Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 1040075 times)

dandarc

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3350 on: July 18, 2017, 01:38:12 PM »
Just discovered this thread...I'm sure my father is going to be making lots of appearances. Here's the most recent facepalm.

He sold a property in 2016 and netted ~$60k. He used most of it to pay down debts, which is great; treated himself to a vacation, which I have no real issues with since he works harder than anyone I know and was long overdue for a mental health break; and then blew the rest on nonsense. By April 2017, he only had about $2,000 left. He decided he was going to use it to buy an RV, despite never having expressed any interest in owning an RV, not enjoying camping, and not being the sort of person who wants to up sticks away from his business and snowbird his way around the US. I tried to talk through all of that with him, and also floated the idea of him saving the $2,000 for a rainy day, but he was adamant that he was buying the RV because he was getting such a great deal.

In June, he asked me for a $2,000 loan to explore a new business venture. I asked how that $2,000 RV was working out.

The icing on the cake is that he makes ~$165k/year, so over $200k in 2016 with the property sale. I work in education and only recently got to $45k. One of us is perennially broke and scrambling at the end of the month; one of us has savings and never has to wonder if they have enough money to pay their bills. I will leave it to your imagination to figure out which lifestyle goes with which salary.
To paraphrase Dave Ramsey - Sounds like your dad has tried to out-earn his stupidity and failed.

Sibley

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3351 on: July 18, 2017, 01:42:25 PM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3352 on: July 18, 2017, 01:52:40 PM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

One of my former roommates basically had no furniture. No couch, table, etc because he's not really home a lot (always doing something with friends or working). Not even a bed. He prefers to sleep without one because it's better for his back. I actually furnished the room he was staying in too, wish I knew that wasn't really necessary!

ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3353 on: July 18, 2017, 02:17:47 PM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3354 on: July 18, 2017, 02:40:27 PM »
I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

My first apartment out of college... in the smallish living room I had a nice new couch, a coffee table that I'd repainted, and a nice glider rocking chair (with cushions, pretty comfy). I was dating a guy who apparently secretly thought I needed a real armchair instead of the rocker. So one day he showed up and said hey, I bought a chair at the Goodwill near your place, do you mind helping me carry it over here and then I'll borrow a car and come get it? I said sure. We went to pick it up and it was a really bulky chair with a hideous floral pattern. And we had to pick up and carry that fucker three-quarters of a mile on foot. Ugh. After a couple of weeks I bugged him about getting a car to come pick it up, and that's when he revealed his secret plan, which was to get the thing into my apartment and then say it was a gift all along, when it's too late to say no. :-/

Sometimes you don't see these relationship red flags until you've got the 20/20 hindsight going on...
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solon

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3355 on: July 18, 2017, 02:45:39 PM »
These poor guys. They probably have no idea what went wrong. They're doing the most helpful things they can think of to show their love, but it just isn't good enough.

ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3356 on: July 18, 2017, 02:48:33 PM »
These poor guys. They probably have no idea what went wrong. They're doing the most helpful things they can think of to show their love, but it just isn't good enough.

That was precisely this guy's problem. He often told me that he already knew what women liked, as a way of telling me I was wrong about my preferences.

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3357 on: July 18, 2017, 03:35:05 PM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

95% of what I use the ex-gf's dinning room table for is as a place to set my Chrome book when it is charging.  On the other hand without a table there I will likely hit my head on the hanging light... I mostly eat on the deck - why would I not?

I do have a bed/dresser but no chair suitable for holding cloths that is not clean but not yet in need of washing.  Will have to see how things look and feel to determine what I 'need' to acquire.
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TartanTallulah

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3358 on: July 18, 2017, 08:22:14 PM »




3) My MIL is a borderline gambling addict who routinely blows $200-$300 per casino visit.  They stopped at 2 on their drive over here and will stop at 2 on their drive back.  I only say borderline because she (for the moment) is able to stop herself at a designated spend amount.

And there is the latest financial gossip about my BIL and his family.  He claims he makes $185K, and yet also claims that he's saving virtually nothing and is living paycheck to paycheck.  He says he puts $50 a month per kid into a 509 plan and that's it. HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?  I cannot get my head around it.

My best bet is that the BIL is exaggerating.  Maybe he makes a little less and saves a little more than he's claiming.  Maybe he's not counting his 401(K) contributions or something.  But this has always been the narrative--he works super hard and makes good money, but they're always strapped.  Are you familiar with the old robot expression, "Does not compute"?

Could BIL be a gambler too? That's an efficient way to shred a large paycheck, and there are many ways to be a gambling addict without it being obvious.



