Author Topic: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.  (Read 28651 times)

paddedhat

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Our daughter invites us to dinner with the (potential  future) in-laws. She lives in a hipster downtown of a medium sized city, mid-western city, and is enthralled with all of the trendy horseshit that comes with the location. Coffee houses, the latest restaurants. You know the drill.

The place that the kids picked is too busy to even think about accommodating a large table, but the FIL is one of those "I know the owner" types. So, we end up having to watch him as he makes his grand entrance, complete with the owner and staff kissing the ring, making it clear that he is a VIP. Dinner is Italian, grossly overpriced, an in order to really make an impression there is a whole lot of ordering of high end appetizers, and exotic mixed drinks. This is countered by the wife and I, who order an appetizer for our main course, and have water to drink. To really take assholism over the top, the lad's parents "simply can't drink city water"  and consequently, there are probably four or five bottles of some designer water brought to the table and served like fine wine. I can only imagine that this whole display of idiocy added $30-40 to the bill. WTF?

The bill comes, and it's over $300. All the sudden there is a bit of furrowed brow action the part of  the big shot and his kid. After a watching a few minutes of hushed conversation, and repeated counting of a pile of cash, I grow tired of watching this silliness, and toss some cash toward the kid. Now our meals, with drinks, totaled less than 15% of the bill,  so my contribution covered our portion AND a 50% tip.  As we leave this overpriced, underwhelming hipster shrine to anti-mustachian stupidity, the kid thanks dad for the meal, even though he split the tab with dad. Dad replies with "your welcome, your all welcome" while glancing at me. I'll never know if I was supposed to thank him for the meal I paid for, or the impressive show he put on?   

I can only hope that my daughter snaps out of it, and that the whole lifestyle grows tiring. She wasn't raised like this, and certainly doesn't have the income to support this silliness. As for the future son in law, well it wouldn't break my heart if it doesn't work out. Thanks for listening, I'm done whining.

Rezdent

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I bet your daughter is quite the catch, and the pressure on the family to impress her parents is huge.  They need to reassure dad especially that they will treat her like royalty, because dad has enormous influence on daughter's choice of spouse.
What comes later will be more telling because hopefully that pressure got relieved somewhat.  Trust that your daughter sees something in the young man that wasn't apparent at this dinner, at least for now.

meghan88

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Nice rant!

In-law stuff is always touchy.  I have a story to share, for what it's worth:  The wedding with my first SO was at City Hall in the '80's after many years of living together - no pomp and circumstance - all we'd planned on was a get-together for some close friends at our apartment.  Then my family decided to host a small dinner reception in order to "pay back" invites to their circle, none of whom were part of our lives - we really didn't want them to do this, but they insisted, and they paid for it.  FIL, MIL + 2 of SO's siblings + 1 sibling SO drove up from the U.S. for it, and grandma flew in from Europe (she visited the in-laws occasionally anyway so a trip of this kind was nothing out of the ordinary).

FIL was doing government contracting, making a lot of $, bragging about how he's in some elite club for high income peeps.  They rented ONE very seedy motel room on the edge of town.  Five people from three generations shared it - grandma had psoriasis, hadn't bathed in years and smelled to high heaven.  One sib slept on the couch of the very small one bedroom apartment my SO and I were renting at the time.  FIL, who subscribed to Gourmet Magazine, wanted to take my SO and I, and my parents, to a fancy French restaurant he remembered from when he used to work in the city.  The bill arrived, and I honestly don't remember the discussion at the end of the meal except that I recall that FIL didn't expect to have to pay, but in the end he did.  Hell, he extended the invite and chose the place.

I think the moral of the story is that it takes all kinds, and sometimes one has to grit their teeth, be as gracious as possible under the circumstances, and then never make the same mistake again.  For my part, I never got married again  :-)

paddedhat

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I bet your daughter is quite the catch, and the pressure on the family to impress her parents is huge.  They need to reassure dad especially that they will treat her like royalty, because dad has enormous influence on daughter's choice of spouse.

LOL, We all love our kids, and I would do anything for mine, but "quite the catch" isn't part of the picture.  Not that she is unattractive, but she can be a handful. I think it comes down to curiosity. The wife and I are nomads, we are home a few weeks a year, and spend most of our time travelling.  I really think that, like many here, we are simply odd ducks, young retirees with the resources to do whatever we want, and happen to have a daughter who is fiercely independent, and doesn't need to show mommy and daddy off to anyone.
What comes later will be more telling because hopefully that pressure got relieved somewhat.  Trust that your daughter sees something in the young man that wasn't apparent at this dinner, at least for now.

I actually can't be too hard on the young man, he has a pretty good handle on the hows and whys of who his dad is, and how he is going to avoid heading down that road. Hopefully they will do well together, if that is what she wants, in the end.

meghan88, thanks for a good story. You're right, the wife and I just smiled and got through the night. No need to get all chummy and go golfing with the guy, however.

