Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 1039864 times)

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2800 on: April 26, 2017, 12:32:12 AM »
For some reason we are having to entertain all the people who are coming to see our baby. This involves my husband cooking elaborate meals, what he normally does anyway, but now for more people, every night. Our grocery bill will be huge.

I don't understand this.  When my friends have babies, I offer to make them dinner and drop it off at their home for them to consume.  I don't eat their food, and I don't have them cook for or entertain me.  Am I doing this backwards?  ;-)

Nope. That's normal.
Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

Linda_Norway

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1910
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2801 on: April 26, 2017, 01:39:12 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

shelivesthedream

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2517
  • Location: London, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2802 on: April 26, 2017, 02:30:15 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

This is sensible advice. The advice that leapt to my mind was if they won't stay in a hotel, why don't you let them stay in your house and take you, DH and the baby off to a hotel by yourselves? :P You could do a moonlight flit and leave a note!! :)

gaja

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 809
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2803 on: April 26, 2017, 02:35:20 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).
Travelling to 71 Northern Latitude in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2804 on: April 26, 2017, 03:24:54 AM »
I was ignored when I told people no visitors for the first month. Laughed at actually. Imagine waiting a whole month to see a baby! Ugh.

I consider it a win that DHs parents didn't come at the same time as my parents (they waited until week 3 to not overlap and were pissed about it), and that my parents were not at the hospital when I was in labor (they were with my sister.) Nor staring at me for a week before I went into labor.

My Mom wanted to be here 2 weeks before my due date "just in case" and I put a hell no on that. They came 2 days before, so 1 before I gave birth.


gaja

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 809
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2805 on: April 26, 2017, 04:23:28 AM »
I was ignored when I told people no visitors for the first month. Laughed at actually. Imagine waiting a whole month to see a baby! Ugh.

I consider it a win that DHs parents didn't come at the same time as my parents (they waited until week 3 to not overlap and were pissed about it), and that my parents were not at the hospital when I was in labor (they were with my sister.) Nor staring at me for a week before I went into labor.

My Mom wanted to be here 2 weeks before my due date "just in case" and I put a hell no on that. They came 2 days before, so 1 before I gave birth.

After seeing how parents and inlaws can behave at these types of occasions, DH and I made it clear that we were completely willing to physically lock the doors and enforce our boundaries (DH promised me he would physically throw people out if they intruded on us at the hospital. The nurses did the same). In the three weeks before birth and six weeks after, I don't give a living shit about other people's feelings. It is not that long ago that childbirth was the #1 cause of death both for mothers and children, and post partum depression is a real thing.

The type of people who will laugh at pregnant women who are trying to set boundaries, will not respond well to pleas for help. You usually have to explode in anger at them a few times, and heavily enforce your boundaries. Then they will listen, and behave as decent human beings. Grandparents' feelings are irrelevant in the time periode around the birth. If they don't understand this, they need to go home. If they express any type of entitlement (like "being pissed"); laugh in their faces, and tell them you will send them some photos when you are feeling like it, but right now they need to leave. If your husband won't back you up, he can leave too.

Sorry for the rant. I had two babies in two years, horrible pregnancies and births, and the younger one nearly died. Life got a lot easier when I hit rock bottom and decided it was my way or no way.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 04:25:05 AM by gaja »
Travelling to 71 Northern Latitude in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2801
  • Location: Emmaus, PA
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2806 on: April 26, 2017, 05:45:01 AM »
I peaked, your husband needs to get on your team here. He should hear that explicitly. One month in when all the baby wants is to nurse, the husband's highest priority has to be supporting the mother.

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2807 on: April 26, 2017, 06:34:59 AM »
The good news is everyone is gone for now. 

gaja

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 809
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2808 on: April 26, 2017, 08:23:19 AM »
The good news is everyone is gone for now.

That is great news. But you should:
a) tell yourself to don't give a shit about what the old people might be thinking and feeling
b) tell your husband from me ("stranger on the internet") that he has failed in his duties as a father. His main role was to protect his newborn baby and it's mother, and instead he has focused on his and your already egocentric parents.

Ok, maybe you should choose less harsh words. But this is the type of thing that can fester for a long time, so you do need to agree on your boundaries and roles.
Travelling to 71 Northern Latitude in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

shelivesthedream

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2517
  • Location: London, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2809 on: April 26, 2017, 10:40:43 AM »
The good news is everyone is gone for now.