With This Herring

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3359 on: July 18, 2017, 09:36:01 PM »
I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

My first apartment out of college... in the smallish living room I had a nice new couch, a coffee table that I'd repainted, and a nice glider rocking chair (with cushions, pretty comfy). I was dating a guy who apparently secretly thought I needed a real armchair instead of the rocker. So one day he showed up and said hey, I bought a chair at the Goodwill near your place, do you mind helping me carry it over here and then I'll borrow a car and come get it? I said sure. We went to pick it up and it was a really bulky chair with a hideous floral pattern. And we had to pick up and carry that fucker three-quarters of a mile on foot. Ugh. After a couple of weeks I bugged him about getting a car to come pick it up, and that's when he revealed his secret plan, which was to get the thing into my apartment and then say it was a gift all along, when it's too late to say no. :-/

Sometimes you don't see these relationship red flags until you've got the 20/20 hindsight going on...

Wow, you two really dodged a bullet.  This Etiquette Hell story could have been your futures.
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Step37

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3360 on: July 18, 2017, 09:47:01 PM »
Seriously, none of you guys have The Chair? I thought that was pretty much the universal place to store worn-but-still-clean-enough clothes.

Hahaha!! I have a couple of multi-peg hooks that hang in my *closet* (actually a small bedroom/ridiculous/need to downsize wardrobe/face punch) for this purpose. There's also a chair in there, but it's a small one. The clothes stay less wrinkly when I'm not squashing them as I put on my socks...
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jfolsen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3361 on: July 18, 2017, 10:27:17 PM »
I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

My first apartment out of college... in the smallish living room I had a nice new couch, a coffee table that I'd repainted, and a nice glider rocking chair (with cushions, pretty comfy). I was dating a guy who apparently secretly thought I needed a real armchair instead of the rocker. So one day he showed up and said hey, I bought a chair at the Goodwill near your place, do you mind helping me carry it over here and then I'll borrow a car and come get it? I said sure. We went to pick it up and it was a really bulky chair with a hideous floral pattern. And we had to pick up and carry that fucker three-quarters of a mile on foot. Ugh. After a couple of weeks I bugged him about getting a car to come pick it up, and that's when he revealed his secret plan, which was to get the thing into my apartment and then say it was a gift all along, when it's too late to say no. :-/

Sometimes you don't see these relationship red flags until you've got the 20/20 hindsight going on...

Occasionally it works out OK, though. Not the deception part, that is universally bad.

I had two friends of mine who had just graduated from college and had gotten an apartment together to save money. I was spending a bunch of time over there, and there was a lot of empty space. The big lack for me was music, and I just happened to have an entire nice stereo setup I wasn't using, because I was also sharing a condo, but my roommate had a nice stereo. So one day I backed a van up to the sliding glass door and unloaded and setup the stereo for them to use, no strings attached. Did I mention it was a really nice setup? Separate amp and pre-amp, high end turntable and really nice speakers. I would up marrying one of them, but to this day she says I have ruined a lot of music for her, because before she never noticed how bad most systems sounded, but now she can hear the difference.

cavewoman

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3362 on: July 19, 2017, 07:24:51 AM »
Wow, you two really dodged a bullet.  This Etiquette Hell story could have been your futures.

Well thank you for that site, looks like a fun place to binge read and feed my drama llama :)

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3363 on: July 19, 2017, 08:32:33 AM »
I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

My first apartment out of college... in the smallish living room I had a nice new couch, a coffee table that I'd repainted, and a nice glider rocking chair (with cushions, pretty comfy). I was dating a guy who apparently secretly thought I needed a real armchair instead of the rocker. So one day he showed up and said hey, I bought a chair at the Goodwill near your place, do you mind helping me carry it over here and then I'll borrow a car and come get it? I said sure. We went to pick it up and it was a really bulky chair with a hideous floral pattern. And we had to pick up and carry that fucker three-quarters of a mile on foot. Ugh. After a couple of weeks I bugged him about getting a car to come pick it up, and that's when he revealed his secret plan, which was to get the thing into my apartment and then say it was a gift all along, when it's too late to say no. :-/

Sometimes you don't see these relationship red flags until you've got the 20/20 hindsight going on...

Occasionally it works out OK, though. Not the deception part, that is universally bad.

I had two friends of mine who had just graduated from college and had gotten an apartment together to save money. I was spending a bunch of time over there, and there was a lot of empty space. The big lack for me was music, and I just happened to have an entire nice stereo setup I wasn't using, because I was also sharing a condo, but my roommate had a nice stereo. So one day I backed a van up to the sliding glass door and unloaded and setup the stereo for them to use, no strings attached. Did I mention it was a really nice setup? Separate amp and pre-amp, high end turntable and really nice speakers. I would up marrying one of them, but to this day she says I have ruined a lot of music for her, because before she never noticed how bad most systems sounded, but now she can hear the difference.

