Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 780369 times)

MgoSam

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2750 on: March 27, 2017, 07:58:16 PM »
I'm glad in a way that my family doesn't really give gifts. On my birthday I get a call from my parents and siblings and that's about it!

Tasty Pinecones

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2751 on: March 28, 2017, 07:53:16 AM »
I'm just not a fan of cards. $3 or more per card. Some saccharin dripping message followed by a two sentence platitude from the sender.

Honestly - I'd much rather get a phone call or share a meal or hang out a little.

With my closest friends we pop off an email or text about this project or that experience and when there is a "thanks man, couldn't do it without you" tacked on the end - it means much more to me than anything Hallmark ever said.

My Mom and sister put SO much emphasis on those cards though. Its their relationship yardstick. They don't make time to just hang out but you better damn well send a card on every appropriate calendar date.

Vindicated

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2752 on: March 28, 2017, 08:03:01 AM »
I'm just not a fan of cards. $3 or more per card. Some saccharin dripping message followed by a two sentence platitude from the sender.

Honestly - I'd much rather get a phone call or share a meal or hang out a little.

With my closest friends we pop off an email or text about this project or that experience and when there is a "thanks man, couldn't do it without you" tacked on the end - it means much more to me than anything Hallmark ever said.

My Mom and sister put SO much emphasis on those cards though. Its their relationship yardstick. They don't make time to just hang out but you better damn well send a card on every appropriate calendar date.

+1000

I hate cards.  Greeting cards, Birthday cards, Valentines cards, Christmas cards, cards of all kinds.  We set them on the mantel, they collect dust, then we throw them away.  They provide nothing (unless there is a bit of green inside), but that's not necessary, of course.  I just feel bad throwing them away, but I don't want them cluttering up our living space.

I've even begun telling my parents to stop giving my Son cards for EVERY HOLIDAY.  It's absurd.  He's received three identical Valentine's cards.  Two from my parents (one each of the past two years), and one from my MIL.  THE SAME EXACT CARD.  He doesn't even know what they are.  He's a 2 y/o.  Just throw that $3 into his 529.  He'll love you just as much whether you give him a card or not.

If you have to do it, at least take the time to write something nice and meaningful inside.  When we sent Thank You cards after our wedding, we spent the time to write a few paragraphs in each card to show that we put effort into them.  We received a lot of comments/texts that the guests really enjoyed our notes.  I hope they threw them away afterwards though.
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rockstache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2753 on: March 28, 2017, 09:34:18 AM »

If you have to do it, at least take the time to write something nice and meaningful inside.  When we sent Thank You cards after our wedding, we spent the time to write a few paragraphs in each card to show that we put effort into them.  We received a lot of comments/texts that the guests really enjoyed our notes.  I hope they threw them away afterwards though.

I like cards, but I buy them at the dollar store (2/$1) or in packs, and always write sentimental notes, or use them as paper for a regular correspondence. I don't care if people throw them away once they read them - they're just paper. I get rid of most of the ones I receive but sometimes I will keep the ones with a really heartfelt note.

ETA: I should have noted, I send them for birthdays or random occasions. I do not give Christmas cards, or other holiday obligated cards. I just do it when I feel like reaching out and letting someone know I'm thinking of them.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 10:17:40 AM by rockstache »

Cookie78

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2754 on: March 28, 2017, 09:39:36 AM »
I'm just not a fan of cards. $3 or more per card. Some saccharin dripping message followed by a two sentence platitude from the sender.

Honestly - I'd much rather get a phone call or share a meal or hang out a little.

With my closest friends we pop off an email or text about this project or that experience and when there is a "thanks man, couldn't do it without you" tacked on the end - it means much more to me than anything Hallmark ever said.

My Mom and sister put SO much emphasis on those cards though. Its their relationship yardstick. They don't make time to just hang out but you better damn well send a card on every appropriate calendar date.

+1000

I hate cards.  Greeting cards, Birthday cards, Valentines cards, Christmas cards, cards of all kinds.  We set them on the mantel, they collect dust, then we throw them away.  They provide nothing (unless there is a bit of green inside), but that's not necessary, of course.  I just feel bad throwing them away, but I don't want them cluttering up our living space.

I've even begun telling my parents to stop giving my Son cards for EVERY HOLIDAY.  It's absurd.  He's received three identical Valentine's cards.  Two from my parents (one each of the past two years), and one from my MIL.  THE SAME EXACT CARD.  He doesn't even know what they are.  He's a 2 y/o.  Just throw that $3 into his 529.  He'll love you just as much whether you give him a card or not.

If you have to do it, at least take the time to write something nice and meaningful inside.  When we sent Thank You cards after our wedding, we spent the time to write a few paragraphs in each card to show that we put effort into them.  We received a lot of comments/texts that the guests really enjoyed our notes.  I hope they threw them away afterwards though.

I also hate cards. Every now and then I'll make homemade ones if I need to, but I refuse to buy them!!

I did get one random congratulations card from a friend (for my FIRE plans) and that was meaningful, but I think only because it was thoughtful and random, not for a usual card giving holiday.

AlanStache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2755 on: March 28, 2017, 11:01:02 AM »
I got a "thinking of you" gift from a relative in the mail yesterday.  They are older, have minimal savings and have deeply subsidized rent.  The gift was a bag of special moldable sand.  Someone with little savings bought me a bag of sand.  I totally love the thought but really what the F- do I do with a 1lb bag of sand?  In future I think I will try to bring up in conversation that I would like gift cards to restaurants or some such rather than these little things.
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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2756 on: March 28, 2017, 11:19:49 AM »
I got a "thinking of you" gift from a relative in the mail yesterday.  They are older, have minimal savings and have deeply subsidized rent.  The gift was a bag of special moldable sand.  Someone with little savings bought me a bag of sand.  I totally love the thought but really what the F- do I do with a 1lb bag of sand?  In future I think I will try to bring up in conversation that I would like gift cards to restaurants or some such rather than these little things.
Go pound sand?
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Linda_Norway

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2757 on: March 28, 2017, 11:39:05 AM »
I got a "thinking of you" gift from a relative in the mail yesterday.  They are older, have minimal savings and have deeply subsidized rent.  The gift was a bag of special moldable sand.  Someone with little savings bought me a bag of sand.  I totally love the thought but really what the F- do I do with a 1lb bag of sand?  In future I think I will try to bring up in conversation that I would like gift cards to restaurants or some such rather than these little things.

