wifey is a saint with patience and doesn't get mad at F2 or venting out at me.
F2 then tried to video call me a week back. Didn't return call, ain't no message left.
F2 tried to have my Bro and SIL get involved in convincing game, luckily Bro ain't got time for nonsense, and SIL decided to stay the fuck outta this.
F2 then tried to video call me a couple of days back. Noped the fuck outta that.
Messaged F2 and let her know that I am aware of her shenanigans and any further efforts will result in us not visiting them in 2019. Or them coming down here to my place.
Messaged F2's husband to tell her to calm down and mind her own business.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 12:05:51 PM by jinga nation »

AMandM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 603
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4964 on: October 12, 2018, 08:00:57 AM »
It's met cousin, not my sister, so we're not close relatives. I feel extremely sorry for the poor kids. The cousin is also their guardian but if she wants to keep the kids she needs to find housing asap. The house will be sold in a few weeks.

I completely agree this is why people need to make wills - especially when you are unmarried but own joint property or have kids from a previous relationship. Everyone who's not single and childless should have a will that is updated every 5 years or so.

Oops, sorry, my bad on the sister/cousin confusion.
As the children's guardian might she be allowed to use the proceeds from the sale of the house as a down payment on another, smaller house for which she could qualify for the payments? It is really hard, because she probably wants to keep the kids in the same school district, and the choices there may be limited.

Imma

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: Europe
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4965 on: October 12, 2018, 04:24:47 PM »
It's met cousin, not my sister, so we're not close relatives. I feel extremely sorry for the poor kids. The cousin is also their guardian but if she wants to keep the kids she needs to find housing asap. The house will be sold in a few weeks.

I completely agree this is why people need to make wills - especially when you are unmarried but own joint property or have kids from a previous relationship. Everyone who's not single and childless should have a will that is updated every 5 years or so.

Oops, sorry, my bad on the sister/cousin confusion.
As the children's guardian might she be allowed to use the proceeds from the sale of the house as a down payment on another, smaller house for which she could qualify for the payments? It is really hard, because she probably wants to keep the kids in the same school district, and the choices there may be limited.

In our country, school districts aren't a thing, but she is trying to keep the kids in the same school. We live in a very urban area with an overheated housing market, so both buying and renting are difficult.

After the mortgage, the kids' inheritance is only something like 5k each. I think under normal circumstances she probably would have been allowed to use that to buy a new home for the family, but because cousin and her late husband didn't pay their mortgage for a year before he died she's not going to get a mortgage until her credit rating recovers (and that's going to take years). If only they had at least kept up with their life insurance payments she would not be in the mess they're in now.