Cassie

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I always find it amazing when someone insists on an expensive place and then doesn't want to pay their share of the bill.  When we go out with others unless we intend to treat and say so upfront we get separate checks.  I do not expect someone to pay part of my meal, etc.

meghan88

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I really think that, like many here, we are simply odd ducks
No need to get all chummy and go golfing with the guy, however.
Hell no, no need to socialize with them any more than absolutely necessary for your sanity.  +1 on the "odd duck" comment.  Yes, we all have our little buttons, don't we.  Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same ...

NESailor

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Thanks for sharing.  My little princess is only two but I'm already dreading what meetings may lie in my future and how weird I'll feel in the very likely event that the other party is not at all like us (us odd ducks, that is;).

I have the opposity problem with my in-laws.  They like crappy food and when we go out it's all these chain (or chain-like) restaurants that aren't at all expensive...but still not worth the money to me.  So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.

I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

Miss Piggy

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I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

Canned?

patchyfacialhair

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I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

Canned?

Yes, canned cheese, please. Oh wait, you meant canned chili. That too.

Reminds me of Ricky Bobby's dinner table lol.

NESailor

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I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

Canned?

oh yeah everything will come out of a can.  Pre-mixed spice mix too because mixing a few spices is too much.  And Ritz with Velveeta as the appetizer.  He'll be in heaven ;)

VaCPA

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2016, 12:33:58 PM »
I didn't think he was that bad until the 'too good for tap water' bit

Inaya

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2016, 01:49:03 PM »
I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

Canned?

oh yeah everything will come out of a can.  Pre-mixed spice mix too because mixing a few spices is too much.  And Ritz with Velveeta as the appetizer.  He'll be in heaven ;)
I mixed my own chili spices for the first time at 30 years old. I felt it was the pinnacle of adulthood.

MrsPete

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2016, 03:39:26 PM »
Two thoughts:

First, I know what I think of people who behave this way, but the real question is, How did your daughter react to /feel about this dinner?  Would she rather she and Mr. Right develop into a couple who resembles you ... or the in-laws?  Slightly less interesting, how did the potential son-in-law view the interaction between the two families? 

Second, never judge someone by one incident.  Yeah, I'm thinking they sound like pretentious blowholes too, but -- given that you may one day share grandchildren with this crew -- give them the benefit of the doubt, at least while you're new to one another.  They may have been nervous about meeting you, may have had the idea they needed to impress you with a show. 

I recommend you follow up with an invitation to your house.  Serve a big pot of homemade soup (go ahead and use tap water in it) and fresh bread.  See how things go. 

MrsPete

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2016, 03:50:05 PM »
I have the opposity problem with my in-laws.  They like crappy food and when we go out it's all these chain (or chain-like) restaurants that aren't at all expensive...but still not worth the money to me.  So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.
It's quite evident that our future son-in-law isn't used to good food, but he certainly has taken to it.  He is enthralled with the idea of fresh ingredients and home cooked foods.  He went to the farmers' market with us and was like a kid in a candy store.  He's fascinated that we can reproduce restaurant meals at home -- and is very interested in comparing prices and in trying his own hand at making new foods for himself.  His current goal in life: Own a grill of his own.   He didn't come from a family that enjoys food and never really questioned that before meeting our daughter, but he's learning fast!

clarkfan1979

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2016, 05:21:57 PM »
Good rant. This would burn me.

Something similar happened to me when I was age 20 and went to sushi with some associates. My portion of the bill was probably 10%, but they wanted to split it even (25% each). I refused to pay 25%. It was very uncomfortable, but they finally agreed. However, unfortunately you do not have that luxury with the in-laws.

SwordGuy

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2016, 07:04:57 PM »
You should be pleased the young man thanked his dad for the meal.  It was very good manners; he was trying to save his father further embarrassment.   It shows promise for how he might treat your daughter in the future.

paddedhat

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2016, 08:41:00 PM »
You should be pleased the young man thanked his dad for the meal.  It was very good manners; he was trying to save his father further embarrassment.   It shows promise for how he might treat your daughter in the future.

I'm on the fence when it comes to Jr. thanking dad. First, he and my daughter invited us to diner, so I was a bit disappointed that they expected some combination of themselves, and all parents, to pay the absolutely fucking ridiculous bill. I think it was mostly a "thanks for bailing me out of this mess" kind if comment. At their age, I specifically remember regularly inviting my parents for diner. It was a tray of homemade lasagna, or a turkey in the oven, and making sure that their preferred choice of beer and wine was on hand. We had no favorite high end restaurant, since we rarely went to any.  Like I said in the beginning, for better or worse, my daughter wasn't raised like this. As for the dad being embarrassed?  Seriously, that isn't part of this guy's DNA. An ego like that doesn't do embarrassed.

