Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 846675 times)

chrisgermany

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1550 on: February 06, 2019, 10:42:04 PM »
+1
And try to get copies of your tax documents from the IRS,maybe through your lawyer. This information belongs to you, it will make your case complete.
And it might put enough pressure on your parents to avoid court.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 10:43:48 PM by chrisgermany »

dramathrowaway

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1551 on: February 06, 2019, 11:50:54 PM »

Nosy questions you don't have to answer: Is there anything weird in your birth story? Do you have siblings? Does she treat them the same way?
 
I hope you researched the shit out of that lawyer. You deserve everything they're going to get for you. BTW, contact the IRS and get copies of your tax returns asap. You dont need a lawyer to do that and I suspect there's some seriously incriminating evidence just waiting to be uncovered.

I'm an only child. I did used to wonder if I was really related to them, in part because they refused to give me my birth certificate/ssn (even to this day!) I did order myself new copies from the state about a year ago, though, and there were no irregularities. There could be something I'm missing, however my parents and I do bear a passing resemblance, even if we're nothing alike in temperament.

I did my own careful research on the relevant laws before I started calling lawyers, then used the local Bar Association's referral service, and then compared several lawyers (seeing if their responses to my questions were similar, etc) before finally deciding on my lawyer. I also relied on the advice of friends who knew/have experience with lawyers. The one I picked is no-nonsense, and a bit sharky. I figure if I'm doing this, I'd better win.

I didn't know I could get that information directly from the IRS, and now feel a bit foolish! It seems obvious in retrospect that they would send that to me. I was previously trying to get this information through the accountant that previously did my parents' (and my) taxes! He informed my parents, resulting in the aforementioned bullying. I will call first thing, tomorrow morning.

@SwordGuy I will probably never feel entirely good about this, but life will become much less stressful, once this is sorted. It's a matter of parts of me strongly agreeing with you, and other parts more sympathetic to them, disagreeing. I used to excuse far more of their behavior, telling myself that they grew up in abusive homes, themselves, and how they never learned any better. But. I mean. So did I. The longer I spend away from them, the more I see all the opportunities they had to change their behavior, and become better people. They chose to emulate their own abusers, even while acknowledging how painful their own experiences were, which leaves me intensely disappointed in them, as people. Overall, most of me thinks it'll be far healthier to have them out of my life, and I can only hope that I'm making the right decision, now.

This case looks like it's unlikely to end in prison, unless there are some previously-unknown IRS shenanigans.

@Goldielocks I have been considering all of these things, and will be regrouping and making FIRE/long-term career decisions, once I get over this hurdle. I will have to find people to ask who know more about the intersection between illustration and engineering.

@chrisgermany I'll see if I can get them on my own, first. I don't want to rack up a big bill, if it turns out there are no irregularities. Some of my mother's controlling behavior is simply the need for control, full stop. If I find anything strange in them, though, I'll send it straight to the lawyer.

UnleashHell

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1552 on: February 07, 2019, 04:05:46 AM »
I'd suggest you get all your tax returns from them too.
if it goes legal them its possible you could claim for money you lost due to lost funding for schools, refusal to invest and turn over the money. etc.etc.
your relationship may break over this. get everything out of the way now in one go.

if your mother has been abusive re money then have you though she might be doing the same to your grandparents? you might want to wrest control of that back too.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1553 on: February 07, 2019, 06:25:54 AM »
Or at least let your grandparents know what really happened with all the money they have given on your behalf.  Sounds like your mother scammed them too.

@Axecleaver, any suggestions here?

marion10

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1554 on: February 07, 2019, 06:31:01 AM »
I am so sorry. Get a lawyer and do it now. My father was trustee for me and my sisters for an inheritance and stole it all - gave me big guilt trips when I got a lawyer and then stole everything and skipped town. Did not hear from him for over 20 years and was surprised when his daughters wanted nothing to do with him.

PrairieBeardstache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1555 on: February 07, 2019, 06:43:12 AM »
Oh boy, a thread for me to vent on...

Here's my story (so far:)

...

It's not your fault and your mom is a selfish prick. Full stop.

Also, there are some of us that need to distance ourselves from our parents. It's not an easy decision. Most people won't understand or support you. There's more than enough evidence and papers to indicate that doing so is a healthy activity. Don't look back. March forward. Find what you need and go after it.

I wish you the best.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1556 on: February 07, 2019, 07:00:00 AM »
Quote
And I suppose I'm writing this all down, here, because I still feel like an entitled, lazy, and spoiled child for suing them, and it's mostly my fault I'm in this position, in the first place.

Oh, my dear, my heart breaks for the years of abuse that have you still feeling this way.

It is not entitled to want what was given to you, and to want to use it for its intended purpose.  Seeking justice is not entitlement.

It is not lazy to work to support yourself and to do so in the face of active interference obstacles. Doing something other than what your mother wants is not laziness.

It is not spoiled to be in a financial predicament due to medical issues, it is not spoiled to take steps to escape abuse, it is not spoiled to have recourse to professionals to help you to do so.

It is not your fault that your mother lied, cheated, abused, and manipulated you.  It is to your credit that you can see the lies, cheating, abuse, and manipulation, and that you are actively resisting and fighting against them.  Hang in there.

Along with a lawyer for the money, can you consult a therapist? In my area at least, there are free or sliding-scale clinics associated with universities or community centers or churches.

Good luck!  We're all rooting for you!

P.S.
https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f4506t.pdf for free transcripts of your tax returns (contains the line-by-line info)
https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f4506.pdf for actual copies, $50 each

radram

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1557 on: February 07, 2019, 08:03:56 AM »
P.S.
https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f4506t.pdf for free transcripts of your tax returns (contains the line-by-line info)
https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f4506.pdf for actual copies, $50 each


You can go here and either:
1. Set up an account and see your information TODAY.
2. Request that the documents me mailed to you in about 2 weeks.

https://www.irs.gov/individuals/get-transcript

I was unable to set up an account, so I just had them mail it to me. Very simple, very easy, very complete. Note that the information looks very different than the tax forms, but all the numbers are there if you look.

Please do this today, and send it directly to your lawyer when you get it. I am guessing your lawyer will give some sort of notification to your parents that they are not to file on your behalf anymore.

Have you been signing your returns? I would no longer sign them without having your lawyer look at them.

Please keep us posted.