Mind me asking what equipment it was? I've got a mostly-vintage setup right now with Rotel amp, Amber pre-amp, Denon turntable, Onkyo tuner, and B&W speakers. When my wife heard the setup for the first time, she was astounded at how good the music could sound.

jfolsen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3364 on: July 19, 2017, 09:35:19 AM »
I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

My first apartment out of college... in the smallish living room I had a nice new couch, a coffee table that I'd repainted, and a nice glider rocking chair (with cushions, pretty comfy). I was dating a guy who apparently secretly thought I needed a real armchair instead of the rocker. So one day he showed up and said hey, I bought a chair at the Goodwill near your place, do you mind helping me carry it over here and then I'll borrow a car and come get it? I said sure. We went to pick it up and it was a really bulky chair with a hideous floral pattern. And we had to pick up and carry that fucker three-quarters of a mile on foot. Ugh. After a couple of weeks I bugged him about getting a car to come pick it up, and that's when he revealed his secret plan, which was to get the thing into my apartment and then say it was a gift all along, when it's too late to say no. :-/

Sometimes you don't see these relationship red flags until you've got the 20/20 hindsight going on...

Occasionally it works out OK, though. Not the deception part, that is universally bad.

I had two friends of mine who had just graduated from college and had gotten an apartment together to save money. I was spending a bunch of time over there, and there was a lot of empty space. The big lack for me was music, and I just happened to have an entire nice stereo setup I wasn't using, because I was also sharing a condo, but my roommate had a nice stereo. So one day I backed a van up to the sliding glass door and unloaded and setup the stereo for them to use, no strings attached. Did I mention it was a really nice setup? Separate amp and pre-amp, high end turntable and really nice speakers. I would up marrying one of them, but to this day she says I have ruined a lot of music for her, because before she never noticed how bad most systems sounded, but now she can hear the difference.

Mind me asking what equipment it was? I've got a mostly-vintage setup right now with Rotel amp, Amber pre-amp, Denon turntable, Onkyo tuner, and B&W speakers. When my wife heard the setup for the first time, she was astounded at how good the music could sound.

Turntable was a Thorens TD125 Mk II with a Shure SME arm and a MA 2002e cartridge.
Preamp was a Dynaco PAT-5 Bifet.
Amp was a Quatre Gain Cell DG250, the only "control" it had was an on/off switch in the back and a red light in the front to tell if it was on or off.
Speakers were 4 New Large Advents, in a stacked array, with a 6" solid wood spacer to recreate the woofer spacing of the Original Large Advents. The top speaker was upside down in this configuration, so the woofers were top and bottom and the tweeters were in the middle.


Taconite

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3365 on: July 19, 2017, 09:58:54 AM »
Thought that I would share a couple of stories of my MIL (think that is mother in law). 

1) Up at the in-laws place last weekend.  MIL was ranting about how the local grocer ran out of her favorite Gold Peak Iced Tea.  IMHO, this is almost as bad as buying bottled water, which my MIL drinks a ton of.
2) In Kona years ago, the family did the timeshare sales workshop to get some sightseeing tickets.  The same MIL jumped in on the side of the salesperson and was trying like hell to get me to buy in.  Made an offhand comment of "how she thought I loved her daughter more" when I didn't buy into it. 

WerKater

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3366 on: July 19, 2017, 09:59:24 AM »
Seriously, none of you guys have The Chair? I thought that was pretty much the universal place to store worn-but-still-clean-enough clothes.
I'm not a very neat or orderly person, but hanging clothes on chairs is actually one of the few things that rile me up (well, mildly). Because chairs are for sitting. And chairs that have random stuff hanging on them are typically not nice to sit on. So, please be considerate and just toss it on the floor. Unless there is too much stuff on the floor, it is easy to just step over it.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3367 on: July 19, 2017, 10:17:12 AM »
Seriously, none of you guys have The Chair? I thought that was pretty much the universal place to store worn-but-still-clean-enough clothes.
I'm not a very neat or orderly person, but hanging clothes on chairs is actually one of the few things that rile me up (well, mildly). Because chairs are for sitting. And chairs that have random stuff hanging on them are typically not nice to sit on. So, please be considerate and just toss it on the floor. Unless there is too much stuff on the floor, it is easy to just step over it.
Two chairs, one for the clothes, one for you.  Around here anything on the floor is immediately covered in dog hair.  Dogs and cats love to lie on clothes that have been worn because they smell like the pet's beloved people (or so I tell myself - with cats it could be for any reason).
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WerKater

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3368 on: July 19, 2017, 10:30:11 AM »
Seriously, none of you guys have The Chair? I thought that was pretty much the universal place to store worn-but-still-clean-enough clothes.
I'm not a very neat or orderly person, but hanging clothes on chairs is actually one of the few things that rile me up (well, mildly). Because chairs are for sitting. And chairs that have random stuff hanging on them are typically not nice to sit on. So, please be considerate and just toss it on the floor. Unless there is too much stuff on the floor, it is easy to just step over it.
Two chairs, one for the clothes, one for you.  Around here anything on the floor is immediately covered in dog hair.  Dogs and cats love to lie on clothes that have been worn because they smell like the pet's beloved people (or so I tell myself - with cats it could be for any reason).
You have too many chairs ;-)
Of course, I don't have any pets, so...