That is great news. But you should:
a) tell yourself to don't give a shit about what the old people might be thinking and feeling
b) tell your husband from me ("stranger on the internet") that he has failed in his duties as a father. His main role was to protect his newborn baby and it's mother, and instead he has focused on his and your already egocentric parents.

Ok, maybe you should choose less harsh words. But this is the type of thing that can fester for a long time, so you do need to agree on your boundaries and roles.

Wow, that is really harsh. I know you don't mean to be, but that was like, out of the park harsh. Maybe a little rephrase, like:

b) Tell your husband that such a visit will never happen again without your express permission and it is his job to enforce that boundary with both your parents because you need to deal with the aftermath of labour and the baby.

gaja

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 809
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2810 on: April 26, 2017, 11:02:56 AM »
The good news is everyone is gone for now.

That is great news. But you should:
a) tell yourself to don't give a shit about what the old people might be thinking and feeling
b) tell your husband from me ("stranger on the internet") that he has failed in his duties as a father. His main role was to protect his newborn baby and it's mother, and instead he has focused on his and your already egocentric parents.

Ok, maybe you should choose less harsh words. But this is the type of thing that can fester for a long time, so you do need to agree on your boundaries and roles.

Wow, that is really harsh. I know you don't mean to be, but that was like, out of the park harsh. Maybe a little rephrase, like:

b) Tell your husband that such a visit will never happen again without your express permission and it is his job to enforce that boundary with both your parents because you need to deal with the aftermath of labour and the baby.

Yup, that is probably a better phrasing. But the first weeks after a baby is born are life changing. Without cooperation between the parents, and with grandparents trampling all over boundaries, it can get really bad. So I do think a bit of harshness is called for. I trust Iowajes to adjust the harshness level to what is appropriate to her family life. :)
Travelling to 71 Northern Latitude in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

TOgirl

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 61
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2811 on: April 26, 2017, 11:15:11 AM »
With my first baby, my MIL was out of town on vacation and explicitly told me that I'd better not have the baby before she returned. Baby came 4 weeks early, while she was away. Perfect timing really, because MIL is too much to deal with. She arrived home from vacation when baby was 3 days old...and proceeded to come straight to our house from the airport....at 11pm...to meet the baby. Hubby was not as good at setting boundaries back then, but I hated every time she visited. She proceeded to visit several more times over the next few days (we lived in the same town) and would just plop herself on the couch, demand to hold the baby, tell me what I wasn't doing right with the baby, and ask me to make her tea. We stopped talking for a while after those incidents. My parents respected our wishes all the time. Came over with food, helped with dishes and laundry, etc.

With our second baby, he was born at home (planned)...and we told everyone that our daughter would be the first one to meet him, and relatives could meet him after that. He was born around 11:30pm, and we called both sets of parents to let them know he arrived safely. My parents (who were caring for our daughter) sent best wishes and wanted to know when we wanted our daughter home to meet the baby. We told them to bring her in the morning - they dropped her at the door in the morning and waited outside so that she could meet her brother on her own. His parents demanded to come over immediately and were angry that we declined visitors after midnight. Angry.

They aren't my favourite people. Wonder why. Our kids are older now, and we have established boundaries with the in-laws. The above stories are only a couple of the reasons why.


prudent_one

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2812 on: April 26, 2017, 12:58:00 PM »
I was skeptical of the story a friend told me last week until I just now read these tales of relatives and new babies. I guess she wasn't exaggerating.

Her baby was 3 weeks old and she and the baby flew to stay for a week with her grandparents who were financially unable to come to visit them and see the baby.  She lasted 3 days before coming back home.

The grandparents are in OK health (they still drive capably). But the grandmother decided to be all "I know best" regarding the childcare. Grandfather won't ask directions for anything and since they have nothing else to do they don't mind if a 30 minute trip takes 90 minutes when grandfather takes a wrong turn somewhere.  At the 60-minute mark on day one, heading out to dinner, with no apparent end in sight due to being lost, my friend asks them to stop so she can feed the baby. Grandmother says the baby doesn't need to eat already so they won't stop. Finally they get to the restaurant and my friend says she needs to feed the baby before they go in. Now grandmother is upset because the place is starting to get crowded and they don't want to wait in a long line. Oh, and I already told you the baby doesn't need to eat so soon. They won't wait for my friend and go in without her (lest they not get seated ASAP), letting her feed the baby in the car.

The next day grandmother lectures my friend that she feeds the baby too often, she holds the baby too much, she shouldn't fuss when the baby starts to cry, she isn't using the right diapers, she isn't bathing the baby right.... on and on.  My friend makes up an excuse and pays $$$ to change her flight home so she can get out of there the next day.

