Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 789724 times)

mustachepungoeshere

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3100 on: June 23, 2017, 02:47:10 AM »
My wife gets annoyed when I tell her I want a nice bottle of bourbon for my birthday...

... why?

Ok, everyone's different but I can't even imagine being annoyed at my husband for that.

He likes whisky and prefers good whisky. He enjoys having a well-stocked bar to share with friends and family. I like giving people gifts they want and will appreciate, and the minimalist in me loves giving and receiving consumables.

There is no downside here.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3101 on: June 23, 2017, 06:49:54 AM »
My wife gets annoyed when I tell her I want a nice bottle of bourbon for my birthday...

... why?

Ok, everyone's different but I can't even imagine being annoyed at my husband for that.

He likes whisky and prefers good whisky. He enjoys having a well-stocked bar to share with friends and family. I like giving people gifts they want and will appreciate, and the minimalist in me loves giving and receiving consumables.

There is no downside here.

Basically it comes from her mother. Her mom has a lot of fucked up standards--giving wine as a gift is acceptable, but hard booze is not. Beer (even craft beer) is trashy, but wine and certain hard liquor is not--I think the acceptable list is brandy, cognac, and rum. It is a combination of Multiple Sclerosis, being raised by an emotionally abusive mother (wife's grandma) and getting out of a small, dying town into an upper class suburb. She seems to forget where she came from quite a bit.

She (my wife) is slowly coming around to the idea that I don't want more shit, and to give me consumables--and the only consumables I don't buy for myself are nicer bourbons. It just takes a lot of unlearning after living with her mother for 18+ years. There are other things like this too--I buy a lot of beer when it is on sale, and put it all in the fridge. She doesn't like it when I keep more than 3-4 beers in the fridge, because that is all I drink in just about any 48 hour stretch--I can't figure out why I wouldn't keep them all in the fridge, assuming we have space for them. I ended that discussion when I asked what color kegerator she preferred I get :P (wife doesn't drink too much beer, mostly drinks wine that does not need to be chilled).

The only practical, "good" reasons that she has are that she did teach the alcohol abuse classes in college, she had an uncle who died from driving drunk, and alcoholism is present in my family--but I'm not one.

prognastat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3102 on: June 23, 2017, 07:35:20 AM »
I think I may have finally gotten lucky with my last birthday in that instead of getting a mountain of gifts that though appreciated added lots of clutter and none of which were things I needed they instead bought a single gift though there were lots of complaints about how too many expensive gifts were on my wish list. Though actually the list has items at various prizes it is weighted to slightly more expensive gifts, $50-150 range rather than sub $50, in the hopes that it will reduce the amount I get. I would prefer one gift I really wanted over 10 cheaper gifts that are just ok. I'm hoping it wasn't just a one off.

craiglepaige

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3103 on: June 23, 2017, 07:51:37 AM »
I just need to vent...

My father passed away last year and my mother has been dealing with the financial aftermath of the whole ordeal. One of those is a rental property they own, which they shouldn't had even bought to begin with, and one which was actually costing them money. The house is vacant now and we are working towards selling it.

On Sunday, while we are all visiting my mother, my younger brother (I have 4 bros) tells us that the semiannual taxes are due on the home and for everyone to split it evenly at a cost of $82 each.

I said, "Sure, I'll PayPal you," and so did my other two brothers.  My 38yo older brother instead responded, "I can only give you $50 since his wife is about to have the baby and I'm taking ten days off work without pay."

This was after showing us pics of the $125 wheels which he drove 3hrs. roundtrip to get off Craigslist for his project car the day before.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity​fuck.....  Like seriously????

I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

I don't know what to say... I'm just so frustrated with him and his mentality. He's a great dad and a good brother but his financial stupidity makes me want to choke him.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2017, 08:08:58 AM by craiglepaige »
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With This Herring

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3104 on: June 23, 2017, 09:06:32 AM »
*snip*
There are other things like this too--I buy a lot of beer when it is on sale, and put it all in the fridge. She doesn't like it when I keep more than 3-4 beers in the fridge, because that is all I drink in just about any 48 hour stretch--I can't figure out why I wouldn't keep them all in the fridge, assuming we have space for them. I ended that discussion when I asked what color kegerator she preferred I get :P (wife doesn't drink too much beer, mostly drinks wine that does not need to be chilled).

The only practical, "good" reasons that she has are that she did teach the alcohol abuse classes in college, she had an uncle who died from driving drunk, and alcoholism is present in my family--but I'm not one.

