The Money Mustache Community
Around the Internet => Antimustachian Wall of Shame and Comedy => Topic started by: jeromedawg on January 22, 2016, 01:51:01 PM
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So just now, my dad was showing us a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples. He was like "yea this is what they use in Asia. we're going to give you this one" as if we need more crap and clutter from them. I told him we eat pineapple like twice a year so why do we need this? Granted, it's a small device but our utensils drawer is packed with utensils they've given us and of which 10% we probably use. They tend to do this with other stuff too... my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more. Admittedly, it's pretty useful when we find ourselves short of things but all things considered, they're such hoarders and packrats.
My wife would tell you that I take after them, but I beg to differ...slightly.
Anyway, my mom likes to shop at Sears and Kohls and buy stuff only if she can get it (with coupons especially) for 90%+ off. And my dad will buy crap off Aliexpress (like stupid headlamps) that he then gives to each of us because we "need headlamps" - it's pretty ridiculous. Most of the stuff they give to us is just junk (they'll also bring back trinkets and keepsakes from trips [e.g. woven water bottle holders my mom got a bargain for in Peru - seriously? when would we ever use this? "Hey, you never know" is always their response] and other stuff).
My wife especially gets annoyed with this - my mom will give her cheapo purses and clutches that look tacky and they end up piling up in our closet because my wife feels bad not to take them or give them away but won't actually use them. *Some* of the stuff they'll get us we actually might be interested in, but a lot of it is just junk.
It especially gets ugly at Christmas time... "great, we have a bag full of crap to bring back home with us" - I've told my parents to stop giving us junk and they've gotten better at it but they still can't resist. Seriously though, with all the junk they buy and have hoarded, they could probably send thousands of shoeboxes out via Operation Christmas Child. Or it's like, instead of the $100s of dollars you spent buying crap for us in the past couple years, you could have just given us $100 dollars cash.
Anyone of you have parents or relatives like this? It's pretty hilarious actually... but we're dreading having to clean out their house when the day comes that they're no longer with us.
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Oh, boy, have I been there. Not only would I get the junk bought on sale (
sometimes often it was even broken junk!), but my mother would use my childhood pajamas and underwear(!?!?!) that she had kept as packing material to protect the junk during shipping.
Anything that was broken got pitched, and anything that was usable got donated. I'm not sure why, but starting several years ago, the "care packages" stopped. Much to my relief. I, too, dread the day my siblings and I have to clean out their hoarded house.
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My in laws are like this. We get the most random useless junk for birthdays and Christmas which I keep around for a few months out of guilt then bring to goodwill. They buy books and junk at their equivalent of Goodwill non-stop. So its always non-name brand, kinda off sized, or just something no one wants. OMG the amount of books they have wasted money mailing to us! They have even sent us multiple copies of some books several times. Books we would never read or have ever shown any interest in. Then DH feels bad that they spent money to send them and just shoves them in the closet and we get stuck with them. When he's not home I squirrel them into a box in the garage and eventually (several steps and months later) they will make it to goodwill. I could only imagine if we lived nearby.
Their entire basement is completely filled with junk, old HBA products, obsolete computer equipment and wires, and books. Literally every single wall on the perimeter of every room has a bookcase packed full. Some areas have those heavy duty plastic bookcases 2+ deep all filled. If its not in a bookcase its piled on the floor or furniture where you can barely walk. Its quite sickening actually and they are still fairly young! I've always wanted to rent a dumpster one day and help them throw it all in the trash! I want that day to come while they are still around though...
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Oh, boy, have I been there. Not only would I get the junk bought on sale (sometimes often it was even broken junk!), but my mother would use my childhood pajamas and underwear(!?!?!) that she had kept as packing material to protect the junk during shipping.
Anything that was broken got pitched, and anything that was usable got donated. I'm not sure why, but starting several years ago, the "care packages" stopped. Much to my relief. I, too, dread the day my siblings and I have to clean out their hoarded house.
LOL at the childhood PJs and underwear! I guess she figured "well, this is your stuff so might as well ship it to you" hahahaha. Maybe she ran out of your PJs and underwear to give back! They have so much crap... at least with my mom, she tries to keep it somewhat 'organized' and contained. But my dad, omg it's bad. He just has piles of crap strewn about in his "computer room" (not to mention, he probably has [and I kid you not] a combination of *at least* 10+ desktop and laptop computers at home. I have no idea what he does with everything but I'm pretty sure most them sit around, powered off and collecting dust for the most part. And if you ask him why he has so many he comes up with some stupid reason that makes no sense whatsoever... "oh I need it for the museum project I'm working on" LOL so ridiculous.
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I never understand the love the computer stashes. Both my father and father in law have them! 10 sounds like a low amount though... They both worked on computers and would take the obsolete ones from work so they could live in the basement graveyard. I mean we might need multiple computers with 5" floppy disks all at the same time right?
In full disclosure I admitted on the decluttering thread I too now have an obsolete computer stash that I'm scheming to get rid of. Now that I think of it they are probably the reason why I can't stand looking at my pile of crap because I don't want to see it grow to that size.
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lol, I hear ya. Justifying her purchases, my mom would argue "this is a GREAT value! Normally it's $99.99 and I got it for 98 cents" LOL. She's actually quite thrifty but takes it pretty overboard. My dad isn't as thrifty and will just buy crap though. Some of it is nice crap (that he buys for himself) but whatever he buys for us is generally just crap. I don't want a $1 headlamp that you bought from Aliexpress no matter how "good" you think it is - it's actually my cousin's fault for introducing him to the site.
Your story reminds me of a friend of ours whose godfather is a crazy hoarder. He had his one-port car garage stocked full of boxes of crap. They actually had help clearing it out by her then-fiance [now-husband] and his brother and friend, and I heard that halfway through the process the godfather completely lost it and told them to stop and put all the boxes of crap back into the garage...!!!! LOL She also told us that once while she was looking for something in there she found a dead rat (apparently it was too big and got itself stuck in the hole it was trying to go through).
My in laws are like this. We get the most random useless junk for birthdays and Christmas which I keep around for a few months out of guilt then bring to goodwill. They buy books and junk at their equivalent of Goodwill non-stop. So its always non-name brand, kinda off sized, or just something no one wants. OMG the amount of books they have wasted money mailing to us! They have even sent us multiple copies of some books several times. Books we would never read or have ever shown any interest in. Then DH feels bad that they spent money to send them and just shoves them in the closet and we get stuck with them. When he's not home I squirrel them into a box in the garage and eventually (several steps and months later) they will make it to goodwill. I could only imagine if we lived nearby.
Their entire basement is completely filled with junk, old HBA products, obsolete computer equipment and wires, and books. Literally every single wall on the perimeter of every room has a bookcase packed full. Some areas have those heavy duty plastic bookcases 2+ deep all filled. If its not in a bookcase its piled on the floor or furniture where you can barely walk. Its quite sickening actually and they are still fairly young! I've always wanted to rent a dumpster one day and help them throw it all in the trash! I want that day to come while they are still around though...
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I'm telling you, accumulating gadget crap is the easiest thing (just ask my wife and she'll tell you about my gadget crap). I'm pretty certain he has well over 10, I've just seen 10 laying around in general at least. But it's like every time we visit or he visits, he always pulls out a new laptop and I'm like "you got another one? what for?" and he can't give a straight answer. It's pretty ridiculous. Although, I won't complain about the Mac Mini I'm "borrowing" from him LOL.
I never understand the love the computer stashes. Both my father and father in law have them! 10 sounds like a low amount though... They both worked on computers and would take the obsolete ones from work so they could live in the basement graveyard. I mean we might need multiple computers with 5" floppy disks all at the same time right?
In full disclosure I admitted on the decluttering thread I too now have an obsolete computer stash that I'm scheming to get rid of. Now that I think of it they are probably the reason why I can't stand looking at my pile of crap because I don't want to see it grow to that size.
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Oh, what you people are describing is my worse nightmare. Thankfully my in laws mostly keep their bounty to themselves, but I do wonder every time we visit about how much work it will be one day to dispose of everything.
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Goodwill is the answer here. :) I have a parent who does some of this too. It is usually "seen on TV" junk.
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Yes, their garage is stacked boxes the entire back to the front. The only thing accessible is the lawnmower and the beer fridge so at least there is some priority. Although that's more junk than obsolete computers and books like the basement. I've also never seen their attic. But my husband has gone up a few times... Apparently its filled with every single item from their entire childhood (including every school program, project, and toy they every had). All unorganized and in cardboard boxes. They're always trying to get us to take some back with us when we visit. Luckily we visit by airplane and don't check bags!
One room in the basement is filled with all their old toys and board games. That room was fun to poke around in and its also the unforgotten liquor storage spot. Its like a blast back into the 80's with bonus old liqueur.
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My dad has a ridiculous collection of books. Their entire living room is lined with book shelves from floor to ceiling, even over the picture window! It's probably close to 100 linear feet of book shelves in their house.
Recently they got free housing through his work. Instead of selling the place they own, they keep two places. They have several bookshelves at the other house too. The two house are ~25 miles apart and my mom works in a third town. It's hard for them to keep track of where everything is and they have two of most essential items (basic cooking utensils, living room furniture, their bedroom furniture, etc.). When they offer me my old stuff back, I generally take what I can since I don't want to have a ton of stuff to go through down the line on a more rushed timeline.
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www.aliexpress.com - never heard of it, thanks for sharing.
It has taken years to condition my parents and in-laws not to give us physical items - gift cards only. Apartment living for us!
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www.aliexpress.com - never heard of it, thanks for sharing.
It has taken years to condition my parents and in-laws not to give us physical items - gift cards only. Apartment living for us!
Be careful, you may start buying [knockoff] crap you don't need! Actually, *some* of the stuff they sell on there isn't too bad depending on what you're looking for.
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples.
My aunt. When we were children she gave the most thoughtful gifts. Now, I kind you not, she must go to a closet & pick out something from her Home Shopping Network stash because it's usually cheaply made, nothing we've ever talked about, and in an unmarked box. For my birthday last year I received a pineapple corer/slicer thing. Like you, we eat MAYBE 2 per year. That thing went in the next donation box straight out of my house. I don't even feel guilty anymore.
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples. He was like "yea this is what they use in Asia. we're going to give you this one" as if we need more crap and clutter from them. I told him we eat pineapple like twice a year so why do we need this?
My parents do this all the time. My favorite was when they bought us an Inuit knife used for skinning and cleaning animals. We are vegans. I can't imagine when we would ever use it. I tried using it on fruit and it was not a happy experiment.
Most of the stuff they give us goes to Goodwill after a respectful pause. I am keeping the Inuit knife because it strikes me funny. Sometimes I threaten my blood oranges with it.
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples. He was like "yea this is what they use in Asia. we're going to give you this one" as if we need more crap and clutter from them. I told him we eat pineapple like twice a year so why do we need this?
My parents do this all the time. My favorite was when they bought us an Inuit knife used for skinning and cleaning animals. We are vegans. I can't imagine when we would ever use it. I tried using it on fruit and it was not a happy experiment.
Most of the stuff they give us goes to Goodwill after a respectful pause. I am keeping the Inuit knife because it strikes me funny. Sometimes I threaten my blood oranges with it.
LOL... hilarious.
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Oh god, this is my in-laws.
My father-in-law is one of those Kohl's coupon buyers. They literally bring my kids 3 presents each, every time they see them, and it's just this willy-nilly transfer of STUFF. As the presents are handed out (usually all three over a period of no more than 45 minutes, so that the kids are completely overwhelmed and wound up), I can visualize my FIL zooming through the toy section throwing stuff in the cart.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law is a hoarder type, and she is always asking, "Would you like this Christmas decor I saved from a friend's party? Can you use any more reusable shopping bags? I saved this Folger's canister--would you like to take it home for the kids to use as a drum?!" If we do accept things, she is always checking to make sure we still have them. "Oh, where is that blanket I gave you seven years ago?"
FIL doesn't care, so after the kids invariably destroy the stuff he gives us I can just trash it or donate it, but I have learned to accept nothing from MIL because it's not worth the "long tail" that comes with the item.
They genuinely love spending money on low-cost, low-value future trash (it's only $5!! what a bargain!!) and MIL feels successful when she saves some geegaw for 20 years and then finds a use for it.
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My wife especially gets annoyed with this - my mom will give her cheapo purses and clutches that look tacky and they end up piling up in our closet because my wife feels bad not to take them or give them away but won't actually use them.
