Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 1436059 times)

Slee_stack

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4800 on: August 13, 2018, 09:16:14 AM »
DH and  I have a birthday lunch each year with his sister and her son b/c all 4 of our birthdays are the same month.  We only see the nephew a couple of times a year, some years only once.

A little background:  In the past nephew has been a jeans, tee shirt and tats kinda guy.  A couple of years ago he bought   leased a car so he could make money doing Uber.  That worked as well as you would expect.  Earlier this year he got a steady job.  Not high paying but 40 hours a week with health insurance at a company you've actually have heard of.  Things are looking up.  Now...

He comes in the restaurant dressed  like a rapper (or at least what my 65 y.o. eyes think a rapper looks like):  oversized football jersey, baggy, long shorts, lots of jewelry (cheap in his case), baseball hat with a flat brim, shaved head etc.  He's all about his music and how his music career is taking off.  Showed us how he can "play" guitar on his iphone X.  How he's playing in the barrio and is "the only white boy who dares go there".  How all the girls on his instagram post bikini pics.  He uses cool filters (available only on iphone X) to take pics of him getting out the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist.  How he's going to start a charity for poor single mothers which sounds like a great way to meet vunerable young women.

Typical not-got-their-act-together 20-something behavior you say?  Maybe he'll outgrow it and get his act together.? Yea, maybe.  Except he's 49.  How long until he gives up the steady job so he can devote more time to his music is anybody's guess.
Sounds like nephew has nailed the aspiring part of the 'aspiring rapper' phrase that seems to pop up so often.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4801 on: August 13, 2018, 06:57:04 PM »
One of the big barriers to getting DH to save was a similar problem. As a young boy his Aunt took him to open a savings account, into which he deposited money from various little jobs. After his parents (primarily his mother) found out about it she had him withdraw everything he had saved to "loan" them money to pay bills, (never repaid of course) and thereafter would regularly request for teenage DH to pay some of the household bills. He also had to pay for his own high school education (he lived in a country where education was free until about grade 6). Took some convincing to help him see that his mother had no business knowing the details of our finances, and to only tell her what he was willing to share (disclosure of income without accompanying disclosure of matching expenses is met with requests for $ for "needs" such as vacations to the beach, nice dinner out, etc). They have no real idea how much we make or save. He has managed to maintain a somewhat healthy relationship by telling them he would send x amount of money a month, and that's it.
@87tweetybirds ,


I disagree.  You've managed to maintain an appeasement relationship by doing this.   It's not healthy, far from it.

Have to agree. He's effectively exchanged monthly payments for peace and harmony. OK, that might be worth it to you guys. Only you can judge that. I'd be well down the path to 'fuck off', myself.


Wonder how many people will get this reference?



zolotiyeruki

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4802 on: August 14, 2018, 05:57:34 AM »
Peace for our time, eh?

craiglepaige

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4803 on: August 14, 2018, 08:04:32 AM »
One of the big barriers to getting DH to save was a similar problem. As a young boy his Aunt took him to open a savings account, into which he deposited money from various little jobs. After his parents (primarily his mother) found out about it she had him withdraw everything he had saved to "loan" them money to pay bills, (never repaid of course) and thereafter would regularly request for teenage DH to pay some of the household bills. He also had to pay for his own high school education (he lived in a country where education was free until about grade 6). Took some convincing to help him see that his mother had no business knowing the details of our finances, and to only tell her what he was willing to share (disclosure of income without accompanying disclosure of matching expenses is met with requests for $ for "needs" such as vacations to the beach, nice dinner out, etc). They have no real idea how much we make or save. He has managed to maintain a somewhat healthy relationship by telling them he would send x amount of money a month, and that's it.
@87tweetybirds ,


I disagree.  You've managed to maintain an appeasement relationship by doing this.   It's not healthy, far from it.

Have to agree. He's effectively exchanged monthly payments for peace and harmony. OK, that might be worth it to you guys. Only you can judge that. I'd be well down the path to 'fuck off', myself.


If the only way to have a relationship with my mother is to give her money so she doesn't harass me, that's not a relationship I want to maintain.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4804 on: August 14, 2018, 01:32:01 PM »
One of the big barriers to getting DH to save was a similar problem. As a young boy his Aunt took him to open a savings account, into which he deposited money from various little jobs. After his parents (primarily his mother) found out about it she had him withdraw everything he had saved to "loan" them money to pay bills, (never repaid of course) and thereafter would regularly request for teenage DH to pay some of the household bills. He also had to pay for his own high school education (he lived in a country where education was free until about grade 6). Took some convincing to help him see that his mother had no business knowing the details of our finances, and to only tell her what he was willing to share (disclosure of income without accompanying disclosure of matching expenses is met with requests for $ for "needs" such as vacations to the beach, nice dinner out, etc). They have no real idea how much we make or save. He has managed to maintain a somewhat healthy relationship by telling them he would send x amount of money a month, and that's it.
@87tweetybirds ,


I disagree.  You've managed to maintain an appeasement relationship by doing this.   It's not healthy, far from it.