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1558 on: February 07, 2019, 11:59:25 AM »
Go low contact or no contact with your parents. The mother for obvious reasons, your father b/c he tells your mother everything. Your grandfather or any other relative could potentially tell your mother anything you confide in them. I think you'll need to keep your financial strategies to yourself for here on out. Keep significant miles between yourself and your parents so they don't just drop in on you unexpectedly. Perhaps even keep your address private.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1559 on: February 08, 2019, 06:48:09 AM »
The reddit "Raised by Narcissists" will have a lot of good advice on how to escape and handle your parents.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1560 on: February 08, 2019, 07:42:35 AM »
@dramathrowaway, I came back to suggest you start your own thread so we can offer more support, and I see dear, wise lhamo has made the same suggestion. A journal provides a little more freedom and privacy than a general forum post, as it's less searchable.

While you're doing research, get a DNA test kit, just because it's a fun distraction, if nothing else. I wouldn't be surprised if your conception was somehow the crux of the issue. Was it a shotgun wedding? Was there manipulation by your father or her parents? Did you innocently interrupt some plans she had for her future? She very possibly behaves this way toward you because of deficiencies she feels in herself, but she'll never admit it. Don't waste your precious life energy on her, she's unlikely to ever change. Spend your spoons making your life the one you truly deserve. She simply can not and will not do that for you.

In my own life, I know my momma loved me (cue Paul Simon), but our relationship was the source of much heartache on both sides. In retrospect, she may have been jealous of me. I was more extroverted and willing to think for myself and make my own decisions. (Headstrong? Independent? Yes.) As I grew and made [good] choices that reflected who I was, her seething multiplied. Perhaps she resented my freedom. I always thought I'd feel guilty when she was gone. I am continually amazed to discover that what I feel is deep, abiding, abundant relief.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2019, 09:17:37 AM by Dicey »

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1561 on: February 08, 2019, 01:17:55 PM »
@dramathrowaway ,   

I'll be very blunt.  Instruct your lawyer to show no mercy.  Your mother deserves whatever the law tosses at her, including jail.
You have no reason to be nice.   Your own mother is stealing from you.   If you end up getting her put into jail for it, feel good about yourself.

I see no reason to deal with her ever again once you get your money.   If your dad participated or condoned the abuse, ditto for him.   

It's not your fault that your mother is scum.

And you sound pretty amazing.  Yeah, you.
+1 on this and what everyone else says. 

My heart breaks for you.  Can't be an engineer?  I'm 20+ years older than you and an engineer.  Still with the anti-gay stuff in this day and age?  My aunt (who is 60) is gay and I know SHE went through that at your age, but now?  It's terrible.


jengod

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1562 on: February 08, 2019, 07:44:48 PM »
Hello @dramathrowaway:

My husband shared this article with me the other day and now I share it with you. He was estranged from his parents for at least 10 years and he doesn't regret it. We do try to keep them connected to their grandkids, but it's still better for his mental health to separate.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/i-cut-off-all-contact-with-my-mother-it-made-my-life-much-better/2019/01/18/cc454e9e-1529-11e9-90a8-136fa44b80ba_story.html?utm_term=.074a2b7d96cb

Don't hesitate to sue your mother. She's clearly abusive across many dimensions, including financially. Get your money back and then just cut her out of your life. When you can afford therapy, please get it and take the years (decades?) necessary to put your experiences in proper context.

I think you're doing a great job with your life and cutting out this hostile energy will make it even better.

Here's an article on female narcissists (who may present a bit differently than male narcissists). See if anything matches:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/01/the-female-narcissist-is-just-as-dangerous-heres-why/

GOOD LUCK!

FIPurpose

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1563 on: February 09, 2019, 08:38:13 AM »
Oh boy, a thread for me to vent on...

Here's my story (so far:)

...

Everyone I've told this story to has strongly advised me to get a lawyer, and I hesitated for months, hoping some reasonable solution could be reached. (For example, giving me a portion of the funds to invest in index funds, so that I could demonstrate that I'm a responsible investor, but every possible compromise was rejected.) The bank said that if I can get a court order, they'll happily turn it over. I also checked to make sure my mother hasn't drained the account, but it seems she hasn't. (A little after that, my mother discovered the girlfriend, and we had our largely-unrelated fight.)

...

So, I've gotten a lawyer. I dislike doing it, and it feels scummy. Growing up, I was taught I owed everything to them, and I mean EVERYTHING. My art talent/skill wasn't my own, neither were my grades, study habits, etc. They even said my friends only liked me due to my parents' large house! Looking back, this is abusive behavior. (And for the sake of brevity, I'm leaving out descriptions of the years of physical abuse, including chemical burns, and other assorted, but mostly unrelated, abuse.) They weren't parents trying to prepare their child for the world -- they wanted me under their control, and dependent on them (or another male authority figure.) Their primary goal when I attended college was for me to find a husband, for chrissake. I know this is going to wreck whatever remains of my relationship to my mother, and likely the rest of my biological family, too. But given the girlfriend-arguments and already strained relationship, I'm not sure that's much of a loss.

...

@lexde

I bolded a particular phrase that stuck out to me. Lawyers can be scummy. There is somewhat of a common trope that lawyers are scoundrels leaching off the public. But I don't think that's how you're using this phrase.

This came off to me as exactly as your mother would want you to feel. This is the abuse speaking to you; this is the abuse lying to you. There is absolutely nothing scummy or dislikable about taking someone who has stolen from you to court. This is your mother trying to get into your head. These feelings you have about the lawyer I believe are actually coming from your upbringing.

This isn't your fault, and you're not weak for needing the government to bring justice for you. Use the help the lawyer will give you. Let the lawyer bring absolutely everything he can against your parents.

dramathrowaway

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1564 on: February 09, 2019, 06:50:15 PM »
Thanks for all the best wishes and advice. Reading your replies and feeling your empathy, I have a better sense of how skewed my own view has become. I've heard of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and the relevant subreddits, though I've largely avoided them, due to how similar their experiences are to my own. It can sometimes be hard to read. I strongly suspect my mother has some form of this, which was left to fester, as she never sought out any means of bettering herself. As for therapy, I'm working through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy, to learn healthy coping mechanisms,) on my own. When I have more in the way of funding, I'll likely pursue formal therapy. In the meantime, I'm fortunate enough to have a couple people in my life who are familiar enough with the kinds of problems someone like me typically develops. I have it on good authority that I'm likely to beat this in 3-5 years, so I'm fairly optimistic.