I was shocked that anyone would act like that (especially family) but your stories have convinced me it's not far-fetched.

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2813 on: April 26, 2017, 01:08:38 PM »
I have no doubt that happened.

I also don't think my husband failed as a father. He's awesome, and we let ourself be boundary stomped together.


Cassie

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3840
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2814 on: April 26, 2017, 01:32:35 PM »
It's such a shame that people don't respect boundaries. WE never had any problems with my parents or the in-laws. If I had family like some of you guys I would not even tell them I was pregnant until a month after the baby was born:))   Of course this only works if you live in different towns.

marielle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 24
  • Location: South Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2815 on: April 26, 2017, 01:41:34 PM »
It's 100% true. If you're a redditor, visit r/JustNoMIL. Countless stories of MILs going crazy over the grandkids: complaining about not spending enough time with them, telling the parents that everything they're doing is wrong, putting the grandkids in dangerous situations, etc... Most of the stories on there are grandkid related, actually.

One example:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4bycmd/you_dont_take_a_moms_11hour_old_baby_out_of_her/

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2816 on: April 26, 2017, 01:49:10 PM »
It's such a shame that people don't respect boundaries. WE never had any problems with my parents or the in-laws. If I had family like some of you guys I would not even tell them I was pregnant until a month after the baby was born:))   Of course this only works if you live in different towns.

We didn't tell the in laws I was in labor until I had the baby. (Which MIL the posted on facebook before we did!!! SIL was amazing and posted "seriously? Before the parents? No one else commented, and DH made her take it down after SIL told us it was there.) My parents we didn't tell until dinner time, when we called to tell them we wouldn't be home.

I don't think there will be any more children, my two pregnancies have been very hard, but not telling anyone sounds great. We could just show up to a family reunion and be like "we have two living children now". Sounds easier.

Goldielocks

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4976
  • Location: BC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2817 on: April 26, 2017, 02:57:06 PM »
I have no doubt that happened.

I also don't think my husband failed as a father. He's awesome, and we let ourself be boundary stomped together.

Yay for solidarity!   

...?..
 
:-)

Cookie78

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1709
  • Location: Canada
    • Cookie's Goals
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2818 on: April 26, 2017, 03:50:38 PM »
It's 100% true. If you're a redditor, visit r/JustNoMIL. Countless stories of MILs going crazy over the grandkids: complaining about not spending enough time with them, telling the parents that everything they're doing is wrong, putting the grandkids in dangerous situations, etc... Most of the stories on there are grandkid related, actually.

One example:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4bycmd/you_dont_take_a_moms_11hour_old_baby_out_of_her/

AWESOME move by the father!

shelivesthedream

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2517
  • Location: London, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2819 on: April 26, 2017, 05:08:16 PM »
It's such a shame that people don't respect boundaries. WE never had any problems with my parents or the in-laws. If I had family like some of you guys I would not even tell them I was pregnant until a month after the baby was born:))   Of course this only works if you live in different towns.

Seriously already thinking about how long we can keep the news from my mother if we ever have children - of both birth and pregnancy. Mainly because we have a precarious entente which is largely built upon never saying anything other than small talk, and I can see how we'd get into deeper conversation pretty quickly about children. She'd ask about the birth plan, I'd obfuscate but eventually have to tell her, she'd make some passive-aggressive but deniable veiled criticism, I have to decide whether to play nice to keep the peace or enforce boundaries and start an argument and be accused of criticising HER... Oh man. (And iowajes, I sympathise with struggling to enforce boundaries - no one wants to pour petrol onto embers if the embers will just keep glowing quietly by themselves, but you still get burned by embers.) If I could keep the entire pregnancy and existence of the child secret from her forever, I would.

Riff

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 112
  • Location: West Michigan
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2820 on: April 26, 2017, 05:26:13 PM »
It's 100% true. If you're a redditor, visit r/JustNoMIL. Countless stories of MILs going crazy over the grandkids: complaining about not spending enough time with them, telling the parents that everything they're doing is wrong, putting the grandkids in dangerous situations, etc... Most of the stories on there are grandkid related, actually.

One example:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4bycmd/you_dont_take_a_moms_11hour_old_baby_out_of_her/

AWESOME move by the father!

I just went down the rabbit hole and read a few more posts by that person on reddit.  Holy shit.

Vindicated

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1135
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Indianapolis
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2821 on: April 27, 2017, 06:31:37 AM »
My MIL has been great with our Son, and respecting our boundaries.  My FIL's new wife, however, has comments about everything.  The day he was born, they came to visit at the hospital, and the FIRST thing she said was, "You got him circumcised, right?"  "Uh, no..."  "What?!?"  "We think it's unnecessary, and I'm not and never had problems..."