Telecaster

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2016, 08:46:21 PM »
You did the right thing.  You kicked in some cash and avoided the awkward situation.  Good on you for being the bigger person. 

It will probably happen again.  I recommend being the bigger person again. 

Before it happens a third time, I recommend a heart to heart with the parties in question such that it doesn't happen again. 

Zamboni

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2016, 08:49:38 PM »
:-) Great story.

I suspect he thinks you are a bigshot because you retired early and travel so much. The whole episode had kind of a "new money/old money" vibe. You are the old money, of course, because old money doesn't work, travels to their homes abroad (or their friends homes) for entertainment, eats mostly at home, and finds the whole restaurant scene to be "dreadful."

a-scho

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2016, 01:22:07 AM »
 I was taught that whomever does the inviting does the paying. If the future SIL invited the girlfriend's parents out to dinner, he pays. If he can only afford so much, he should have picked a less expensive place, or at least tell HIS PARENTS to not order so much. I think it's very bad form for the FIL to go cray cray in the ordering and then expect the girl's parents to pitch in.

Metric Mouse

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2016, 03:54:36 AM »
Good rant. This would burn me.

Something similar happened to me when I was age 20 and went to sushi with some associates. My portion of the bill was probably 10%, but they wanted to split it even (25% each). I refused to pay 25%. It was very uncomfortable, but they finally agreed. However, unfortunately you do not have that luxury with the in-laws.

I've never figured out how splitting bills like that became a thing. I mean, I can see pitchers of beer or appetizers or something getting split...but if I order a $75 dollar steak and four $24 manhattans, I can't even imagine expecting my buddy who ordered water and a plate of cheese fries to split the bill with me...

Sibley

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2016, 07:39:04 AM »
Thanks for sharing.  My little princess is only two but I'm already dreading what meetings may lie in my future and how weird I'll feel in the very likely event that the other party is not at all like us (us odd ducks, that is;).

I have the opposity problem with my in-laws.  They like crappy food and when we go out it's all these chain (or chain-like) restaurants that aren't at all expensive...but still not worth the money to me.  So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.

I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

To be honest, the only thing in that meal that I would want to eat is the bread (which sounds good). I don't like gourmet food in general, and if he's the same way then of course he's not going to appreciate that meal.

aboatguy

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2016, 08:33:59 AM »
When I invite someone out for dinner I expect to pay.  When I'm on a trip with workmates the first thing we ask the wait staff is for separate checks, in my experience in removes a bunch of butt hurt since folks never order exactly the same and often forget how much tips, taxes and other fees add to a bill.

Mike

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2016, 09:08:01 AM »
When I invite someone out for dinner I expect to pay.  When I'm on a trip with workmates the first thing we ask the wait staff is for separate checks, in my experience in removes a bunch of butt hurt since folks never order exactly the same and often forget how much tips, taxes and other fees add to a bill.

Mike

Indeed. There are also folks who simply pretend to be unable to add it all up, or who find reasons to stiff the server, in order to foist at least some of their costs onto their peers.

robartsd

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2016, 09:24:08 AM »
So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.

I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

To be honest, the only thing in that meal that I would want to eat is the bread (which sounds good). I don't like gourmet food in general, and if he's the same way then of course he's not going to appreciate that meal.
I agree, he might be blown away if you serve well prepared freshly made simple food. Homemade chilli with freshly grated extra-sharp cheddar sounds more appealing to me than the pasta dish you served (I'll still take your bruschetta though).

Felicity

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2016, 09:50:34 AM »
I always find it amazing when someone insists on an expensive place and then doesn't want to pay their share of the bill.  When we go out with others unless we intend to treat and say so upfront we get separate checks.  I do not expect someone to pay part of my meal, etc.

I honestly wonder if people just don't pay attention or don't realize that their portion of the bill is the overwhelming majority? This sort of thing has happened so often, with people I respect, that it seems unlikely all these people are fully aware they spent 70-80% of the check vs. our 20-30% (vegetarian + don't drink).

mskyle

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2016, 10:01:33 AM »
I always find it amazing when someone insists on an expensive place and then doesn't want to pay their share of the bill.  When we go out with others unless we intend to treat and say so upfront we get separate checks.  I do not expect someone to pay part of my meal, etc.

I honestly wonder if people just don't pay attention or don't realize that their portion of the bill is the overwhelming majority? This sort of thing has happened so often, with people I respect, that it seems unlikely all these people are fully aware they spent 70-80% of the check vs. our 20-30% (vegetarian + don't drink).

I've seen this happen plenty, and I think people get used to "not paying attention" to the bill when it's not in their interest to do so. There's one guy in a group I go out with on occasion who *always* used to say "so let's just split this X ways" until a few of us started pushing back... he was upset about it at first, which I feel like shows he *must* have realized that he wasn't paying his fair share of the bill before (he usually has a couple more drinks than the average person at the table, and we are indeed generally at fancy hipster places where a couple of cocktails add up to real money).