This would annoy me simply because then I wouldn't be able to pick up the large variety of fruits/extra gallon of milk/tasty cheeses on sale this week because somebody had already stuffed the fridge full of a beverage that does not require constant refrigeration because "there's room" (i.e. it is the end of the grocery week, and the fridge is due to be restocked with actual food).

And if you think this is colored by my own experiences, you would certainly be correct.  :)
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cheapass

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3105 on: June 23, 2017, 09:11:21 AM »
I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

If you're having a kid and $32 is the difference between family solvency/insolvency, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your priorities in life.
Every single decision you make with money either shortens or lengthens your working career.

craiglepaige

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3106 on: June 23, 2017, 09:37:01 AM »
I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

If you're having a kid and $32 is the difference between family solvency/insolvency, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your priorities in life.

Exactly!

I had the same private conversation with my younger brother who although not frugal, is extremely smart and plans ahead for the future.

I don't understand how you can be such an idiot to not connect the dots. You don't have money because you waste it on stupid shit.
-The conqueror will always become a slave to his conquest.

- Eres Un Esclavo Financiero
https://youtu.be/GO1Fsp4cUTQ

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3107 on: June 23, 2017, 10:03:40 AM »
*snip*
There are other things like this too--I buy a lot of beer when it is on sale, and put it all in the fridge. She doesn't like it when I keep more than 3-4 beers in the fridge, because that is all I drink in just about any 48 hour stretch--I can't figure out why I wouldn't keep them all in the fridge, assuming we have space for them. I ended that discussion when I asked what color kegerator she preferred I get :P (wife doesn't drink too much beer, mostly drinks wine that does not need to be chilled).

The only practical, "good" reasons that she has are that she did teach the alcohol abuse classes in college, she had an uncle who died from driving drunk, and alcoholism is present in my family--but I'm not one.

This would annoy me simply because then I wouldn't be able to pick up the large variety of fruits/extra gallon of milk/tasty cheeses on sale this week because somebody had already stuffed the fridge full of a beverage that does not require constant refrigeration because "there's room" (i.e. it is the end of the grocery week, and the fridge is due to be restocked with actual food).

And if you think this is colored by my own experiences, you would certainly be correct.  :)

.... So take it out...

That is actually another rant--she buys too much food for the two of us.

marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3108 on: June 23, 2017, 10:07:38 AM »
*snip*
There are other things like this too--I buy a lot of beer when it is on sale, and put it all in the fridge. She doesn't like it when I keep more than 3-4 beers in the fridge, because that is all I drink in just about any 48 hour stretch--I can't figure out why I wouldn't keep them all in the fridge, assuming we have space for them. I ended that discussion when I asked what color kegerator she preferred I get :P (wife doesn't drink too much beer, mostly drinks wine that does not need to be chilled).

The only practical, "good" reasons that she has are that she did teach the alcohol abuse classes in college, she had an uncle who died from driving drunk, and alcoholism is present in my family--but I'm not one.

This would annoy me simply because then I wouldn't be able to pick up the large variety of fruits/extra gallon of milk/tasty cheeses on sale this week because somebody had already stuffed the fridge full of a beverage that does not require constant refrigeration because "there's room" (i.e. it is the end of the grocery week, and the fridge is due to be restocked with actual food).

And if you think this is colored by my own experiences, you would certainly be correct.  :)

.... So take it out...

That is actually another rant--she buys too much food for the two of us.

Yeah, there's no issue with taking beer out to let get warm then putting it back in the fridge later. Just keep it out of sun/light.

Feivel2000

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3109 on: June 23, 2017, 10:14:34 AM »
Just heard a story from my wife:

Her friend bought a new couch (probably not necessary but I haven't seen the old one) and paid the delivery company 70€ to take the old one with them when they delivered the new one. They came and decided to leave the old couch there.
Now she paid 70€, has two couches in her small apartment and has to fight with the company to get her money back or to make them to remove the couch.

The joke is that here in Germany, bulky waste will be picked up for free, all she had to do was to bring it down to the street.
Also, I am pretty sure that someone would have taken the couch for free or would have paid small money for it, using kijiji...


MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3110 on: June 23, 2017, 12:39:26 PM »
Just heard a story from my wife:

Her friend bought a new couch (probably not necessary but I haven't seen the old one) and paid the delivery company 70 to take the old one with them when they delivered the new one. They came and decided to leave the old couch there.
Now she paid 70, has two couches in her small apartment and has to fight with the company to get her money back or to make them to remove the couch.

The joke is that here in Germany, bulky waste will be picked up for free, all she had to do was to bring it down to the street.
Also, I am pretty sure that someone would have taken the couch for free or would have paid small money for it, using kijiji...