RetiredAt63

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3369 on: July 19, 2017, 10:33:28 AM »
Seriously, none of you guys have The Chair? I thought that was pretty much the universal place to store worn-but-still-clean-enough clothes.
Of course we have a chair.  Where else are we going to store all those useless froo-froo decorative pillows that we have to remove in order to actually use the bed?

Where did they come from?  When I was a kid back in the Middle Ages those were basically only on beds in guest rooms, if at all.  Now they are everywhere.  Pretty, sure, but such a nuisance. 
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Sibley

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3370 on: July 19, 2017, 11:39:37 AM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

I have allergies and don't like chocolate. I have yet to meet someone who can get it through their head that I do not want flowers, perfume or chocolate.

prognastat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3371 on: July 19, 2017, 11:50:21 AM »
2) In Kona years ago, the family did the timeshare sales workshop to get some sightseeing tickets.  The same MIL jumped in on the side of the salesperson and was trying like hell to get me to buy in.  Made an offhand comment of "how she thought I loved her daughter more" when I didn't buy into it.

I would be quite offended by the insinuation I didn't care for/love my wife enough because I didn't buy what my MIL thought I should. It would actually affect my core opinion of them.

ixtap

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3372 on: July 19, 2017, 12:18:24 PM »
OT: Talked with my parent last weekend and we were discussing my now ex-GF and her impending move-out.  Parent thinks I need to buy furniture as much of it will be leaving with the ex-gf.  Just because the room will fit them I dont need two couches.  I thought I would be saving on utilities and food with her move-out but maybe not.  Apparently I wont be able to get a new GF without a dinning room table.

Eh, depends. No furniture at all? That's a little odd. No dining room table, but other arrangements are reasonable? I'm good with that.

Granted, I'm on this site.

I once had a guy insist that he was going to buy me a table. I didn't want a table. The place had an awkward layout. I was happy eating at the coffee table or the desk. I knew I would only be living there for a year and didn't know where I would be going after that. I had to have a fight to not be given a table. We had a similar fight about not getting flowers, due to allergies. He didn't last long.

I have allergies and don't like chocolate. I have yet to meet someone who can get it through their head that I do not want flowers, perfume or chocolate.

The Keeper also didn't try to fix my wine cupboard until after he had moved in. Even the plumber wanted to fix that crooked door... For the record, it was still crooked when we sold it, because my DIY skills were never the problem.

On the downside, I have received three gifts in seven years. Small price to pay for not having the wrong gifts foisted on me and it makes those three very special. Even he smiled when he noticed the carabineer he had bought me attached to my work life jacket on the Fourth of July.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3373 on: July 19, 2017, 12:40:10 PM »
These poor guys. They probably have no idea what went wrong. They're doing the most helpful things they can think of to show their love, but it just isn't good enough.
That was precisely this guy's problem. He often told me that he already knew what women liked, as a way of telling me I was wrong about my preferences.

I have allergies and don't like chocolate. I have yet to meet someone who can get it through their head that I do not want flowers, perfume or chocolate.

We need some sort of remedial training for these people. Explaining the subtle difference between some women/dog owner/Irish people like this thing and ALL women/dog owner/Irish people like this thing. For extra credit, they need to identify who is best at knowing what someone likes a) the individual concerned b) a stranger who has known other strangers.

Aelias

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3374 on: July 19, 2017, 12:59:21 PM »




3) My MIL is a borderline gambling addict who routinely blows $200-$300 per casino visit.  They stopped at 2 on their drive over here and will stop at 2 on their drive back.  I only say borderline because she (for the moment) is able to stop herself at a designated spend amount.

And there is the latest financial gossip about my BIL and his family.  He claims he makes $185K, and yet also claims that he's saving virtually nothing and is living paycheck to paycheck.  He says he puts $50 a month per kid into a 509 plan and that's it. HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?  I cannot get my head around it.

My best bet is that the BIL is exaggerating.  Maybe he makes a little less and saves a little more than he's claiming.  Maybe he's not counting his 401(K) contributions or something.  But this has always been the narrative--he works super hard and makes good money, but they're always strapped.  Are you familiar with the old robot expression, "Does not compute"?

Could BIL be a gambler too? That's an efficient way to shred a large paycheck, and there are many ways to be a gambling addict without it being obvious.

I suppose it's possible, but it would be really shocking.  He seems to tolerate MIL's gambling with the same combination of irritation and bemusement that we do.  Then again, we live on opposite sides of the country.  We aren't involved in each others' lives on a regular basis.  There's a lot I probably don't know about his life, and vice versa.

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3375 on: July 19, 2017, 01:11:41 PM »
2) In Kona years ago, the family did the timeshare sales workshop to get some sightseeing tickets.  The same MIL jumped in on the side of the salesperson and was trying like hell to get me to buy in.  Made an offhand comment of "how she thought I loved her daughter more" when I didn't buy into it.