I don't think these people think of themselves as deliberately screwing over their friends, but it's useful for them to be ignorant so they don't think about it too much.

NESailor

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2016, 10:16:31 AM »
So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.

I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

To be honest, the only thing in that meal that I would want to eat is the bread (which sounds good). I don't like gourmet food in general, and if he's the same way then of course he's not going to appreciate that meal.
I agree, he might be blown away if you serve well prepared freshly made simple food. Homemade chilli with freshly grated extra-sharp cheddar sounds more appealing to me than the pasta dish you served (I'll still take your bruschetta though).

For the record, we're not some fancypants people who eat escargot all the time.  My point got lost in the relative fanciness of our mother's day dinner (both my wife and MIL loved it though, and it was meant for them).  We make plenty of simple "meat and potatoes" dinners at home.  What I'm saying is that if I want to pay someone for cooking me steak, I won't go to Applebees to have one reheated for me.  My in-laws will, though.  And think it's a good deal because it was 12.99/person.  Basically, no risk of crazy restaurant bills having to be split with them.  However, I still don't like going out to eat with them because we'll end up at a crappy place where I don't value the food even if it ends up costing $10/person because I know that we can do MUCH better at home both in terms of quality and cost/plate.   Unfortunately, FIL does not express much appreciation for food prepared at home...for whatever reason.  MIL makes up for it though with public gratitude on facebook and the like.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #28 on: May 12, 2016, 12:37:20 PM »
I always find it amazing when someone insists on an expensive place and then doesn't want to pay their share of the bill.  When we go out with others unless we intend to treat and say so upfront we get separate checks.  I do not expect someone to pay part of my meal, etc.

I honestly wonder if people just don't pay attention or don't realize that their portion of the bill is the overwhelming majority? This sort of thing has happened so often, with people I respect, that it seems unlikely all these people are fully aware they spent 70-80% of the check vs. our 20-30% (vegetarian + don't drink).

I've seen this happen plenty, and I think people get used to "not paying attention" to the bill when it's not in their interest to do so. There's one guy in a group I go out with on occasion who *always* used to say "so let's just split this X ways" until a few of us started pushing back... he was upset about it at first, which I feel like shows he *must* have realized that he wasn't paying his fair share of the bill before (he usually has a couple more drinks than the average person at the table, and we are indeed generally at fancy hipster places where a couple of cocktails add up to real money).

I don't think these people think of themselves as deliberately screwing over their friends, but it's useful for them to be ignorant so they don't think about it too much.

I do believe that they're aware of it at some level, but prefer to maintain a voluntary blindness so as to not have to own it. That way they can get the financial benefit of partially freeloading and benefiting disproportionately on a very regular basis, but the social benefit of being an equal contributor. If they were to acknowledge the extent to which they're manipulating their friends into paying for their consumption, they'd have to also address their habit of overconsuming. Most people aren't willing to do that.

dividend

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #29 on: May 12, 2016, 01:17:41 PM »
So we'll invite them over for dinner sometimes and I'll cook something I'd consider a bit nicer - fresh bruschetta from homegrown ingredients to start and blue mussels with white wine sauce over linguine last night for example - and I can tell FIL is not a huge fan:)  MIL loves my cooking though and since it was mother's day that's what counted.

I'll make chilli topped with pre-grated bagged cheddar for dad in law next time:)

To be honest, the only thing in that meal that I would want to eat is the bread (which sounds good). I don't like gourmet food in general, and if he's the same way then of course he's not going to appreciate that meal.
I agree, he might be blown away if you serve well prepared freshly made simple food. Homemade chilli with freshly grated extra-sharp cheddar sounds more appealing to me than the pasta dish you served (I'll still take your bruschetta though).

For the record, we're not some fancypants people who eat escargot all the time.  My point got lost in the relative fanciness of our mother's day dinner (both my wife and MIL loved it though, and it was meant for them).  We make plenty of simple "meat and potatoes" dinners at home.  What I'm saying is that if I want to pay someone for cooking me steak, I won't go to Applebees to have one reheated for me.  My in-laws will, though.  And think it's a good deal because it was 12.99/person.  Basically, no risk of crazy restaurant bills having to be split with them.  However, I still don't like going out to eat with them because we'll end up at a crappy place where I don't value the food even if it ends up costing $10/person because I know that we can do MUCH better at home both in terms of quality and cost/plate.   Unfortunately, FIL does not express much appreciation for food prepared at home...for whatever reason.  MIL makes up for it though with public gratitude on facebook and the like.