It annoys me when people do this. One of my mom's friends bought all new couches right around the time I was closing on my house. I asked my mom to call her and ask if I could come by to look at them and offered to haul them out (she was going to pay to have them removed). The women said yes and then when I called her said, "Oh, well I didn't want the hassle so I just had them take them." I asked my mom about the condition of the couches and she said that they were like new and very good quality ones. Now they are most likely at the dumpster (unless the company she hired took them).

cheapass

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3111 on: June 23, 2017, 01:05:32 PM »
I don't understand how you can be such an idiot to not connect the dots. You don't have money because you waste it on stupid shit.

Nah man. Life's just expensive these days. It's the 1%'s fault and Wall Street, that's why nobody's getting ahead.
Every single decision you make with money either shortens or lengthens your working career.

Sydneystache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3112 on: June 23, 2017, 05:08:03 PM »
I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

If you're having a kid and $32 is the difference between family solvency/insolvency, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your priorities in life.

Exactly!

I had the same private conversation with my younger brother who although not frugal, is extremely smart and plans ahead for the future.

I don't understand how you can be such an idiot to not connect the dots. You don't have money because you waste it on stupid shit.

I feel for your future nephew/niece. S/he is going to grow up with your brother as role model. Cars or baby?

doublethinkmoney

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3113 on: June 23, 2017, 06:24:11 PM »
I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

If you're having a kid and $32 is the difference between family solvency/insolvency, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your priorities in life.
Let's be honest. It's not about him "not having" $32. It's the fact he doesn't want to spend more than $50 on someone else. If it was something that benefited him I bet he would have made it work.


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Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3114 on: June 23, 2017, 06:46:14 PM »
I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

If you're having a kid and $32 is the difference between family solvency/insolvency, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your priorities in life.
Let's be honest. It's not about him "not having" $32. It's the fact he doesn't want to spend more than $50 on someone else. If it was something that benefited him I bet he would have made it work.


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OR

He bought the car stuff, then his wife was aggrieved, and pointed out his spendy ways and he promised absolutely to stop and save X dollars before baby.

craiglepaige

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3115 on: June 23, 2017, 07:31:50 PM »
Ahh nope. His wife unfortunately is an enabler. She doesn't argue about "his" money since he's the only one working.   

Again, let me reiterate, they are both insanely great people, they are just not good with money.
-The conqueror will always become a slave to his conquest.

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Dezrah

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3116 on: June 23, 2017, 09:15:20 PM »
I get that people don't want gifts, but there's also such a thing as being gracious and accepting a gift in the spirit in which it was given, whether you like it or not. Some of the posters here sound quite rude and ungrateful. Get over it. Your relatives are trying to how you they care in their own way. Much like you try to show them you care in your own way, which they might not always appreciate.

I hear what you're saying.  In my case, FIL believes he's being loving in reality he's dealing with a host of psychological issues and projecting them onto us.  He can't accept he's effectively failed as a father, he can't cope with his parents' overly high expectations, he hoards believing he's leaving a legacy instead of a burden... it's all just very sad and complicated.  Ultimately I'm not grateful that extra stuff is imposed on us with an unrealistic psychological burden.  Sometimes I like to vent about how ridiculous the situation is; perhaps I could do better though.

Gronnie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3117 on: June 24, 2017, 06:57:26 PM »
Wife and I are thinking about downsizing from our 2300 square foot 4 bedroom 2.5 bath split level with 3 car garage down to a 1350 square foot townhome with 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath and a 1 car garage.

We bought the split for 190,000 about 5 years ago and figure we can sell for somewhere between 260 and 270 now. We like it, but splits are laid out terribly and there is so much wasted space yet hardly any storage. It also has vaulted ceilings (which means higher utilities)! We figure really only only use about half the space and the rest is just wasted. The backyard is also extremely windy (we live in one of the windiest cities in the country), making the deck almost unusable.

The new place seems to be laid out fairly nice, just needs a coat of paint, new flooring, and some work on the landscaping. It is about 1 block from the daycare our daughter that is due in July will be attending, and walking distance to my work. The park and ride for my wife to get to work downtown is also only about a 1 mile drive. It also has HOA that handles lawncare, snow removal, and exterior maintenance (I loathe yardwork, but my wife wants a place of our own, this is a good compromise)

We figure with our income we could have this place paid off in a few short years. We were excited and called the in-laws to come look at it with us, and their first question was if we are having money problems. Then they called us (me) lazy, nevermind I make great money as an engineer and we are just thinking about making a lifestyle choice millions of others make (hell, they live in an HOA with lawncare and snow removal themselves). I think they would be embarassed, they want us to move into something nicer than we have now, which is quite ironic because they sold their old place a few years ago and we figured they were downsizing and instead moved into something nicer and now are complaining about having to work at least another 6-7 years when they want to retire now. I don't want to make that mistake.