I would be quite offended by the insinuation I didn't care for/love my wife enough because I didn't buy what my MIL thought I should. It would actually affect my core opinion of them.

Yeah agreed. Was your MIL caught up in the scheme or is she normally like this? That's some extremely manipulative bullshit. I'm getting better at not biting my tongue so I would have said something along the lines of, "There's nothing stopping you from buying it if you love that much!"

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3376 on: July 19, 2017, 02:56:37 PM »
1. I completely abused my parents good will and used their house (well my old room) as storage for waaaay too long . . . like 8 years after I graduated.  :-(   

That is not waaaay too long, the 30 years my SIL left several trunks of stuff in my in-laws basement was waaaay too long.  She had two houses, one her own (living by herself) and one a rental, but said she didn't have space for it.   Then she had the nerve to complain when the stuff arrived that there was mildew.  Yes, because you left it in an unfinished basement for decades, and there were water leaks during that time. . .

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3377 on: July 19, 2017, 03:11:59 PM »
1. I completely abused my parents good will and used their house (well my old room) as storage for waaaay too long . . . like 8 years after I graduated.  :-(   

That is not waaaay too long, the 30 years my SIL left several trunks of stuff in my in-laws basement was waaaay too long.  She had two houses, one her own (living by herself) and one a rental, but said she didn't have space for it.   Then she had the nerve to complain when the stuff arrived that there was mildew.  Yes, because you left it in an unfinished basement for decades, and there were water leaks during that time. . .

Then of course there were my parents, who saved every childhood school art assignment and random crayon scribble or cheap toy. They then demanded that we take "our things" when we came back to visit, no matter how my sibling and I asserted that we'd already taken everything we wanted. If they wanted some souvenirs that was fine by me, but I saw no merit in storing old stuff that wasn't, say, a picture or correspondence. I expressed willingness to haul mine to the dump and they freaked.
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Dave1442397

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3378 on: July 19, 2017, 07:02:06 PM »
1. I completely abused my parents good will and used their house (well my old room) as storage for waaaay too long . . . like 8 years after I graduated.  :-(   

That is not waaaay too long, the 30 years my SIL left several trunks of stuff in my in-laws basement was waaaay too long.  She had two houses, one her own (living by herself) and one a rental, but said she didn't have space for it.   Then she had the nerve to complain when the stuff arrived that there was mildew.  Yes, because you left it in an unfinished basement for decades, and there were water leaks during that time. . .

That's our house. We bought it from my in-laws, who downsized to a one-bedroom condo in 2001. We still have boxes of crap in the basement, and more boxes in the attic. I went through a lot of it years ago, and tossed boxes and boxes of duplicate programs for various functions they were involved in over the years (stuff dated back to the late '70s), plus other crap like an electric foot bath from the '50s, which I'd be afraid to plug in. My MIL is 88 now, and once she goes, so does the rest of the stuff :)

merula

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3379 on: July 20, 2017, 07:50:59 AM »
Then of course there were my parents, who saved every childhood school art assignment and random crayon scribble or cheap toy. They then demanded that we take "our things" when we came back to visit, no matter how my sibling and I asserted that we'd already taken everything we wanted. If they wanted some souvenirs that was fine by me, but I saw no merit in storing old stuff that wasn't, say, a picture or correspondence. I expressed willingness to haul mine to the dump and they freaked.

E-fucking-xactly. As early as I can possibly remember, my room was filled with junk that I was responsible for keeping neat, but I COULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES clear it out. "I don't want this stuffed animal." "But [random person] gave it to you when you were a baby! You can't get rid of it!" "Can we put it the closet instead of out with the toys I actually play with?" "No, your stuffed animals belong in that corner."

I'll give you three guesses as to whether my mother's respect for my personal preferences has changed over the past 25+ years, and the first two don't count.

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3380 on: July 20, 2017, 11:35:40 AM »
Then of course there were my parents, who saved every childhood school art assignment and random crayon scribble or cheap toy. They then demanded that we take "our things" when we came back to visit, no matter how my sibling and I asserted that we'd already taken everything we wanted. If they wanted some souvenirs that was fine by me, but I saw no merit in storing old stuff that wasn't, say, a picture or correspondence. I expressed willingness to haul mine to the dump and they freaked.

E-fucking-xactly. As early as I can possibly remember, my room was filled with junk that I was responsible for keeping neat, but I COULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES clear it out. "I don't want this stuffed animal." "But [random person] gave it to you when you were a baby! You can't get rid of it!" "Can we put it the closet instead of out with the toys I actually play with?" "No, your stuffed animals belong in that corner."

I'll give you three guesses as to whether my mother's respect for my personal preferences has changed over the past 25+ years, and the first two don't count.