I once gave such a bag of sand to my 5 year old nephew to play with. Maybe you could do the same?
« Last Edit: March 30, 2017, 12:48:54 AM by Linda_Norway »

andreamac

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2758 on: March 29, 2017, 06:03:33 PM »
So I have two sisters, both decided to go buy brand RVs/Dodge RAMs new at the same time a few years ago since they have small children and wanted to do camping. They are not financially well off and I'm pretty sure they both had line of credits to begin with and up to debt to their eyeballs. So the next year one sister had a bigger RV than the other so of course the other sister had to trade in a one year old RV and buy a bigger one... OMG... So we did tent camping with them at a few parks which was still expensive to me since they were children centric places ($60 a night for tent camping). We are expecting and plan to spend one weekend with them, this year at a hotel since we have points and want A/C for a 2 month old :) Going forward we may rent a cottage at the same place they camp one weekend a summer that isn't cheap but much more cheaper than a RV/huge ass truck! When little one get a little older, I'm sure we will be back to tent camping!

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2759 on: March 29, 2017, 09:13:16 PM »
The gift was a bag of special moldable sand.  Someone with little savings bought me a bag of sand.  I totally love the thought but really what the F- do I do with a 1lb bag of sand?  In future I think I will try to bring up in conversation that I would like gift cards to restaurants or some such rather than these little things.

Depending on the type of sand, I would use it to make molds to cast molten bronze or silver into.

ambimammular

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2760 on: March 30, 2017, 09:23:17 PM »
So I have two sisters, both decided to go buy brand RVs/Dodge RAMs new at the same time a few years ago since they have small children and wanted to do camping. They are not financially well off and I'm pretty sure they both had line of credits to begin with and up to debt to their eyeballs. So the next year one sister had a bigger RV than the other so of course the other sister had to trade in a one year old RV and buy a bigger one... OMG... So we did tent camping with them at a few parks which was still expensive to me since they were children centric places ($60 a night for tent camping). We are expecting and plan to spend one weekend with them, this year at a hotel since we have points and want A/C for a 2 month old :) Going forward we may rent a cottage at the same place they camp one weekend a summer that isn't cheap but much more cheaper than a RV/huge ass truck! When little one get a little older, I'm sure we will be back to tent camping!

Our extended family (both sides, lord help em) is always trying to get us to borrow the camper for a weekend. I think they realize that the thing is spending most of its time parked in the side yard, and they're trying to justify owning it.

Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2761 on: March 30, 2017, 10:04:25 PM »
So I have two sisters, both decided to go buy brand RVs/Dodge RAMs new at the same time a few years ago since they have small children and wanted to do camping. They are not financially well off and I'm pretty sure they both had line of credits to begin with and up to debt to their eyeballs. So the next year one sister had a bigger RV than the other so of course the other sister had to trade in a one year old RV and buy a bigger one... OMG... So we did tent camping with them at a few parks which was still expensive to me since they were children centric places ($60 a night for tent camping). We are expecting and plan to spend one weekend with them, this year at a hotel since we have points and want A/C for a 2 month old :) Going forward we may rent a cottage at the same place they camp one weekend a summer that isn't cheap but much more cheaper than a RV/huge ass truck! When little one get a little older, I'm sure we will be back to tent camping!

Our extended family (both sides, lord help em) is always trying to get us to borrow the camper for a weekend. I think they realize that the thing is spending most of its time parked in the side yard, and they're trying to justify owning it.

We used to get the same thing about using the in-laws cabin.   It wasn't in an area we would normally take short vacations in, and after trying it once, I realized that one full day of house work + cooking and dishes for my family all weekend + half day travel each way did not make for a nice 4 day weekend.  at all.

paddedhat

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2762 on: March 31, 2017, 06:16:46 AM »
So I have two sisters, both decided to go buy brand RVs/Dodge RAMs new at the same time a few years ago since they have small children and wanted to do camping. They are not financially well off and I'm pretty sure they both had line of credits to begin with and up to debt to their eyeballs. So the next year one sister had a bigger RV than the other so of course the other sister had to trade in a one year old RV and buy a bigger one... OMG... So we did tent camping with them at a few parks which was still expensive to me since they were children centric places ($60 a night for tent camping). We are expecting and plan to spend one weekend with them, this year at a hotel since we have points and want A/C for a 2 month old :) Going forward we may rent a cottage at the same place they camp one weekend a summer that isn't cheap but much more cheaper than a RV/huge ass truck! When little one get a little older, I'm sure we will be back to tent camping!

We are heading toward the end of our second decade of serious RVing, as in four road trips to AK. from PA. and spending at least 50-60% of the last three years living out of our motorhome.  One huge change in that time is the current prevalence of younger couples who have simply lost their minds when it comes to rational decision making. It's nothing to go to a large campground, on a holiday weekend, and see dozens of young families with new $50-70K four door pickups and new $30-40K travel trailers. WTF?  The truck will be worth 1/3 of that when it's seven years old, the trailer will be lucky to bring a 1/4. They end up using the truck as one of their commuter vehicles,  with 15 MPG economy, $250 tires, and a $7-800 monthly payment. The trailer MIGHT get used 6-7 times a summer. A huge percentage of these fools then have to pay $100+ a month to store the trailer away from home since they either do not have the room, or the local HOA and municipal rules prevent it. I'm sure that for many, this stupidity costs $10K+ a year in depreciation alone.

Oddly enough we recently stumbled into a group that had booked dozens of campsites at a rural state park. They were all of from the same church and each had a large family, typically at least five kids. Without exception they all drove large vans with seating for the whole clan. Many of the vans were purchased used from a dealer who specializes in these things. As for RVs, many had older pop-up style camping trailers, and others had tents. Not a single stupid Brodozer $70K truck, or  gaudy $40K travel trailer in the pack. Oddly enough, everybody looked like they were having a great time.

iris lily

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2763 on: March 31, 2017, 07:32:51 AM »
I'm just not a fan of cards. $3 or more per card. Some saccharin dripping message followed by a two sentence platitude from the sender.

Honestly - I'd much rather get a phone call or share a meal or hang out a little.

With my closest friends we pop off an email or text about this project or that experience and when there is a "thanks man, couldn't do it without you" tacked on the end - it means much more to me than anything Hallmark ever said.

My Mom and sister put SO much emphasis on those cards though. Its their relationship yardstick. They don't make time to just hang out but you better damn well send a card on every appropriate calendar date.

Yes to this. Cards, ugh. Unless they are made by a tiny human, then I like them.  Kid cards are nice.