I find this excerpt from Bea Johnson's Zero-Waste Home liberating in cases like this:
"Do I keep it out of guilt? If you are afraid of letting go a hostess gift, remember that your guests do not mean to burden you or instill guilt; they just want to offer a polite gesture. It's okay to let go of something that you never intended to purchase and don't really want. And when guests ask about the whereabouts of their gift, it is totally acceptable to express gratitude and hten to let them know you are simplifying your life. Be the king or queen of your castle."
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Your dad and my dad...yep. I'm only sure you're not my brother because that didn't describe either my mom or stepmom.
Last time I visited, I was telling him to get rid of stuff. He said a bunch of it's mine. I told him I moved out for college 9 years ago. If I don't have it, I haven't missed it. By "mine" he meant things like his record player that I borrowed freshman year of college then gave back. Then he said a bunch of it was my stepsister's, who was moving out that day. *eyeroll* Her stuff was in the upstairs bedrooms, not the basement.
I think I might start taking stuff when offered and dropping it off at his local Goodwill before I even get out of town.
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Oh god, this is my in-laws.
My father-in-law is one of those Kohl's coupon buyers. They literally bring my kids 3 presents each, every time they see them, and it's just this willy-nilly transfer of STUFF. As the presents are handed out (usually all three over a period of no more than 45 minutes, so that the kids are completely overwhelmed and wound up), I can visualize my FIL zooming through the toy section throwing stuff in the cart.
Meanwhile, my mother-in-law is a hoarder type and she is always asking, "Would you like this Christmas decor I saved from a friend's party? Can you use any more reusable shopping bags? I saved this Folger's canister--would you like to take it home for the kids to use as a drum?!" If we do accept things, she is always checking to make sure we still have them. "Oh, where is that blanket I gave you seven years ago?"
FIL doesn't care, so after the kids invariably destroy the stuff he gives us I can just trash it or donate it, but I have learned to accept nothing from MIL because it's not worth the "long tail" that comes with the item.
They genuinely love spending money low-cost, low-value future trash (it's only $5!! what a bargain!!) and MIL feels successful when she saves some geegaw for 20 years and then finds a use for it.
OMG YES, this is almost exactly my parents! The other crazy thing they do is they'll save and reuse *used* take-out containers from the food they over-order and bring back home from the restaurants. e.g. used foil tin trays, used plastic containers big and small (including those sauce containers), even used paper cups + straws!! My dad has been into bringing home salsa from Mexican restaurants in those little containers so that he can use it to cook with and make "guacamole." They'll just throw all of it into the sink and rinse it out to be reused for when they cook or want to eat again. It's SUPER annoying and my wife gets so mad. Lately we've just been tossing any of that stuff we find in the sink or on the drying mat. One time I asked my parents what they were keeping used Maggianos takeout tins for and they got all defensive and upset: "those are really good containers! just keep them! don't throw them out! we're going to use them to put our food in" - it's so ridiculous.
My dad also likes to save half-used creamers and leaves opened splenda/sugar packets laying around "to use later" and almost always forgets about them. It's pretty crazy the things they do. Don't forget about the piles of napkins they'll grab from restaurant napkin holders to take back home for us. Admittedly, this is actually useful but it's funny watching them grab two-three handfuls of Starbucks or Chipotle napkins and shoving it in their pockets or to-go bags.
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I firmly believe all those Kohl's deals and super coupon queens are really just shopping addicts in disguise.
This won't help your mom, but it may help you if you can get her to direct some of her "finds" to local charities. If you talk up how she can deduct the value of the item off her taxes (and if it is more than she paid - even more of a "deal!) maybe that would help cut down on what is coming into your house.
Two that come to mind are that most food banks also accept things like shampoo, toiletries, etc. since they are not covered by food stamps. Our local homeless shelter collects all the hotel sized toiletries and makes little kits out of them that they pass out to the homeless folks.
A good charity for all the purses and the like is www.dressforsuccess.org. They help low-income women who are going on job interviews with interview and business appropriate clothing. They collect donations of business suits, costume jewelry, handbags, shoes, etc.
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I firmly believe all those Kohl's deals and super coupon queens are really just shopping addicts in disguise.
This won't help your mom, but it may help you if you can get her to direct some of her "finds" to local charities. If you talk up how she can deduct the value of the item off her taxes (and if it is more than she paid - even more of a "deal!) maybe that would help cut down on what is coming into your house.
Two that come to mind are that most food banks also accept things like shampoo, toiletries, etc. since they are not covered by food stamps. Our local homeless shelter collects all the hotel sized toiletries and makes little kits out of them that they pass out to the homeless folks.
A good charity for all the purses and the like is www.dressforsuccess.org. They help low-income women who are going on job interviews with interview and business appropriate clothing. They collect donations of business suits, costume jewelry, handbags, shoes, etc.
Oh I don't doubt it - scoring deals is like getting high for them LOL. My mom will admit to you that she loves shopping. She just happens to be thrifty when it comes down to finding great deals. It could have been a lot worse for them (e.g. if she was the type of shopper who spent carelessly on whatever she wanted and at whatever cost... this is actually kind of how my in-laws are - they don't really research or care to look for lower pricing and will buy at first glance).
I think my parents are stingy when it comes down to donations and charity... if you were to tell them about how it could be a tax write-off they'd probably say something along the lines of "nah too much trouble" which is actually pretty ignorant and messed up, considering it is charity after all. We've gotten better about reducing the amount of junk they bring us but it still slips through the cracks.
All the references you gave for donations are very useful though at least for my wife and I to keep in mind - that way, if my parents aren't going to cut the crap, we'll just donate it on their behalf hahaha.
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Interesting to read how the stuff gets dealt with once in possession. From box, to closet, to garage, then to Goodwill. Some skip a few steps.
I know this is not PC but even new stuff, including clothes, goes right to the garbage.
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Interesting to read how the stuff gets dealt with once in possession. From box, to closet, to garage, then to Goodwill. Some skip a few steps.
I know this is not PC but even new stuff, including clothes, goes right to the garbage.
Holy cow! If you're getting rid of any "new stuff" please let me know what it is and I'll gladly drive to Brea...depending on what it is.... LOL! On that note, ever thought of using Freecycle?
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Yes. I have in laws that are legitimate hoarders, but everything is contained in the basement (usually). Everytime we go for the holidays, we come home with some stupid kitchen appliance that we immediately donate. I think we've given 6 families electric griddles over the years.
My closest relatives buy junk as well, but seem to be getting better. Though from past Christmases, I still wonder what I'll do with a fondue set and popcorn maker
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We have my mother-in-law and stupid deferred Christmas crap incoming this weekend. I'll have to find time to drive to the thrift store next week.
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Interesting to read how the stuff gets dealt with once in possession. From box, to closet, to garage, then to Goodwill. Some skip a few steps.
I know this is not PC but even new stuff, including clothes, goes right to the garbage.
New clothes go into the garbage? That is very sad to me. In our neighborhood, there are organizations that will come to your house to pick up bags of things. Or maybe one of your neighbors makes regular trips to a thrift store or homeless shelter or ??? I understand not wanting to look at something that you no longer want, but I'm sure there are people that could actually use it instead of it going to a landfill brand new.
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popcorn maker
When we gave up microwave popcorn I requested a popcorn maker and WE LOVE IT! Super easy, inexpensive snack that can be shared with a large or small group. Around the same time we gave up our quesadilla maker. :)
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popcorn maker
When we gave up microwave popcorn I requested a popcorn maker and WE LOVE IT! Super easy, inexpensive snack that can be shared with a large or small group. Around the same time we gave up our quesadilla maker. :)
Speaking of popcorn, we've been making it on the stove in a regular pot (a deep saute pan or 5qt dutch oven seems to work out well for a cup of kernels). It's really easy to do, and will save you on the space a popcorn maker takes up :)
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Speaking of popcorn, we've been making it on the stove in a regular pot (a deep saute pan or 5qt dutch oven seems to work out well for a cup of kernels). It's really easy to do, and will save you on the space a popcorn maker takes up :)
I'm assuming you do that on low heat with some (a Tbsp?) oil. About how long? Do you have to watch it pretty carefully? I'm open to eliminating kitchen appliances if we can replicate the result with similar effort!
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I'm on the coupony hoarding side of things, but it's why our food bill is down to under $1.50 a day per person here. I'm sad you don't like the headlamps, I just bought myself one from kmart on clearance for night time bike commuting. It's pretty sweet to have the regular headlight on the bike, but also a headlamp attached to the helmet so I can turn my head and get light on a street sign I want to read, or have cars two lanes over see a light high enough up that a car between me and them isn't blocking the light.
If you don't want it offer it up free on craigslist. I would have been thrilled to pick one up locally for free!
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Speaking of popcorn, we've been making it on the stove in a regular pot (a deep saute pan or 5qt dutch oven seems to work out well for a cup of kernels). It's really easy to do, and will save you on the space a popcorn maker takes up :)
I'm assuming you do that on low heat with some (a Tbsp?) oil. About how long? Do you have to watch it pretty carefully? I'm open to eliminating kitchen appliances if we can replicate the result with similar effort!
This is the page that taught me how to do it. I think this must have fallen out of favor in the 1980s because "air-popped" sounded healthier than popcorn and oil, but it is soooo simple and delicious.
http://www.recipegirl.com/2011/10/13/how-to-pop-popcorn-on-the-stove/
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My parents routinely buy me several people's worth of clothes per year as gifts. I just donate my (slightly used) clothes to the Salvation Army and wear the new stuff. It's ludicrous, but at least someone's getting nice clothes.
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My family is very similar. I tried to give very specific items that I want as gifts in the attempts to channel their shopping habits into something beneficial. Nope. They don't like what I suggest, so I get several things (that end up costing the same amount) which don't work for me.
I've gotten over the guilt part and just donate everything.
This year I'm going to try telling everyone about becoming minimalist and how I don't want any stuff. I already broke the news to my mom. I'm expected it to take several years before I make any headway.
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I'm on the coupony hoarding side of things, but it's why our food bill is down to under $1.50 a day per person here. I'm sad you don't like the headlamps, I just bought myself one from kmart on clearance for night time bike commuting. It's pretty sweet to have the regular headlight on the bike, but also a headlamp attached to the helmet so I can turn my head and get light on a street sign I want to read, or have cars two lanes over see a light high enough up that a car between me and them isn't blocking the light.
If you don't want it offer it up free on craigslist. I would have been thrilled to pick one up locally for free!
We have a couple of Petzl headlamps and I ended up getting a really good deal on some Energizer ones from Lowes (they came out to be $2-3 a piece after an $8 Paypal rebate redemption).
The cheapo that we got from my dad and Aliexpress is a "zoom" lens headlamp that looks exactly like this: http://www.aliexpress.com/item/New-3w-Led-Headlight-Headlamp-Head-Light-Lamp-Camping-Fishing-Flashlight-Torch/1999987983.html
It's a piece of junk... we may just donate it to Goodwill
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My MIL gives my kids crap every time they visit. They don't want it but 1) she has way too much stuff and 2) it makes her happy. I finally told them to just say thank you and we'll take it to Goodwill. It's especially annoying because she doesn't seem to care that they don't want it so it's odd. I think deep down she just can't get rid of it on her own so it's a way to fool herself.
Once she said I'd probably like to just burn her house down after she dies and that is 100% true. Unfortunately she has fixed it up some. *sigh* She is a wonderful woman who views every object as sentimental.
If you need some 1980s farmwife clothes, i'l hook you up!
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While I wouldn't say my mother is a hoarder, she certainly loves shopping, particularly for homeware type things like linens and cooking gadgets.
It's an ongoing joke in my family that we will never, ever run out of towels because she keeps buying them on sale. In fact, when I moved out I asked my dad if I could take some towels to keep he said "YES PLEASE DO".
They also have part of the garage filled with random bits of furniture and things that they swear they're going to give to us kids when we buy our own homes. Some of the stuff is really nice (jarrah furniture), but I'm not sure how nice it's going to be when my siblings finally move out.
I've been thinking that next time they go on a trip, I should take some time off work and turn the hoard-space into a nice work and tool storage space for my dad, because I know he occasionally despairs at never being able to find anything because there is no organisation to the clutter. Hell, maybe I'll even find that record player he swears he has lying around and finally be able to play that record I accidentally bought online (I thought it was a CD when I bought it).
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But who here will admit to this being...me?
