Author Topic: Jack and Jill parties - or, help fund my wedding even though you aren't invited  (Read 9456 times)

RetiredAt63

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DD was telling me about several of their engaged friends who have had these parties as fund-raisers for the fancy weddings they can't afford.  Typical fundraiser parties - silent auctions, contests, drink tickets. But not for a charity, but to help pay for a wedding.  DD and her boyfriend go because ti is a chance to see friends that is more fun (and no more expensive) than going to a bar, but their comment was "If they can't afford a fancy wedding without the fundraising, they shouldn't have such a fancy wedding."  Oh, and they haven't been invited to the weddings.  So I guess they are considered good enough friends to invite to a wedding fundraiser, but not the wedding they helped pay for.

So proud of DD and her SO, but not impressed with the fund-raising.

Are these common? 

nnls

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I thought this was to kinda replace bucks/hens nights (bachelorette parties ect)

So it was just a combo of that as opposed to a fundraising event. Though the only one I have been to didnt have silent auctions or anything like that, everyone chipped in but that money went towards drinks and things the same as having to pay for drinks/entertainment at a hens night

RetiredAt63

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Changes in geography (same name, different activity)?  They would be fine if it were replacing the stag/hen party, but it isn't.  It is a straight-out fund-raiser.  The other parties also happen.

LeRainDrop

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What?!?!  That is absurd.  I've been to engagement parties that are just normal parties -- some guests bring a card or whatnot, but there's no "gift-opening" time during the party.  I've also been to bachelorette parties that are just the girls out having fun and the guests take turns buying everyone drinks or food.  I've never been to one of these that is a wedding fundraiser, like a silent auction or drink tickets.  It seems that etiquette has been lost on those couples.

ETA:  I have had friends who instead of or in addition to a standard wedding registry, have a honeymoon/experience type registry, e.g., buy them one night in the honeymoon suite, a couples massage, a swim with the dolphins, a fancy dinner.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2016, 06:22:59 PM by LeRainDrop »

nnls

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Changes in geography (same name, different activity)?  They would be fine if it were replacing the stag/hen party, but it isn't.  It is a straight-out fund-raiser.  The other parties also happen.

yes the ones I have been to just straight out replaced the stag/hens do and any money was to cover costs of activities / drinks (ie we all paid for own meal/drinks plus a little extra to cover bride and groom) but no one made a profit or used it as fundraising and no gifts were expected.

Though in saying that I dont know if its just my circle of friends or Australia in general but we dont seem to have as many pre wedding events as the USA. We just have engagement party, buck/hens night and then wedding. And no gifts are usually given for a bucks/hens do. We dont have bridal showers and rehearsal dinners ect

KMMK

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Yes, "socials" - very common and expected in Manitoba. When I moved there from Alberta I had no idea what they were talking about. I was quickly educated. Not my thing but a decent party if you like them. Sometimes the prizes are decent.

Syonyk

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I've never heard the term "buck/hens party."

I assume the US is "Bachelor/bachelorette party."

My wife & I were weird.  We had ours, combined, at an old amusement park - everyone there for the wedding was invited (including parents and small children), everyone had a blast, nobody woke up with a hangover from hell.

Metric Mouse

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Won't ever have a wedding to fundraise for, but I'm still feeding and clothing my child with supplies from the baby kegger we hosted. Similar cry for money, in exchange for home-brewed beer and whisky and themed games of chance.

kina

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From my limited knowledge, Jack and Jills are common in Canada, not in the States.

But it probably won't be too long before it catches on here as well.

gardeningandgreen

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Won't ever have a wedding to fundraise for, but I'm still feeding and clothing my child with supplies from the baby kegger we hosted. Similar cry for money, in exchange for home-brewed beer and whisky and themed games of chance.

This is the best idea yet for a baby shower! If we ever have kids we plan on adopting so I would even get to participate!

Goldielocks

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Yes, "socials" - very common and expected in Manitoba. When I moved there from Alberta I had no idea what they were talking about. I was quickly educated. Not my thing but a decent party if you like them. Sometimes the prizes are decent.