Who asks that?

I really think she's just trying to be helpful and make conversation, but it took a while for her to stop criticizing the most mundane choices we were making.  She seems to have backed off now that my Son managed to survive the first 2 years of life.
My MMM Journal: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/my-almost-perfect-life-experience/

"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. - Dalai Lama

HappierAtHome

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6022
  • Location: Australia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2822 on: April 27, 2017, 06:34:01 AM »
It's 100% true. If you're a redditor, visit r/JustNoMIL. Countless stories of MILs going crazy over the grandkids: complaining about not spending enough time with them, telling the parents that everything they're doing is wrong, putting the grandkids in dangerous situations, etc... Most of the stories on there are grandkid related, actually.

One example:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4bycmd/you_dont_take_a_moms_11hour_old_baby_out_of_her/

AWESOME move by the father!

I just went down the rabbit hole and read a few more posts by that person on reddit.  Holy shit.

I ended up reading every thread that person started. Oh my lord. Yeah, her husband is not a good example for anyone in any possible way.

Cookie78

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1709
  • Location: Canada
    • Cookie's Goals
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2823 on: April 27, 2017, 08:39:14 AM »
It's 100% true. If you're a redditor, visit r/JustNoMIL. Countless stories of MILs going crazy over the grandkids: complaining about not spending enough time with them, telling the parents that everything they're doing is wrong, putting the grandkids in dangerous situations, etc... Most of the stories on there are grandkid related, actually.

One example:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/4bycmd/you_dont_take_a_moms_11hour_old_baby_out_of_her/

AWESOME move by the father!

I just went down the rabbit hole and read a few more posts by that person on reddit.  Holy shit.

I ended up reading every thread that person started. Oh my lord. Yeah, her husband is not a good example for anyone in any possible way.

I had to go back and read more after your post. Holy shit, indeed.

Abundant life

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 137
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2824 on: April 27, 2017, 09:38:26 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).

Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?

Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.

Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?

sw1tch

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 269
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Middle of no and where
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2825 on: April 27, 2017, 10:12:49 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).

Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?

Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.

Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?

Not everyone has a loving, healthy relationship with their parents.  Ones that step all over your boundaries and don't respect you can wait until later (unless they can figure out that you're an adult with your own autonomy).  I fail to see how a parent that doesn't respect their own child's boundaries (the parents/parents to be) will respect their own grandchildren and their boundaries into the future.
<|>

I, sw1tch, will become a millionaire!
FIRE'd on 9/8/2017

gaja

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 809
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2826 on: April 27, 2017, 10:33:35 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).

Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?

Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.

Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?

The focus should be 100 % on what is best for the child, which is to have happy, relaxed and functioning parents. If the grandparent is able to keep that focus and be of help, then I would guess they probably will be invited to see the kid earlier. But far too many grandparents are far too self focused. Pressuring the parents to get into the delivery room, or to get to visit the baby as early as possible, is not at all good for the baby. A bleeding, insomniac woman, who is full of hormones and hurting everywhere, should not feel any obligation to carter to healthy grandparents, or be walking on eggshells because their feelings might be hurt. She needs to focus 100% of her energy on her new baby. Any adult that thinks their feelings should trump that, should seriously reconsider their priorities. 

As a potential grandmother, I'm looking forward to being of help to my daughters if they choose to have children. I'm raising them to be very clear about their feelings, needs and boundaries. I will see their children if and when they ask me to visit, and hopefully we will find a good dialogue so I can develop a good relationship with the grandkids as they grow up. The first 6-12 weeks have little or nothing to do with bonding with grandma, it is the next 18-20 years that matter.

Consider this scenario: you get a message from your daughter that her 7 year old son is in hospital, he has been in an accident and broken his back. He has been in a lot of pain, but has finally fallen asleep. Do you:
a) rush to the hospital and demand to see him to make sure that your beloved grandchild is ok? It will wake him up, be a source of stress for both your daughter and grandchild, and you will be of no use. But you will probably feel better after you've seen him.
b) reply to your daughter's text message with some encouraging words, and ask her to tell you immidiately if you can be of any help with anything. Maybe offer to babysit a sibling, make dinner, buy them something, or do something else that is useful.
Travelling to 71 Northern Latitude in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

Shinplaster

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1038
  • Location: north of the 49th
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2827 on: April 27, 2017, 10:51:39 AM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).

Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?

Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.

Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?

New grandma here.  WE suggested we wait a month to meet bubs (now 10 months old).  Was it hard? Yes.  It's our first grandchild.  We don't live in the same city, so we can't just pop by.  But we wanted our son and DIL to have a chance to settle in as their own little family first, and arrive when some help would be appreciated.  I knew from experience that at the one month stage, extra hands would be welcome.  It isn't OUR baby, it's their baby, and we will always try to do what's best for them first.  By doing so, we get a better relationship too. 

Our family tradition when meeting new babies is to bring food for now, food for the freezer, let Mom and/or Dad get a shower in peace, help with some cleaning if needed, cuddle bubs, and leave.   And always, always, call ahead and ask first, and don't be offended if the answer is 'not today'.   My MIL did not believe any of the above was necessary.  We ended up moving 2 hours away to stop her meddling.



When life shuts a door, open it again. It's a door.  That's how they work.

BlueHouse

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2585
  • Location: WDC
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2828 on: April 27, 2017, 12:03:33 PM »
I was ignored when I told people no visitors for the first month. Laughed at actually. Imagine waiting a whole month to see a baby! Ugh.

I consider it a win that DHs parents didn't come at the same time as my parents (they waited until week 3 to not overlap and were pissed about it), and that my parents were not at the hospital when I was in labor (they were with my sister.) Nor staring at me for a week before I went into labor.

My Mom wanted to be here 2 weeks before my due date "just in case" and I put a hell no on that. They came 2 days before, so 1 before I gave birth.

iowajes, first off, congrats on the baby and on surviving the family intrusions!  You are so much kinder and more polite than I would be. 

When my family has descended on me, I've done things like go to my bedroom and take a nap and then come out only when I felt like it.  Sit around and do nothing until someone else was very hungry.  People don't usually have the nerve to say something like "what are you making for me".  So I've even gone so far as to say "Ugh, I don't have much in the fridge...I suppose we could have PB&J or eggs".  But I'm pretty rude and self-centered so my family is used to bizarre behavior from me. 

Honestly, from what you've described, it sounds as if you're the perfect family to visit -- even when you've just had a baby -- because you go out of your way for your guests.  Those are the makings of great moms too!  :)    Best to you and your family!
Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2829 on: April 27, 2017, 12:29:41 PM »

Except.my friends have been bringing diapers and holding the baby for an hour so I can nap, since my husband cooks.

But none of our family is local, so they are coming for extended stays. And seem to think "helping" means something different than what I do.

That is hopeless, having to take care of visitors in additional to having a baby. Could you not sit down with them and have a talk. Tell them that you really appreciate them coming, but that it is a burden to be a host. As if they want to lift your burden by taking over some of your household chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Tell them that you are stressed out of your mind and really need some help.

Usually the easiest is to just say no. If you tell them ahead of the birth that you won't have any visitors until 6-12 weeks after the baby is born, it is much easier to loosen the rules afterwards. If they expect to almost take part in the birth, they will be disappointed if you ask them to wait one week before visiting. If they know from the start you want peace and quiet, they will be positively surprised if they get to see the baby already after two weeks.

With a newborn, usually the best help is to stay away (or bring food and leave).

Wow! All this seems a little harsh, not seeing a new grandchild for a couple of weeks?

Ok, you don't want to visit too long or inappropriately, but it seems a little cruel and unusual (maybe not so unusual!) to exclude the grandparents (who probably love the child the most next to the parents) and treat them with such disdain.

Knowing how much you love your children, how do you think you'd feel treated like this when your time came to be grandparents?

I think it would have been a lot easier if they were local and could have stopped by for a few hours, or even semi local and could have stopped by For a day. But when they live 20 hours away and therefore stop by for a week it becomes very difficult.

I was so stressed I went to the emergency room from my daughter's first pediatrician appointment because I was having chest pains and the pediatrician made me promise I would go. as expected those chest pains were entirely from Stress and Anxiety. Babies don't do much the first week anyway waiting until they're a little older they are a lot more fun
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 12:34:59 PM by iowajes »

marielle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 24
  • Location: South Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2830 on: April 27, 2017, 01:01:15 PM »
I'm glad I don't want kids...it seems like parents get especially crazy when you have your own kids, as if they're trying to "relive" their child raising days. The future parents in law are already crazy enough about us spending more time with them because they think we don't do anything but sit around on the weekends (I guess we're not old enough to have "adult" responsibilities in their mind). Is this normal? I mean, how must time should a couple in their 20s spend with their parents?