I am kind of like this, I have piles of my kids' old art from when they were little, a few old mementos from when I was young. I just hate throwing away anything that might, someday be useful, or that brings up old, positive memories. Not as bad as the examples above, but I can see myself reflected here.
Sometimes I will hunt around for some old thing, and suddenly remember that I left it behind in one of my many moves. Sad, that.
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Wow, coin's post could have come straight from my keyboard.
Lately, as we've battled the packrat tendencies leftover from my upbringing, we've given not-so-subtle hints that we don't want any more junk. Even if it's nice junk.
I'm going to have the auctioneer on speed dial when the time comes to clean out my folks' homestead. There's a lot of nice stuff, but there's A LOT.
My parents grew up in households that were devastated by the great depression, and they never let go of that scarcity mentality. It rubbed off on me, and I'm fighting to retrain my brain. I'm slowly getting better at letting things go.
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Both my parents and in-laws are like this.
My in-laws are the worst when it comes to Aldi. They follow the Aldi special buys (kitchen gadgets, camping gear, homewares, etc) and if they think something is a good deal they buy one for all their kid's families.
My parents are worst when it comes to birthdays and christmas, buying cheap little trinkets which have no usefulness.
I don't keep what we don't need anymore and donate or discard ASAP without remorse.
I'm now struggling with how to be more direct with them that they should not buy us these things anymore without hurting feelings. I appreciate that they are thinking of us but I hate that they are spending money on items that we are not going to use. I had hoped that when we moved further away that they would understand that we'd not be able to take large amounts of things home with us but instead this christmas they insisted on buying us extra luggage to take the gifts home...
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Wow, coin's post could have come straight from my keyboard.
Lately, as we've battled the packrat tendencies leftover from my upbringing, we've given not-so-subtle hints that we don't want any more junk. Even if it's nice junk.
I'm going to have the auctioneer on speed dial when the time comes to clean out my folks' homestead. There's a lot of nice stuff, but there's A LOT.
My parents grew up in households that were devastated by the great depression, and they never let go of that scarcity mentality. It rubbed off on me, and I'm fighting to retrain my brain. I'm slowly getting better at letting things go.
I'm glad I'm not alone! I am a lot better, probably because 1. We seriously do not need that many towels (what is it with her and towels?!) and 2. My partner is a bit of a minimalist - his only expenses (aside from rent and bills) are games on Steam and eating out. He almost never buys "stuff". This is probably a good thing because a previously-empty cupboard in the kitchen is now being colonised by a collection of high-quality cookware and The Nice Wine Glasses... gifted to me by my parents.
Luckily they have a decent gauge for what I would like and would use, so I haven't needed to get rid of anything they've gifted me yet. I suppose my insistence they either not get me anything or failing that requesting something really small/consumable/that I would actually use for Christmas or birthdays is working... sort of.
I would still like them to do a thorough clear out of stuff... or at least stop bringing new stuff into the house...
Another thing they do - they like to send me home with leftovers when I visit. Partially because my mum likes cooking for a crowd but hates eating leftovers, but also because I suspect they like sharing the "taste of home" with me and my partner (my partner loves my mum's cooking). Some dishes are just better when it's made by your mum, you know? It can be a bit of a nuisance when I've already planned out and done the shopping for meals or it is particularly indulgent (cheesecake, anyone?), but there's always the freezer. :-)
The gifts and leftovers used to make me really anxious because I thought it was way over the top and didn't want them to put themselves out for me. Now I'm a lot more relaxed about it because I realised that they can afford it and it's their way of showing love.
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One of my friends was talking about how his dad has a cabinet dedicated to all the free stuff he has hoarded from Harbor Freight: magnetic trays (these are actually really nice), flashlights, measuring tapes (these are apparently really crappy), screwdrivers, voltmeters, etc etc etc. I find that pretty hilarious as well, except if I ever need another magnetic tray, I know who to ask when I don't want to make the trek to Harbor Freight (the lines can be pretty bad there).
Speaking of leftovers, my parents are sticklers on leftovers. Even if they didn't pay for it. My mom, who sometimes subs for principals and vice principals has brought home leftover unopened cartons of milk and string cheese packets that she took off kids' trays because they didn't eat them and were going to toss them...LOL their fridge is crazy and every time they visit us, our fridge and freezer become just as crazy as theirs - packed to the brim.
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I used to think that my mum was bad, but you guys have convinced me othewise.
My parents don't hoard or coupon (we don't really have that kind of thing here)
But my mum does save things for me and my sisters that she thinks we might want, and then goes on about how her house is full of our stuff.
I moved out of home 12 years ago and usually I fly home to visit (it's on another island) but we have driven maybe 4 or 5 times, and each time my mum has made me go through the closets to take "my" things with me... then the next time there is more stuff.
I'm flying back next week to visit, and it's the first time since I brought my first home, so who knows what she will pull out that she didn't try to offload while I was renting.
I've told her many times that I can't think of a single thing that is at her house at all, so if I can't remember it it can't be important and she should throw it away. But that doesn't seem to get through to her.
At least we have trained her to give cash for presents
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Interesting to read how the stuff gets dealt with once in possession. From box, to closet, to garage, then to Goodwill. Some skip a few steps.
I know this is not PC but even new stuff, including clothes, goes right to the garbage.
I always have a bag in one of my closets for goodwill. Charities do door to door pick up here on a regular basis. Useless stuff, even new, that I receive goes immediately into the donation bag. I don't have the desire or guilt or whatever for me to hold onto stuff for even one day.
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples.
My aunt. When we were children she gave the most thoughtful gifts. Now, I kind you not, she must go to a closet & pick out something from her Home Shopping Network stash because it's usually cheaply made, nothing we've ever talked about, and in an unmarked box. For my birthday last year I received a pineapple corer/slicer thing. Like you, we eat MAYBE 2 per year. That thing went in the next donation box straight out of my house. I don't even feel guilty anymore.
I have a great aunt who does this. I think she shops from home a lot because she is bored. Her husband is a cranky old man who is wheelchair bound and does not like having to deal with it while out and about. So she is home alot, with nothing to do. She has a large and growing stash of trinkets and items from home shopping networks. She will likely never visit our home. Straight into the trash with the gifts.
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YES! My parents are big time hoarders..like bordering on qualifying for the show on A&E. Thankfully they don't keep food items and the house is clean. If you venture into the less visited areas of the house, basement, extra bedrooms, even their bedrooms...boxes/files/papers/trinkets/decor/gadgets/ are everywhere and not neatly stored. Many of these areas have a little aisle you have to turn sideways to walk though with boxes and papers and stuff piled over your head.
As for them, and my in laws giving us crap..OH YEAH! It's non stop, especially with my parents. They constantly bring over decor and knick knacks and useless stuff for our child. Like stuff that he would look at for 2 minutes and never bother with again. Decor items are constantly given to us, and my wife hates home decor stuff, and wants to spend no time nor money on it..so 99% gets given away to charity. One of the worst things is that a few years back my wife was into rabbit* decor, so of course back at the time it came up that she was into rabbit stuff and bought a rabbit mug and a cute rabbit frame, etc. Well guess what...any frickin' thing that has been for sale with a rabbit on it, has made its way to our house via my mom. Napkins, t-shits, cookie cutters, pictures, stuffed animals, flip flops, drinking glasses...they've all been here and swiftly donated. We still get this stuff TODAY, even though this was YEARS ago now. The other day after the latest rabbit item was received, my wife asked if she could post on her Facebook "I F**KING HATE RABBITS!!!" In hopes this may at least slow down the onslaught.
*I've changed the identity of the animal just in case my parents or relatives stumble on this. We love you but please stop with the junk.
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Maybe I'm just weird, but why are people so afraid of telling their parents/relatives that to not give them stuff or it ends up donated or thrown out? Are people's relationships with their parents so fragile that it couldn't take it? In my experience people would rather avoid a little argument now and instead create a HUGE problem/argument later.
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Maybe I'm just weird, but why are people so afraid of telling their parents/relatives that to not give them stuff or it ends up donated or thrown out? Are people's relationships with their parents so fragile that it couldn't take it? In my experience people would rather avoid a little argument now and instead create a HUGE problem/argument later.
A lot of these people have requested that their parents not give them stuff, or made very pointed statements about not needing things. For most of the people doing the giving, it's a way to comfort themselves. Whether buying the items is a way to handle their boredom, or they see deals and feel the need to share the "value" items they bought with everyone, or they have a psychological need to hoard, but then get embarrassed about the number of items they have so they give a few away to relatives to ease their minds. To change that kind of behavior, if a few requests to stop doing it aren't cutting it, it usually takes intervention-level discussions and actions to get it to stop. A lot of people don't think that's worth risking the relationship over.
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My parents, who are in their late 60s and early 70s, just moved to a bigger and swankier house. (yeah, I know...)
As part of the moving process, they cleared out and got rid of a phenomenal amount of crap they've been lugging around and storing for decades. My mother had something like six walk-in closets' worth of clothing, plus a sizable dresser and at least one hall closet used exclusively for sweater sets. My old bedroom was turned into storage, along with the attic, half of a 4-car garage, a fair bit of the finished basement, and multiple closets throughout the house. How two people could fill up that amount of space boggles my mind: they never let us kids leave our belongings outside our bedrooms, but they sure do love to buy crap and leave it set up at different stations throughout their house.
I'm grateful that I live in another country and did not get drafted into helping or taking any of the "perfectly good" hoardage.
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I recently found and read Captain Awkward's advice site. It really opened my eyes to how dysfunctional and/or abusive people and families work. I can completely understand now why people have some of these problems.
It's very easy to say don't take the crap, or just donate or toss it. In fact, that's my attitude. But I don't have a messed up family, I'm not dealing with family members with mental health issues (large or small), etc. I really feel bad for those dealing with this, because often there really isn't a good fix, just dealing with it. Good luck.
(I've been helping my mom clean out some, but that's 20 years of living in the same house, not hoarding.)
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My parents give me stuff I don't need for birthday and holiday gifts, but I don't think anything about it. I feel like it would be more tacky for me to give them some list of stuff I want and they just buy it for me instead of me buying it myself.
I'm always told i'm impossible to shop for. I don't know why we need to buy each other gifts when we were all independent adults, but it seems to make them happy, so I guess I just don't want to be the super stubborn guy who gives them shit for giving me things I don't need.
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My MIL has recently taken up the hobby of shopping at self-described "Junk Stores" to buy self-described "Junk."
And then give it to us for Christmas, Birthdays, or just a random. And the stuff is really just junk. Random pieces of decor or items with highly specific functions (deviled egg platter, anyone?). We have an established guilt box that we throw everything into. Once we no longer feel guilty, the item gets re-gifted appropriately if possible, but more often taken to the Goodwill.
I don't think there's much use in fighting it. It is a strange form of expressing love and it doesn't cost us anything. But it gets pretty annoying at times when we get a big "Junk Dump."
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Oh man my Father In Law totally does this.
Last year for Christmas, he gave my husband a Franklin Mint set of authentic replica Carson City gold dollars. We have no idea what to do with these - they're worthless so we can't resell them, I feel bad trying to dump them on a thrift store, and I hate generating extra trash so I'm reluctant to just throw them away.
This year for Christmas we got a whole box of crap. I got a set of costume jewelry earrings/necklace/brooch that were clearly on HSN special. Oddly they don't match any of my punk, prog rock or sci-fi t-shirts so I have nothing to wear them with. My husband got a complete set of Exacto knives, I pointed out that at least he could stab people with his gift. We also got a stack of hand-me-down books we have no interest in, a brand new pack of 10 shop towels, and a cow Christmas ornament (I haven't put up a Christmas tree in about 10 years). I guess the shop towels are potentially useful, although I usually just use old t-shirts for that sort of thing.
It really only bothers me because he doesn't have a lot of money and we keep telling him not to buy us stuff, but he does anyway.
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Yes.
My mom lives 1000 miles away and ships us box after box of junk. Shipping the stuff usually costs more than the contents of the box.
- she loves to shop at Kohls and get the 'good deals' that nobody else can find because they 'won't spend the time digging'.
- loves to shop at goodwill
- has a shopping addiction and goes shopping every. single. day.
She won't just send one book from my daughter. She'll send 50. And only 3 are worth keeping or any good. She'll send 3 Elsa costumes so that when we have play dates my daughter's friends can be Elsa too. So not only is she shopping for my kid, but all the kids in the neighborhood.