Ugh, my in-laws are like that.  We took them to one of our favorite (pricey) restaurants, and made it clear we were treating them.  They couldn't even enjoy it because of how much it cost.  Sat there looking uncomfortable and trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu.  And yet they go to places like Bob Evans or Applebees all the time.  I thought they'd appreciate a treat since they never go out to a nice restaurant.  We won't make that mistake again with people who can't appreciate it. 

onehair

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #30 on: May 13, 2016, 09:32:35 AM »
My dad is like that if you take him to a buffet (he loves buffets so he can gorge) he's a happy camper.  The fanciest he will ever get is Ruby Tuesday only because my stepmother is fond of them.  Fancier more expensive places he would be most uncomfortable...

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #31 on: May 13, 2016, 10:11:52 AM »
My dad is like that if you take him to a buffet (he loves buffets so he can gorge) he's a happy camper.  The fanciest he will ever get is Ruby Tuesday only because my stepmother is fond of them.  Fancier more expensive places he would be most uncomfortable...

That's funny, my dad is the same way. Generally when he goes out to eat he'll pick at his food, but take him to a Chinese buffet and he'll eat enough that we'll need to roll him out of there. The last time I took him to one, he wasn't able to drive he was in such a food delirium...and he generally eats like a bird. It's always amusing to see him like this.

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #32 on: May 13, 2016, 02:15:45 PM »
Criticizing other people for their taste in food is pretty close to the ultimate in jack-assery in my book. 

Miskatonic

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #33 on: May 13, 2016, 02:44:10 PM »
I understand where you're coming from to a point. In-laws are easy to be annoyed with. But calling your daughter's choice of lifestyle "horseshit"? I'm sure you're above that. Why take fault with the in-laws being friends with a restaurant owner? It sounds to me like they went out of their way to get you a table at a place they genuinely enjoying dining at. There's nothing wrong with eating out occasionally, as long as they're not blowing their paycheck on it every month. The "city water" thing is dumb, I'll give you that. It sounds like they have their share of faults, but you should cut them a little slack too. People who live alternative lifestyles are awesome until they start lording it over others and acting superior.

dplasters

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #34 on: May 13, 2016, 03:04:40 PM »
Growing up in the DC metro area I read this story and thought... $50 a head ain't bad.

Very awkward situation though.  Gotta go clean expensive east coast thoughts out of my head.

Seppia

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Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #35 on: May 13, 2016, 03:13:25 PM »
The guy clearly lacks manners as its common sense to pay if you invite people out.
Still, I think the OP comes off like a judgmental prick, 99% of western civilization does not consider "mineral water" as something obscene, maybe they have tab at home but since it was a first meeting they were trying not to look cheap.
Also, ordering an appetizer as a main course will clearly make the hosts uncomfortable in this kind of situation.
Just play along and be a functioning member of society, we don't have to prove a point every single damn time.
I personally would not give a damn, but it's funny how in this community we always rant about how "people" will judge you because you drive a civic, but then have no issue whatsoever writing a 400 word rant about a poor unknown person because they order Sanpellegrino the first time they have an official dinner with the potential in laws.

Edited to correct awful typos
« Last Edit: May 13, 2016, 03:17:16 PM by Seppia »

paddedhat

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #36 on: May 13, 2016, 03:46:06 PM »
I understand where you're coming from to a point. In-laws are easy to be annoyed with. But calling your daughter's choice of lifestyle "horseshit"? I'm sure you're above that. Why take fault with the in-laws being friends with a restaurant owner? It sounds to me like they went out of their way to get you a table at a place they genuinely enjoying dining at. There's nothing wrong with eating out occasionally, as long as they're not blowing their paycheck on it every month. The "city water" thing is dumb, I'll give you that. It sounds like they have their share of faults, but you should cut them a little slack too. People who live alternative lifestyles are awesome until they start lording it over others and acting superior.
I'm not so sure that I would really back off the horseshit comment, even if it does sound harsh.  My disappointment that my daughter has no savings, and little desire to emulate her parents beliefs on the issue of frugality, compounded by a fairly low income, can be expressed using that exact word. We have a six figure passive income, after FIRE, and we sure as hell don't live like she does. Eventually she will grow up and realize that she can't live the life of a trust fund brat, spending $50 PP, per meal, and other silliness, or maybe not, and she will end up with a painful financial crash heading her way.

Regrettably, you completely missed the point of the father's behavior, and the fact that he knew the owner.  HE went out of HIS way to get a table in a place that HE enjoyed. He enjoys it because the staff, and owners, make a big scene and treat him like some greasy mafia don, when he walks in the door. He did it to impress the DW and I (giant fail) and, more importantly, to feed his ego. Remember this is the guy who took a snide swipe at me, since I didn't toss enough cash on the table to cover HIS multiple appetizers, thirty dollar entree and designer water, after we were invited to diner.