So of course they made my wife feel like shit (I don't give a fuck what they, or anyone else thinks).

Rowellen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3118 on: June 24, 2017, 08:31:26 PM »
Wife and I are thinking about downsizing from our 2300 square foot 4 bedroom 2.5 bath split level with 3 car garage down to a 1350 square foot townhome with 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath and a 1 car garage.

We bought the split for 190,000 about 5 years ago and figure we can sell for somewhere between 260 and 270 now. We like it, but splits are laid out terribly and there is so much wasted space yet hardly any storage. It also has vaulted ceilings (which means higher utilities)! We figure really only only use about half the space and the rest is just wasted. The backyard is also extremely windy (we live in one of the windiest cities in the country), making the deck almost unusable.

The new place seems to be laid out fairly nice, just needs a coat of paint, new flooring, and some work on the landscaping. It is about 1 block from the daycare our daughter that is due in July will be attending, and walking distance to my work. The park and ride for my wife to get to work downtown is also only about a 1 mile drive. It also has HOA that handles lawncare, snow removal, and exterior maintenance (I loathe yardwork, but my wife wants a place of our own, this is a good compromise)

We figure with our income we could have this place paid off in a few short years. We were excited and called the in-laws to come look at it with us, and their first question was if we are having money problems. Then they called us (me) lazy, nevermind I make great money as an engineer and we are just thinking about making a lifestyle choice millions of others make (hell, they live in an HOA with lawncare and snow removal themselves). I think they would be embarassed, they want us to move into something nicer than we have now, which is quite ironic because they sold their old place a few years ago and we figured they were downsizing and instead moved into something nicer and now are complaining about having to work at least another 6-7 years when they want to retire now. I don't want to make that mistake.

So of course they made my wife feel like shit (I don't give a fuck what they, or anyone else thinks).

It sucks that they can't be happy for you but I think it sounds delightful.

paddedhat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3119 on: June 25, 2017, 07:26:09 AM »


It sucks that they can't be happy for you but I think it sounds delightful.
[/quote]

Regarding the name calling (Lazy) and obnoxious response by the in-laws. I put up with a similar response when we switched homes, to better accommodate our young kids and recently disabled wife. Simply put, the new home didn't suit my mom's concept of "moving up" and she decided the way to handle it was to be a snarky bitch. This was followed by two other uncalled for unpleasant comments in the following months. The DW and I handled it well. We  gave her the cold shoulder for a few months, until she decided she needed to "confront" us on why she was being treated so poorly. I then laid out that we were now on the Golden Rule program, and if she had anything nasty to say, she could either keep her pie hole shut, or expect to be shown the door. We treat others with dignity and respect and expect the same of her. If she chose to be nasty, she wasn't welcomed to be part of our lives. She was stunned by the fact that her own son called her out on her bullshit, but it completely stopped the problem. 

You're stuck with the inlaws, but IMHO, hell would freeze over before they called me lazy, and were not quickly educated on the fact that they have crossed the line, and will regret ever doing it again.

Gronnie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3120 on: June 25, 2017, 10:58:30 AM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

crispy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3121 on: June 25, 2017, 11:48:54 AM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

We downsized a few years back and some people also assumed that we were crazy or going broke. I like to live by the saying that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3122 on: June 25, 2017, 12:04:43 PM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

I'd probably just take his attempts to talk you out of this house as humorous. "oh, sure - it's terrible isn't it? Living in a cardboard box on the street practically! We're almost homeless hobos aren't we? Oh the horror!"

Humor sometimes does help to defuse critical commentary and might also help him to see how ridiculous he's being. At the least, you can discount his silly interference without yelling or getting angry.
I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3123 on: June 25, 2017, 01:13:55 PM »
when we downsized only 1 friend was critical and at ages 53 & 58 many people our age do that.  I would just ignore your FIL and do what you want. Hopefully, they won't talk your wife out of it.  A smaller place will be a lot quicker to clean, etc. YOur overall expenses will go down.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3124 on: June 25, 2017, 06:23:08 PM »

Regarding the name calling (Lazy) and obnoxious response by the in-laws. I put up with a similar response when we switched homes, to better accommodate our young kids and recently disabled wife. Simply put, the new home didn't suit my mom's concept of "moving up" and she decided the way to handle it was to be a snarky bitch. This was followed by two other uncalled for unpleasant comments in the following months. The DW and I handled it well. We  gave her the cold shoulder for a few months, until she decided she needed to "confront" us on why she was being treated so poorly. I then laid out that we were now on the Golden Rule program, and if she had anything nasty to say, she could either keep her pie hole shut, or expect to be shown the door. We treat others with dignity and respect and expect the same of her. If she chose to be nasty, she wasn't welcomed to be part of our lives. She was stunned by the fact that her own son called her out on her bullshit, but it completely stopped the problem. 