Well, actually, my sister in law makes some lovely cards that I enjoy receiving.she does not write anything inside so that the the card can be re-used. This is a win-win, I get a card to use in the future where I will write my own sentiment and I don't have to read some treacle-y thing from a Hallmark hack.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2017, 07:35:42 AM by iris lily »

Tasty Pinecones

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2764 on: March 31, 2017, 12:01:33 PM »
Oh absolutely - if the card was handmade then some real thought and time went into it. If a child was involved then yeah - absolutely good stuff.

Sometimes a store bought card will feel like a handshake instead of a hug. Maybe we're doing it wrong. ;)
« Last Edit: March 31, 2017, 12:10:53 PM by Tasty Pinecones »

Vindicated

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2765 on: March 31, 2017, 12:12:03 PM »
Sometimes a store bought card will feel like a handshake instead of a hug. Maybe we're doing it wrong. ;)

+1  Great quote
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andreamac

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2766 on: April 01, 2017, 12:01:26 PM »
So I have two sisters, both decided to go buy brand RVs/Dodge RAMs new at the same time a few years ago since they have small children and wanted to do camping. They are not financially well off and I'm pretty sure they both had line of credits to begin with and up to debt to their eyeballs. So the next year one sister had a bigger RV than the other so of course the other sister had to trade in a one year old RV and buy a bigger one... OMG... So we did tent camping with them at a few parks which was still expensive to me since they were children centric places ($60 a night for tent camping). We are expecting and plan to spend one weekend with them, this year at a hotel since we have points and want A/C for a 2 month old :) Going forward we may rent a cottage at the same place they camp one weekend a summer that isn't cheap but much more cheaper than a RV/huge ass truck! When little one get a little older, I'm sure we will be back to tent camping!



We are heading toward the end of our second decade of serious RVing, as in four road trips to AK. from PA. and spending at least 50-60% of the last three years living out of our motorhome.  One huge change in that time is the current prevalence of younger couples who have simply lost their minds when it comes to rational decision making. It's nothing to go to a large campground, on a holiday weekend, and see dozens of young families with new $50-70K four door pickups and new $30-40K travel trailers. WTF?  The truck will be worth 1/3 of that when it's seven years old, the trailer will be lucky to bring a 1/4. They end up using the truck as one of their commuter vehicles,  with 15 MPG economy, $250 tires, and a $7-800 monthly payment. The trailer MIGHT get used 6-7 times a summer. A huge percentage of these fools then have to pay $100+ a month to store the trailer away from home since they either do not have the room, or the local HOA and municipal rules prevent it. I'm sure that for many, this stupidity costs $10K+ a year in depreciation alone.

Oddly enough we recently stumbled into a group that had booked dozens of campsites at a rural state park. They were all of from the same church and each had a large family, typically at least five kids. Without exception they all drove large vans with seating for the whole clan. Many of the vans were purchased used from a dealer who specializes in these things. As for RVs, many had older pop-up style camping trailers, and others had tents. Not a single stupid Brodozer $70K truck, or  gaudy $40K travel trailer in the pack. Oddly enough, everybody looked like they were having a great time.

So true! We live in Canada and RV season is about 4 months at most. Both my sisters have to store their RVs since they can't park them at their houses. Its such a waste of money. I would prefer to rent a large cottage once a season to spend extended family time together like we used to do which was much more reasonable and fun! Totally makes sense when you are spending more than half your time in an RV.

Maverick44

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2767 on: April 07, 2017, 11:07:38 AM »
My apologies for the long post. I'm here to rant about my brother and possibly get some advice:

I love him dearly and he has a great personality, BUT he is the kind of guy who could trip and fall into a pile of money so he never feels the consequences of the stupid choices that he makes.  A little background on him.  When he was in highschool (ref: he just turned 29), he was caught doing drugs and skipping school.  My mom worked with the teachers and principal to get him to do extra work and some community service so he could still graduate (for skipping, not because he had bad grades). He then gets into college and fails out due to drinking/drugs/never going to class, but since the loan taken out for the entire $45K school year was in my father's name and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's, it was forgiven after several years where my parents made the payments.  They also paid the $5K in taxes that were due for this 'income' of having the loan forgiven. My parents couldn't really afford this because of previously mentioned diagnosis as my dad was the main bread winner and my parents had/have bad spending habits of their own.

He stayed at home and worked on and off until he decided to join the military (His GF forced him to clean himself up thankfully).  Shortly before he went into service, he got a DUI, but the judge let him off with a few hours of community service and expunged it from his record so that he could still go into the military.  He earned an associates in Chinese and worked as a cryptolinguist in the Air force for 4 years. 

Everything seemed to be going well until his enlistment is up and he decided not to continue in the A.F..  He got a contracting job doing something similar to what he was doing previously; making ~$70K.  Well... new job meant that he had to get a new(financed) SUV, right? After less than a year he decided that he didn't like the new job as much and quits with ZERO plan. Luckily he had saved up some $ and was able to live for 9 months on his savings until he hit the bottom of that mid last year (He was not working AT ALL and said he was looking for 'any' job, but that they just weren't there). Since he blew through his savings, he has been driving for uber to get by and also using my mom as his personal bank.  He has "borrowed" over $12K from her and continues to ask her for money... He says he will pay her back, but no one believes this will actually happen.

This infuriates me to no end. My parents are NOT in a good financial state.  My father's current medical expenses are more than my mom makes. Luckily she has state funding for this until he turn 65... Next year. I have been trying to get her to save for this and make a plan, but it's hard when my brother keeps using my mom to pay his (and his GF's) rent!!

Meanwhile, I am getting married this August and my mom broke down to me and cried that she wants to be able to give me something for my wedding, but that my brother has taken all of her $.  I don't even want her to pay for anything for the wedding. I just want her to save her damned $, but I feel bad that she can't do what she wants with her own money due to his selfish/lazy attitude. Her friends and I have finally convinced her to cut him off.  It has been about 2 weeks so we will see if he is actually having the reality check that he needs.

I have tried having talks with him about this in the past, but he always shuts down and then won't talk to me for months on end. He does this with everyone.  I am thinking of going down there (he is about 5 hrs away) and staying for a weekend so that he will have to speak to me about this. (Although, honestly it will take a lot for me to hold back from just face punching him because he is smarter than all of this b.s. or at least he should be) Thoughts? Advice?

merula

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2768 on: April 07, 2017, 11:18:44 AM »
My apologies for the long post. I'm here to rant about my brother and possibly get some advice:

[story about a horrible leech of a brother]

I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. The only advice I have is to remember that you can only control your own actions. You can't force your brother to be anything other than the slimy leech devoid of all humanity that he currently is. You can't force your mom to treat him like a leech rather than a needy son.