I have asked her to stop, slow down, not send so much, put price limitations on holidays, etc. But it does no good. She justifies her mental illness with needing to 'shop for us' because she's being such a good person and saving us so much money. It is the only way she can express her 'love' AND simultaneously scratch her itch. I have begged and pleaded and been angry and explained I don't need anything, this takes time away from my life and my child and I don't WANT it... but nothing helps.
Most of the stuff goes straight to goodwill or to the neighborhood facebook no buy page.
The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
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My MIL is pretty much a hoarder, and has also 'saved' tons of stuff for all her kids- and grandkids. A few items are thoughtful and definitely keepers- my husband's old brio set that he loved, for example. But most of it is junk, and out of date, or just crazy, and is thrown away or sent to goodwill shortly after they visit (as they're a 16 hour drive plus ferry ride away). Most memorably, a bunch of random and very musty tshirts from when my husband was in high school (2002 grad, given to us 2 years ago) and a book about harvesting wild mushrooms- from the 70's - with mediocre drawn illustrations - nothing wrong with it, but we aren't in the habit of going out to glean food from outlying wilderness as we live in the middle of a large city - did not even cover the geographical area we live in
Pretty much every time we see them, we end up with another box of stuff to mostly discard.
And, FIL knows we get rid of most of it, and is totally fine with it- he wants it out of his house too :)
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
I wonder how she'd respond if you consistently said "I don't know; I threw it away."
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
Yeah, I go through that. Mom treats me as a garbage can for the things she can't bear to throw away. Clothes from the 60's (or even earlier) that won't come close to fitting anyone here, absolutely ancient kitchen spices, etc.
I ignore and toss all of the random newspaper and magazine clippings she sends (mostly photos she liked) but I make a point to call and say thank you when I get a box of other items. The last time we talked she admonished me because she sent another box of randomness (used books, all very out of date/worn, some in foreign languages we don't know) and she said the kids had not sent her "proper thank you cards" in the mail. Um, I thought I called you and said thank you right when we got it? Then she scolded me that I had said thank you but the kids needed to mail her thank you cards because some of it was for them. Uh, okay, veering into crazy old lady territory. News flash: they probably didn't even see what was in that box because I was pretty certain none of it would interest them, and they don't use snail mail for . . . anything.
I'm secretly really hoping that she'll be so insulted by the lack of "proper thank you cards" that she'll stop sending me stuff. And then she'll be all self-righteous about it, and that will be fine.
I've made it a point to fly us all out to visit her every single year. She hasn't visited us here in many years even though she is perfectly able-bodied (I've lived here 23 years and she's come here three times: once for my wedding, once for the birth of a baby, and most recently 9 years ago she drove through here on a ramble all over the US.) We don't want her random cast offs, and honestly she's at the point where she's mean and nasty to my kids at least as often as she is pleasant, and I just want to tell her to bugger off. But she's my Mom, and that wouldn't be very nice, so I don't do that. I bite my tongue. There is a good chance I'm not going to spend all of my money and vacation time on visiting her this year, though.
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It's pretty annoying at Christmas time - even my oldest brother has gotten into giving us "crap" but it's more along the lines of "crap" that I might actually like or find cool LOL. My wife gets angry because we typically hand out gift cards and we just get crap in exchange (not that that's what Christmas about but c'mon now, we all have a little of that in us I'm sure hahaha!). On the other hand, my parents usually do end up just writing us checks for relatively substantial amounts and giving them to us tucked in the cards - my mom will say things like "this is to cover your flight home" or "this is to cover your flight in Texas when we go there next summer" etc.
My mom also *loves* buying candy on sale. She'll get in on the post-Halloween and post-Easter sales and will bring down bags of fun-size candy bars she got for free or less than a buck at CVS, etc. My wife gets pretty upset because she knows I'll start eating them and has had to escalate her "no thanks" response to "no thanks. i don't want your son getting diabetes" since my mom will keep bringing that stuff regardless if she just gets a simple "no thanks" response (and she still brings that junk, but it's to an even lesser extent). Their motto is "oh it's okay once in a while!" yea - like how they eat hamburgers from In and Out every other day despite my dad having triple-bypass surgery back in 2010/2011... I guess they're enjoying life. That reminds me, I need to start exercising again. It doesn't help when they're here - our fridge/freezer gets packed to the brim and I'm pretty sure my waist gets bigger, as a result.
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Tip for anyone deaccessioning unwanted gifts, if you'd like to try a person-to-person approach
http://buynothingproject.org/find-a-group/
https://www.freecycle.org/
https://nextdoor.com/amazon/?r=pngxqu [ referral link; I get an Amazon gift card if anyone joins and starts a new neighborhood group ]
Your local Buy Nothing group or Freecycle or a post on local bulletin board site NextDoor can take some of this problem off your hands.
FIL gave us four Star Wars blankets for Christmas. Two of them just went to a single mom whose five-year-old loves the Dark Side via our citywide Buy Nothing group. I stuffed them in a Celebrity Cruises Laundry Bag that MIL gave me last time we saw them.
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My MIL is 90, FIL died a couple of years ago, and they raised 5 kids in a house they lived in for 50 years. She didn't buy a huge amount of stuff, but she never threw anything out. I'm trying to get her house ready to put on the market. Her kids are in their 60s and 50s. She still had tons of their childhood sporting equipment, every piece of clothing she ever bought for herself, junk they inherited from a relative who had a farm, including a ton of not very well done, stained, embroidered linens. FIL subscribed to some service like Bradford Exchange that sent new packaged sets of coins and stamps on a monthly basis. She is going to be in much smaller quarters and we all have houses of our own with too much stuff.
We have spent the better part of a year trying to get rid of crap and she keeps pointing to everything and saying "But this has to stay in the family." Nobody in the family wants this crap. I am so sick of it. It is making me throw out so much stuff of my own because I don't want to do that to my kids.
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We have spent the better part of a year trying to get rid of crap and she keeps pointing to everything and saying "But this has to stay in the family." Nobody in the family wants this crap. I am so sick of it. It is making me throw out so much stuff of my own because I don't want to do that to my kids.
That whole "stay in the family" attitude is such a curse when it comes to worthless crap.
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Wow. Who knew this was such a common problem?
We get worthless crap from my parents all the time. It goes to the thrift store.
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Two words: "YARD SALE"
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Two words: "YARD SALE"
Well yeah, but a yard sale is a whole lot of work that one didn't ask for, for very uncertain return. I'd really rather not have the crap foisted on me to begin with.
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Two words: "YARD SALE"
Well yeah, but a yard sale is a whole lot of work that one didn't ask for, for very uncertain return. I'd really rather not have the crap foisted on me to begin with.
I don't want to give up my whole weekend (plus more) for $100.
I'd rather donate or give away free and write it off.
If I do have an 'expensive' item, I'd just craigslist it.
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We have this problem with my in-laws. Some of it just plain junk that we offload to Goodwill almost immediately upon coming home (jokey aprons, kitchen gadgets and cookbooks), but some is pricey stuff like a collection of silverware that my MIL insists on gifting us pieces of at Christmas. This is despite us having told her that we did not want silver when we got married as it wouldn't get used and it was a big hassle with the upkeep. Not sure what to do with it so it lives in our closet.
Maybe this post will be helpful to you, if it is Sterling and not silverplate. That post motivated me to find a similar place for a bunch of school rings that my MIL insisted my hubby buy, and of course, he has never worn them. (she paid for the HS one, guilted him into paying for the college one). Between those two rings and a few other small items, we netted just over $1K! We were both shocked, and grateful that during our recent move, we didn't just go with our first instinct to toss them in the trash.
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/08/22/how_to_sell_silver/
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I've seen and experienced this kind of behavior. My wife had to clean out the house of a hoarder, a good friend of hers, when the house was condemned by the city, then manage her affairs. Comparable to the worst of the houses I've ever seen on Hoarders, no working kitchen, only running water a hose in the back yard, etc.
What I've seen is these people have a very strong desire to accumulate stuff, and a very strong attachment to their stuff, so strong that the only way they can part with it is to give it to someone they also have a strong attachment to. So, loved ones, don't expect them to end this habit any time soon, the upside is that it means they love you. They may not express it the way you would like, but they do. There is, I think, also an element of "I shouldn't buy anything more for myself, but it is ok to buy it as a gift for someone else.", my wife has some of this, though fortunately is also ruthless about cleaning things out, especially after the experience with her friend.
Since you can't change them, you can only change your reaction to it. My suggestion, which we've used with some friends who were in the habit of giving us stuff we didn't want, was to make a deal with them. Any gifts we gave each other that weren't things specifically requested, the receiver could do whatever they wanted with them. Regift, donate, etc. It softens the blow somewhat if you make this a 2-way deal, even if you don't ever plan to give them useless crap like they do you. :) Then you can donate guilt-free, and remind them of the deal if they ask you what happened to that amazing avocado peeler.
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My father was a full on hoarder. He was obsessed with buying things on clearance, garage/yard sales, and hitting up Big Lots or scratch/dent places. He often would buy things "for his kids" except neither of his kids (my sibling and me) wanted any of the crap he'd buy, so he'd just keep it and add it onto the piles.
My old bedroom was mostly new items still in bags that had been slung into the partially open door. He never used 90% of what he bought.
His weaknesses were food (he'd buy clearance food, but then leave it to rot), clothing (I found one garbage bag full of Axe Body Spray teeshirts - WTF?), and household goods (towels, dishes, blankets, lamps) oh, and golf stuff. We donated hundreds of golf clubs and over 30 golf bags.
He used to give me "presents" of this junk. I kept telling him I wasn't keeping it and would give it away as soon as possible and he'd get angry with me because it was "valuable stuff" he found for me. Wouldn't stop him from using "I bought this for you" as an excuse to buy more crap.
I'm lucky in that I lived several states away and he was also too cheap to mail me anything (sometimes even a birthday card) so I never had to deal with the crap once I started flying home since I couldn't take junk back with me on a plane.
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Speaking of popcorn, we've been making it on the stove in a regular pot (a deep saute pan or 5qt dutch oven seems to work out well for a cup of kernels). It's really easy to do, and will save you on the space a popcorn maker takes up :)
I'm assuming you do that on low heat with some (a Tbsp?) oil. About how long? Do you have to watch it pretty carefully? I'm open to eliminating kitchen appliances if we can replicate the result with similar effort!
Heat enough oil to just cover the bottom of the pan over medium heat (usually I add 2-3 kernels initially, the oil is hot enough when one pops). Add popcorn to cover the base of the pan in a single layer. Cover and shake vigorously over heat to coat kernels in hot oil until kernels start poping. Vent lid to allow steam to escape. Leave on heat while popcorn pops rapidly, remove promptly when poping slows to once every 2-3 seconds. This is how we did it growing up. We always just poped the popcorn in butter instead of adding it later. My wife and I now usually pop in coconut oil in our Whirly Pop (it is used so much it stays on the stove nearly all the time).
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
I wonder how she'd respond if you consistently said "I don't know; I threw it away."
My mom buys a lot of worthless junk. After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can you find a way to meet their needs and yours?
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After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can you find a way to meet their needs and yours?
This is exactly like my mom. I wish she didn't have such a deep-seated need to make other people happy, but she does, so I try to find ways to channel that so that her giving is genuinely helpful. And I give back in the ways that make her happy, as well, especially lots of thanks and spending time with her. I love her, so what else could I do? :-)
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After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can you find a way to meet their needs and yours?
This is exactly like my mom. I wish she didn't have such a deep-seated need to make other people happy, but she does, so I try to find ways to channel that so that her giving is genuinely helpful. And I give back in the ways that make her happy, as well, especially lots of thanks and spending time with her. I love her, so what else could I do? :-)
Don't take this personally, but IMO she doesn't have a deep-seated need to make people happy. She's chasing a way to make herself happy by doing what she thinks would accomplish that but the satisfaction is less than she needs and she keeps chasing it getting diminishing returns. Most parents talked about here are most likely bored, unfulfilled and lack a good outlet. If most of these parents were not indulged in their destructive behavior they may actually have a chance to find something that does make them happy, instead they keep doing the same behavior expecting different results.
It's the same thing with people that buy things because they think it makes them happy (instead of addressing the real problems in their lives) and when the "high" is fleeting they keep chasing it forever until they are destitute.
Anyway, just my 2c.
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After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can you find a way to meet their needs and yours?