This makes me more glad my parents aren't the sentimental types. My mom insisted I clean out a huge section of my room before going off to college and was standing over my shoulder as I was looking at something and I looked at her and she was like, "Oh right, I suppose you may some memories of this stuff, I'll give you some space."

yourusernamehere

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3381 on: July 20, 2017, 04:54:26 PM »
Ok, just picked them up... and put them on.  Do you all really wash jeans after one day?  How do you store them for a second day if not on the floor?  big questions here! :-)

I have a designated spot (happens to be on top of my trunk of winter clothes) where I keep items that have been work but can be worn again.  I also use it to lay out what I plan to wear the next day, so I can get out the door faster to get to work.  Keeps them off the floor and not getting wrinkled.

That's my process too! It goes on the right side of the dresser after the first wear. I re-wear a lot I guess, so I end up hanging things back up after a couple days so the pile doesn't get too big. DH washes every article of his clothing after every wear. It took me a long time to stop being frustrated about it, but with his psoriasis and the flaky skin that brings he is just 100% grossed out by wearing any clothing more than once, even jeans.

Carless

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3382 on: July 20, 2017, 07:15:40 PM »
When I bought a house dad gave me a box full of pictures.  Of myself.  High school photos, elementary school, etc. I looked at this and said...

Me:"do you even have any pictures of me left?"

Dad:"Don't worry, we won't forget what you look like"

Fi(re) on the Farm

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3383 on: July 22, 2017, 05:05:55 PM »
So my cousin (the one who bought a car to stay in the habit of car payments) could fill up pages here.  Her 17 year old daughter, this past spring, set up a go fund me page to pay for an intensive program this summer at a local, prestigious university.  She was looking to raise $2000 (the program only cost $1600). Needless to say, I didn't give her anything because she 1. could have gotten a job, or 2. hit her parents up for it, 3. why did she need $400 extra? Fast forward to today and my cousin just posted on facebook that they finally installed her new wall oven.  The oven cost $3499 plus installation!!!! This woman is NOT much of a cook but I assume she needed it to match her new granite countertops! If she had that kind of money laying around she could pay for her kid's summer program!

iluvzbeach

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3384 on: July 22, 2017, 08:03:13 PM »
Wow, you two really dodged a bullet.  This Etiquette Hell story could have been your futures.

Well thank you for that site, looks like a fun place to binge read and feed my drama llama :)

I saw the title of that post and knew it would be disastrous. One of my criteria in a mate was someone who inherently knew that surprising me with a car at Christmas or any other time would be a bad, bad idea. I say it jokingly, but I'm totally serious. The thought of a spouse either spending that much $ without it being a joint decision (or committing us to a payment like that for x years) would be a dealbreaker.
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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3385 on: July 22, 2017, 09:13:07 PM »
Wow, you two really dodged a bullet.  This Etiquette Hell story could have been your futures.

Well thank you for that site, looks like a fun place to binge read and feed my drama llama :)

I saw the title of that post and knew it would be disastrous. One of my criteria in a mate was someone who inherently knew that surprising me with a car at Christmas or any other time would be a bad, bad idea. I say it jokingly, but I'm totally serious. The thought of a spouse either spending that much $ without it being a joint decision (or committing us to a payment like that for x years) would be a dealbreaker.

I remember a story, I do believe it was from that site, about a woman whose boyfriend was looking after her minimalist apartment (which she kept that way because of dust allergies and a spiritual commitment to minimalist living, and possibly some closet Mustachianism). Apparently she came back from a long trip to find the lad had filled up her fridge with crap "food" she wasn't going to eat and also moved in a bunch of furniture he'd bought her as a gift. He basically crammed his lifestyle into her apartment and didn't understand why she was mad. Hope he kept his receipts but he probably didn't because he was an idiot for thinking that forcing furniture on her (she'd already turned it down) was a good idea.
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kayvent

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3386 on: July 23, 2017, 06:04:13 AM »
So my cousin (the one who bought a car to stay in the habit of car payments) could fill up pages here.  Her 17 year old daughter, this past spring, set up a go fund me page to pay for an intensive program this summer at a local, prestigious university.  She was looking to raise $2000 (the program only cost $1600). Needless to say, I didn't give her anything because she 1. could have gotten a job, or 2. hit her parents up for it, 3. why did she need $400 extra? Fast forward to today and my cousin just posted on facebook that they finally installed her new wall oven.  The oven cost $3499 plus installation!!!! This woman is NOT much of a cook but I assume she needed it to match her new granite countertops! If she had that kind of money laying around she could pay for her kid's summer program!

Re:2000$ for a 1600$ expense

GoFundMe collects a percent of the total collected and a fixed amount for each receipt. So it sounds like she literally didn't want to pay a cent for it.

chaskavitch

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3387 on: July 23, 2017, 07:14:14 AM »
DH and I cancelled cable earlier this year, both for savings and because we were never watching it.  We just complained about the commercials and wasted $5 at a time renting movies we were too lazy to Redbox or too impatient to wait for on Netflix.  We've been surprisingly happy with it.  I mean, now we're behind on Game of Thrones, and I miss Jeopardy, but otherwise we have much less time wasted watching shows we don't care about just because they're on.