You're stuck with the inlaws, but IMHO, hell would freeze over before they called me lazy, and were not quickly educated on the fact that they have crossed the line, and will regret ever doing it again.

Good for you! 

It took several equally blunt discussions between my mom and I to get her behavior to be acceptable.  Never got past acceptable because she just couldn't let her preconceptions go.   And I mean to her dying day.  Literally.



marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3125 on: June 26, 2017, 07:17:58 AM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

This is literally my future. I am also a pretty logical engineer, but my future MIL is very emotional. Both me and my boyfriend live well under our means mainly by living with roommates and driving cheap cars, and his parents are very judgmental because it's not the lifestyle an engineer should have apparently. And we shouldn't "go backwards" as they said once. I'm starting to think they're embarrassed by us, because they want to brag about how successful their son is through outwardly appearances of buying a house or fancy car.

kelvin

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3126 on: June 26, 2017, 12:34:01 PM »
My parents aren't spendypants, but they want a better life for me than what I'm currently living. I just got a middle-class income for the first time in my life, and they want me to upgrade a bit. I have every plan on doing so, but not all at once. All the things at once would put me in credit card debt.

List of excuses to get the parents off my back:

"You don't have a TV!" "I'm never home right now, maybe this winter."

"We never see you, why are you still working two jobs?" "I've saved up $X for an emergency fund and paid off $Y in student loans in six months."

"You wear the same three shirts all the time!" "I work in IT, my boss wears socks and sandals."

"You need to buy/rent a place with a guest room." "...I hate having houseguests?" I honestly don't have a good quip for this one yet.

I think I need to tell them that I'm Eccentric. There are a few Eccentrics in the family, it'll help adjust my parent's expectations for me. Swearing, terrible host/houseguest manners, and ERE-style-frugality will become expected. Unliked, but at least expected.

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3127 on: June 26, 2017, 12:36:47 PM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

This is literally my future. I am also a pretty logical engineer, but my future MIL is very emotional. Both me and my boyfriend live well under our means mainly by living with roommates and driving cheap cars, and his parents are very judgmental because it's not the lifestyle an engineer should have apparently. And we shouldn't "go backwards" as they said once. I'm starting to think they're embarrassed by us, because they want to brag about how successful their son is through outwardly appearances of buying a house or fancy car.

My parents are the same way. I've had to flat out tell them that I'm happy with my life and that I plan on retiring before I'm 40. And then I mention, "Don't worry, you have 2 other children that should give you plenty of material to brag about to your friends," and then they deny that is their purpose.

cheapass

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3128 on: June 26, 2017, 01:03:28 PM »
"You need to buy/rent a place with a guest room." "...I hate having houseguests?" I honestly don't have a good quip for this one yet.

You've done the math and the rare occurrence of a guest staying over doesn't justify the additional cost (rent/mortgage/utilities/cleaning) of another room. You'd probably come out ahead if you paid for a hotel each and every time someone wanted to come visit you.

Or there's always the blanket statement I like to use - "I'd rather work less than spend more."
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marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3129 on: June 26, 2017, 01:06:28 PM »
Father in law was over and wanted to talk about "it" again today. Said he couldn't sleep last night and that the place is a shithole and we deserve better. Literally the only thing "wrong" with it is that it is smaller than our current place and needs some cosmetic updates.

It's hard because he argues from emotion and I am a logical engineer. I just let him say his thing and didn't even bother responding besides "OK". At the end of the day it is our life (mine, my wife, and my daughter's), and we will do what we want. It's not worth getting worked up over or into arguments imo.

Besides this, the in-laws have been for the most part great. I have been very lucky in that regard. That's the biggest reason I am willing to let this go. If it persists much farther there will be words though.

This is literally my future. I am also a pretty logical engineer, but my future MIL is very emotional. Both me and my boyfriend live well under our means mainly by living with roommates and driving cheap cars, and his parents are very judgmental because it's not the lifestyle an engineer should have apparently. And we shouldn't "go backwards" as they said once. I'm starting to think they're embarrassed by us, because they want to brag about how successful their son is through outwardly appearances of buying a house or fancy car.

My parents are the same way. I've had to flat out tell them that I'm happy with my life and that I plan on retiring before I'm 40. And then I mention, "Don't worry, you have 2 other children that should give you plenty of material to brag about to your friends," and then they deny that is their purpose.