This is exactly like my mom. I wish she didn't have such a deep-seated need to make other people happy, but she does, so I try to find ways to channel that so that her giving is genuinely helpful. And I give back in the ways that make her happy, as well, especially lots of thanks and spending time with her. I love her, so what else could I do? :-)
Don't take this personally, but IMO she doesn't have a deep-seated need to make people happy. She's chasing a way to make herself happy by doing what she thinks would accomplish that but the satisfaction is less than she needs and she keeps chasing it getting diminishing returns. Most parents talked about here are most likely bored, unfulfilled and lack a good outlet. If most of these parents were not indulged in their destructive behavior they may actually have a chance to find something that does make them happy, instead they keep doing the same behavior expecting different results.
It's the same thing with people that buy things because they think it makes them happy (instead of addressing the real problems in their lives) and when the "high" is fleeting they keep chasing it forever until they are destitute.
Anyway, just my 2c.
That could be very true, though my mom's not truly the hoarder/junk type. She just consistently buys too much fresh produce and cooks large batch meals that are too much for her to use up, so I get the benefit of lots of free fruit, vegetables, and tasty dinners for reheating through the work-week. My dad, on the other hand, can't seem to get rid of anything. He assigns such value to objects, especially things of his deceased family members and his favorite sports team. When I had to help the parents clean out the family house of 30 years so that they could sell it on a short timetable, my dad kept too much and had to put some in storage. Even things that belonged to us kids and we said we wanted to get rid of it, he kept anyway -- e.g., my brother said he did not want his Little League trophies and such, but my dad insisted that one day my brother will want them. Oh yeah, my dad also kept his graveyard of old computers and printers that "one day" he will either get running again or "donate" to charity (uh, I don't think they want a computer from 1995).
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After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can you find a way to meet their needs and yours?
This is exactly like my mom. I wish she didn't have such a deep-seated need to make other people happy, but she does, so I try to find ways to channel that so that her giving is genuinely helpful. And I give back in the ways that make her happy, as well, especially lots of thanks and spending time with her. I love her, so what else could I do? :-)
Don't take this personally, but IMO she doesn't have a deep-seated need to make people happy. She's chasing a way to make herself happy by doing what she thinks would accomplish that but the satisfaction is less than she needs and she keeps chasing it getting diminishing returns. Most parents talked about here are most likely bored, unfulfilled and lack a good outlet. If most of these parents were not indulged in their destructive behavior they may actually have a chance to find something that does make them happy, instead they keep doing the same behavior expecting different results.
It's the same thing with people that buy things because they think it makes them happy (instead of addressing the real problems in their lives) and when the "high" is fleeting they keep chasing it forever until they are destitute.
Anyway, just my 2c.
I think some of what you say is true, especially the unfulfilled part, but we've spent years not indulging her and it didn't change anything. My mom has many things that she does to keep herself happy and because she doesn't have the life she wanted she tries to fill it with friends, activities, children, and yes...even things. In this case, it's not destructive, it's constructive for the most part and the minor annoyance of getting a few extra crap presents in my xmas stocking each year can be overlooked because she does it with kindness. There is really very little effort needed on my part to make her feel good - so I'll continue to do that with the hope that when she's gone, I won't feel terribly guilty for not having done even more.
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My parents give me stuff I don't need for birthday and holiday gifts, but I don't think anything about it. I feel like it would be more tacky for me to give them some list of stuff I want and they just buy it for me instead of me buying it myself.
I'm always told i'm impossible to shop for. I don't know why we need to buy each other gifts when we were all independent adults, but it seems to make them happy, so I guess I just don't want to be the super stubborn guy who gives them shit for giving me things I don't need.
that isn't tacky, it's considerate. Unless you're unlucky, in which case good luck. My mom demands a list every year.
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My parents give me stuff I don't need for birthday and holiday gifts, but I don't think anything about it. I feel like it would be more tacky for me to give them some list of stuff I want and they just buy it for me instead of me buying it myself.
I'm always told i'm impossible to shop for. I don't know why we need to buy each other gifts when we were all independent adults, but it seems to make them happy, so I guess I just don't want to be the super stubborn guy who gives them shit for giving me things I don't need.
that isn't tacky, it's considerate. Unless you're unlucky, in which case good luck. My mom demands a list every year.
My in-laws maintain a Google Doc with links to everybody's Amazon wishlist, Steam wishlist, Good Old Games wishlist, Deviant Art wishlist...
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I am shocked, really shocked, at what I have read on this thread.
You people have been given so much that you are now 'too good' for the best efforts of others.
No grattitude, no, you guys are annoyed. Man, I can tell you that many people have not had the luxury of getting uppitty that the GIFTS given them were inferior.
I am certain that the universe will deliver enough genuine want to your lives in the future to correct your distress at abundance. It usually does.
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I am shocked, really shocked, at what I have read on this thread.
You people have been given so much that you are now 'too good' for the best efforts of others.
You people? Hmm...
No grattitude, no, you guys are annoyed. Man, I can tell you that many people have not had the luxury of getting uppitty that the GIFTS given them were inferior.
Nope, no grattitude, but we do have gratitude. Also, none of us are uppitty, though I suppose it's possible some are uppity.
I am certain that the universe will deliver enough genuine want to your lives in the future to correct your distress at abundance. It usually does.
Yes, we will have genuine wants and abundant distress! Huh?
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And all this crap destroys the plant, that's why it sucks.
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My Mother in Law practically cried the other day when we were getting the apartment packed up (in the process of moving to a house less than 2 miles from my work!!). I had four or five large boxes of stuff and she was going through them and trying to tell me why I might someday need _____.
I just kept reminding her that I had plenty of other stuff and I hadn't used most of this stuff since before we moved to that place. She was distressed at this idea, even though I didn't get rid of ANYTHING she had ever given us. She wanted to take all the boxes home with her to keep "just in case"...
I love her to death, but I definitely was surprised at how attached to THINGS she was and how deeply she worried about my well-being when it came to those things I never touch.
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My mother is a hoarder for sure. Not as bad as on the TV show but every single cupboard is full to bursting. She has 5 dinner sets and just piles and piles of neglected hobbies as well as books that no one reads and knickknacks galore. When anyone suggests getting rid of any of it, she gets defensive. My dad has resorted to sneakily throwing stuff out. My mother buys more and hides it from him.
My MIL is also cut from the same cloth. They have a townhouse bursting full of stuff including magazines from the 1970's and ancient kids' toys. Their garage is so full of junk that the cars need to be parked outside.
In both cases, I dread the clearing out that will need to happen one day. It makes me do regular throw outs at my house :)
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In both cases, I dread the clearing out that will need to happen one day. It makes me do regular throw outs at my house :)
Right?! If I ever lose the urge to clean up, I think about what some poor soul might have to deal with if something were to happen to me... then I get it all thinned out!!! =)
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My wife's grandfather died a few years back, and we were given much of the odds and ends that were in his workshop. There were some really good antique tools and many things we have made good use of, but there was also his supply of screws and nails.
Throughout his life, whenever something went in the trash, gramps would disassemble it and save the nails and screws. I have jars and jars of old rusty bent nails and slot head screws. Specialty hardware and strange fasteners. Stuff I have no idea what it does or where it goes. All this knick-knackery that really ought to go in the trash.
But... When I built a chicken coop, I never paid a cent for nails - I used up the old ones gramps passed along, and every now and then I find a need for an oddball fastener and if I dump out a couple coffee cans, there is usually something I can use in the bottom of one of them. And when I refinished an antique piece, I'll be damned if the same (cursed) flathead-slot screws weren't there in one of the jars.
So I won't throw out the 'junk' we inherited from him, despite it filling an entire shelf in my workroom. And I've added a few nuts and bolts of my own to the collection.
But gawd I hope I've used up this stuff before I die so my kids don't think its important to pass along to my grandkids.
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My MIL is always trying to unload cheap crap on me. She isn't a hoarder, but loves finding "deals". She will go to 5 and below and find a bunch of cheap stuff for me or the kids, trinkets and cheap clothes mostly. I keep telling her I don't need it but she still just love to give people stuff. Every year for XMas she will just buy stuff that no one needs. I think I am going to take my daughter's example. None of the clothes my MIL bought her were to her taste or fit her, so she asked her to return it all and donate to a charity instead.
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I've noticed a difference in the buying habits of two people who both buy too much stuff.
My mom: "Ohhh, I think Sally might get a kick out of that...let me buy it for her." (Sees an item that is slightly humorous and wants to share it)
My Aunt: "hmmm... what can I buy here? That lamp is lovely, but where would I put it?" (Almost a compulsion to purchase things, even when she realizes it's unneeded.
The bad part is when they get together to go shopping.
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My MIL used to be the worst. In her case she wanted to "take care of" her son even though he was already a grown up and managing to make it to Target on his own just fine if he need a bottle of stain spray or whatever.
She then started buying loads of cheap shit for our kids. Like, whatever her budget for a holiday was, she would rather go buy 50$ worth of cheap crap from Walmart than buy 1 50$ present. OMFG.
Eventually my SIL and niece moved in with MIL, and MIL's house (which started off as full but not hoarder-y) overflowed with all of SIL's stuff, and 5 billion toys for niece since SIL refuses to get rid of outgrown ones. Now MIL finally gets it- she got each kid one small thing for xmas, and then gave them 50$ cash for their college accounts. Hallelujah!
But don't worry, she still has a closet of "things for H from when he was a kid". So far we have held her off. When she dies, though, I have a feeling I am going to end up with 30 year old baseball cards or something.
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I am shocked, really shocked, at what I have read on this thread.
You people have been given so much that you are now 'too good' for the best efforts of others.
No grattitude, no, you guys are annoyed. Man, I can tell you that many people have not had the luxury of getting uppitty that the GIFTS given them were inferior.
I am certain that the universe will deliver enough genuine want to your lives in the future to correct your distress at abundance. It usually does.
For the record, no I am not grateful. I'm not grateful that my elderly parents will never be able to retire because they spend all their money on junk. I'm not grateful for growing up in a house that had minimal room to walk or sit in because of all the junk (and no potable water, but that's another story). I'm not grateful for all the times in my life when they acted like that their junk was more important than their children. I'm not grateful to receive their junk and having to spend my time disposing of it simply because they can't throw crap away. I'm certainly not grateful for the mess of crap I'm going to have to sort through somehow when they die.
I usually try not to make assumptions, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you've not experienced dealing with a parent's mental illness. If that's the case, I'd suggest taking your self-satisfied, righteous indignation elsewhere. The rest of "us people" are going to get back to bitching about receiving crap thinly veiled as "gifts."
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But don't worry, she still has a closet of "things for H from when he was a kid". So far we have held her off. When she dies, though, I have a feeling I am going to end up with 30 year old baseball cards or something.
Several people have mentioned unwanted stuff from their childhood that their parents are saving for them. The best way to deal with this is not to refuse it, but to TAKE it. Take all those boxes of baseball cards and baby shoes and report cards. Then throw them out. You'll be free of it, and no one will have to deal with it later.
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Yes, the right answer would be to take it and dispose of it yourself. But what do you propose doing when you live on the other side of the country? There is simply not much else we can do other than say NO we do not want/need it. Please donate or trash it. I have had intentions of sitting and going through it with them as that's probably the right thing to do in our case. But that would take a lot of hours over several days and we only visit every other year for a limited time. I guess one day I should step up to the plate, book a longer vacation, and actually do it. Maybe this year?
For the record, my in-laws are not on the level of hoarding or mental illness. I think they bargain shop at thrift and bargain stores as stress relief or a hobby. I mainly get annoyed by the whole wastefulness of it all. I know they mean well and they send us stuff from time to time to fill the void of not being able to see us. But shipping a box of books you got for a dollar each at goodwill across the freaking country multiple times a year is crazy to me. Especially because they will send the same book multiple times! Also, it took 10 years of living away from home for them to visit us. DH always had a sore spot that they never made the effort. They complain about money and not being able to retire all the time. If they had maybe not shipped all those books over 10 years they likely would have enough money for bought plane tickets.
@MayDay - We actually did receive a package with boxes of 30 year old baseball cards unopened this year. Now they sit on a shelf in the closet and DH will not let me get rid of them. So I guess we will continually move them from apt to apt until we die or survive a fire.
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My parents hoarded money and sent it to me on occasion. I dealt with it.
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@MayDay - We actually did receive a package with boxes of 30 year old baseball cards unopened this year. Now they sit on a shelf in the closet and DH will not let me get rid of them. So I guess we will continually move them from apt to apt until we die or survive a fire.