Going low to no contact will also likely be a relief. Also, the information for the IRS saved me a few clicks. Thanks. :)

I've made another (non-throwaway) account, that I'll use to discuss my adventures in mustachianism. (--> @JSalazar)

@Dicey I have enough information to infer most of the story. If you're curious: my parents were strongly influenced by my grandparents, who were self-made millionaires (quite mustachian, but outside of their business, nutsos.) The grandparents withheld affection, were physically abusive, etc., but my mother put up with it due to the significant financial aid my grandparents provided. To my grandparents, motherhood was expected. Unfortunately, motherhood turned out to be far more work than my mother was willing to do. Before I was born, she enjoyed a social life full of glittering parties & fancy dinners. I wasn't a healthy baby, when I was born. I don't believe I ever needed long-term hospitalization, but it was enough to effectively kill her social life. (I was the sort of baby with sensitivity to sound/light/certain textures/foods, etc.) This enraged her. She expected me to do everything perfectly the first time, to never be ill, to never need different food, etc. As I grew up, I was a frequent interruption in her routine, and she needs her routines like most people need water (severe OCD.) Eventually I learned better, but then she started seeking me out, demanding I act in the role of a therapist any time her own parents decided to belittle her parenting skills (or lack thereof.) It's funny, because I learned to treat my own issues through research/attempts to treat my mother. What made it worse was that my grandparents seemed to unconditionally love me, praising me as though I could do no wrong. My mother, on the other hand, could never do anything right. If you're familiar with NPD, it's a slight twist on the golden child / scapegoat dynamic. Once I began to see the dynamic for what it was, I started feeling uncomfortable around my grandparents, especially as I learned more about how they abused their daughter. I'm committed to breaking that chain.

I also suspect she thought she could relive her younger (best) years through me. She dressed me up as she had dressed, when she was younger. I was made to adopt her chosen hairstyle, hair color, the kinds of clothes she liked, friends she would've had, etc. This sort of thing is cute when done to babies (sort of?) but disturbing when done to a 16-25 year old. For example, I read much more than she did, which resulted in punishment. Basically, she wanted MomVer2.0. The abuse was mostly an extension of trying to fit me into this mold, even if it required using hair dye I was *very* allergic to, for example. I could be doubled over in front of her, and she'd just shrug and call it the "price of beauty." The whole situation is both hilarious and sad.



GreenEggs

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1565 on: February 09, 2019, 09:58:12 PM »
"The whole situation is both hilarious and sad."

I have found the ability to see humor in unpleasant situations to be a great asset.  It has allowed me to maintain a positive additude instead of allowing myself to get pulled down by negative feelings. 

You will get through this fine.  I can tell by the way you describe your mother that you understand what makes people tick, which means you can examine and analyze your own emotions, feelings, and motives.  You can move beyond the influence that you mother had on you.  Eventually, you may find that things come full circle and you have the upper hand, and are able to show her the grace and love that she wasn't capable of showing you. (I recently had that pleasure, something which I'll always treasure.)

Don't worry.  Be stong.  Find love & joy.  Everything will be okay, actually it will be much better than okay. 

lexde

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1566 on: February 11, 2019, 11:32:22 AM »
Oh boy, a thread for me to vent on...

Here's my story (so far:)

...

Everyone I've told this story to has strongly advised me to get a lawyer, and I hesitated for months, hoping some reasonable solution could be reached. (For example, giving me a portion of the funds to invest in index funds, so that I could demonstrate that I'm a responsible investor, but every possible compromise was rejected.) The bank said that if I can get a court order, they'll happily turn it over. I also checked to make sure my mother hasn't drained the account, but it seems she hasn't. (A little after that, my mother discovered the girlfriend, and we had our largely-unrelated fight.)

...

So, I've gotten a lawyer. I dislike doing it, and it feels scummy. Growing up, I was taught I owed everything to them, and I mean EVERYTHING. My art talent/skill wasn't my own, neither were my grades, study habits, etc. They even said my friends only liked me due to my parents' large house! Looking back, this is abusive behavior. (And for the sake of brevity, I'm leaving out descriptions of the years of physical abuse, including chemical burns, and other assorted, but mostly unrelated, abuse.) They weren't parents trying to prepare their child for the world -- they wanted me under their control, and dependent on them (or another male authority figure.) Their primary goal when I attended college was for me to find a husband, for chrissake. I know this is going to wreck whatever remains of my relationship to my mother, and likely the rest of my biological family, too. But given the girlfriend-arguments and already strained relationship, I'm not sure that's much of a loss.

...

@lexde

I bolded a particular phrase that stuck out to me. Lawyers can be scummy. There is somewhat of a common trope that lawyers are scoundrels leaching off the public. But I don't think that's how you're using this phrase.

This came off to me as exactly as your mother would want you to feel. This is the abuse speaking to you; this is the abuse lying to you. There is absolutely nothing scummy or dislikable about taking someone who has stolen from you to court. This is your mother trying to get into your head. These feelings you have about the lawyer I believe are actually coming from your upbringing.

This isn't your fault, and you're not weak for needing the government to bring justice for you. Use the help the lawyer will give you. Let the lawyer bring absolutely everything he can against your parents.
Hi hello! I don't think the "scummy" was in reference to the lawyer, but was more in reference to having to go over her parents' heads to the law, when parents have typically been the end-all-be-all authority figure for her.

@dramathrowaway -- don't think of this as "suing your parents." Think of the action more as "following procedure to gain access to assets that are yours." Do you have any access to the account? Can you see the balance?

I don't know what state your assets are in so I can't tell you what the particular laws are regarding your situation. Blahblah this isn't legal advice I'm not your lawyer etc.

With the limited information that I have available, I'd contact the financial representative and ask once more that the account be transferred as you are now over the age of majority, do not have a custodian or guardian appointed to you, and by law the assets are exclusively yours. If they refuse or give you the runaround, remain adamant: I am over the age of transfer, I am a legal adult, I do not have a custodian or guardian appointed to me, by law the assets are exclusively mine. Still nothing? Request to be put in touch with the legal department. Remind them politely that if they do not release the funds to you, that they will be looking at legal proceedings not just for the amount of funds in the account but for associated legal fees and court expenses. If they are not disputing that you are the beneficiary, this should be a non-issue. Ask them to transfer the funds into an account that is exclusively yours. It's absurd that they are circumventing (what I am assuming to be) the law here by refusing to give you access to your own funds.