Same with weddings, everything has to be just right for THEM. No thanks, it's not your day and not your life, I'd rather spend that money on my future instead of a wedding. Thankfully this topic hasn't come up yet despite it being over 4 years now, but I'm sure it'll be a fun argument one day.

Vindicated

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1135
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Indianapolis
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2831 on: April 27, 2017, 01:10:45 PM »
Is this normal? I mean, how must time should a couple in their 20s spend with their parents?

I see my parents quite a bit, but they live close, and always want to see my Son.  So, we're happy to have the willing baby sitters close by.  They take him either overnight, or for a few hours, just about every weekend.  He loves it.  They love it.  We love it.  Win-win-win!
My MMM Journal: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/my-almost-perfect-life-experience/

"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. - Dalai Lama

marielle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 24
  • Location: South Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2832 on: April 27, 2017, 01:17:36 PM »
Is this normal? I mean, how must time should a couple in their 20s spend with their parents?

I see my parents quite a bit, but they live close, and always want to see my Son.  So, we're happy to have the willing baby sitters close by.  They take him either overnight, or for a few hours, just about every weekend.  He loves it.  They love it.  We love it.  Win-win-win!

Yeah, I could definitely see that if you have kids. But a mid 20s couple without kids and their own lives, who both work full time? Every weekend definitely won't happen. We already feel like we don't have enough time to do everything we want or need to do without going to visit family. Their ideal frequency is somewhere between every weekend and once a month, not sure. Their judgmental attitude towards our lifestyle choices (mentioned some of this on the previous page) certainly doesn't make me want to do it!

Cookie78

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1709
  • Location: Canada
    • Cookie's Goals
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2833 on: April 27, 2017, 01:24:30 PM »
Is this normal? I mean, how must time should a couple in their 20s spend with their parents?

I see my parents quite a bit, but they live close, and always want to see my Son.  So, we're happy to have the willing baby sitters close by.  They take him either overnight, or for a few hours, just about every weekend.  He loves it.  They love it.  We love it.  Win-win-win!

Yeah, I could definitely see that if you have kids. But a mid 20s couple without kids and their own lives, who both work full time? Every weekend definitely won't happen. We already feel like we don't have enough time to do everything we want or need to do without going to visit family. Their ideal frequency is somewhere between every weekend and once a month, not sure. Their judgmental attitude towards our lifestyle choices (mentioned some of this on the previous page) certainly doesn't make me want to do it!

Geez, in my mid-20's my parents would be lucky to get a phone call once a month, and that's with a great relationship and no lifestyle judgements! But it's hard to compare, since I didn't live very close. I'm glad they didn't mind the lack of communication and visiting. I remember being stunned to hear that my cousin's mom would freak out if she didn't get a phone call from my cousin each day.

Now, late-30's, I'm rearranging my life and FIRE'ing perhaps TOO early so that I can spend more time with them. They might actually start to get sick of me being around so much (probably not).

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2834 on: April 27, 2017, 01:53:37 PM »

Same with weddings, everything has to be just right for THEM. No thanks, it's not your day and not your life, I'd rather spend that money on my future instead of a wedding. Thankfully this topic hasn't come up yet despite it being over 4 years now, but I'm sure it'll be a fun argument one day.

My wedding would have been incredible fodder for this thread. I didn't care much about it, just wanted to get married. My Mom cared a lot, so after I realized everything I wanted was being vetoed, I just let her plan it and I showed up.

When she got the quote back from the flowers it was "too low" and she ordered twice as many!
I think I've mentioned my dress on this board- I went to David's bridal in hopes of saving some money on a boutique (which I did). But I picked one of the most expensive dresses in the store...  I also found a $99 sale dress that was "totally fine". My parents flipped at the idea of "totally fine" and insisted I get the "perfect" (which it was) dress that had a comma in its price.  They also paid $400 for veils I could have made for $15.
And my cake cost more than my dress.
I could go on...

marielle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 24
  • Location: South Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2835 on: April 27, 2017, 02:09:00 PM »

Same with weddings, everything has to be just right for THEM. No thanks, it's not your day and not your life, I'd rather spend that money on my future instead of a wedding. Thankfully this topic hasn't come up yet despite it being over 4 years now, but I'm sure it'll be a fun argument one day.
My wedding would have been incredible fodder for this thread. I didn't care much about it, just wanted to get married. My Mom cared a lot, so after I realized everything I wanted was being vetoed, I just let her plan it and I showed up.