This is why we haven't bit the bullet. Because H doesn't really want to throw them away.
I'd throw them away in a hot second.
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@MayDay - We actually did receive a package with boxes of 30 year old baseball cards unopened this year. Now they sit on a shelf in the closet and DH will not let me get rid of them. So I guess we will continually move them from apt to apt until we die or survive a fire.
This is why we haven't bit the bullet. Because H doesn't really want to throw them away.
I'd throw them away in a hot second.
LOL this is my brother. He and my dad actually tried to start a 'business' out of the garage selling baseball cards. It was a huge flop. There are tons of boxes of unopened baseball cards in my parents' garage. My brother has no room to take them in because he has so much crap himself. It's pretty ridiculous. He won't get rid of the cards either because there might be (and probably are) some in there worth hundreds of dollars or more. I say rip em open, go through them all, find the rarities and ebay em :) Then ebay the rest of them per the box (I wonder if they qualify to ship via Media mail) If he doesn't want to do it, I would.
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Yes, the right answer would be to take it and dispose of it yourself. But what do you propose doing when you live on the other side of the country? There is simply not much else we can do other than say NO we do not want/need it. Please donate or trash it. I have had intentions of sitting and going through it with them as that's probably the right thing to do in our case. But that would take a lot of hours over several days and we only visit every other year for a limited time. I guess one day I should step up to the plate, book a longer vacation, and actually do it. Maybe this year?
I also live across the country from my parents. When they remodeled the house, they packed up all the stuff we kids had left there and shipped it to us. But (a) they could afford to, and (b) it was a few cartons of papers and things. If you're talking about tons of stuff, or stuff that doesn't fit into a regular box, then yeah, you have to go through it and discard.
I would suggest NOT having them with you when you go through it, because they will want you to keep everything. Could you ask them to pull out any stuff that they, themselves, want to keep (baby pictures or whatever)? Then one of you get them out of the house while the other goes through the stuff ruthlessly. Take the discards to trash/donation right away. Then wait for the storm to blow over.
You have the right to dispose of your own stuff. If they want to keep something, it becomes *their* stuff. You can't let them hang on to things while they continue claiming that it's yours.
They won't be happy about it--but there are no magic words to make them happy. Either you do something to change the situation, or it will continue the same way. They will adjust, or die mad. Sorry, I know it sucks.
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Yes, sending your kids their treasures to store themselves works really well. I kept it in storage for them (mom, you keep this for me until I get a place of my own), but unloaded that to them immedately when they got to their own place! My mom made distribution on all of her valuables in the 2 years before she died and got rid of the rest in a major downsizing so that when she died there was not a big pile of life accumulation to go through.
Like one of the previous posters, my mom and mother in law sent care packages of green paper with presidential portraits on them. Oh, also meat for the freezer. Oh yeah, also fresh bread and rasberry deserts...dang, now I need some rasberry dessert.
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My Grandma. Oh it makes me so sad! A lot of it is practical stuff that I could use. And I've gotten ballsier about just getting rid of what I can't use, thanks to KonMarie. Honestly, she was born in '33, so I think it's just the Depression era mindset. She's always always told me (and her mother told her), "Take care of what you have, or you'll never have anything new, because you'll always be replacing the old". And this is a generation that had formal dining ware for parties, and "silver" to polish. It's funny how rich we are now, relatively speaking, in material goods, that we're able to be "minimalist". Whereas in her day, they probably didn't have a lot of stuff and wanted to accumulate.
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We sure do get crap we dont need. I dont like a lot of stuff personally. I hate clutter. However stuff and having lots of stuff is very important to the person that gives it to us. So it is an act of love. I just say thank you and later get rid of it if it is something we will never use.
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Parental units came for dinner last night.
My Mom sits our 7yr old on the couch and tells him she has something VERY IMPORTANT for him. Looks him in the eye and tells him she NEEDS him to do something special for her, then out from her purse comes her past three years used Christmas cards.
The VERY IMPORTANT task is that he is to cut out the pictures on each card and make a beautiful collage for her. She then sits with him and goes through each card individually telling him how important each of her friends is and showing how people who REALLY care send her Christmas cards. We don't send cards. By the end the kid thinks he has Solomon's treasure, and we have a project we don't want. As she goes out the door, she says to just throw out the collage when he's done, its the doing that matters, not the outcome.
We just threw out all our cards last week. Now we have three years worth of hers to toss. Nice.
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My sister-in-law lost her shit at TG dinner and started venting to her in-laws (which are also my in-laws) about all the "junk" they're using to fill up her home. My in-laws--graciously--responded with very compact gift cards, experiential gifts, etc., for Christmas.
When sister-in-law returned from celebrating Christmas with her own parents, however, there were Two of those little electric cars that toddlers drive all over. I guess one person's junk is another person's treasure.
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The last time we talked she admonished me because she sent another box of randomness (used books, all very out of date/worn, some in foreign languages we don't know) and she said the kids had not sent her "proper thank you cards" in the mail. Um, I thought I called you and said thank you right when we got it? Then she scolded me that I had said thank you but the kids needed to mail her thank you cards because some of it was for them. Uh, okay, veering into crazy old lady territory. News flash: they probably didn't even see what was in that box because I was pretty certain none of it would interest them, and they don't use snail mail for . . . anything.
Oh geez - the requisite thank you card. My mother is the same way. I could give her a thank you, a kiss on the cheek and a phone call and I'd still be getting hints that I need to send that ridiculous thank you card. I've come to believe it's more about her making me do something (control) than the thanks.
Years ago when I went to visit my grandmother she served me birthday cake. As she walked out of the room I asked whose birthday it was - she replied that it was a piece of my birthday cake from when I was three years old! (23+ year old cake!)
I nearly choked and threw it out the door while she was out of the room. of course she offered me a second piece which I politely declined. Apparently frozen in the deep freeze all those years. Wonder how many power outages it weathered? ;)
Miss Havisham comes to mind every time I think of that cake.
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We have this problem with my in-laws. Some of it just plain junk that we offload to Goodwill almost immediately upon coming home (jokey aprons, kitchen gadgets and cookbooks), but some is pricey stuff like a collection of silverware that my MIL insists on gifting us pieces of at Christmas. This is despite us having told her that we did not want silver when we got married as it wouldn't get used and it was a big hassle with the upkeep. Not sure what to do with it so it lives in our closet.
We have two sets of china and one set of silver. We'll never use it. Ever. I'm in my 40s and have never, ever eaten off of China and maybe once with silver. We're just not formal people. Never aspired to be. I know my grandparents' generations were all about achieving a China set and silver.
We'll wait a few more years and maybe re-home it. No desire to have a garage sale. Don't want strangers on my property and certainly don't want them gazing at the other contents of our garage. Good way to invite a robbery around here.
I need to re-read this thread and then rush around the house piling things by the back door that are going away immediately.
We too have the 4500 unopened baseball cards someone gave us. Might be worth something. And it might not. Not sure I have the motivation to search through them to see. All 1990s cards.
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Parental units came for dinner last night.
My Mom sits our 7yr old on the couch and tells him she has something VERY IMPORTANT for him. Looks him in the eye and tells him she NEEDS him to do something special for her, then out from her purse comes her past three years used Christmas cards.
The VERY IMPORTANT task is that he is to cut out the pictures on each card and make a beautiful collage for her. She then sits with him and goes through each card individually telling him how important each of her friends is and showing how people who REALLY care send her Christmas cards. We don't send cards. By the end the kid thinks he has Solomon's treasure, and we have a project we don't want. As she goes out the door, she says to just throw out the collage when he's done, its the doing that matters, not the outcome.
We just threw out all our cards last week. Now we have three years worth of hers to toss. Nice.
You know, mother or no, I'd be reminding this person that she sees her grandchild entirely at my discretion.
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I was reading that expecting her to sit there make the collage with him for an afternoon. Sad.
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Parental units came for dinner last night.
My Mom sits our 7yr old on the couch and tells him she has something VERY IMPORTANT for him. Looks him in the eye and tells him she NEEDS him to do something special for her, then out from her purse comes her past three years used Christmas cards.
The VERY IMPORTANT task is that he is to cut out the pictures on each card and make a beautiful collage for her. She then sits with him and goes through each card individually telling him how important each of her friends is and showing how people who REALLY care send her Christmas cards. We don't send cards. By the end the kid thinks he has Solomon's treasure, and we have a project we don't want. As she goes out the door, she says to just throw out the collage when he's done, its the doing that matters, not the outcome.
We just threw out all our cards last week. Now we have three years worth of hers to toss. Nice.
You know, mother or no, I'd be reminding this person that she sees her grandchild entirely at my discretion.
We've been scheming. How much does it cost to mail a glitter-heavy collage packed in confetti?
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Be sure to put some glitter between the box and the brown paper wrapper so she gets it everywhere... ;)
"You get what you give" I've always been told. My paternal grandparents gave us alot of their time. We adored them. My maternal grandparents less so we were never as close.
Grandparents don't figure very heavily in our kids' minds b/c neither set spends alot of one on one time with our kids. Sort of sad to me b/c my paternal grandparents were so important to me.
I'd like our kids to have that close relationship with their own grandparents. Ain't going to happen though.
My wife and I make up for that as much as we can with family outings and time together at home.
Edited: 'cause I never, ever get my posts right the first six times...
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Parental units came for dinner last night.
My Mom sits our 7yr old on the couch and tells him she has something VERY IMPORTANT for him. Looks him in the eye and tells him she NEEDS him to do something special for her, then out from her purse comes her past three years used Christmas cards.
The VERY IMPORTANT task is that he is to cut out the pictures on each card and make a beautiful collage for her. She then sits with him and goes through each card individually telling him how important each of her friends is and showing how people who REALLY care send her Christmas cards. We don't send cards. By the end the kid thinks he has Solomon's treasure, and we have a project we don't want. As she goes out the door, she says to just throw out the collage when he's done, its the doing that matters, not the outcome.
We just threw out all our cards last week. Now we have three years worth of hers to toss. Nice.
You know, mother or no, I'd be reminding this person that she sees her grandchild entirely at my discretion.
We've been scheming. How much does it cost to mail a glitter-heavy collage packed in confetti?
Worth it at any cost.
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We have this problem with my in-laws. Some of it just plain junk that we offload to Goodwill almost immediately upon coming home (jokey aprons, kitchen gadgets and cookbooks), but some is pricey stuff like a collection of silverware that my MIL insists on gifting us pieces of at Christmas. This is despite us having told her that we did not want silver when we got married as it wouldn't get used and it was a big hassle with the upkeep. Not sure what to do with it so it lives in our closet.
We have two sets of china and one set of silver. We'll never use it. Ever. I'm in my 40s and have never, ever eaten off of China and maybe once with silver. We're just not formal people. Never aspired to be. I know my grandparents' generations were all about achieving a China set and silver.
We'll wait a few more years and maybe re-home it. No desire to have a garage sale. Don't want strangers on my property and certainly don't want them gazing at the other contents of our garage. Good way to invite a robbery around here.
I need to re-read this thread and then rush around the house piling things by the back door that are going away immediately.
We too have the 4500 unopened baseball cards someone gave us. Might be worth something. And it might not. Not sure I have the motivation to search through them to see. All 1990s cards.
This one is for all the people out there with a boxes of baseball cards, or other large hoards of similar items with some "potential" street value. Due to some weird family drama issues, hubby and his brother were not raised as siblings, but rather lied to and raised as cousins. Who happen to be spitting images of one another. They figured out their true relationship when they were in their teens, but this has created a dynamic of wishing they had grown up together, a totally normal reaction. Hubby is the younger one, so he had a phase where he was modeling after his brother. Elder brother had a gas station toy collection, and hubby adopted the same, so they could both bond over it. Hubby had to play catch up, and on top of that, decided that these items would only go up in value, so he bought many items in duplicate or triplicate. Pre-mustachian times.
Older brother has long moved on from his collection, and at our last move, we found ourselves with a massive collection that wasn't worth anywhere near what we paid for it, and we had no desire to lug this stuff to another house. We were also short on time with the move quickly approaching, and selling these items piecemeal would be quite the undertaking.
A neighbor approached me about his side hustle - selling other people's crap on Ebay. Since this collection was both large and in pristine condition, he volunteered to sell it all, for 1/3rd of the sale price, and his cut would include all fees. He normally takes a 40% cut. I had done the math, and between Ebay & PayPal fees alone, it would cost me at least 25%, not including the hassle of finding shipping boxes, packaging everything well, etc. It took him about a year to sell off every last thing, but it was totally worth it to not have to deal with that mess, and getting monthly checks to dump straight into savings was a great feeling too.