If that doesn't work, then just call the service department and ask what they need in order to liquidate the account. Sometimes a simple workaround like this, with no pretense or contention, is the way to go, and a rep will tell you what you need (which shouldn't include the custodian letter). If they require the letter, tell them that you are over the custodial age and ask if an affidavit signed by you and notarized would be sufficient. Affidavits are easy, just ask what info they need and make sure it's included. You can probably google something like, "Affidavit of Identity" for examples.

lexde

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1567 on: February 11, 2019, 11:44:05 AM »
I guess I can contribute to this thread on my own, too.

My grandfather was a multimillionaire, his kids (my father + uncle) were set to inherit everything except his (lavish) home when he passed. His second wife forged a new will and left us with nothing. Also we are pretty sure she "induced" his passing. That was about $25M to each son that evaporated.

A few years later...

My great-uncle (grandfather's brother) was also a multimillionaire. Everything was supposed to go in equal parts to my father & my uncle on his passing since he was a jerk and didn't have a family of his own. The timing on this one was bad. Great-uncle went into hospice, and a few months later my dad died. While my dad was on life support, my uncle told great-uncle that my dad had already died (knowing full well he had not, and we still had some hope at that point...) and told him to write my dad out of the will, leaving $25,000 total to my brother and I rather than half of the estate (valued at around $10M). My mom spent the $25K on a lawyer trying to show undue influence, but because he was in hospice for so long before, no one could attest that he was NOT clear at the time he made the change. So that was $5M directly to me that went up in smoke. My cousins (uncle's kids) were absolutely rotten to me for a long time and sucked up to him thinking they would get something out of it, but they haven't (and won't) see a penny of it. He'd rather burn his dollars on his funeral pyre than see them go to anyone else. What a sad, truly evil person he is.

TLDR: My family is full of vultures, money makes evil people more-evil, none of this was surprising, I should have been a multi-millionaire at 18, and I'm doing just fine paying my own way.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1568 on: February 11, 2019, 12:49:17 PM »
lexde, if you don't mind speculating publicly, what do you think would have happened to you if you had received the multi-millions back when you were 18?  It sounds like it could have been close to $20M between your grandfather and your great-uncle. Were you already financially wise, or would it have led you to  waste your twenties in frivolous spending?

Pooperman

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1569 on: February 11, 2019, 01:23:55 PM »
Thanks for all the best wishes and advice. Reading your replies and feeling your empathy, I have a better sense of how skewed my own view has become. I've heard of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and the relevant subreddits, though I've largely avoided them, due to how similar their experiences are to my own. It can sometimes be hard to read. I strongly suspect my mother has some form of this, which was left to fester, as she never sought out any means of bettering herself. As for therapy, I'm working through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy, to learn healthy coping mechanisms,) on my own. When I have more in the way of funding, I'll likely pursue formal therapy. In the meantime, I'm fortunate enough to have a couple people in my life who are familiar enough with the kinds of problems someone like me typically develops. I have it on good authority that I'm likely to beat this in 3-5 years, so I'm fairly optimistic.

Going low to no contact will also likely be a relief. Also, the information for the IRS saved me a few clicks. Thanks. :)

I've made another (non-throwaway) account, that I'll use to discuss my adventures in mustachianism. (--> @JSalazar)

@Dicey I have enough information to infer most of the story. If you're curious: my parents were strongly influenced by my grandparents, who were self-made millionaires (quite mustachian, but outside of their business, nutsos.) The grandparents withheld affection, were physically abusive, etc., but my mother put up with it due to the significant financial aid my grandparents provided. To my grandparents, motherhood was expected. Unfortunately, motherhood turned out to be far more work than my mother was willing to do. Before I was born, she enjoyed a social life full of glittering parties & fancy dinners. I wasn't a healthy baby, when I was born. I don't believe I ever needed long-term hospitalization, but it was enough to effectively kill her social life. (I was the sort of baby with sensitivity to sound/light/certain textures/foods, etc.) This enraged her. She expected me to do everything perfectly the first time, to never be ill, to never need different food, etc. As I grew up, I was a frequent interruption in her routine, and she needs her routines like most people need water (severe OCD.) Eventually I learned better, but then she started seeking me out, demanding I act in the role of a therapist any time her own parents decided to belittle her parenting skills (or lack thereof.) It's funny, because I learned to treat my own issues through research/attempts to treat my mother. What made it worse was that my grandparents seemed to unconditionally love me, praising me as though I could do no wrong. My mother, on the other hand, could never do anything right. If you're familiar with NPD, it's a slight twist on the golden child / scapegoat dynamic. Once I began to see the dynamic for what it was, I started feeling uncomfortable around my grandparents, especially as I learned more about how they abused their daughter. I'm committed to breaking that chain.

I also suspect she thought she could relive her younger (best) years through me. She dressed me up as she had dressed, when she was younger. I was made to adopt her chosen hairstyle, hair color, the kinds of clothes she liked, friends she would've had, etc. This sort of thing is cute when done to babies (sort of?) but disturbing when done to a 16-25 year old. For example, I read much more than she did, which resulted in punishment. Basically, she wanted MomVer2.0. The abuse was mostly an extension of trying to fit me into this mold, even if it required using hair dye I was *very* allergic to, for example. I could be doubled over in front of her, and she'd just shrug and call it the "price of beauty." The whole situation is both hilarious and sad.

Something else to check: your credit. Someone who would steal from you like this may also have stolen from you another way.

TexasRunner

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1570 on: February 11, 2019, 02:22:50 PM »
Something else to check: your credit. Someone who would steal from you like this may also have stolen from you another way.

Very much this, and you can run your credit report online for free.

(This is the ACTUAL free one, government sponsored:  https://www.annualcreditreport.com/.  FYI there are a ton of "Buy your credit report sites" that are really just trying to offer credit monitoring...)

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1571 on: February 28, 2019, 10:16:03 AM »
I've written a couple long winded narratives here about this and then deleted them. I don't know what to make of recent events.