My mother-in-law just bought DH a HD TV antenna for his birthday.  She actually said "I know you don't want this, but if I'm going to be coming up once a month, I need to be able to watch my football." 

Why would you spend $80 (I just looked it up) on your son's 30th birthday on a present you KNOW he doesn't want, and also not get him anything else?  He even sent out a list of things he needs (tools, new work pants, etc.) so we wouldn't get more clutter that wouldn't be used, so I know she had other options.  She does like to buy presents, it's definitely her love language, so that makes it even stranger to me.

DH waited until she was out of earshot and said "I'm kind of sad about the antenna", which made me extra sad.  Plus now he has to make the time to install it either on our roof or in our attic, neither of which tasks are appealing in the slightest.  She might not get her football this year anyway because of our sheer laziness.

RWD

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3388 on: July 23, 2017, 08:13:17 AM »
He even sent out a list of things he needs (tools, new work pants, etc.) so we wouldn't get more clutter that wouldn't be used, so I know she had other options.

On my 30th birthday I implemented a no birthday gifts policy. My relatives would otherwise buy me so much on my birthday that I wouldn't have anything left to ask for on Christmas. I'm much happier now not receiving anything on my birthday. I'm far enough into adulthood that small gifts are meaningless. If I want/need something I can just buy it myself. Eventually I'd like to stop Christmas gift exchanges too, but that will receive significantly more pushback...

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3389 on: July 23, 2017, 08:50:50 AM »
DH waited until she was out of earshot and said "I'm kind of sad about the antenna", which made me extra sad.  Plus now he has to make the time to install it either on our roof or in our attic, neither of which tasks are appealing in the slightest.  She might not get her football this year anyway because of our sheer laziness.

No, no he does not; that isn't how it works. I might be unable to stop someone buying me a guillotine but I sure as shit don't have to use it.

Giving someone an unpleasant task to do for your own benefit is a low blow.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3390 on: July 23, 2017, 09:58:58 AM »
DH waited until she was out of earshot and said "I'm kind of sad about the antenna", which made me extra sad.  Plus now he has to make the time to install it either on our roof or in our attic, neither of which tasks are appealing in the slightest.  She might not get her football this year anyway because of our sheer laziness.

No, no he does not; that isn't how it works. I might be unable to stop someone buying me a guillotine but I sure as shit don't have to use it.

Giving someone an unpleasant task to do for your own benefit is a low blow.

No one is turning on a TV to watch a sports game in my house unless my wife or the child who lives at home wants to do so.   Otherwise, nope.  Not going to happen. 

If my mom or dad had pulled this on me, the answer would have been, "Thanks, but no.  If it's that important to you don't visit during football season."

Boundaries are important!

Frankies Girl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3391 on: July 23, 2017, 10:23:14 AM »
DH and I cancelled cable earlier this year, both for savings and because we were never watching it.  We just complained about the commercials and wasted $5 at a time renting movies we were too lazy to Redbox or too impatient to wait for on Netflix.  We've been surprisingly happy with it.  I mean, now we're behind on Game of Thrones, and I miss Jeopardy, but otherwise we have much less time wasted watching shows we don't care about just because they're on.

My mother-in-law just bought DH a HD TV antenna for his birthday.  She actually said "I know you don't want this, but if I'm going to be coming up once a month, I need to be able to watch my football." 

Why would you spend $80 (I just looked it up) on your son's 30th birthday on a present you KNOW he doesn't want, and also not get him anything else?  He even sent out a list of things he needs (tools, new work pants, etc.) so we wouldn't get more clutter that wouldn't be used, so I know she had other options.  She does like to buy presents, it's definitely her love language, so that makes it even stranger to me.

DH waited until she was out of earshot and said "I'm kind of sad about the antenna", which made me extra sad.  Plus now he has to make the time to install it either on our roof or in our attic, neither of which tasks are appealing in the slightest.  She might not get her football this year anyway because of our sheer laziness.

It was a birthday gift? Then it is his to do whatever he wants with. Including selling it or giving it away. If his mom gets mad, then she can stay in a motel to get cable. Gifts are the property of the giftee, and no strings or crap like that are allowed. If she gives things with strings attached, don't accept the item/money. "I'm sorry but I can't accept this; I don't want this item/I don't like the conditions you're attaching to the acceptance of this item. Thank you for the thought, but I think it is better if we don't have this between us."

Agree he needs to learn how to set a boundary on things he is required to put up with from his mother. He's an adult, he is allowed to say no to her.

If she gives him crap, he could just say "thank you" - because it is the right thing to do, but then do whatever he wants with it. And be matter of fact if she asks where it is. "I wasn't going to go to the time and trouble of installing something like that since I don't like sports and wouldn't use it anyway, so I sold it/returned it. And with the money, I bought this nifty new tool I wanted. So thanks!"