Next time they have a snarky comment I should ask if they're just embarrassed by us. They do have a daughter, but she hasn't bought a house or anything. She actually is living in her parent's rental house for $600 a month. I guess they can brag about where she works (a very large company) but I still don't think she makes as much as us even with a master's degree. Either way, she doesn't have too much to show for her money other than a bunch of useless stuff (furniture, clothes, makeup) and a brand new SUV. They made a big deal out of highschool/college graduations for both of them, hosted large parties and invited a bunch of people (some people that aren't even close to the actual grad!), so it's definitely an appearances thing.

Gondolin

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3130 on: June 26, 2017, 03:14:26 PM »
Quote
And we shouldn't "go backwards" as they said once

Every time I hear about parents who want their children to rise all I think about is the scene in the Godfather where Marlon Brando tells Al Pacino that he never wanted him to join the family business and how he hoped that Micheal would be "Governor Corleone, Senator Corleone...".
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Gondolin

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3131 on: June 26, 2017, 03:30:16 PM »
Also, I've posted about my aunt before but, new developments require a fresh rant.

My aunt makes 300-400k a year depending on bonus. She lives alone with a big dog (used to be two) and travels for work about half the year. She also owns a 38 ft boat at an annual cost of ~20k.

Two years ago she announced she was going to downsize and move to FL. My family rejoiced that maybe she had seen the light.

Yesterday, she closed on a 4000 sq ft, 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom, 2 kitchen waterfront mansion with built-in pool. Which she will live in alone. When she's home ~180 days a year.

She is 65 and has no plans to retire despite complaining about how sick she is of traveling.
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LeRainDrop

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3132 on: June 26, 2017, 03:49:30 PM »
This is literally my future. I am also a pretty logical engineer, but my future MIL is very emotional. Both me and my boyfriend live well under our means mainly by living with roommates and driving cheap cars, and his parents are very judgmental because it's not the lifestyle an engineer should have apparently. And we shouldn't "go backwards" as they said once. I'm starting to think they're embarrassed by us, because they want to brag about how successful their son is through outwardly appearances of buying a house or fancy car.

I have no idea if this makes any sense to anyone, but I actually grew up believing, based on statements my mom made, that "the government only lets you buy a house that's less expensive than the one you currently own one time in your life before they penalize you."  The concept sounded to me like you're supposed to, or are required to keep "upgrading" your home every time you buy a new one until the very last one, when you retire, you're allowed to get a smaller, less expensive house.  This was said with some idea that there is a tax penalty or something for downsizing more than once.  I still can't figure out if it was my child-brain misinterpreting what she said, or if she was just saying something totally wrong and consumerist.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2017, 03:52:37 PM by LeRainDrop »

Gondolin

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3133 on: June 26, 2017, 04:02:48 PM »
Quote
the government only lets you buy a house that's less expensive than the one you currently own one time in your life before they penalize you."

Whaaaaat? Racking my brains to think of a way this would be true. Can't think of one. Even if there was a tax penalty, the gains on selling are tax free / taxed at the capital gains rate!
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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3134 on: June 26, 2017, 04:26:13 PM »
Quote
the government only lets you buy a house that's less expensive than the one you currently own one time in your life before they penalize you."

Whaaaaat? Racking my brains to think of a way this would be true. Can't think of one. Even if there was a tax penalty, the gains on selling are tax free / taxed at the capital gains rate!

Yea, I could see how such twisted logic could  exist.  When the capital gains rules for primary residences changed,  it seemed like it took decades for the majority of the public to "get it". The question still appears occasionally in financial advice columns, where poster make it clear that they still don't have a clue, or are citing decades old, and incorrect, tax rules as facts.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3135 on: June 26, 2017, 04:50:14 PM »
If the problem really is because they see you are moving backwards and they also don't have bragging rights, explain what you are doing.

Here's a great blog that shows someone who has already done this.

http://rootofgood.com/about/


Give them a printed copy and tell them to read it before they bring up the subject again.   Then add that they will be able to brag about how you and your wife were able to make enough money to retire so very young and life the life you want.

doublethinkmoney

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3136 on: June 26, 2017, 05:33:56 PM »
That commute sounds amazing! With a kid on the way, anything that makes your life less work and easier will totally be worth it!