As for cutting them some slack, absolutely. The wife is a real nice person, who my daughter is quite close to.  The son is growing on us, and recently crossed the threshold from, "Jees, I hope she dumps that douche" to, "well it's her choice, and he does have a good side". I guess I spent too long living in the 'burbs of NYC. I repeatedly ended up in public places where there were what the locals called the "Joey Jerk-offs". The guys who were too cool for the crowd, loud, needy, and obnoxious. Eventually these guys grow old and unfortunately, fail to age gracefully. I guess the deeper issue with my rant is that I'm most likely going to acquire one of these chucklenuts as a relative by marriage, and it isn't a pleasant thought.

paddedhat

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #37 on: May 13, 2016, 04:07:59 PM »
The guy clearly lacks manners as its common sense to pay if you invite people out.
Still, I think the OP comes off like a judgmental prick, 99% of western civilization does not consider "mineral water" as something obscene, maybe they have tab at home but since it was a first meeting they were trying not to look cheap.
I guess the issue with your though process on this is that much of western civilization is actually located WEST of the GWB, and would, in fact, view paying five bucks a 750 ML bottle of water, and have a waiter put on a show while serving, to be pretentious as hell. BTW, your defense of a half cent's worth of water, in a fancy bottle, for five bucks, will probably receive little sympathy in these parts, LOL


Also, ordering an appetizer as a main course will clearly make the hosts uncomfortable in this kind of situation.
Just play along and be a functioning member of society, we don't have to prove a point every single damn time.

It was 8:30 PM when we ordered. I am generally up, and productively engaged before six AM, and like a lot of fly over county hicks, end up eating at five ish.  A hour before bed, I wasn't the least bit hungry, and order an app.(literally a smaller version of a main course on the menu) and a veggie side. The don was at the other end of a big table, behind a huge center piece arrangement, and I assure you, gave zero fucks as to what, and if,  I was eating. Nobody was trying to make a point by failing to order large amounts of food, late in the evening, specifically to make anybody uncomfortable.Even if I was that devious, this guy sure as hell doesn't do "uncomfortable"

I personally would not give a damn, but it's funny how in this community we always rant about how "people" will judge you because you drive a civic, but then have no issue whatsoever writing a 400 word rant about a poor unknown person because they order Sanpellegrino the first time they have an official dinner with the potential in laws.

Edited to correct awful typos

I would  have to assume that "Sanpellegrino" is a brand of trendy water that most of western civilization (NYC?)drinks at diner?

MgoSam

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #38 on: May 13, 2016, 06:04:31 PM »

Regrettably, you completely missed the point of the father's behavior, and the fact that he knew the owner.  HE went out of HIS way to get a table in a place that HE enjoyed. He enjoys it because the staff, and owners, make a big scene and treat him like some greasy mafia don, when he walks in the door. He did it to impress the DW and I (giant fail) and, more importantly, to feed his ego. Remember this is the guy who took a snide swipe at me, since I didn't toss enough cash on the table to cover HIS multiple appetizers, thirty dollar entree and designer water, after we were invited to diner.

I also misintrepeted your point about the father as well. I know a few restaurants where we know the owner and have used that card to get better service, but it has never been for ego but because I want to maximize enjoyment. For instance in high school my friends were going to a restaurant that's owned by a friend. My dad called him on our behalf and we were served small dishes of lots of amazing foods instead of having to order, we were billed of course, but the personal attention by the owner as a friendly favor made a difference and everyone enjoyed it.

But yeah, I can see how people lorde who they know over other people. Everyone knows that person that claims to know everyone and name-drops all the time. Thankfully the only person I know that has the ability to name-drop is incredibly modest and I have to pry out details out of interest, he does meet a lot if interesting people.

As for your daughter, yeah I can understand your point of view. Hopefully things will get better as she gets older, I know growing up I was pampered and had an entitled mentality. Thankfully the real world kicked much of that out of me and I embraced my parent's frugality and used their wisdom become better at doing just about everything. Traits that I hated about my parents are things that I am finding more and more useful now and I regret not learning it sooner, or appreciating them when I was younger...but there's no time like the present.

Seppia

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Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #39 on: May 14, 2016, 12:37:29 AM »
The guy clearly lacks manners as its common sense to pay if you invite people out.
Still, I think the OP comes off like a judgmental prick, 99% of western civilization does not consider "mineral water" as something obscene, maybe they have tab at home but since it was a first meeting they were trying not to look cheap.
BTW, your defense of a half cent's worth of water, in a fancy bottle, for five bucks, will probably receive little sympathy in these parts, LOL


Also, ordering an appetizer as a main course will clearly make the hosts uncomfortable in this kind of situation.
Just play along and be a functioning member of society, we don't have to prove a point every single damn time.

I am generally up, and productively engaged before six AM, and like a lot of fly over county hicks, end up eating at five ish. 
 


 it's funny how in this community we always rant about how "people" will judge you because you drive a civic, but then have no issue whatsoever writing a 400 word rant about a poor unknown person because they order Sanpellegrino the first time they have an official dinner with the potential in laws.

I would  have to assume that "Sanpellegrino" is a brand of trendy water that most of western civilization (NYC?)drinks at diner?