If your mom is truly on board with treating him like the leech he is, you can help her with that. You can help her write up an agreement for how your brother will pay her back. (It may not ever change anything, but it'd probably help her feel better and help with the next step.) You can help her rewrite their will so that your brother's debts to your parents are taken into account if the worst were to happen. You can also see if you can get some sort of custodianship over your father's finances and care if anything were to happen to your mom. I'm sure neither of you wants to see your vulnerable dad manipulated by the leech if your mom weren't there to stand in his way.

former player

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2769 on: April 07, 2017, 11:23:32 AM »
Your mum has a husband with Alzheimer's and a son who is a mooch: you and she need to support each other.  If you can, give her the support she needs to keep your brother cut off from her money.  This should be doable: her priority for the rest of your father's life needs to be the health and care support he needs.

I'm not sure you need to go down there to talk to your brother at the moment: what is there to say now he's been cut off?  Perhaps if he starts trying to bully your mother over money you need to go down there?  But see whether being cut off "takes" first.

Your brother has obviously got brains and seems to have done OK in the military: being cut off may be the incentive he needs to make a go of something else now.

I'm sorry you have a hard row to hoe.  I hope your fiancé is being supportive and that you have a great wedding.
Be frugal and industrious, and you will be free (Ben Franklin)

onehair

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2770 on: April 14, 2017, 10:54:13 AM »
Under the Utter Gall file: My aunt had the nerve to contact my mother and ask for financial help.  My mom turned her down flat and stated that due to her behavior and mistreating my mom and late grandmom she no longer considers herself to have a brother and sister and hung up.

Goldielocks

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2771 on: April 14, 2017, 05:36:38 PM »
Onehair - your posts are so often like inverse cliff hangers, so I have pulled a relevant quote from earlier, that frames some of the background.  I hope you don't mind...


Latest update on my awful aunt and uncle:

My mom went over to Grandma's house to discuss for the umpteenth time my aunt and uncle taking over the house so my mom can stop paying the bills.  My uncle who was evicted has not surprisingly been staying with my aunt in the house.  I don't know how long he has been there.  During my mother's visit he didn't even condescend to come out of his room.

My aunt peppered my mom with useless questions and claims of her ongoing sickness and anemia which is why she cannot get even a part time job.  My uncle isn't working either and if he has any income I am not aware of it.  My mom suggested she surrender her storage unit and reduce her cable choices to free up money this was met with more yet more excuses and blank stares. 

My mom is finally fed up and has decided to go see a lawyer on April 1st to see about selling the house.  She is past exasperated with them.

And a more recent update from this year 2017:

Quote from: onehair
An update on my awful aunt and uncle: As you all know my mom has officially cut economic support to my aunt and uncle.  Now they've taken to calling her from odd numbers and Skypeing which she refuses to answer.  According to her they may have sent someone to the house to intimidate her into helping them financially again. So now they're using a sister of my deceased grandfather(known as GrandAunt D*** to us) to call her continually under the pretext of asking about her health and my nephew of course along the course of the conversation it turns to her helping my aunt and uncle out.  Now my mom is refusing to take the grandaunt's calls as well.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2772 on: April 14, 2017, 07:01:43 PM »
In-laws stayed with us for a week and spent a couple of days with BIL (the one with the spa).

Boy, did they come back with a bitchfest. BIL's situation is worse than I thought.

He LEASES his cool, twin door, stainless steel fridge with water dispenser. I have a 20 year old white fridge with cracked plastic shelves.

His car (which he uses for work) is on the point of being repossessed with people knocking on their door. Even DH disagrees with this type of situation his brother has gotten himself into. His partner's car (the Craptiva) is up for sale. What is worse is his parents gave him money which they thought would pay his divorce from his ex of 5 years. The money went into his car's tyres and rims. They are not planning to bail him out again. Their son ain't going to be divorcing and he's milking the situation fwiw.

Xmas is going to be interesting, we are supposed to have a get together at our beach shack but we are not expecting BIL to turn up. His parents are sick of his immaturity (he's 42) and said if he doesn't turn up we'll have a good Xmas without his associated issues (bitching about custody, ex etc). Even his father is chiding his son about what a mess he has made of his life, and he's making pointed remarks to DH to not be like him ie all wants, and not needs. I mentioned about the expensive bike DH paid and FIL said, did he pay $100 for it to sell to DH for a mark up?

For once, I am not the lone voice in the wilderness. His parents can't figure out whether BIL is doing this to show it off to them the big success he is or he is afraid of losing it or like a peacock this is to keep his current mate? The spa was a birthday present for his mate.

He earns 6 figures so to ask his parents for money (who live in a rural area and earning $20/hour at most) is pretty tragic. Pathetic really.

Gone_Hiking

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2773 on: April 16, 2017, 05:24:57 PM »
My MIL wants a vacation.

As in, my DH and I will organize it, finance it, and she will come along.  Afterwards, she will criticize the choice of vacation rental.

MIL is retired and widowed now, living on the Atlantic coast and, thanks to a track record of bad planning and bad luck going all the way to 1970s, still paying mortgage on her house, bought 50 years ago.  She can't afford to live alone - her sister, who thankfully has sizable retirement investments, moved in a few years ago, after her own husband died.  We also send her a few hundred dollars every month and buy two round-trip tickets for her to visit us every year.

Now she wants to go to Grand Canyon.  And walk on that glass bridge over the canyon.  The thing is, I went through a layoff a few months ago, found a new job quickly, but with a sizable pay cut - and now, a vacation with MIL is simply not in the budget.  MIL doesn't seem to get it - why would anyone want to be able to retire before 60?  What will you do, she asks.


Linda_Norway

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2774 on: April 17, 2017, 12:33:37 AM »
As mentioned in the investor's forum, my FIL thinks that banks can do a much better job at investingthan a normal person could do. Even if the bank is also investing into index funds.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2775 on: April 17, 2017, 09:25:17 AM »
My MIL wants a vacation.

As in, my DH and I will organize it, finance it, and she will come along.  Afterwards, she will criticize the choice of vacation rental.

MIL is retired and widowed now, living on the Atlantic coast and, thanks to a track record of bad planning and bad luck going all the way to 1970s, still paying mortgage on her house, bought 50 years ago.  She can't afford to live alone - her sister, who thankfully has sizable retirement investments, moved in a few years ago, after her own husband died.  We also send her a few hundred dollars every month and buy two round-trip tickets for her to visit us every year.