I highly recommend y'all find your local eBay re-seller and negotiate a deal with them to offload these collections on your behalf. You could make a little more by going the DIY route, but if its just sitting in storage collecting dust, this is by far a better option.
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Crap, so my mom is Facetiming with my wife and kids and she just said "So I scored a 90% Easter deal at CVS - we have lots of presents to give the baby" --- really not looking forward to all the crap and candy they'll be bringing in... well, the only exception is if she brings Cadbury Mini Eggs. But no, we don't need Easter baskets, bunny ears headbands, stuffed bunnies, etc and all the other crap the store couldn't sell that you were suckered into buying because you saw "90% off". She even said that the manager was saying to her "I understand the candy but why all this other junk?" to which she 'wittingly' responded "You mean the the junk that you need to clear off your shelves?" ...good one, mom. She's obviously addicted to shopping and getting good deals, as if it were a favorite past-time. I mean, I get the adrenaline rush of getting a good deal but come on, 90% off on JUNK? It's the same thing as binge shopping at the 99-cent store.
Anyway, we're probably going to just throw most of her junk into the Goodwill bin and drop it off after they leave.
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The last time we talked she admonished me because she sent another box of randomness (used books, all very out of date/worn, some in foreign languages we don't know) and she said the kids had not sent her "proper thank you cards" in the mail. Um, I thought I called you and said thank you right when we got it? Then she scolded me that I had said thank you but the kids needed to mail her thank you cards because some of it was for them. Uh, okay, veering into crazy old lady territory. News flash: they probably didn't even see what was in that box because I was pretty certain none of it would interest them, and they don't use snail mail for . . . anything.
Oh geez - the requisite thank you card. My mother is the same way. I could give her a thank you, a kiss on the cheek and a phone call and I'd still be getting hints that I need to send that ridiculous thank you card. I've come to believe it's more about her making me do something (control) than the thanks.
Years ago when I went to visit my grandmother she served me birthday cake. As she walked out of the room I asked whose birthday it was - she replied that it was a piece of my birthday cake from when I was three years old! (23+ year old cake!)
I nearly choked and threw it out the door while she was out of the room. of course she offered me a second piece which I politely declined. Apparently frozen in the deep freeze all those years. Wonder how many power outages it weathered? ;)
Miss Havisham comes to mind every time I think of that cake.
"I've come to believe it's more about her making me do something (control) than the thanks."
Actually, I never really thought about it that way, but I think you have hit the nail right on the head. I have refused to play the card game. I send neither Christmas cards nor thank you cards. I do say thank you on the phone. I do send her a Mother's Day card with photos and also send flowers. Children do not care either way as they honestly barely know her and think she is mostly mean . . . which is mostly true. The last time she came to visit us was 10 years ago. We fly to see her pretty much every year, but there are other people around for distractions. I have refused to stay in her home for the past several years due to the way she behaves so that we can just get up and leave, when necessary (we get a hotel, which she hates . . . control issues again.)
Thankfully she has moved since I wrote that original post, so the UPS ground boxes of random uselessness have dried up to nothing. About 2 months before the moving date, she found two neighbors who were happy to haul large quantities of stuff out of her house (definitely to sell it, but I don't care why), which meant she didn't have to mail it to me. I should buy those guys some beers!
Crap, so my mom is Facetiming with my wife and kids and she just said "So I scored a 90% Easter deal at CVS - we have lots of presents to give the baby" --- really not looking forward to all the crap and candy they'll be bringing in... well, the only exception is if she brings Cadbury Mini Eggs. But no, we don't need Easter baskets, bunny ears headbands, stuffed bunnies, etc and all the other crap the store couldn't sell that you were suckered into buying because you saw "90% off". She even said that the manager was saying to her "I understand the candy but why all this other junk?" to which she 'wittingly' responded "You mean the the junk that you need to clear off your shelves?" ...good one, mom. She's obviously addicted to shopping and getting good deals, as if it were a favorite past-time. I mean, I get the adrenaline rush of getting a good deal but come on, 90% off on JUNK? It's the same thing as binge shopping at the 99-cent store.
Anyway, we're probably going to just throw most of her junk into the Goodwill bin and drop it off after they leave.
Sounds like a good call. There will two types of people happy to see it appear at Goodwill:
1) indigent parents who really would like to have a basket to give, and
2) hoarders/loonies like our parents.
Just keep the image of type 1 in your mind . . .
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My mom is a hoarder, which has only gotten worse over the years as she has had more time to accumulate more stuff. she never throws anything away, ever. One time I found old sandals in her house that were mine from over 15 years ago. They were cheap to begin with, got good use out of them, and I have no intention to wear them again because they are ugly and out of style. I threw them away and she took them out because "they can still get use out of them". They are still sitting around in a closet somewhere. She won't wear them because she has a million newer shoes from all the kohls cash, jcpenney, and old navy coupons that were too good of deals to turn down. I have tried to throw away stretch pants with the eleastic all worn out and cracking, but she says I am being "wasteful" and digs them out. I've tried to throw away used spiral notebooks of mine from high school, and she won't let me because there are still unused pages in them. I can't remember the last time I have needed to use a spiral notebook for anything since being a student.
I believe the hoarding comes from my moms parents who grew up during the depression era and instilled the value of never wasting anything. The problem is modern day "china-ism" has created an infinite supply of consumer goods and saving them "just in case" will turn a couponer into a hoarder.
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I used to work with insects in a bio research lab, which translated to MIL as an obsessive love of butterflies somehow. Now I get regular influxes of butterfly themed crap at every occasion- butterfly mugs, t shirts, magnets, pencil cases, hair clips and statues and glittering puffy sticker books (most of which seems aimed at the tween 8-12 y old girl market). I guess it's the thought that counts? Both are massive hoarders, and we get carloads of junk every time we visit.
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My sister-in-law lost her shit at TG dinner and started venting to her in-laws (which are also my in-laws) about all the "junk" they're using to fill up her home. My in-laws--graciously--responded with very compact gift cards, experiential gifts, etc., for Christmas.
When sister-in-law returned from celebrating Christmas with her own parents, however, there were Two of those little electric cars that toddlers drive all over. I guess one person's junk is another person's treasure.
As an early elementary schooler, our daughter thought that the fact that we refused to purchase an electric Barbie Jeep for her was on the level of a humanitarian crisis. Like there was somebody out there, that she could call, who would come to her aid and jail her parents for such abuse.
We laughed about it for years. Two decades later, If she is in the car and I spot one in a yard, I'll slow down and say, "Look Kelly, there is a family that REALLY loves their daughter".
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My mom is a hoarder, which has only gotten worse over the years as she has had more time to accumulate more stuff. she never throws anything away, ever. One time I found old sandals in her house that were mine from over 15 years ago. They were cheap to begin with, got good use out of them, and I have no intention to wear them again because they are ugly and out of style. I threw them away and she took them out because "they can still get use out of them". They are still sitting around in a closet somewhere. She won't wear them because she has a million newer shoes from all the kohls cash, jcpenney, and old navy coupons that were too good of deals to turn down. I have tried to throw away stretch pants with the eleastic all worn out and cracking, but she says I am being "wasteful" and digs them out. I've tried to throw away used spiral notebooks of mine from high school, and she won't let me because there are still unused pages in them. I can't remember the last time I have needed to use a spiral notebook for anything since being a student.
I believe the hoarding comes from my moms parents who grew up during the depression era and instilled the value of never wasting anything. The problem is modern day "china-ism" has created an infinite supply of consumer goods and saving them "just in case" will turn a couponer into a hoarder.
LOL this is my mom - in their latest email to my brothers and I they actually mentioned that they plan on stopping by the Columbia outlet at Tejon Ranch on the way down to visit us next week. This is to prepare for their upcoming trip to Europe. Thing is, they've already been traveling to multiple destinations over the past 5-10 years and they seem to stop by the Columbia outlet nearly every time they visit. Why they need to buy *more* "travel clothing" every time they visit is beyond me. I'm afraid to open their closet and see how much clothing they've accumulated and hoarded. Interestingly my mom will buy us cheap stuff for not much and tell us "oh just use it once or twice then toss it" but these are the same people who can't even throw away take out boxes because they can use them to store more food later, so we end up with a stack of plastic and foil take out boxes by the end of their visit. Don't get me started on all the Kohls, JCPenney, Macys, Old Navy, Marshalls, etc crap my mom has gotten into. It's true she's a "frugal" shopper in terms of getting a crazy hot bargain (not all the time as much as she thinks she is though), but I bet you she's spent more on shopping than anything else in her lifetime merely based on the amount of crap she accumulates from all her shopping trips combined.
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My sister-in-law lost her shit at TG dinner and started venting to her in-laws (which are also my in-laws) about all the "junk" they're using to fill up her home. My in-laws--graciously--responded with very compact gift cards, experiential gifts, etc., for Christmas.
When sister-in-law returned from celebrating Christmas with her own parents, however, there were Two of those little electric cars that toddlers drive all over. I guess one person's junk is another person's treasure.
As an early elementary schooler, our daughter thought that the fact that we refused to purchase an electric Barbie Jeep for her was on the level of a humanitarian crisis. Like there was somebody out there, that she could call, who would come to her aid and jail her parents for such abuse.
We laughed about it for years. Two decades later, If she is in the car and I spot one in a yard, I'll slow down and say, "Look Kelly, there is a family that REALLY loves their daughter".
That's funny :) My daughter wanted a Barbie Jeep too, so I went on Craigslist and found a used one for $20. She used it for a couple of years, and then it got sold to a neighbor, for $20.
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My sister-in-law lost her shit at TG dinner and started venting to her in-laws (which are also my in-laws) about all the "junk" they're using to fill up her home. My in-laws--graciously--responded with very compact gift cards, experiential gifts, etc., for Christmas.
When sister-in-law returned from celebrating Christmas with her own parents, however, there were Two of those little electric cars that toddlers drive all over. I guess one person's junk is another person's treasure.
As an early elementary schooler, our daughter thought that the fact that we refused to purchase an electric Barbie Jeep for her was on the level of a humanitarian crisis. Like there was somebody out there, that she could call, who would come to her aid and jail her parents for such abuse.
We laughed about it for years. Two decades later, If she is in the car and I spot one in a yard, I'll slow down and say, "Look Kelly, there is a family that REALLY loves their daughter".
We got one free second hand. Batteries can be had 50% off retail by buying a UPS battery (only diff sticker to hide its origin for retail sale) and spare parts (gearboxes) are easy to find cheap too. Ours lasted through three kids. Left it at the dump with more miles to go yet. Hopefully someone else got some more miles out of it.
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I don't know what's worse, being given crap or being asked to sell stuff because the folks don't do internet. My folks did stage 1 of downsizing a few years ago and asked me to sell furniture, small appliances, a van, clothes, etc., etc. First of course they'd try to pass it off on us, and we'd say, "No thanks, but we can take it to Goodwill for you". Then they'd wave a hand and say, "Oh, no, why don't you just sell it." Just sell it. They have no idea how much effort that takes. I spent countless hours researching prices, photographing items, posting ads, and waiting around for Craigslist buyers to show up. And the folks got all the money!
Dad's gone now, and mom's down to two storage units, plus a two-bedroom apartment full of stuff. There are a few things in storage that I might want, but the rest? No, thanks. It's been about 5 years now, and at nearly $250/month, she's wasted some $15,000 on storing a bunch of stuff that'll probably go to Goodwill when she's gone!
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My parents have tried to give me stuff that has no value to me, and they don't understand why I am not more excited. When I got married they wanted to buy me fine china, which I have sincerely no use for. It would just sit gathering dust. I finally got them to get me a kitchen aid mixer instead- way better. They also tried to give me a fur coat. They got offended when I told them I would sell it.
My mother in law is a bit guilty of this too. Christmas is really bad - she always gets us stuff that I don't use, but she is fine if we tell her we don't want it . My daughter confounds her because she just asks for the money that she would have spent to be donated instead.
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90 year supply of Christmas, etc. cards. We've adopted the donate route. Mom uses us as a conduit for donation/dumpster.
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My mom is a hoarder, and the only stuff she gives me is total and complete garbage. The only stuff she can bear to part with are things like stratched up Tupperware containers, picture frames she got from estate sales, faded art prints, used jeans from 20+ years ago. I used to turn the stuff down, but realizing she will never get rid of any of it, I have decided to tell her I will take it and then I either drop it off at a goodwill parking lot collector bin or just trash it.