Yikes, I would never agree to this. I already know they want their son to have a Catholic wedding, but neither of us are religious so that is definitely NOT happening. Plus they would invite way too many people that I don't know, and that would be way too stressful. It would me like 100+ people from that side of the family and then...my mom on my side. Yeah no thanks. Just being a guest at a wedding on that side of the family is stressful enough.

I think my boyfriend's parents seem similar to yours. It's not about what something looks like or the quality, it's about the price. There is an expected price to pay for something and if it's too low it's junk. For example, they bought a car with about the same number of miles as my boyfriend did except theirs was MUCH more expensive and a nice "luxury" vehicle. They consider his car a beater because it was "cheap" and not because of expected longevity or condition.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 02:11:28 PM by marielle »

iowajes

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5306
  • Location: United States
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2836 on: April 27, 2017, 02:46:54 PM »
I think my parents had as many friends at my wedding as I did. It's okay, they gave great gifts :)

I actually like my parents a lot, but we have different financial values.  That said, they are in no way irresponsible with money, they have plenty.
They don't give me a hard time about driving an Hyundai instead of a Lexus, or about not having cable; but they think I'm weird for it.

Gray Matter

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3052
  • Location: Midwest
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2837 on: April 27, 2017, 04:47:28 PM »
...But we wanted our son and DIL to have a chance to settle in as their own little family first, and arrive when some help would be appreciated.  I knew from experience that at the one month stage, extra hands would be welcome.  It isn't OUR baby, it's their baby, and we will always try to do what's best for them first.  By doing so, we get a better relationship too. 

Shinplaster - I just want to commend you for this attitude.  I think supportive, helpful parents are often welcome, but so many are not like this.  My MIL called shortly after my first child was born and asked me, "And how is MY baby?"  I was like, "Um...he's at work.  Oh, did you mean MY baby?  He's napping right now."  I can't stand it when grandparents act like it's their child--nope, you had yours and you either have a good relationship with them or you don't, and chances are you had a lot of influence on whether you do or don't.

HappierAtHome

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6022
  • Location: Australia
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2838 on: April 27, 2017, 06:04:43 PM »
Shinplaster, you're awesome.

mustachepungoeshere

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1891
  • Location: Sydney, Oz
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2839 on: April 27, 2017, 06:47:28 PM »
My MIL called shortly after my first child was born and asked me, "And how is MY baby?"  I was like, "Um...he's at work.  Oh, did you mean MY baby?  He's napping right now."

This is fantastic.

firelight

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1046
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2840 on: April 27, 2017, 07:28:43 PM »
So true. My mom is super helpful with baby and so she will come and stay with us for two months to help with delivery and baby. My dad is good too but has a lot of rules for baby, so he visits when mom is there to manage him and never for a long time.

My in-laws, on the other hand, though they are good people, they expect a lot of hosting to be done. So they'll visit for short times (or we'll visit them) once we are settled down and ready to do the hosting.

Shinplaster

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1038
  • Location: north of the 49th
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2841 on: April 27, 2017, 07:31:21 PM »
...But we wanted our son and DIL to have a chance to settle in as their own little family first, and arrive when some help would be appreciated.  I knew from experience that at the one month stage, extra hands would be welcome.  It isn't OUR baby, it's their baby, and we will always try to do what's best for them first.  By doing so, we get a better relationship too. 

Shinplaster - I just want to commend you for this attitude.  I think supportive, helpful parents are often welcome, but so many are not like this.  My MIL called shortly after my first child was born and asked me, "And how is MY baby?"  I was like, "Um...he's at work.  Oh, did you mean MY baby?  He's napping right now."  I can't stand it when grandparents act like it's their child--nope, you had yours and you either have a good relationship with them or you don't, and chances are you had a lot of influence on whether you do or don't.

Ha- that made me laugh out loud.

Shinplaster, you're awesome.

   
Oh, I'm not perfect - I'm sure there have been a few rolled eyes along the way.  I look at what my MIL does, and then don't do that.  : )    It helps that I like as well as love the man my son has become, and love the woman he chose to marry.  My parents set a great example - DH always says they are the best in-laws ever.  I have examples of both roads, and choose to take the one that makes us all happy.
When life shuts a door, open it again. It's a door.  That's how they work.

wenchsenior

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1290
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2842 on: April 28, 2017, 08:13:23 AM »
Wow, the portion of the thread dealing with grandparents reacting to babies (or dealing with visitors when you have new babies in general) is like reading about an alien ritual.  Very interesting, since I have had virtually no contact with babies or even anyone having any since I was ....maybe 10 or 11? (can't remember).  I always thought the taking care of the baby part would be exhausting, but I never even considered the added element of the family/social stuff! 

marielle

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 24
  • Location: South Carolina
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2843 on: April 28, 2017, 11:31:20 AM »
Just saw this article pop up and laughed immediately...