Now she wants to go to Grand Canyon.  And walk on that glass bridge over the canyon.  The thing is, I went through a layoff a few months ago, found a new job quickly, but with a sizable pay cut - and now, a vacation with MIL is simply not in the budget.  MIL doesn't seem to get it - why would anyone want to be able to retire before 60?  What will you do, she asks.


Tell her you'll take her to the Grand Canyon when you retire--if it is in the budget.

onehair

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2776 on: April 17, 2017, 11:36:31 AM »
I don't mind Goldielocks.  I still can't believe that pair still expects my mom to pay the bills for them.  Turns out the water was cut off at the house and they wanted my mom to to pay it to get it turned back on.  My aunt has allegedly applied for Social Security but since she lies I will believe when I see a statement with her name on it. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2777 on: April 17, 2017, 02:06:56 PM »
My MIL wants a vacation.

As in, my DH and I will organize it, finance it, and she will come along.  Afterwards, she will criticize the choice of vacation rental.

MIL is retired and widowed now, living on the Atlantic coast and, thanks to a track record of bad planning and bad luck going all the way to 1970s, still paying mortgage on her house, bought 50 years ago.  She can't afford to live alone - her sister, who thankfully has sizable retirement investments, moved in a few years ago, after her own husband died.  We also send her a few hundred dollars every month and buy two round-trip tickets for her to visit us every year.

Now she wants to go to Grand Canyon.  And walk on that glass bridge over the canyon.  The thing is, I went through a layoff a few months ago, found a new job quickly, but with a sizable pay cut - and now, a vacation with MIL is simply not in the budget.  MIL doesn't seem to get it - why would anyone want to be able to retire before 60?  What will you do, she asks.


Tell her you'll take her to the Grand Canyon when you retire--if it is in the budget.
Ha, I love it!

Tasty Pinecones

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2778 on: April 17, 2017, 03:22:51 PM »
I don't mind Goldielocks.  I still can't believe that pair still expects my mom to pay the bills for them.  Turns out the water was cut off at the house and they wanted my mom to to pay it to get it turned back on.  My aunt has allegedly applied for Social Security but since she lies I will believe when I see a statement with her name on it.

How do you live there without water and flush? Shouldn't that be motivation enough to pay your own water bill regularly?

Cookie78

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2779 on: April 17, 2017, 04:06:26 PM »
I don't mind Goldielocks.  I still can't believe that pair still expects my mom to pay the bills for them.  Turns out the water was cut off at the house and they wanted my mom to to pay it to get it turned back on.  My aunt has allegedly applied for Social Security but since she lies I will believe when I see a statement with her name on it.

How do you live there without water and flush? Shouldn't that be motivation enough to pay your own water bill regularly?

Not really if you expect mom will pay for it!

Gone_Hiking

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2780 on: April 17, 2017, 10:33:18 PM »
My MIL wants a vacation.

As in, my DH and I will organize it, finance it, and she will come along.  Afterwards, she will criticize the choice of vacation rental.

MIL is retired and widowed now, living on the Atlantic coast and, thanks to a track record of bad planning and bad luck going all the way to 1970s, still paying mortgage on her house, bought 50 years ago.  She can't afford to live alone - her sister, who thankfully has sizable retirement investments, moved in a few years ago, after her own husband died.  We also send her a few hundred dollars every month and buy two round-trip tickets for her to visit us every year.

Now she wants to go to Grand Canyon.  And walk on that glass bridge over the canyon.  The thing is, I went through a layoff a few months ago, found a new job quickly, but with a sizable pay cut - and now, a vacation with MIL is simply not in the budget.  MIL doesn't seem to get it - why would anyone want to be able to retire before 60?  What will you do, she asks.


Tell her you'll take her to the Grand Canyon when you retire--if it is in the budget.
Ha, I love it!

You've done it!  Now I'm getting ideas.

onehair

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2781 on: April 18, 2017, 08:45:12 AM »
I forgot to ask my mom whose name is the house considered in since Grandma didn't leave a will.  She was PR for the estate but I am not sure under District of Columbia law who is liable for it.  I suggested she check because the house could be considered uninhabitable with no water and she still might be on the hook for the bill.  I hope not because if they're forced to leave they might try to stay with her.

Shalamar

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2782 on: April 22, 2017, 12:41:07 PM »
Quote
We used to get the same thing about using the in-laws cabin.   It wasn't in an area we would normally take short vacations in, and after trying it once, I realized that one full day of house work + cooking and dishes for my family all weekend + half day travel each way did not make for a nice 4 day weekend.  at all.

I could have written this entire post.   My in laws own a cabin that's a four-hour drive from our house.  It has indoor plumbing now, but back when my husband and I were first married, it didn't.   The nearest bathroom was about a five-minute walk away, which wasn't fun in the middle of the night.    The area the cabin is in is beautiful, but when it rains, there's almost literally nothing to do.   I finally put my foot down after a few years of that and refused to go anymore.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2783 on: April 22, 2017, 01:38:42 PM »
I forgot to ask my mom whose name is the house considered in since Grandma didn't leave a will.  She was PR for the estate but I am not sure under District of Columbia law who is liable for it.  I suggested she check because the house could be considered uninhabitable with no water and she still might be on the hook for the bill.  I hope not because if they're forced to leave they might try to stay with her.

I'll grant there's no end of stupid laws in this country, but if the house is FULLY CAPABLE of providing water, and it doesn't have water service simply because the tenant does not pay their water bill, I would be very surprised that the landlord would be in trouble over that.

iowajes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2784 on: April 25, 2017, 12:18:41 PM »
 For some reason we are having to entertain all the people who are coming to see our baby. This involves my husband cooking elaborate meals, what he normally does anyway, but now for more people, every night. Our grocery bill will be huge.

My dad also had his birthday while he was here so we had to take him out to dinner. In the name of fairness, which I don't really understand because it wasn't their birthday, we took my husband's get made out to dinner as well. (Up, we just had a baby- why are we hosting other people's vacations?)

 We decided to go to HuHot which is a Mongolian BBQ buffet sorta place. They have appetizers there but I've never seen anyone order them because you're at an all-you-can-eat restaurant why would you also order an appetizer. Well I found out the kind of person who orders one- my mother-in-law wanted crab rangoons. she decided this after I had already told the waitress we didn't need any appetizers (because I guess we're at an all-you-can-eat buffet) so called her back to order them.