In short a relative I haven't seen in a very long time has popped up asking for DOB and address to add me to their will and possibly transfer unspecified property to me if I want it. This relative is from a messy part of the family that often feuded over money. Now this relative is one of the few left and has whatever is left of that money. There seems to be a genuine wish to gift me property in my town that i would then be free to sell or keep if I wanted.

Relative tells me I'm their favorite. Might even be true b/c I did happily spent time with them when I was younger and I've never said a mean word to them though they were part of the inheritance drama after my grandparents passed.

My parent was also part of the drama although myself and my other parent gently removed my parent from the drama to preserve their emotional stability. It left emotional scars.

In short my grandparents had a will which divided up things more or less equally but a now dead relative raided some of the accounts and walked away. Various papers went missing, some cash went missing, relative went mum, etc. As my parents didn't need the money, my attitude was that they should just retreat and make peace with it. We all cut ties and continued our lives.

That's my attitude now. If this relative were to get weird - or cause problems with their sibling/my parent - I'd rather just walk away from whatever the gift might be.

Its a different kind of FU money that DW and I have - the ability to avoid inheritance conflicts b/c we have our own comfortable life.

I'm worried both about some sort of identity theft risk and worried about the potential family drama time bomb this might create.

So should I be worried about giving over my DOB and address? Any risks that anyone can identify?

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1572 on: February 28, 2019, 11:16:10 AM »
I've written a couple long winded narratives here about this and then deleted them. I don't know what to make of recent events.

In short a relative I haven't seen in a very long time has popped up asking for DOB and address to add me to their will and possibly transfer unspecified property to me if I want it. This relative is from a messy part of the family that often feuded over money. Now this relative is one of the few left and has whatever is left of that money. There seems to be a genuine wish to gift me property in my town that i would then be free to sell or keep if I wanted.

Relative tells me I'm their favorite. Might even be true b/c I did happily spent time with them when I was younger and I've never said a mean word to them though they were part of the inheritance drama after my grandparents passed.

My parent was also part of the drama although myself and my other parent gently removed my parent from the drama to preserve their emotional stability. It left emotional scars.

In short my grandparents had a will which divided up things more or less equally but a now dead relative raided some of the accounts and walked away. Various papers went missing, some cash went missing, relative went mum, etc. As my parents didn't need the money, my attitude was that they should just retreat and make peace with it. We all cut ties and continued our lives.

That's my attitude now. If this relative were to get weird - or cause problems with their sibling/my parent - I'd rather just walk away from whatever the gift might be.

Its a different kind of FU money that DW and I have - the ability to avoid inheritance conflicts b/c we have our own comfortable life.

I'm worried both about some sort of identity theft risk and worried about the potential family drama time bomb this might create.

So should I be worried about giving over my DOB and address? Any risks that anyone can identify?

Red flags all over this. you don't need the DOB and address for a will, at least not where I live. Identity theft happening 99.9% guaranteed if you give the info. That relative might be going around with the same story to other relatives too... you don't phish one person at a time.

To mess with them, give them a fake DOB like 6/9/69 and a UPS store address. That might cause follow-on issues, your call.

six-car-habit

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1573 on: February 28, 2019, 11:26:48 AM »
 I would say visit the relative [uncle / aunt ?] and take them out for lunch.  They may have a different perspective on the previous drama you haven't heard, or may have had their own issues with deceased grabby relative - that they want to talk to someone about, but doesn't want to approach your parent seeking for a sympathetic ear.

  Bring them to the property in question, have a snack on the lawn, tree clearing, rooftop, sidewalk, whichever.  Ask what they would want done with the property and why you seem to them to be the best caretaker for it. I suppose they would like it kept in the family, at least a little longer ?

 Its a relative , they can figure out your address, and your birthday date can be found in some old calendar of their own, or Grandmas calendar/ datebook from when JustJoe was a cute 3 yr old , and Aunt/ Uncle went to your b-day party.. They can reason out the year of birth. I wouldn't stress on identity theft too much.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1574 on: February 28, 2019, 12:03:14 PM »
 I want to say dramathrowaway's story holy smokes is one of the worst family accounts I've read. So sorry you had to go through that.

In my family there was favoritism of the boys. Some examples the boys got allowances. When we asked for an allowance our Dad said, what do you need an allowance for? If you need something I can buy it. We had chores we had to do, but did not get paid for them (one of them was making all the beds, including our brothers' beds). However if our brothers did the exact same chore (shoveling snow, mowing lawn) they would be paid.

 On my mom's side, my mother was the first born, but then about 5, 7 years later her 2 little brothers came along. She was very bright (read every book in her branch library) and told that they would make sure she would go to college. When it came time to go to college my grandparents said of course she's not going to college, they were saving any money they had so her brothers could go, and she should just move back after high school and get a job to help support the family and her brothers. Maybe that's what would have happened. But my great grandmother said that was nonsense she was the smartest of the bunch, and paid the college costs. And while my Mom did inherit some significant assets from the great grandfather, I don't think she got anything of note when either of her parents passed away.

On my Dad's side, my grandmother was widowed young. Even though she was considered middle class, her husband both due to business losses occuring when he was sick, and from pride, made sure to pay all his debts before he died, leaving the family with nothing (not even a house). Raised two sons with great grandmother's help (who was also widowed young). She immigrated to the US, brought both of her sons over eventually and gave them all the money she had saved from working at a sweat shop for 5-10 years. Luckily the brothers were successful so she lived with us or our aunt and uncle the rest of her life. She still was so frugal that if she got a bar of soap as a gift, wouldn't use it, but display it on her dresser.

Anyways whenever there is a crisis our mother often wants us two girls to drop everything to help "the family". This has happened to my sister multiple times since she lives closer. I understand my mother was raised to feel that females have less value, or only value in regards to how they could help the family, but no, not going to keep that going. She has a number of jewelry pieces that were willed down to us from our great grandmother. She agrees they are ours, but also will not give them to us, because "she might need to sell for financial reasons". Financial reasons including making sure my deadbeat older brother, who lives off her, has cable, xbox, and cigarettes. I'm thinking the likelihood that my sister and I will inherit anything of value from either parent is slim to none. 
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 06:51:06 PM by partgypsy »

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1575 on: February 28, 2019, 12:17:07 PM »
I would say visit the relative [uncle / aunt ?] and take them out for lunch.  They may have a different perspective on the previous drama you haven't heard, or may have had their own issues with deceased grabby relative - that they want to talk to someone about, but doesn't want to approach your parent seeking for a sympathetic ear.