+ 1

Manitoba socials were awesome back in the day.   Out and out fundraiser -- one week it would be the girls soccer team that would book the venue and host the fundraiser, then next week it would be someone looking to make money to fund their wedding.   You would buy cover tickets from "a friend of a friend" and show up... like a loosely regulated nightclub, really, with drinks (cash bar), dancing and affordable fun all around.

I left Manitoba in the 80's, so I can't say what has happened on the scene since then, but I do remember 18+ y.o's typically attending one or two of these socials a month, with a small group of friends,  for their OWN entertainment.!  (18 being the age limit for alcohol)


Metric Mouse

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Won't ever have a wedding to fundraise for, but I'm still feeding and clothing my child with supplies from the baby kegger we hosted. Similar cry for money, in exchange for home-brewed beer and whisky and themed games of chance.

This is the best idea yet for a baby shower! If we ever have kids we plan on adopting so I would even get to participate!

It was really a blast. I would highly recommend it!

gimp

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the fuck is this

calimom

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What?!?!  That is absurd.  I've been to engagement parties that are just normal parties -- some guests bring a card or whatnot, but there's no "gift-opening" time during the party.  I've also been to bachelorette parties that are just the girls out having fun and the guests take turns buying everyone drinks or food.  I've never been to one of these that is a wedding fundraiser, like a silent auction or drink tickets.  It seems that etiquette has been lost on those couples.

ETA:  I have had friends who instead of or in addition to a standard wedding registry, have a honeymoon/experience type registry, e.g., buy them one night in the honeymoon suite, a couples massage, a swim with the dolphins, a fancy dinner.

I don't think I could:

a: pay for friends to swim with dolphins for friends' honeymoon

b: have friends who think swimming with dolphins is an acceptable activity

Guses

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Wait a minute. Is the expectation that people invited to these parties will contribute to the fundraiser AND give a wedding gift AND not attend the wedding?



I don't think I could:

a: pay for friends to swim with dolphins for friends' honeymoon

b: have friends who think swimming with dolphins is an acceptable activity

Typical xenophobe hating on non-humans again. We're all mammals you know!


KMMK

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Wait a minute. Is the expectation that people invited to these parties will contribute to the fundraiser AND give a wedding gift AND not attend the wedding?



I don't think I could:

a: pay for friends to swim with dolphins for friends' honeymoon

b: have friends who think swimming with dolphins is an acceptable activity

Typical xenophobe hating on non-humans again. We're all mammals you know!

Just attend the fundraiser (and bring friends) if they desire. These same people may or may not be invited to the wedding. If not invited to the wedding then no wedding gift expected. (That's my limited knowledge anyhow.) The fundraiser is similar to a night out at a bar, so if you were going to do that anyhow it can make sense.

Guses

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Just attend the fundraiser (and bring friends) if they desire. These same people may or may not be invited to the wedding. If not invited to the wedding then no wedding gift expected. (That's my limited knowledge anyhow.) The fundraiser is similar to a night out at a bar, so if you were going to do that anyhow it can make sense.

Oh, that sounds nice actually. At least it's better than doing crowdfunding .

Papa Mustache

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I think I would enjoy the night out more than the wedding... ;)

KMMK

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I think I would enjoy the night out more than the wedding... ;)

I believe that's the general consensus. =)
Unless you really like weddings or dressing up, attending someone's wedding is mostly boring or annoying IMO.

RetiredAt63

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DD's take on it (my source) is that it is a fun evening out with friends but expensive.  Still better than going out to a bar (for the fun, not the cost).  Some disdain was expressed that said friends needed to raise money this way, they should be saving up for the wedding they want or have a less expensive wedding.  My mustachian DD, so proud.

Part of the disconnect may be cultural, she grew up in small towns associated with a big city (Montreal) whereas in the small towns here there are actually wedding receptions that are open (i.e. notice in the paper, cash bar, etc.) which I think happen sequentially to the private reception at the same place (not sure, never been to one). 