 Well not only that she order the crab rangoons, she orders the seven piece crab rangoons (and only ate 2!) which cost the same amount as a buffet lunch. My husband was running late to meet us for lunch since he came from work ( because lunch is cheaper than dinner, so we went then) When he got there and he looks at me and says we ordered an appetizer? But this is a buffet? His mom looks at him and says we're not really eating them as an appetizer though, we're eating them with the buffet. She clearly missed the point of why we questioned it entirely. DH even said the appetizers are a trick to make you take less from the buffet. She just said again "but I had them with my meal, not as an appetizer"

Yes this is why y'all are not very good with money: it doesn't matter when you're eating them the point is that they cost the same amount as the meal. Obviously we didn't say anything else after that of course, they also ordered sodas (which is fine, I won't nickel and dime that). We are very different people.

One more rant: not only will she not drink our softened and purified water and I had to buy bottled water for her (individual bottles, not gallons!) She was using bottled water to boil for tea! Our water is not bad, but boiling bottled water is ridiculous.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2785 on: April 25, 2017, 12:28:26 PM »
For some reason we are having to entertain all the people who are coming to see our baby. This involves my husband cooking elaborate meals, what he normally does anyway, but now for more people, every night. Our grocery bill will be huge.

My dad also had his birthday while he was here so we had to take him out to dinner. In the name of fairness, which I don't really understand because it wasn't their birthday, we took my husband's get made out to dinner as well. (Up, we just had a baby- why are we hosting other people's vacations?)

 We decided to go to HuHot which is a Mongolian BBQ buffet sorta place. They have appetizers there but I've never seen anyone order them because you're at an all-you-can-eat restaurant why would you also order an appetizer. Well I found out the kind of person who orders one- my mother-in-law wanted crab rangoons. she decided this after I had already told the waitress we didn't need any appetizers (because I guess we're at an all-you-can-eat buffet) so called her back to order them.

 Well not only that she order the crab rangoons, she orders the seven piece crab rangoons (and only ate 2!) which cost the same amount as a buffet lunch. My husband was running late to meet us for lunch since he came from work ( because lunch is cheaper than dinner, so we went then) When he got there and he looks at me and says we ordered an appetizer? But this is a buffet? His mom looks at him and says we're not really eating them as an appetizer though, we're eating them with the buffet. She clearly missed the point of why we questioned it entirely. DH even said the appetizers are a trick to make you take less from the buffet. She just said again "but I had them with my meal, not as an appetizer"

Yes this is why y'all are not very good with money: it doesn't matter when you're eating them the point is that they cost the same amount as the meal. Obviously we didn't say anything else after that of course, they also ordered sodas (which is fine, I won't nickel and dime that). We are very different people.

One more rant: not only will she not drink our softened and purified water and I had to buy bottled water for her (individual bottles, not gallons!) She was using bottled water to boil for tea! Our water is not bad, but boiling bottled water is ridiculous.

Why would you guys go to the lengths you're going to? I can't imagine buying bottled water for guests because they don't like the water if I find it drinkable; we do it only because we don't have enough cups for people. I can understand gallons with super sulfury water, but bottled?

To make you laugh on the tea thing though, my little brother will make coffee with bottled (gallon) water, but drinks well water. But then he is a coffee snob who manages a coffee shop.




Reynold

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2786 on: April 25, 2017, 12:52:34 PM »
This is everything I hate about gift giving.

I thought I had finally convinced the spouse's family to go with consumables if they feel like they have to give something (chocolate, wine, etc. - can always use that!) but alas, it didn't stick.

My DW is normally pretty frugal, and very on board with saving, but does have a tendency to want to get nice, thoughtful, appropriate, fair (everyone's must be similar value!) gifts for everyone.  With a sister, father and mother that was; birthday, birthday, birthday, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Father's day, Mother's day, Anniversary, so 9 gifts/year, not counting multiples for Christmas.  Of course she would expect me to have ideas for each of these, but after a few years it starts getting pretty hard to think of something new and thoughtful for someone in their 80s who has had a lifetime to accumulate what they want.  The sister lived a fairly minimalist lifestyle stuff-wise, except for a few pricy toys and trips, and had rather specific tastes, so also hard to shop for. 

On the bright side, I did convince DW to stop exchanging gifts with friends for birthdays and Christmas, because she would have to harass them to get lists of what they would like, and then she got stuff from them we didn't want, because they ignored our lists.  She did reserve the right to buy "random" gifts for them if she saw something they would really like, though. . . :)

DTaggart

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2787 on: April 25, 2017, 01:01:02 PM »
I've mentioned my FIL in various threads before, but in summary he is an 83 year old debt addict who has managed to get himself financially cut-off from all family members throughout his lifetime. Last year he asked hubby and I to loan him $5k to help him pay down his high interest credit cards and P2P debt consolidation loans. We said no to that but attempted to help him cut back on some of his expenses (including TWO very expensive life insurance policies with a combined payout of only a couple thousand dollars). When he refused to make enough cutbacks to be able to afford his debt payments and living expenses on his $32k/year fixed income (which is coincidentally about what hubby and I spend each year), he then asked us to take out a home equity loan for $15k and give him the money, and he'd pay us back at $200/month. He was gravely offended when we said no because he thought we didn't trust him to pay us back. Dude, you're 83... even if you had impeccable financial management skills, the odds of you living long enough to pay us back are SLIM. Bankruptcy was not an option because not enough time had elapsed since his last bankruptcy.

Once we and his daughter both decided there would be no more financial handouts, he miraculously solved his own problem and found a debt relief agency that would work with the P2P lending places (he had previously said he couldn't find anyone that would do that), and also finally decided to start selling off some of the many antiques he has hoarded over his lifetime through an auction agency (previously he refused to sell anything at less than "book" value). So over the past few months he's been able to get caught up on bills and have a little extra money.

But he managed to get suckered in by some fraudsters who were debiting money from his account for a couple of months before he got it straightened out and got a new bank account (basically he signed up for a "free sample" and they enrolled him in some subscription service and charging his account every month). During that time his account had been overdrawn and he was freaking out over not having any money. Once that had been resolved he said to my husband that he now understood why he should have a separate savings account at a different bank and would get that set up once he got his tax refund and sold some more auction stuff.

So we just got back from a long weekend visit (thank you Chase Sapphire Reserve bonus). He was very excited to show us the new flat screen TV he'd bought with his tax refund so he could move the old flat screen TV into the bedroom to replace the old crappy TV in there. We also learned both his microwave and his oven are broken, so he complains about having to use his toaster oven which takes 45 minutes to heat up his frozen dinners. There don't seem to be any plans for fixing those. And of course there's no savings account yet.