I wasn't at all approving the guy's behavior.
I just said that you come off like somebody with an equally giant ego, and your last two posts filled with

"I am up at six I got shit to do", "I have a six figure passive income" and the general "if somebody disagrees with me he clearly doesn't understand"

Confirm my suspicion.

I think the last time I have bought bottled water at a restaurant or in a supermarket was maybe when I was 18, and yes, Sanpellegrino is a brand of mineral water sold everywhere in the world, and was not at all suggesting people should buy that.

My main point is:
If you meet somebody for the first time and he's a dick, but he also happens to be the parent of your daughter's boyfriend, you could maybe try play along and be above this stuff to avoid having HER feel like shit.
I would suspect your daughter did not feel extremely comfortable and at ease about your behavior.
Be a gentleman, comply to the stupid social dance that other guy "invited" you to, then after the fact talk to your daughter and tell her how big of an a hole this guy is.
Your six figure passive income should help you survive the hit.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2016, 02:05:35 AM by Seppia »

paddedhat

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #40 on: May 14, 2016, 05:35:48 AM »






I wasn't at all approving the guy's behavior.
I just said that you come off like somebody with an equally giant ego, and your last two posts filled with

"I am up at six I got shit to do", "I have a six figure passive income" and the general "if somebody disagrees with me he clearly doesn't understand"

Confirm my suspicion.

Yea, we get it, you think I'm a dick, based on a few lines of a very long story.

To clarify, the income information was in response to another poster's comments, and nothing that ANYBODY I have any contact with IRW has any knowledge of.  When it comes to being "deep under cover" you should meet my friends and family. Then tell them that you have inside info. that I FIREd to a $100K a year passive income, and a seven figure portfolio that we keep adding to. They will laugh until they have tears. The income comment was to illustrate that we could easily afford the "fountain of waste" lifestyle my daughter has chosen, but do not, since our philosophy, the one she was taught, aligns with the values of the members here.

I'm up at dawn because I have done so through a working career that started at thirteen, and continued for another 36 years. It is what it is, I like it, and as a result I typically get to bed by ten,  and generally don't stuff my face with 1500 calories at 9 PM.

If you disagree with me, that's cool, but if you are judging with a lack of information, and calling me a dick, well you got the dick part right, but it describes your actions, not mine.

Perhaps a bit more info. on our mafia Don would help? The guy is a retired civil servant, with a very modest income. Totally cool by me, he could be living a modest lifestyle and enjoying his remaining time on this rock. Instead of dealing with it, he drags his family from one financial crisis to the next, insists on living in a new gated community, in a trophy home they cannot afford, and drives a leased Mercedes.  If I have a low opinion of the guy, it isn't because I'm a dick, or some hick who doesn't drink designer water, it's because he is all about everything that I have no respect for, and at some level this lifestyle is manifesting itself in my daughter's decision making.


I think the last time I have bought bottled water at a restaurant or in a supermarket was maybe when I was 18, and yes, Sanpellegrino is a brand of mineral water sold everywhere in the world, and was not at all suggesting people should buy that.

My main point is:
If you meet somebody for the first time and he's a dick, but he also happens to be the parent of your daughter's boyfriend, you could maybe try play along and be above this stuff to avoid having HER feel like shit.
I would suspect your daughter did not feel extremely comfortable and at ease about your behavior.
Be a gentleman, comply to the stupid social dance that other guy "invited" you to, then after the fact talk to your daughter and tell her how big of an a hole this guy is.
Your six figure passive income should help you survive the hit.

You have made a MASSIVE assumption assuming that my wife and I were, and will continue to be, anything but polite and gracious in the presence of this couple. My daughter had a great time, was glad to see us, and was raving about the wonderful restaurant, as we left her for the evening. Next you recommend that I take the time to let my daughter know that her future FIL is an asshole. Sorry, but that's not how the wife and I lead our lives. We have had the kids at our home, and listened to a long rant for both of them, about what a asshole the mafia don is. Believe me,  she already is well aware of who the guy is.  Since we didn't know anything about the guy, ( and to that point, had no reason to speak a negative thought ) we remained silent, and will continue to do so.

Hopefully, you do realize that there is a difference between real world behavior, and venting on a forum full of like minded individuals? The thread has been interesting, and fortunately not full of posts like yours, that just erroneously assume that I am a dick, and a rude hick, who treats people like shit to prove a point. Are you the kind of guy who takes a verbal jab about being too cheap to contribute more than 150% of your portion of the tab, while smiling at the asshole who said it, and holding the door for him? I did.  I guess that's part of what adults do when they, as you put it, " play along and make sure that others don't feel like shit". I'm also the kind of guy who didn't even tell my wife until the next day, an will never discuss it with my daughter. Some jerk-off who needs to confirm his true nature is nothing I need to dwell on, or discuss with his future daughter in law.