  Bring them to the property in question, have a snack on the lawn, tree clearing, rooftop, sidewalk, whichever.  Ask what they would want done with the property and why you seem to them to be the best caretaker for it. I suppose they would like it kept in the family, at least a little longer ?

 Its a relative , they can figure out your address, and your birthday date can be found in some old calendar of their own, or Grandmas calendar/ datebook from when JustJoe was a cute 3 yr old , and Aunt/ Uncle went to your b-day party.. They can reason out the year of birth. I wouldn't stress on identity theft too much.

Don't know exactly where the relative lives. I know +/- 100 miles of where they live but only because of what they told me. Jinga: I agree on the DOB and address. I was able to find this relative's info this morn doing a basic background check. If I can find their's, they can find mine.

I think what I'll do is invite them to lunch the next time they are in my state, they do alot of miles a year apparently. Talk a little, as suggested. They did say they were using a local lawyer whose name I did not recognize. Maybe I'll get more info and talk to the lawyer. See if this is all real. Perhaps explore what financial liabilities I might be facing.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1576 on: February 28, 2019, 03:00:51 PM »
Just Joe, I don't think ID theft is a big concern since the information they are asking for is easy to get--although, by the same token, the relative should be able to get them without contacting you. I agree that you should make friendly contact. Don't approach him/her with suspicion, just with caution.  Find out more about what is going on and what their goal is. Who knows, maybe part of the drama that your branch of the family subtracted themselves from included this relative trying to undo the damage done by the late thieving relative.

ysette9

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1577 on: February 28, 2019, 03:44:22 PM »
I’d just like to chime in my support for @dramathrowaway. You are an amazing person who deserves access to your own money and a chance to thrive without your family dragging you down. I hope your lawyer gets the legal system to throw the book at your mother. What she is doing and has done is reprehensible.

Please do keep us posted. We are rooting for you. I wish there was something concrete I could do to help.

bluebelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1578 on: March 02, 2019, 10:13:19 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 10:37:35 AM by bluebelle »

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1579 on: March 02, 2019, 10:51:45 AM »
That's the way to do it. I think I'm the executor of the will alone but will certainly bring in my sibling so they have 100% awareness and 50% of the property/money. I've witnessed a will where one of multiple siblings had all the knowledge and as soon as the last parent died - everything went to hell. Papers went missing, money went missing and there was no way to ever prove it b/c nobody but the executor had any awareness of the whole picture. Not good.

Threshkin

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1580 on: March 03, 2019, 11:07:33 PM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

Why keep it a secret?  Don't you want them to know they a getting a equal share?  Or are you trying to keep the will a secret? That might be harder.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1581 on: March 04, 2019, 06:30:50 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

Why keep it a secret?  Don't you want them to know they a getting a equal share?  Or are you trying to keep the will a secret? That might be harder.

I think the part they want to keep secret is that the parents didn't treat the kids equally.   They want all siblings to be treated equally and think the parents intended it that way.

Alfred J Quack

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1582 on: March 04, 2019, 07:09:14 AM »
@dramathrowaway, you are certainly not a bad person. In a no-win situation, yes. In a very dificult spot, certainly. But always remember, you are responsible for your own actions and so is your mother. You made a choice with the lawyer and I applaud you for taking that long, stick with it and protect yourself!

As for my own "drama". My grandfather from the UK wasn't well a few years back. The last time I visited my father and uncles were openly discussing how the monies were going to be divided a after his passing. They knew his will and were not afraid about talking about it, though it was a businesslike conversation.
Fast forward a year, and he had passed away. The funeral was very well cared for, they had a speaker from the humanist society and it was all very familyal.

A month or 2 later I get a mail from my dad, the executor wanted my address so he could write me a cheque for the inheritance. I answered that I couldn't cash a check with my bank and that he'd have to wire it to my account (most banks in the Netherlands don't cash cheques anymore).
2 weeks later I have 2 cheques in the mail, one for me and one for my son. So I get pissed, mail my dad that I can't do anything with it and that he should take it out on the executor. He does, in a 5 week back and forth they work out the details and he sends it to my account.

As I understand it, my dad, uncles and aunt were going totally nuts over the executor. He'd send e-mails asking for partial information, then send a second and maybe e third after you respond that he needs more info. All the while charging 300 pounds an hour.
Also, part of the will was that the great-grandkids received a small sum at their 16th birthday. The executor would have to "check" every year whether one had reached this age and if so take action. They basically told him that they would pay out those cheques immediatly because their inheritance was dependent on the amount that would have been left over.


I mind it more that my kids never got to see their great-grandfather though... Especially my oldest son, he was already born but we just couldn't make the time for it. If anything, my drama is the remorse I feel about that...

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1583 on: March 04, 2019, 07:44:29 AM »
Here's an odd question: if someone were to me gift a check - say $10K - and there is the potential for family drama, where would be the best place for me to put the money so I could either return the money or divide it at a later date?

In the bank and under the mattress doesn't really let it grow to keep up with inflation. Other methods might be too restrictive. I just don't know much about these things.

I was promised a gift of some amount but don't really expect to receive anything ever. Maybe it will go perfectly, no drama.

I can also imagine this being the focal point of a family dispute later if I was gifted something but no one else was. If it all goes sour I'd just rather give the money back rather than be in the middle of something. I have a low tolerance for all that sort of stuff. DW and I are doing just fine by ourselves.

talltexan

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1584 on: March 04, 2019, 08:14:23 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

Why keep it a secret?  Don't you want them to know they a getting a equal share?  Or are you trying to keep the will a secret? That might be harder.

It's two separate decisions:

1. DH decides that he will transfer whatever is necessary to make the estate end up 33-33-33.
2. DH asks his parents to explain why they're choosing the %'s they are.


sherr

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1585 on: March 04, 2019, 08:24:34 AM »
Here's an odd question: if someone were to me gift a check - say $10K - and there is the potential for family drama, where would be the best place for me to put the money so I could either return the money or divide it at a later date?

In the bank and under the mattress doesn't really let it grow to keep up with inflation. Other methods might be too restrictive. I just don't know much about these things.