Hubby found out from his sister that FIL was rather miffed that we chose to stay at a hotel this visit rather than stay with him. When we planned the trip in January, FIL was making all kinds of comments about how he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to stay in his condo because of his financial issues, and we were sending him grocery store gift cards to make sure he was eating. Somehow, imposing on him to put us up didn't seem appropriate, so that's why we chose a hotel. We didn't want him to feel bad, so we told him it was paid for with points/part of a package deal/basically free, but he apparently preferred to be offended.

Frankly, it's a good thing we did get the hotel because now that he has so much extra money to piss away, FIL has decided he should re-take up smoking his pipe (he had quit years ago after his bypass surgery). And since old people are apparently incapable of opening a window, the entire house is a smoky, haze-filled allergy trigger. We were only over there for a couple of hours at a stretch and every time left with burning eyes and throats and major congestion. Sleeping there would have been impossible. Shockingly, FIL has developed a rather nasty cough and chronic sniffles. He kept complaining about his allergies. Um, dude, maybe you're allergic to smoke??

iowajes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2788 on: April 25, 2017, 01:16:51 PM »
Mtn I think we're doing this because we are freaking pushovers. I also think there's some level of my husband wanting it to be quote Fair between my parents and his parents.

The difference is that my parents are basically bogleheads and his are broke. My parents drove up so they went grocery shopping and stocked our pantry for us. they also went to Costco and refilled my husband's wine cabinet for him (though a good portion of that disappeared during the visit). I know the reason my husband is cooking is because he doesn't like people in his kitchen and since my mother destroyed a cabinet by not realizing screws were scraping on the facing, I can understand him not wanting anyone in there.

But I figured there would be a bit more one meal and eating leftovers then there has been. Of course I put the leftovers in the freezer and will eat them later. Still it's almost been more stressful having people here to quote help, because we've been entertaining. I know I'm ranting on my visitors, but really that story was more about who the f orders as an appetizer at a buffet.

I don't think access to their grand daughter should be predicated on money, but I also know keeping my parents happy is an investment in her college fund. So it's important to play their game...they are really generous but need us to contribute in turn. It's not dime for dime, but if they stock the pantry, we make the meals. If they take us out to a steakhouse, we pay for a fast casual, etc.

So I think DH really feels like we should do similar things for his parents, except instead it was just entertaining house guests. Although this visit his Mom did vacuum once.

tyrannostache

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2789 on: April 25, 2017, 01:28:22 PM »
Ugh, iowajes, I'm sorry you're dealing with guests who need to be entertained while you have a newborn. Our firm rule is that until we are ready (which is a bare minimum of 6 weeks, or until we say otherwise), the only guests are those whose presence is truly helpful. That means that high-maintenance houseguests like my father and FIL are not welcome to stay in our house. They could visit and stay in a hotel, but I'm certainly not hosting or entertaining them. As far as I'm concerned, in the first couple of months postpartum, there is no "fair" except for what helps parents and baby rest and recover.

mtn

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2790 on: April 25, 2017, 01:46:08 PM »
For all my complaints about my parents, when we come to that stage (babies! Yay!) my mom can clean the kitchen faster than anyone I know, and dad, although he doesn't help with chores much, is very good at using his wallet to make problems go away. And won't let us pay for things. And neither of them complain about anything not being good enough for them (and they're Bogleheadish, so good things there)

My inlaws--well, my MIL is chronically ill and will not be any help for the baby, and will tell us we need to buy things... then likely buy them for the kid anyways. So that is good. And my FIL helps out a LOT--weather grocery shopping or taking the garbage out, whatever little things he can do.

I guess we're pretty lucky on that front. But my MIL would never be caught dead in a buffet.

marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2791 on: April 25, 2017, 02:05:29 PM »
Future parents in law judge me and the boyfriend for our lifestyle choices.

They often say nasty comments like, "You guys live like porpers." They judge me for living with a roommate because I'm "not in college anymore". They judge him for renting a room for $400 a month in a nice house (a much nicer place than he would ever be able to rent in the area) when he's only there half the week for work and at my place the rest of the time. They also judge us for still buying rice in bulk (25-50 lb bags) because apparently it's poor people food. I mean...we're vegan...and we like rice...what else are we supposed to eat? I live in the highest level of luxury I ever have and eat the best food I ever have considering I grew up in a single wide trailer eating frozen crap food, and some of the college apartments I lived in were really sketchy. I feel like I have the ultimate luxury, but they feel like we're sacrificing and depriving ourselves.

They made nasty comments about how he bought a "beater" which was a 2012 Scion xD bought for $7500 cash last year. It was less than half the worth of the 2014 Focus ST he sold but will probably last longer. The Focus was already having weird issues and recalls, and apparently is coming up with poor reliability ratings online. The Scion was in nearly new condition, almost perfect paint. Also, both of these cars were "too small and impractical", can't wait to see their reaction when my next car is a 2-seater.

I'm sure they judge me for driving a 2003 150k mile car, but I'll laugh them straight to the bank considering they still haven't retired in their mid 50s despite all the money they've been making. FMIL said she would be "comfortable" on 90k a year in retirement and that $50k a year is INSANE, though I'm sure they're aiming for more than $90k with all the ridiculous cars they drive (a Lexus SUV and a Yukon SUV right now despite only the father working the past 15+ years). They're going to have 3 different properties to live in during retirement, one of which is a beach house.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2017, 02:13:23 PM by marielle »

iowajes

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2792 on: April 25, 2017, 02:10:04 PM »
"is very good at using his wallet to make problems go away. "


My Mom has told me she would clean while she was here. She hired a cleaning crew to come twice.


I told my parents to wait two weeks, but they ignored me, coming the day before her birth (they respected the "stay the hell out of L&D"). Those first two weeks were so hard, and having people here made it harder. My in laws visit, at 3 weeks, was a much easier time, I was just standard annoyed at them, not a hormonal in pain mess.

gaja

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2793 on: April 25, 2017, 02:18:28 PM »
Mtn I think we're doing this because we are freaking pushovers. I also think there's some level of my husband wanting it to be quote Fair between my parents and his parents.

The difference is that my parents are basically bogleheads and his are broke. My parents drove up so they went grocery shopping and stocked our pantry for us. they also went to Costco and refilled my husband's wine cabinet for him (though a good portion of that disappeared during the visit). I know the reason my husband is cooking is because he doesn't like people in his kitchen and since my mother destroyed a cabinet by not realizing screws were scraping on the facing, I can understand him not wanting anyone in there.