The Jack and Jill fund-raiser seems to be pretty standard where she is living now.  KMMK was right, there is no connect between the fund-raiser and the wedding.  Given the finances of DD and her SO, I am not sure they would want to be invited to both, a wedding present on top of $ spent at the Jack and Jill would totally wreck their budgets (given the number of friends doing this right now, the Jack and Jills are already straining their budgets, plus they have attended a few weddings for close friends so wedding related spending is taking a chunk right now for them).

Papa Mustache

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I go to the wedding and drop $XX or $XXX for a gift on a registry. Or - I go to the pub party long before the wedding and drop the same money there. Wouldn't likely attend both. Cost is the same to me.

Congrats and good luck to the bride and groom. ;)

I'm not going to either and drop any cash if I'm not fairly close friends i.e. I'm not simply a source of money for acquaintances.

clarkfan1979

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I was invited to an expensive bachelor party by the groom, but wasn't invited to the wedding. I think that was a little weird.

iris lily

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The Jack and Jill party as fundraiser seems to be exclusive to Canada. They talk about them on The Wedding Bee. Cant wait until that idea hits here, not.

Knitwit

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Hello! I'm from Manitoba, where this practice originated. This is called a social. I suppose it is kind of like a fundraiser for a wedding, but it's also a local tradition. Everybody has a social in advance of their wedding. This has been going on for generations. It's expected that if someone comes to your social, you go to theirs. Tickets are usually $10 and drinks are cheap - as low as they can legally be in the province. The people hosting the social provide a "late lunch" which usually happens around midnight, and consists of rye bread, cold cuts, garlic dill pickles, and mustard. There is also music and dancing - usually early in the night the DJ will play old-timey dancing music like polkas, then later on (once the "old people" leave) the top 40 starts. The ticket cost usually covers the host's costs (venue rental, late lunch, etc). There's usually a prize draw (aka a silent auction, though it's not really an auction at all) and that's where the money is typically made.

When I think of the amount of money I made at my wedding social compared to the amount of money I've spent attending other people's socials, I'd say it's a wash. However, it was nice to have some cash available to pay for my wedding. I think of it more like a distribution of wealth: you get it when you need it, with the expectation that you will re-distribute it later on when you are better off.

PharmaStache

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The late lunch is the only good part of a social, lol. 

I had this conversation with my friend's brother in my early 20s:
Him: Want to buy a ticket to my wedding social?  It's on X date.
Me: Sorry I'm busy that day (also thinking wtf…I really don't know you)
Him: You just have to buy a ticket, you don't need to come!
Me: *walks away uncomfortably* 

LeRainDrop

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Him: You just have to buy a ticket, you don't need to come!
Me: *walks away uncomfortably*

Hahaha!

Goldielocks

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I was invited to an expensive bachelor party by the groom, but wasn't invited to the wedding. I think that was a little weird.

Wait -- they made you pay?

Ah,,,   another trend from the USA -- hosting bachelor parties and making the guests pay.   Used to be the guest just paid for the hosts drinks or pitched in for entertainment, but significant expenses were spent according to the host's pocketbook as a gift.  (or kept affordable)

HappierAtHome

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I was invited to an expensive bachelor party by the groom, but wasn't invited to the wedding. I think that was a little weird.

This has just happened to me. Hen's party that costs $100 a head (which will definitely be the cost of what we're doing - I know the bride well enough to know there's no way she's trying to profit from this), not invited to the wedding.

TheGrimSqueaker

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I was invited to an expensive bachelor party by the groom, but wasn't invited to the wedding. I think that was a little weird.

This has just happened to me. Hen's party that costs $100 a head (which will definitely be the cost of what we're doing - I know the bride well enough to know there's no way she's trying to profit from this), not invited to the wedding.

In fairness, the people being asked to throw the shower or provide the bachelor/ette party don't always have access to the guest list and make assumptions based on mutual friends. I'm a big fan of sharing the guest list but in the wedding prep craziness I'm sure it doesn't always happen.