Have to agree. He's effectively exchanged monthly payments for peace and harmony. OK, that might be worth it to you guys. Only you can judge that. I'd be well down the path to 'fuck off', myself.


If the only way to have a relationship with my mother is to give her money so she doesn't harass me, that's not a relationship I want to maintain.

I read "healthy" as in "healthy for him". He feels like he's supporting her but it's a fixed amount each month so he can budget for it and not stress about endless random requests for money. He doesn't want to have zero relationship with her, so this is a way he can have boundaries that are manageable and enforceable but not have to stress too much about it.

a286

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4805 on: August 16, 2018, 07:15:57 PM »
In February my wife and I got denied for our first mortgage. A decade ago, my mother took out three credit cards in my name, to 'pad my credit score'.
I found out in the meeting with the loan agent that my mother took those cards, maxed out their balances, then quit making payments on them.
By May I had payed off the cards, which took quite a bit of life efficiency and putting off other investments.
In the time since February my mother has asked me for a loan four times.

So...your mother committed identity theft...and you paid the bills to cover up for her? Wow...

In the kind of family where a parent feels entitled to steal from a son or daughter, there's generally a whole lot of toxic programming that starts at birth. One person-- let's call him or her the Emperor-- is entitled to do whatever he or she wants to the designated target-- let's call him or her the Peasant. The Peasant's job is to work hard, not complain, serve the Emperor, and make sure to always forgive the Emperor no matter what.

The kind of extreme entitlement that leads to stealing from a relative *always* has a basis in fact. Someone, somewhere, teaches the thief that it's OK to do such things and that not only will there never be any negative consequences, but the theft is right and appropriate. For the victim to object or to seek legal redress is in fact wrong and inappropriate according to family rules. There are often people besides the Emperor or the Peasant who reinforce the family rules to keep the Peasants in line.

Oh yes, I grew up with a parent who did this.  I started working at 15 because I was on my own for school lunch, clothes, etc.  I had to open a joint checking account with my mom because I was a minor.  She regularly dipped into this account without telling me.  When I found out, she told me that this was money I "owed" her (presumably for the food and shelter she was legally obliged to provide).  By the way, she was the one who verbally abused me until I got the job.  It all fell into place why: she saw me as an extra income source to fuel her atrocious financial habits.  I started cashing my checks and hiding the money in increasingly obscure places because she would tear through my room when I wasn't home.
Grims example is spot on for me. And yours. Also verbally abused here. Honestly surprised my dad did not dip into my savings account after I got my first job, but he could have before then or during my freshman year of college and I wouldn't have known. All I knew is I put $2k in graduation gifts in there on top of some money from my high school job and withdrew occasionally from an atm on campus... towards the end of spring semester sophomore year I was a little short on living expenses from my job the previous summer, so I asked my dad to send some money (this is what the extra from the PLUS loans was for, supposedly, see below). When I got home that summer I open the first statement from the savings account and it had..  $81.

The straw that broke the camel's back:
My dad always volun-told me that I would be supporting him in his old age, and giving him a job running the office of my vet clinic (I applied, didn't get in, and now mainly thank my lucky stars for that because that is some crazy debt for an over saturated field...). I was always like, haha, good joke... as this was in high school and college, but he always had a serious note to it...

Then I found out that when my parents took out PLUS loans when I went to college, he took the max amount every year (only needed maybe half) and he told me I owed him the $100k in PLUS loans, though he couldn't show where the other $50k he didn't need to take out went.

I think I dodged a major bullet not getting into vet school...

LaineyAZ

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4806 on: Today at 04:34:27 PM »
Not my relative, but heard this story from a friend this week about her brother:

There was a hail storm that caused damage to her brother's roof and house siding.  Fortunately his insurer agreed to cover it to the tune of $15,000.  But, brother was upset that his mortgage company insisted on his using it to actually repair the house.  He told my friend that he'd wanted to pocket the money and just ignore the damage (!) 

(as much as we like to rag on insurance companies, they must get a little crazy with insureds like this who see any incident as an easy way to riches...)

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #4807 on: Today at 04:41:23 PM »
Not my relative, but heard this story from a friend this week about her brother:

There was a hail storm that caused damage to her brother's roof and house siding.  Fortunately his insurer agreed to cover it to the tune of $15,000.  But, brother was upset that his mortgage company insisted on his using it to actually repair the house.  He told my friend that he'd wanted to pocket the money and just ignore the damage (!) 

(as much as we like to rag on insurance companies, they must get a little crazy with insureds like this who see any incident as an easy way to riches...)


If he has a mortgage on it, then the insurer is spot on right to require the repairs be made.   They are providing insurance both to the homeowner and to the mortgage owner.    Ditto with a car.


If there is no loan on the property, and the repairs are cosmetic (i.e., not leading to additional damage or liability), I doubt the insurer would require the repairs to be made.   

They certainly didn't when we had both our cars totaled by cosmetic hail damage!   ($10,000 richer!)   But they also wouldn't pay for additional body damage unless we proved the repairs had been done...