And anyone that gives someone a "gift" like that deserves to be told the truth. If she gets mad, tell her that there are X amount of motels in the area she could get cable at and she is welcome to stay elsewhere if she is unhappy with the (free? sure, right?) accommodations.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2017, 12:32:21 PM by Frankies Girl »
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Guava

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3392 on: July 23, 2017, 12:03:37 PM »
My aunt just called to tell me she is coming over to show me her new to her used minivan. My dad let it slip yesterday the interest rate is 21%. I almost fell over.

TartanTallulah

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3393 on: July 23, 2017, 12:09:52 PM »
I've been cleaning out my daughter's bedroom. She moved out a month ago to go to college.

I found a bank statement from a couple of months ago.

She was overdrawn, and was still going to Costa for her lunch every work day.

The little monkey had told me she was saving for college. I suppose the message is that I shouldn't have looked.




stashja

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relatives love Robert Bankrupt Kiyosaki
« Reply #3394 on: July 23, 2017, 02:40:25 PM »
Just lambasted publicly by a relative who is a huge fan of Robert Kiyosaki, who is giving a scammy upsell seminar in our town. The upsell is for a $39k course. The average household income in our town is lower than that. i shouldn't hold Kiyosaki to his words because it would be "fulish." I am an anti business female idiot liberal snob whatever, I know...
« Last Edit: July 23, 2017, 08:54:48 PM by stashja »

AlanStache

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Re: relatives love Robert Bankrupt Kiyosaki
« Reply #3395 on: July 23, 2017, 03:49:33 PM »
Just lambasted via emIl by my relative who is a huge fan of Robert Kiyosaki, who is giving a scammy upsell seminar in our town. The upsell is for a $39k course.....

Honest question; do they offer financing?  How do people pay that?  THat is well over all my cc limits combine.
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kayvent

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3396 on: July 23, 2017, 07:53:26 PM »
I've been cleaning out my daughter's bedroom. She moved out a month ago to go to college.

I found a bank statement from a couple of months ago.

She was overdrawn, and was still going to Costa for her lunch every work day.

The little monkey had told me she was saving for college. I suppose the message is that I shouldn't have looked.

I never believed friends in high school that said they had a part time job to save money for university.

redbird

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3397 on: July 23, 2017, 08:33:00 PM »
DH and I cancelled cable earlier this year, both for savings and because we were never watching it.  We just complained about the commercials and wasted $5 at a time renting movies we were too lazy to Redbox or too impatient to wait for on Netflix.  We've been surprisingly happy with it.  I mean, now we're behind on Game of Thrones, and I miss Jeopardy, but otherwise we have much less time wasted watching shows we don't care about just because they're on.

You could always do what I'm doing. I'm waiting for this season of Game of Thrones to be over, then I'll get a free trial of HBO Now (the streaming version of HBO that doesn't require cable service) which is apparently a generous 1 month long, watch it (I've seen all except this season), and then cancel it before the trial ends so I won't get charged.

Except for ~1 1/2 years where I got it for "free" with my cable internet (the promotion was cheaper than cable internet alone), I've never had cable in my adult life and I'm in my 30's. There's certain things I'd like to watch, but there's generally ways to watch things for free. Thanks to the library, I've seen things like Orphan Black, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, etc. I do also have Amazon Prime (honestly, for non-video reasons) and there's some good things up there. I got to watch all of Downton Abbey and I've been re-watching Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
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JuicyCrab

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3398 on: July 23, 2017, 08:52:32 PM »
Great Thread! But somewhat depressing...

Parents:

About to hit their retirement age of 65 (Australia) and they will likely qualify for the government pension (around $350/week).

They still have ($200,000) owing on their PPOR that is valued around $600,000. Mum insists on driving an overpriced and expensive to run VW Golf GTI (this car was bought new and somehow rolled into their housing loan) and insists on organic food rather than farmers market food (I'd estimate their food budget is around $200-$300 a week for the two of them). We've had a crazy amount of money related discussions where little bits of advice was attempted to be planted, hoping to pull them into a stronger position for their 'retirement'. I think the expression is 'falling on deaf ears'.

The biggest cringe moment is when their real plan is voiced...they're waiting on Grandmas inheritance to clear their debts.

Big sigh.
insert any quote from Alan Watts....

MustachioedPistachio

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3399 on: July 23, 2017, 09:18:30 PM »
Every year around this time, my mother starts asking me what I want for Christmas.

Every year around this time, I tell her
a) nothing; how about we just enjoy time and not worry with the stuff,
b) please take the money you intend on spending and stick it in your 401k - that will truly, seriously, make me happy,
c) I've officially been way too damn old for this, and finally, after much attrition,
d) underwear or some other 'needed' item.

It's futile. I am bugged on a biweekly basis until "tis the season" for a "real present". My proffer of undies or socks falls on deaf ears. *sigh* Grateful, absolutely. But damn...