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AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3137 on: June 26, 2017, 07:34:07 PM »
My employer decided to give all full time employees a 50k life insurance policy; my primary beneficiary was obvious.  Then for the back up I asked my two cousins if they wanted to be listed - 'if you want to be the back up send me your dob/ssn/address'.  First cousin J. sends me the info in like 5 hours and says thanks.  Second one R. says they will get me the info.  Few days go by - nothing, I remind R. I need the info by monday.  No word at all from R. but is on FB so I know they read the message.  R. has a history of not replying to people or getting back to them - I did not want to cause drama but I did not want to reward R's behavior or pester someone about giving them money so I turned in the form monday afternoon with only J. listed.  R and J siblings so I really hope this does not cause problems.  I emailed there mother and told her what happened just so she was in the loop; J and R are both adults and this situation will not be surprising to the mother. 

Data privacy was definitely not a concern with R. and we have always been on good terms.  I very much understand that not everyone wants all gifts that are offered (boy do I know this from the receiver side!!!) but like most people could get around to sending a FB message for a modest shot at 25k.  R. is ~30 and makes modest money now and will become a SAHP soon, so like yeah 25k would be noticeable. 
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Mezzie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3138 on: June 26, 2017, 08:17:41 PM »
The same has happened to me. Two of my siblings are beneficiaries on everything because they gave me their info; others, including nieces, cousins, and another sibling never got back to me. I may send out a reminder before our next family get-together for people to bring that info, and I can bring my computer and just do it all right there so they don't have to worry about anything.
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ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3139 on: June 27, 2017, 05:06:01 AM »
My wife's oldest brother thought we were ridiculous when we downsized from our too-big split-level (sold for $315k) and bought a half-double in a good school district for $175k. What's the point of being rich if you live in a twin? - that's what he said.

You know what's funny, though? Of the four houses owned by my wife and her family nearby, ours, the smallest and oldest, is the best for family get-togethers, which are now approaching 20 people. The whole first floor is one big 15x45 space, so nobody who's cooking is left out, and the finished attic is a playroom, so I take the kids upstairs and the siblings can chat. Everybody else's houses are too split up and too jam-packed with crap to be comfortable.

marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3140 on: June 27, 2017, 06:04:01 AM »
If the problem really is because they see you are moving backwards and they also don't have bragging rights, explain what you are doing.

Here's a great blog that shows someone who has already done this.

http://rootofgood.com/about/


Give them a printed copy and tell them to read it before they bring up the subject again.   Then add that they will be able to brag about how you and your wife were able to make enough money to retire so very young and life the life you want.

I think we've briefly explained our goals, but eventually stopped talking about it because they think it's crazy to live with "only" $50k a year. Really, our spending isn't even that high, we were just trying to make it sound less extreme. His mom said she would be "comfortable" on $90k a year on retirement, and I'm assuming that's after a paid off house because they're going to have three properties in retirement. I have a feeling they will spend more than that during retirement considering property tax and everything, but I could be wrong. I'm not sure exactly how much they make now, but they're easily upper middle class. They are very in denial about how rich they are, having complained about Obamacare for example and how they shouldn't be paying so much, the 1% should be footing the bill for the rest. They made a comment last week about how they're "not made of money" so they didn't hire movers to move them to their new beach house (I have a feeling this was a guilt trip because my boyfriend helped me move and not them in the same weekend). I'm pretty sure they are literally the definition of made of money by most people's standards.

Pigeon

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3141 on: June 27, 2017, 06:37:18 AM »
I just need to vent...

My father passed away last year and my mother has been dealing with the financial aftermath of the whole ordeal. One of those is a rental property they own, which they shouldn't had even bought to begin with, and one which was actually costing them money. The house is vacant now and we are working towards selling it.

On Sunday, while we are all visiting my mother, my younger brother (I have 4 bros) tells us that the semiannual taxes are due on the home and for everyone to split it evenly at a cost of $82 each.

I said, "Sure, I'll PayPal you," and so did my other two brothers.  My 38yo older brother instead responded, "I can only give you $50 since his wife is about to have the baby and I'm taking ten days off work without pay."

This was after showing us pics of the $125 wheels which he drove 3hrs. roundtrip to get off Craigslist for his project car the day before.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity​fuck.....  Like seriously????

I understand that you were not aware that an $82 "bill" was going to pop up out of nowhere, but how are you buying wheels for a project car if you know you're going to be without two weeks pay very soon, and apparently you don't have any money saved, because of you did, the extra $32 wouldn't be an issue?

I don't know what to say... I'm just so frustrated with him and his mentality. He's a great dad and a good brother but his financial stupidity makes me want to choke him.

It would depend on who actually owns the house to me.  If your father left it to your mother, I can understand your brother not being thrilled to be handed part of her property tax bill with no discussion about it.  If your father left the house equally to the brothers, that's different.

kelvin

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3142 on: June 27, 2017, 07:37:59 AM »
"You need to buy/rent a place with a guest room." "...I hate having houseguests?" I honestly don't have a good quip for this one yet.