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/04/27/most-wish-theyd-listened-to-mom-and-dad-about-money.html

Basically, millennials wish they listened to their parents and saved more money.

If we listened to my boyfriend's parents we would save LESS and be working until our 50s at the minimum. His dad says that we should not "go backwards"...whatever that means. Because we're engineers we're supposed to live and act a certain way, drive certain cars, etc and not live like we're poor or eat "peasant" food like rice. I'm starting to think it's a social status thing and they're embarrassed by us around their rich friends and other family members.

On another note, his sister just bought a brand new Rav4 because she "wants to ride higher" and used to hit the curb leaving work with her Camry. Also, she needs reliability despite having the option of working from home (and she barely drives as it is). Also, reliability is important because she's a girl. What!? She said she would never buy a car private party, I immediately said I would never buy from a dealership!
She's going to have negative net worth well into her 30s now with the car and student loans. Did I mention it snows maybe once a year here?
« Last Edit: April 28, 2017, 11:33:13 AM by marielle »

ysette9

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1882
  • Location: Bay Area, CA
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2844 on: April 28, 2017, 11:51:02 AM »
Quote
Basically, millennials wish they listened to their parents and saved more money.

I guess it is hard to speak in generalities, but aren't the parents of Millennials the Boomers, who have a reputation for not having saved enough for retirement?

In my own family, my sister and I (old Millennials) oddly both ended up more frugal than our parents. Looking back on it, we got some good financial education from our mother, but I actually think I would be richer today if I hadn't gone along with some of the things she had advocated in the past.
"It'll be great!"

solon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1104
  • Age: 1817
  • Location: CO
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2845 on: April 28, 2017, 12:02:11 PM »
Millennials are no different than anybody else. ALL generations, since the beginning of time, wish they listened to their parents about some things.

Vindicated

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1135
  • Age: 33
  • Location: Indianapolis
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2846 on: April 28, 2017, 02:26:15 PM »
My MMM Journal: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/my-almost-perfect-life-experience/

"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. - Dalai Lama

Taran Wanderer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 479
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2847 on: April 29, 2017, 12:01:53 AM »
I read all these parent stories and am thankful for my parents and my in-laws. We live next door to one and a mile from the other. We drop in on them, they drop in on us. We cook then dinner, they cook us dinner. They watch our kids and dog, we watch their dog. We share the cat.

When our kids were born, they were there for us. After ours kids were born, they were there to support us. As they get older, we will be there to support them. They offer us advice when we ask, and occasionally, but rarely, when we don't. And usually the unsolicited advice is sound and well timed.

I truly don't know what we would do without them.
"Incidentally, ten years ago I thought I wanted a Mercedes. Now I just want a nap and a cup of coffee."
  - Kashmani in Defining 'Rich'

shelivesthedream

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2517
  • Location: London, UK
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2848 on: April 29, 2017, 04:23:00 AM »
Quote
Basically, millennials wish they listened to their parents and saved more money.

I guess it is hard to speak in generalities, but aren't the parents of Millennials the Boomers, who have a reputation for not having saved enough for retirement?

In my own family, my sister and I (old Millennials) oddly both ended up more frugal than our parents. Looking back on it, we got some good financial education from our mother, but I actually think I would be richer today if I hadn't gone along with some of the things she had advocated in the past.

Do as I say, not as I do. Everyone's a personal finance expert IN THEORY, just like every football fan is a genius football coach IN THEORY.

kayvent

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 588
  • Location: Canada
Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2849 on: April 29, 2017, 04:39:13 AM »
Quote
Basically, millennials wish they listened to their parents and saved more money.

I guess it is hard to speak in generalities, but aren't the parents of Millennials the Boomers, who have a reputation for not having saved enough for retirement?

In my own family, my sister and I (old Millennials) oddly both ended up more frugal than our parents. Looking back on it, we got some good financial education from our mother, but I actually think I would be richer today if I hadn't gone along with some of the things she had advocated in the past.

If a person who smokes tells me to not take up smoking because it is highly addictive, costs a fortune, and has severe medical downsides, I listen to them. That is not them being a hypocrite. That is them saying with firsthand experience the effects of what they are advocating against.

Millennials are people boom between 1980 to 2000. Baby Boomers 1943-1960, Gen X between 1960 to the 1980. Being born in 91, someone born in 1943 is a grandparent to me.