Finally, nice job with the second snide shot about the income. 
« Last Edit: May 14, 2016, 09:09:51 AM by paddedhat »

ender

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #41 on: May 14, 2016, 10:00:02 AM »
Ugh, my in-laws are like that.  We took them to one of our favorite (pricey) restaurants, and made it clear we were treating them.  They couldn't even enjoy it because of how much it cost.  Sat there looking uncomfortable and trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu.  And yet they go to places like Bob Evans or Applebees all the time.  I thought they'd appreciate a treat since they never go out to a nice restaurant.  We won't make that mistake again with people who can't appreciate it.

Something being a treat does not automatically make it easier to waste money.

Miskatonic

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #42 on: May 14, 2016, 10:51:13 AM »
Writing a novel in response to every post suggesting you take a closer look at your own actions doesn't reflect well.

MgoSam

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #43 on: May 14, 2016, 01:24:58 PM »
Easy now fellas, the OP posted here because this is a place where he can do so to get it off his chest.

It's not like he can say any of this to his daughter or to his wife, and I know that my dad has bottled up slights from family and my sibling's spouse's families all the time and holding it inside sucks. Perhaps his tone might be unsavory but oh well, I'd rather him get it out here and then be able to get along with his daughter's future in-laws.

Cassie

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #44 on: May 14, 2016, 02:39:19 PM »
I agree that this can be a good, safe place to vent.  WE all need that sometime.  I also hate when people order a bunch of stuff and then don't want to pay for their share.

CowboyAndIndian

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #45 on: May 14, 2016, 02:44:04 PM »
Easy now fellas, the OP posted here because this is a place where he can do so to get it off his chest.

It's not like he can say any of this to his daughter or to his wife, and I know that my dad has bottled up slights from family and my sibling's spouse's families all the time and holding it inside sucks. Perhaps his tone might be unsavory but oh well, I'd rather him get it out here and then be able to get along with his daughter's future in-laws.

I agree that this can be a good, safe place to vent.  WE all need that sometime.  I also hate when people order a bunch of stuff and then don't want to pay for their share.


+1

Both Cassie and MgoSam have taken the words from my mouth.
PaddedHat has provided valuable information in his responses to DIY questions, don't pick on him.

« Last Edit: May 14, 2016, 02:47:03 PM by CowboyAndIndian »

SeaEhm

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #46 on: May 14, 2016, 02:47:19 PM »
Funny thing is that I read a post of a similar situation where this guy talked about eating dinner with his future in laws and he wanted to go all out as he rarely ever eats out.  Therefore, he ended up nearly ordering everything on that italian menu.


paddedhat

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2016, 04:32:37 PM »
Writing a novel in response to every post suggesting you take a closer look at your own actions doesn't reflect well.

Assuming you are talking to me,  I really think this is pretty unnecessary. First, I have responded to four members here, two were pleasant, and then there are you and seppia, who seem to have some odd axe to grind. Seppia needed to point out, repeatedly,  how much of a dick I am, and made totally off the fucking charts assumptions and accusations, about things that never happened. I'm not sure exactly what your motivation is? But, the facts remain. The DW and I were involved with a pretty bizarre interaction with what will probably be the future inlaws. We both did exactly nothing to slight, embarrass, or disrespect these folks, didn't that night, and never will.  I came here to express my absolute amazement about how it all went down, instead of quietly banging my head on the table, in private. Of the posts that directly responded to the original post, the vast majority understand what we went though. It was not a life changing, reality altering event. It was an odd evening with an odd dude. That kind of thing happens, and we move on. No need to call me names, or recommend that I engage in deep reflection on the fact that you have an issue with a non-event.

Cassie

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #48 on: May 14, 2016, 05:43:33 PM »
Sometimes when people start to majorly annoy me I just quit responding to their posts.  Sometimes you just can't win no matter what you say.

dividend

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Re: Fancy dinner with the in-laws, or an exploding fountain of waste.
« Reply #49 on: May 16, 2016, 09:52:33 AM »
Ugh, my in-laws are like that.  We took them to one of our favorite (pricey) restaurants, and made it clear we were treating them.  They couldn't even enjoy it because of how much it cost.  Sat there looking uncomfortable and trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu.  And yet they go to places like Bob Evans or Applebees all the time.  I thought they'd appreciate a treat since they never go out to a nice restaurant.  We won't make that mistake again with people who can't appreciate it.

Something being a treat does not automatically make it easier to waste money.

I know.  It's one our favorite, rare treat kind of restaurants.  The chef had recently won a James Beard award and we have always been blown away by the food and the experience, and knowing that they would probably not try it on their own, we were excited to share it with them.  It sucked to feel like we had wasted our money trying to share it with them.  I always struggle to find awesome gifts for them for birthdays or holidays, and I thought I spending an evening with them at a restaurant we love was a great solution.  Lesson learned.  :(