LeRainDrop

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About 10 years ago, I was invited to a friend's "bachelorette weekend," which was a 4-day/3-night cruise in the Bahamas.  It was pay-your-own-way to fly down to Miami and then go on the all-inclusive cruise, plus we followed this apparent expectation of taking turns buying a round of drinks for everyone else in the party.  I think there were like 12-15 of us total.  None of us were invited to the wedding except for the bride's sister.

In fairness, we all knew this deal going into it.  The bride's grandfather was extremely ill, and she had a very small, family-only ceremony in her grandparents' backyard.  The flight/cruise was quite expensive when you look at it in the light of celebrating one girl's upcoming nuptials, but it actually was very reasonably priced when you look at it as a really fun vacation with a bunch of awesome ladies.

This is the same bride and groom to whom I referred earlier in this thread:

I have had friends who instead of or in addition to a standard wedding registry, have a honeymoon/experience type registry, e.g., buy them one night in the honeymoon suite, a couples massage, a swim with the dolphins, a fancy dinner.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2016, 08:57:52 PM by LeRainDrop »

HappierAtHome

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I was invited to an expensive bachelor party by the groom, but wasn't invited to the wedding. I think that was a little weird.

This has just happened to me. Hen's party that costs $100 a head (which will definitely be the cost of what we're doing - I know the bride well enough to know there's no way she's trying to profit from this), not invited to the wedding.

In fairness, the people being asked to throw the shower or provide the bachelor/ette party don't always have access to the guest list and make assumptions based on mutual friends. I'm a big fan of sharing the guest list but in the wedding prep craziness I'm sure it doesn't always happen.

In this case I'm very sure that the bridesmaids had the guest list, but to be honest I don't really mind being invited to the Hen's and not the wedding ;-) weddings aren't really my style (I mostly find them boring) whereas this should be one heck of a party. My chances of actually interacting with the bride for more than five minutes are better at the Hen's than the wedding, and it's definitely cheaper than attending the wedding would be.

So it seems *weird* to me, but not *bad*.

Jouer

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Won't ever have a wedding to fundraise for, but I'm still feeding and clothing my child with supplies from the baby kegger we hosted. Similar cry for money, in exchange for home-brewed beer and whisky and themed games of chance.

This is the best idea yet for a baby shower! If we ever have kids we plan on adopting so I would even get to participate!

My friends and I host diaper parties for new dads. It's pretty simple:
  • Find out what brand/style diapers the new parents plan to use
  • invite all his buddies over to someone's house
  • tell them to bring a box of those diapers
  • tell them to bring whatever beer/whisky/rum they plan to drink, plus a little bit for the new dad
  • play poker, music, watch sports, etc.

It's a beautiful thing. New parents get helped out and dad gets one last night out with his buddies before sleepless nights come around the corner. Pretty cheap night for all involved and super fun. Should mention that this is fully organized by a friend, not the new parents. Traditionally this has been a way for a community to chip in to help the new parents.

The best we've done so far is 6 months worth of diapers for the new parents.

Papa Mustache

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Sounds like FUN!

Dicey

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DH and I eloped, because it was just easier. I never imagined that doing so made it a lot easier for everyone on our potential guest list as well.

Cassie

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I have never heard of this before. But being older I don't know many people getting married.

Goldielocks

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Has anyone heard of the bride and groom selling tickets to the main event itself?   

After posting on another thread, about gift registry attitudes, it got me to wonder -- why not go all the way and just ask guests to buy tickets, like $100 a head or whatever as the gift?  Is that the next logical step?   Would you reserve the first 100 tickets for important guests and then just sell then next 50 to whomever wants to join?

Metric Mouse

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Has anyone heard of the bride and groom selling tickets to the main event itself?   

After posting on another thread, about gift registry attitudes, it got me to wonder -- why not go all the way and just ask guests to buy tickets, like $100 a head or whatever as the gift?  Is that the next logical step?   Would you reserve the first 100 tickets for important guests and then just sell then next 50 to whomever wants to join?

I've never heard of this. I mean, basically this is what happens at say destination weddings though.