But I figured there would be a bit more one meal and eating leftovers then there has been. Of course I put the leftovers in the freezer and will eat them later. Still it's almost been more stressful having people here to quote help, because we've been entertaining. I know I'm ranting on my visitors, but really that story was more about who the f orders as an appetizer at a buffet.

I don't think access to their grand daughter should be predicated on money, but I also know keeping my parents happy is an investment in her college fund. So it's important to play their game...they are really generous but need us to contribute in turn. It's not dime for dime, but if they stock the pantry, we make the meals. If they take us out to a steakhouse, we pay for a fast casual, etc.

So I think DH really feels like we should do similar things for his parents, except instead it was just entertaining house guests. Although this visit his Mom did vacuum once.

Ugh, iowajes, I'm sorry you're dealing with guests who need to be entertained while you have a newborn. Our firm rule is that until we are ready (which is a bare minimum of 6 weeks, or until we say otherwise), the only guests are those whose presence is truly helpful. That means that high-maintenance houseguests like my father and FIL are not welcome to stay in our house. They could visit and stay in a hotel, but I'm certainly not hosting or entertaining them. As far as I'm concerned, in the first couple of months postpartum, there is no "fair" except for what helps parents and baby rest and recover.

Iowajes: please listen to tyrannostache! Babies are hard work the first weeks and months, and unless you really feel people are helping, they are stealing time and energy that you need to bond with and take care of your baby. You will have 30+ years to cater to the parents. Your DH needs to understand that the only persons he needs to treat fairly right now is you and your baby.

Most of our visitors behaved well when we had a newborn. The strangest experience we had was with MIL and SIL, who had brought lunch for themselves, went into the kitchen and got two plates, and then sat there and ate their lunch. After finishing their meal, they joined the kids, DH and me in the living room. The rest of the visit was ok, with gifts for the baby and little big sister, except that I was a bit dumbfounded after the strange start. DH claims they just didn't want to cause us any trouble, but I still think it was weird.
Travelling southern Norway, Iceland and the Faroes in an electric car: http://travelelectric.blogspot.no/

RFAAOATB

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2794 on: April 25, 2017, 04:16:17 PM »
I live in the highest level of luxury I ever have and eat the best food I ever have considering I grew up in a single wide trailer eating frozen crap food, and some of the college apartments I lived in were really sketchy. I feel like I have the ultimate luxury, but they feel like we're sacrificing and depriving ourselves.

Are these upper middle class people?  Was his childhood home closer to ghetto or McMansion?  Think about it from their perspective.  Their son took up with a girl that grew up in a trailer?  Lets hope we can bring her up to some respectable standard of living.

Cookie78

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2795 on: April 25, 2017, 04:20:38 PM »
I live in the highest level of luxury I ever have and eat the best food I ever have considering I grew up in a single wide trailer eating frozen crap food, and some of the college apartments I lived in were really sketchy. I feel like I have the ultimate luxury, but they feel like we're sacrificing and depriving ourselves.

Are these upper middle class people?  Was his childhood home closer to ghetto or McMansion?  Think about it from their perspective.  Their son took up with a girl that grew up in a trailer?  Lets hope we can bring her up to some respectable standard of living.

Yes, because continuous judging and nasty comments will 'bring her up to some respectable standard of living'. Disgusting behavior.

marielle

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2796 on: April 25, 2017, 04:55:34 PM »
I live in the highest level of luxury I ever have and eat the best food I ever have considering I grew up in a single wide trailer eating frozen crap food, and some of the college apartments I lived in were really sketchy. I feel like I have the ultimate luxury, but they feel like we're sacrificing and depriving ourselves.

Are these upper middle class people?  Was his childhood home closer to ghetto or McMansion?  Think about it from their perspective.  Their son took up with a girl that grew up in a trailer?  Lets hope we can bring her up to some respectable standard of living.

Yes, because continuous judging and nasty comments will 'bring her up to some respectable standard of living'. Disgusting behavior.

They are upper middle class but consider themselves middle class (of course). I honestly don't even know if they knew how I grew up. I wasn't exactly poor when I was in middle/high school I just lived in a very rural area, we didn't go out to eat at fancy restaurants, and my mom never cooked. I still had a car and some help with living expenses in college so definitely not "poor". I think they assume we're sacrificing a lot because we don't have car loans, don't eat out everyday or go to bars, and don't pay a third of our income for housing so that we can live without roommates. You know, things that the typical mid 20s person does. Abnormal to them means something is wrong. My boyfriend was never very materialistic anyway (so I may have had some influence but not all), he hated that they lived in very large houses and did not want a brand new car at 16. He didn't ask for money in college (while his sister did constantly) so they think something is wrong with him/us.

LeRainDrop

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2797 on: April 25, 2017, 08:00:51 PM »
For some reason we are having to entertain all the people who are coming to see our baby. This involves my husband cooking elaborate meals, what he normally does anyway, but now for more people, every night. Our grocery bill will be huge.

I don't understand this.  When my friends have babies, I offer to make them dinner and drop it off at their home for them to consume.  I don't eat their food, and I don't have them cook for or entertain me.  Am I doing this backwards?  ;-)

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2798 on: April 25, 2017, 09:18:00 PM »
I think, when it comes to pain in the ass parents, that it's really important that your spouse knows they are first and foremost on your list of priorities.  It's also equally important for the parents to know that.

Setting boundaries is part of that process.   Make that "Setting AND Maintaining".

Gone_Hiking

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #2799 on: April 25, 2017, 09:21:11 PM »

They are upper middle class but consider themselves middle class (of course). I honestly don't even know if they knew how I grew up. I wasn't exactly poor when I was in middle/high school I just lived in a very rural area, we didn't go out to eat at fancy restaurants, and my mom never cooked. I still had a car and some help with living expenses in college so definitely not "poor". I think they assume we're sacrificing a lot because we don't have car loans, don't eat out everyday or go to bars, and don't pay a third of our income for housing so that we can live without roommates. You know, things that the typical mid 20s person does. Abnormal to them means something is wrong. My boyfriend was never very materialistic anyway (so I may have had some influence but not all), he hated that they lived in very large houses and did not want a brand new car at 16. He didn't ask for money in college (while his sister did constantly) so they think something is wrong with him/us.

I'm sorry to hear it's happening to you.  Perhaps they feel that buying a used car is below them and they feel bad that the next generation does it?  But then again, you and your partner are adults - and your lifestyle shouldn't really be their problem.