If you want something completely safe then the best you can do is probably look for online-only high-interest savings accounts. Or a CD, as long as it merely charges something like "last three months of interest" or similar as the early-withdrawal penalty. You probably won't quite keep up with inflation with either of those at the moment, but it's better than the 0.1% or whatever that regular savings accounts are paying these days.

sherr

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1586 on: March 04, 2019, 08:28:21 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, but let me caution you against intentionally ignoring the will. An executor's job is to faithfully carry out the instructions in the will, not to change it to make it better. I don't know Canadian law (or USA law either for that matter) but it would not surprise me if you could be found personally liable if you ignore the will.

ysette9

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Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1587 on: March 04, 2019, 09:14:01 AM »
You don’t ignore the will. You execute it as written. You then take part of your 50% and gift it to your sisters so the end result is that everyone gets 1/3. Once the inheritance is yours you can do anything you want with it, including distributing it to people you feel should have been left more initially.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1588 on: March 04, 2019, 09:18:11 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, but let me caution you against intentionally ignoring the will. An executor's job is to faithfully carry out the instructions in the will, not to change it to make it better. I don't know Canadian law (or USA law either for that matter) but it would not surprise me if you could be found personally liable if you ignore the will.

Possibly, but 1) the only person who loses is OP, 2) who would have an interest in taking the case just to prove a point of principle? and 3) it is always open to someone to refuse to take all or part of an inheritance - which is effectively what OP is doing, with the result that the sisters' 25% shares become larger because more is in their side of the overall pot.

Personally, I'd say to the sisters "these wills are obviously 30 years out of date, I don't know what our parents were thinking but I have no doubt that the fair thing to do is for us to share everything equally and that's what I'm going to do."  I think that's better than trying to hide.  But OP knows their family best.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1589 on: March 04, 2019, 10:07:34 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, but let me caution you against intentionally ignoring the will. An executor's job is to faithfully carry out the instructions in the will, not to change it to make it better. I don't know Canadian law (or USA law either for that matter) but it would not surprise me if you could be found personally liable if you ignore the will.

Possibly, but 1) the only person who loses is OP, 2) who would have an interest in taking the case just to prove a point of principle? and 3) it is always open to someone to refuse to take all or part of an inheritance - which is effectively what OP is doing, with the result that the sisters' 25% shares become larger because more is in their side of the overall pot.

Personally, I'd say to the sisters "these wills are obviously 30 years out of date, I don't know what our parents were thinking but I have no doubt that the fair thing to do is for us to share everything equally and that's what I'm going to do."  I think that's better than trying to hide.  But OP knows their family best.

I was missing the fact that OP was both the executor and the party that would be missing out by splitting evenly. Thanks, objection withdrawn.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1590 on: March 18, 2019, 11:21:12 AM »
I'm hoping we can keep it from being 'drama' but I think there will be some hurt feelings......backstory, my in-laws wrote their will 30 years ago (before I was on the scene) and DH was in his early 20s (and not great with money).....fast forward 30 years, my MIL passed a few months ago after a lengthy illness.  Helping his dad with paperwork, DH is given a copy of his mother's will, he is named executor, he had no idea.  We're assuming his father's will is the same.  When my FIL passes, it will divide the assests as 50% to DH and 25% to each of his sisters.   The only rationale we can come up with is that it's because he has a penis.  One of the sisters is older than him, both sisters have been dedicated to the parents, both are sensible with money.  It can only be a cultural decision to favour the male born child.  DH and I have already decided that it will be a 33.3% split amongst the siblings, and we will keep his sisters from even knowing if we can.  I know when the time comes it will be me making the decsions and paperwork and DH will just sign as executor.  His family has been in Canada for over 50 years, how can they still think it's okay to short change daughters?  It boggles my mind.  My parents wanted things to be so fair that they made my brother and I join executors, they knew I'm better with money but didn't want to potentially offend my older brother.   And we're both so honest, we would never rip off the other.

I'm not sure I'm reading this right, but let me caution you against intentionally ignoring the will. An executor's job is to faithfully carry out the instructions in the will, not to change it to make it better. I don't know Canadian law (or USA law either for that matter) but it would not surprise me if you could be found personally liable if you ignore the will.

Possibly, but 1) the only person who loses is OP, 2) who would have an interest in taking the case just to prove a point of principle? and 3) it is always open to someone to refuse to take all or part of an inheritance - which is effectively what OP is doing, with the result that the sisters' 25% shares become larger because more is in their side of the overall pot.

Personally, I'd say to the sisters "these wills are obviously 30 years out of date, I don't know what our parents were thinking but I have no doubt that the fair thing to do is for us to share everything equally and that's what I'm going to do."  I think that's better than trying to hide.  But OP knows their family best.

I was missing the fact that OP was both the executor and the party that would be missing out by splitting evenly. Thanks, objection withdrawn.
thanks to all that clarified what I was saying.....DH will execute the will as written, he will just quietly try and gift money to his sisters so that each of them gets 33 1/3 %, our assumption is that his sisters won't question each of them getting a 1/3, and thus we can keep them from knowing the misogynistic nature of the original will.  They don't need to know that their parents valued them less because they were female.  (speaking as a woman I am offended, I can't say whether they'd be or not or not, since they grew up in the culture - but why risk offending them).  If they push to see the will, or make any kind of fuss, DH may choose to execute the will as written - his family, his choice.  I can only tell him how I would feel if it were me......I will encourage him to pay himself as an executor, since we'll probably be living 3 hours away by the time his father passes, and that's alot of extra travel/gas.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1591 on: March 18, 2019, 02:29:14 PM »
Does anyone know what is a reasonable fee for an executor? 

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1592 on: March 18, 2019, 03:41:01 PM »
Does anyone know what is a reasonable fee for an executor?
The list of fiduciary executors that the laquer we are working with sent us all change 1% of the estate.
At first that seemed like a lot but then I realized that it would only be for a year to finalize our estate. I also decided it was a good use of money so our family member named as guardian for our littles cohoe focus on their well-being and not on paperwork.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1593 on: May 13, 2019, 11:27:37 AM »
Bumping this thread.