You've done the math and the rare occurrence of a guest staying over doesn't justify the additional cost (rent/mortgage/utilities/cleaning) of another room. You'd probably come out ahead if you paid for a hotel each and every time someone wanted to come visit you.

Or there's always the blanket statement I like to use - "I'd rather work less than spend more."

I agree with you, cheapass, but my parents honestly believe that I should keep a guest room specifically so they can visit. They also keep guest rooms specifically so my brother and I can visit. Their parents keep guest rooms specifically so family can visit. Then they complain that we don't visit often enough. I complain that I'm working two jobs, they're retired, they should visit me instead... but I don't keep a guest room.  It's this weird, vicious cycle.

The real reason I don't keep a guest room is because I live with a much lower standard of living than any of my relatives, and got tired of hearing about it every time one of them stayed over. I'm happy, but my guests are uncomfortable. I'm considering an RV or something - I live in the city, but my family hate the city. An RV or cottage they can stay in just outside of town would be a great compromise.

I'm also baffled because my parents were never on very close terms with their parents. They seem to expect to be an active part of the lives of their two kids (who live 8 hours away), but they are not active parts of the lives of their parents (who live 30 min away). I think they are still continually disappointed that their lives cannot revolve around my brother and I anymore. We're in our 30s; get over it.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3143 on: June 27, 2017, 11:11:17 AM »
I'm also baffled because my parents were never on very close terms with their parents. They seem to expect to be an active part of the lives of their two kids (who live 8 hours away), but they are not active parts of the lives of their parents (who live 30 min away). I think they are still continually disappointed that their lives cannot revolve around my brother and I anymore. We're in our 30s; get over it.

Your parents demonstrated exactly how they thought children should treat their elders, not just once but for years or even decades. The only possible explanation is that they'd like to be on the receiving end themselves when it's their turn.
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ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3144 on: June 27, 2017, 11:43:01 AM »
Several years ago we offered to open 529s for our two nephews. The parents of the oldest nephew said thanks and said that was a good idea. However they have never actually provided us his SSN that would allow us to open an account, despite us asking a couple of times. The second newphew's parents gave us this lame song and dance about not wanting assets to count against their kid's future ability to qualify for aid and preferred that we give them the money as cash. Like hell we are going to do that.

So, two offers of free money and two rejections. I just don't get it.
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mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3145 on: June 27, 2017, 11:50:42 AM »
Several years ago we offered to open 529s for our two nephews. The parents of the oldest nephew said thanks and said that was a good idea. However they have never actually provided us his SSN that would allow us to open an account, despite us asking a couple of times. The second newphew's parents gave us this lame song and dance about not wanting assets to count against their kid's future ability to qualify for aid and preferred that we give them the money as cash. Like hell we are going to do that.

So, two offers of free money and two rejections. I just don't get it.

The 529 legitimately fucked me for financial aid. Now, I wasn't really screwed because my parents and I had saved, but I could have had free money, but the 529 worked against me. Because I was responsible, I didn't get financial aid. Wonderful.

(Financial aid meaning scholarships, not loans)

ysette9

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3146 on: June 27, 2017, 12:40:00 PM »
Whether that would be true in their particular situation I cannot say. I can say that we don't really trust their money management skills, so we are not willing to give them cash to keep under a mattress until the kid is old enough for college.

I would have thought that some money in a 529 would be better than nothing, but perhaps not. To each their own.
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Paul der Krake

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3147 on: June 27, 2017, 01:29:12 PM »
Only a tiny fraction of 529 monies is counted as assets. You would have been even more "fucked" if your parents had kept the cash in a brokerage account.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3148 on: June 27, 2017, 02:08:49 PM »
Only a tiny fraction of 529 monies is counted as assets. You would have been even more "fucked" if your parents had kept the cash in a brokerage account.

Yes, you're right. It just pissed me off that they count as assets in the first place--if they do, then boats, cars, designer clothing, nintendos, etc. should count as well. Not to mention the fact that since I worked so flipping hard, and so did my parents, I now have about $20,000 stuck in a 529 plan that I can't take out unless I go to grad school which I'm unsure I want to do. Oh well, it will be a good jump for my kids savings.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #3149 on: June 27, 2017, 02:24:34 PM »
Kelvin, your parents need to get their own life, friends, etc. At 63 I enjoy my adult kids but my life revolves around our friends, activities, etc. When we visit my son that lives out of town we sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a blow up air mattress in the DR. The house he rents is old and rundown but clean, etc and i could care less. I am there to see him. My sons that live in town I have over to dinner every week or 2 and they invite us over too. I do more of the cooking because I only work p.t. and they both work f.t.