Elderly relative, widowed a decade-plus ago, marries elderly widow he met in grief counseling. Both are well-off financially, though her more so than him. After the wedding, she moves into his home, sells her big fancy house and distributes the sale proceeds to her grown children. The couple set up their money in a his/hers/theirs arrangement, complete with wills and possibly trusts. He dies, leaving his cash and ultimately the house (which his wife will continue to reside in until her death, per their arrangement) to his grown children. Now her kids are suing for a portion of his estate, claiming they're entitled to a share of it because the couple was married for ten years. While they may have the legal right, some of us are gobsmacked because they had already taken a decent amount of money from their mother years ago and were already quite wealthy. Now they want more.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1594 on: May 13, 2019, 11:38:10 AM »
Wilson - that is just nasty.  They were elderly with grown children.  I really hope her greedy children don't win this one.  Too bad about the legal fees though.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1595 on: May 13, 2019, 11:38:51 AM »
Now her kids are suing for a portion of his estate, claiming they're entitled to a share of it because the couple was married for ten years. While they may have the legal right, some of us are gobsmacked because they had already taken a decent amount of money from their mother years ago and were already quite wealthy. Now they want more.

I'm gobsmacked because I don't see what grounds they even have to sue.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1596 on: May 13, 2019, 11:43:39 AM »
Bumping this thread.

Elderly relative, widowed a decade-plus ago, marries elderly widow he met in grief counseling. Both are well-off financially, though her more so than him. After the wedding, she moves into his home, sells her big fancy house and distributes the sale proceeds to her grown children. The couple set up their money in a his/hers/theirs arrangement, complete with wills and possibly trusts. He dies, leaving his cash and ultimately the house (which his wife will continue to reside in until her death, per their arrangement) to his grown children. Now her kids are suing for a portion of his estate, claiming they're entitled to a share of it because the couple was married for ten years. While they may have the legal right, some of us are gobsmacked because they had already taken a decent amount of money from their mother years ago and were already quite wealthy. Now they want more.

Actually they do NOT have the legal right. Hopefully an attorney will explain this to them to avoid this nonsense. They were adult children. There is no evidence her children were adopted by her late husband. IF there was no will (and there was a will) it would go to his wife, then biological children. Stepchildren have no natural rights to inheritance. Sometimes I hate people. 
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 11:47:25 AM by partgypsy »

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1597 on: May 13, 2019, 12:56:01 PM »
Bumping this thread.

Elderly relative, widowed a decade-plus ago, marries elderly widow he met in grief counseling. Both are well-off financially, though her more so than him. After the wedding, she moves into his home, sells her big fancy house and distributes the sale proceeds to her grown children. The couple set up their money in a his/hers/theirs arrangement, complete with wills and possibly trusts. He dies, leaving his cash and ultimately the house (which his wife will continue to reside in until her death, per their arrangement) to his grown children. Now her kids are suing for a portion of his estate, claiming they're entitled to a share of it because the couple was married for ten years. While they may have the legal right, some of us are gobsmacked because they had already taken a decent amount of money from their mother years ago and were already quite wealthy. Now they want more.


Actually they do NOT have the legal right. Hopefully an attorney will explain this to them to avoid this nonsense. They were adult children. There is no evidence her children were adopted by her late husband. IF there was no will (and there was a will) it would go to his wife, then biological children. Stepchildren have no natural rights to inheritance. Sometimes I hate people.


Yeah, I don't get it. They're apparently claiming there's a state law that allows this. During the past couple of years, several of the adult children used their mom's funds and/or their own (don't know which) to pay for in-home care for her; perhaps they presume they're entitled to some of his money because he benefited indirectly from an aide administering her meds and doing some housekeeping? If that's their rationale, they should've held onto the money she gifted them when she remarried, which might have been as much as high five to low six figures apiece: it was a damn big house. They could have stopped to consider how much more time and money they might be spending on her care if she hadn't had a new husband to provide a home and companionship for many years.

This is the pits for his kids, all of whom are working or middle class, at or near retirement themselves, and could put to good use whatever their dad left them. Instead, I'm sure the lawyers' fees are going to be eating up a chunk of whatever money there is.

I have no financial stake in this. It just makes me sad to see what greed can do to people, even (especially?) those who are upper-middle class or rich.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1598 on: May 13, 2019, 01:16:32 PM »
Bumping this thread.

Elderly relative, widowed a decade-plus ago, marries elderly widow he met in grief counseling. Both are well-off financially, though her more so than him. After the wedding, she moves into his home, sells her big fancy house and distributes the sale proceeds to her grown children. The couple set up their money in a his/hers/theirs arrangement, complete with wills and possibly trusts. He dies, leaving his cash and ultimately the house (which his wife will continue to reside in until her death, per their arrangement) to his grown children. Now her kids are suing for a portion of his estate, claiming they're entitled to a share of it because the couple was married for ten years. While they may have the legal right, some of us are gobsmacked because they had already taken a decent amount of money from their mother years ago and were already quite wealthy. Now they want more.


Actually they do NOT have the legal right. Hopefully an attorney will explain this to them to avoid this nonsense. They were adult children. There is no evidence her children were adopted by her late husband. IF there was no will (and there was a will) it would go to his wife, then biological children. Stepchildren have no natural rights to inheritance. Sometimes I hate people.


Yeah, I don't get it. They're apparently claiming there's a state law that allows this. During the past couple of years, several of the adult children used their mom's funds and/or their own (don't know which) to pay for in-home care for her; perhaps they presume they're entitled to some of his money because he benefited indirectly from an aide administering her meds and doing some housekeeping? If that's their rationale, they should've held onto the money she gifted them when she remarried, which might have been as much as high five to low six figures apiece: it was a damn big house. They could have stopped to consider how much more time and money they might be spending on her care if she hadn't had a new husband to provide a home and companionship for many years.

This is the pits for his kids, all of whom are working or middle class, at or near retirement themselves, and could put to good use whatever their dad left them. Instead, I'm sure the lawyers' fees are going to be eating up a chunk of whatever money there is.

I have no financial stake in this. It just makes me sad to see what greed can do to people, even (especially?) those who are upper-middle class or rich.

I just want the lawyer they hired to give them advice to give them the "you get nothing" speech in Willy Wonka. If not that, the presiding judge.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1599 on: May 14, 2019, 11:56:30 AM »
Maybe there is more to the story, like they paid for a lot of renovations to make it wheelchair accessible, for mom and had an agreement to be repaid, and now just want it back. 

Totally correct that non-dependent step children have zero inheritance rights.  DH was adopted by his stepdad, (first dad died when he was 2) so ended up out of the will of his grandfather whom he had a life-long close relationship with....   No one realized that "all my grandchildren" would exclude a grandson that was adopted by someone else.