She also has things like lifetime supplies of toothpaste, lotion, shampoo, tampons, bath towels, etc. I mean truly lifetime supplies of each. They are stuffed away disorganized in the back of some cabinet and she can't find them so she buys more of each of these when there is a sale. These however, I am not allowed to take from because she "needs" those.
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My mom is a hoarder, which has only gotten worse over the years as she has had more time to accumulate more stuff. she never throws anything away, ever. One time I found old sandals in her house that were mine from over 15 years ago. They were cheap to begin with, got good use out of them, and I have no intention to wear them again because they are ugly and out of style. I threw them away and she took them out because "they can still get use out of them". They are still sitting around in a closet somewhere. She won't wear them because she has a million newer shoes from all the kohls cash, jcpenney, and old navy coupons that were too good of deals to turn down. I have tried to throw away stretch pants with the eleastic all worn out and cracking, but she says I am being "wasteful" and digs them out. I've tried to throw away used spiral notebooks of mine from high school, and she won't let me because there are still unused pages in them. I can't remember the last time I have needed to use a spiral notebook for anything since being a student.
I believe the hoarding comes from my moms parents who grew up during the depression era and instilled the value of never wasting anything. The problem is modern day "china-ism" has created an infinite supply of consumer goods and saving them "just in case" will turn a couponer into a hoarder.
LOL this is my mom - in their latest email to my brothers and I they actually mentioned that they plan on stopping by the Columbia outlet at Tejon Ranch on the way down to visit us next week. This is to prepare for their upcoming trip to Europe. Thing is, they've already been traveling to multiple destinations over the past 5-10 years and they seem to stop by the Columbia outlet nearly every time they visit. Why they need to buy *more* "travel clothing" every time they visit is beyond me. I'm afraid to open their closet and see how much clothing they've accumulated and hoarded. Interestingly my mom will buy us cheap stuff for not much and tell us "oh just use it once or twice then toss it" but these are the same people who can't even throw away take out boxes because they can use them to store more food later, so we end up with a stack of plastic and foil take out boxes by the end of their visit. Don't get me started on all the Kohls, JCPenney, Macys, Old Navy, Marshalls, etc crap my mom has gotten into. It's true she's a "frugal" shopper in terms of getting a crazy hot bargain (not all the time as much as she thinks she is though), but I bet you she's spent more on shopping than anything else in her lifetime merely based on the amount of crap she accumulates from all her shopping trips combined.
YES!! I have tried explaining this many times, and it does not get through. This is a point that cannot be comprehended by my mother. It usually end with her saying she has to shop with discounts because she can't afford to do non-coupon shopping. *Facepalm*
Ditto on the mother saving used food containers. They must be used again! But she isn't stuck on some prairie foraging for resources, she has a kitchen full of Tupperware, gladware, tins from the 99 cent store, etc. already that she doesn't even use.
It sounds like we have the same mother. I can tell u what their closets look like: the stuff is not contained to a single closet, but to any and all closets, cabinets, and shelves in the house and much of it still has tags on it. Lots of things were meant to be used for a particular purpose or event and never got around to it...
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My mom is a hoarder, and the only stuff she gives me is total and complete garbage. The only stuff she can bear to part with are things like stratched up Tupperware containers, picture frames she got from estate sales, faded art prints, used jeans from 20+ years ago. I used to turn the stuff down, but realizing she will never get rid of any of it, I have decided to tell her I will take it and then I either drop it off at a goodwill parking lot collector bin or just trash it.
She also has things like lifetime supplies of toothpaste, lotion, shampoo, tampons, bath towels, etc. I mean truly lifetime supplies of each. They are stuffed away disorganized in the back of some cabinet and she can't find them so she buys more of each of these when there is a sale. These however, I am not allowed to take from because she "needs" those.
This is scary - we really do have the same mother. Mine has the same stuff stored in the closet! Multiples of razors, toothpastes, lotions, etc that she either got from coupon stacking/smashing at CVS/RiteAid for "free" or all the shampoo and soap that she took from all her hotel stays combined. She has also saved old medicine from the 1980's that's probably lost 100% of its efficacy yet she'll say things like "oh no it's fine don't throw it out!" She does encourage us to take her toothpaste, mouthwash, etc which is actually not too bad because then we don't have to buy any LOL. But sometimes it's just too much, like when she brings a large gallon ziploc bag full of hotel shampoos/soaps to us. She has reorganized a lot of her stuff but who knows what else is laying around. LOL on the picture frames - my mom has been known to buy a bunch from the Ikea bargain corner. In fact, we had a pile of frames sitting in our closet that I cleared out to give back to her because they were just sitting there and we weren't going to use them because they didn't match (i guess we could have painted them black?). But they were sitting there for years before we got around to giving them back. I'm sure they're sitting in their garage somewhere.
YES!! I have tried explaining this many times, and it does not get through. This is a point that cannot be comprehended by my mother. It usually end with her saying she has to shop with discounts because she can't afford to do non-coupon shopping. *Facepalm*
Ditto on the mother saving used food containers. They must be used again! But she isn't stuck on some prairie foraging for resources, she has a kitchen full of Tupperware, gladware, tins from the 99 cent store, etc. already that she doesn't even use.
It sounds like we have the same mother. I can tell u what their closets look like: the stuff is not contained to a single closet, but to any and all closets, cabinets, and shelves in the house and much of it still has tags on it. Lots of things were meant to be used for a particular purpose or event and never got around to it...
Nope, it's nearly impossible to change their mindset - they can't NOT bargain shop and they can't even cut down the amount of bargain shopping they do. These "deals" are just too good to miss out on. Yea it's crazy the amount of plastic-ware she has in the kitchen. And you're completely right about their stuff not being contained to a single closet. All of our closets are storing any given amounts of their crap.....excess wrapping paper, computer parts, old tape recorders, a pile of lanyards from IT trade shows my dad has attended (for heavens knows what... he says it's for him to collect gifts to give to my kids and my nephews, as if they need stupid laser pointers, fidgets, mints, and other dumb trinkets from vendors), more junk "gifts" my mom stores so she can break it out to pick our Christmas gifts each year, etc. And since not all of it can fit in the various closets they stuff junk into around the house, they have an attic with stuff in it and of course the garage, where they can only fit one car currently. Good thing they have a spacious driveway.
Oh yeah, last time they came down they gave us a set of BBQ tools and an apron for our 'friends' and then another set for us (we already have 1 set that they gave to us.... I guess they forgot or thought it was too cheap to pass up on why not). We BBQ like once a month max.
This is a good reminder for us to go through our own closets and look for other crap they've given to us that we should get rid of. If not, our place basically turns into a storage unit for them. We would rather her just give us the money she uses to buy all these "gifts" for us, especially when she says things like "you need to worry about putting your kids through college!" - I'm going to tell her, the next time you go bargain shopping at Kohls, CVS, Rite Aid, Macys, Old Navy, etc and you're about to buy something for any of us, please figure out how much it will cost, don't buy it, and give us that money when you see us next. It's a win-win: you won't "lose" it to the trash/Goodwill and our kids will have that much more to go to college like you want them to.
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My parents don't hoard but my mother-in-law does impulse buy a lot and send us things. She gets swept up in sales and has sent us more tea towels and soaps and tacky framed pictures than I can count. It makes me sad because her finances aren't in the best shape and she lives on disability, but I can also tell she feels so good about doing it. We pretty much give away or throw away everything she sends us :\
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My parents don't hoard but my mother-in-law does impulse buy a lot and send us things. She gets swept up in sales and has sent us more tea towels and soaps and tacky framed pictures than I can count. It makes me sad because her finances aren't in the best shape and she lives on disability, but I can also tell she feels so good about doing it. We pretty much give away or throw away everything she sends us :\
It's like a therapeutic form of Goodwill where they can fulfill their need to be generous without actually feeling like they're losing something. Perhaps a way to live vicariously through someone by buying them something they really think they'll use. Again, I say keep badgering them to give you the money they could/would have spent on that crap and tell them it's so they can vicariously live through your kids going to college like they probably would want :P
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My dad does this it drives me nuts! I admit I tend to hoard books( I am trying to institute a way to get rid of a book for every one I bring in the house) especially cookbooks which I have been facepunched for and certain types of food nonperishable. But I tend to throw most of what he gives me away.
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Managing these closets of stuff plus the constant shopping expeditions sounds so tiring - physically and emotionally. Just get rid of it and find a dang hobby or get out and go for a walk. Or bake someone some cookies!
So MANY other ways to find happiness in this big old world.
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I don't know what's worse, being given crap or being asked to sell stuff because the folks don't do internet. My folks did stage 1 of downsizing a few years ago and asked me to sell furniture, small appliances, a van, clothes, etc., etc. First of course they'd try to pass it off on us, and we'd say, "No thanks, but we can take it to Goodwill for you". Then they'd wave a hand and say, "Oh, no, why don't you just sell it." Just sell it. They have no idea how much effort that takes. I spent countless hours researching prices, photographing items, posting ads, and waiting around for Craigslist buyers to show up. And the folks got all the money!
OH GOD. My mother does this all the time. She doesn't have Internet - and likes to remind me often, "You know I CAN'T do this myself because I can't afford a computer or a smartphone!" She keeps giving me all of this useless crap to sell for her, and demands that I ask outrageous prices for it that she's never going to get.
I just moved and had several rubbermaid bins full of her crap that I've been listing over and over and over again on Craigslist, ebay, etc. for literally7 or 8 years with no interest at all. I donated all of it because I couldn't stand to move it one more time. Didn't tell her. I feel bad about that but it wasn't worth her flying into a rage upon hearing that I donated "stuff that was worth money! It's a collectible!" Spoiler alert: it is NOT worth money, no one wants her old musty broken shit! But she just cannot or will not hear that.
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Yeah, dang it! My dad had loads of camera gear, film camera gear, top of the line stuff that he wanted me to sell. A dozen or so cameras, including a very expensive Mamiya, a couple dozen lenses of all types, several video cameras, tripods, bags, and other accessories that he wanted top dollar for. I kept telling him almost everyone does digital these days, but he could see only how much he spent on it all. I did manage to sell the Mamiya set to a guy in Florida for like $400, plus shipping. And a guy at work bought a couple of the lenses because they worked with his digital gear. But the rest I ended up giving away.
I felt bad for my father, especially since he'd started showing sign of dementia and would sometimes get overly upset about things, his life of things, going out the door for a fraction of what he paid. That's another reason to get rid of stuff as early as possible. Make the decisions while you're still healthy mentally and can shift your focus away from such attachments.
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Ah, "collectibles". My sweet Italian grammy started collecting Hummel figurines in the 1970s,. My dad would get them at the factory and ship them to her, in the states. When she passed, she must of had a hundred of them. Her sons did the right thing by asking all family members if they wanted one, or more? I declined, but took a look on Ebay, to see if there was a market. I watched one of her favorites being listed for a $0.99 opening bid. The auction timed out with zero interest.
When it comes to out of control parents, I will never forget the Christmas messes my mom would create when our two kids were toddler and early school aged. I warned her to knock off the over the top gift buying on several occasions. One late Christmas afternoon I walked her out to the minivan, and we both did a tour of the interior. By the time I piled the new toys and gifts in, there was barely room for two kids in the back. I said this is obscene, and you're out of control. She snapped out of it, a bit, and future years were a lot more rational.
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Ah, "collectibles". My sweet Italian grammy started collecting Hummel figurines in the 1970s
I read this as being "Rommel figurines," and had to do a double take.
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I don't know what's worse, being given crap or being asked to sell stuff because the folks don't do internet. My folks did stage 1 of downsizing a few years ago and asked me to sell furniture, small appliances, a van, clothes, etc., etc. First of course they'd try to pass it off on us, and we'd say, "No thanks, but we can take it to Goodwill for you". Then they'd wave a hand and say, "Oh, no, why don't you just sell it." Just sell it. They have no idea how much effort that takes. I spent countless hours researching prices, photographing items, posting ads, and waiting around for Craigslist buyers to show up. And the folks got all the money!
Dad's gone now, and mom's down to two storage units, plus a two-bedroom apartment full of stuff. There are a few things in storage that I might want, but the rest? No, thanks. It's been about 5 years now, and at nearly $250/month, she's wasted some $15,000 on storing a bunch of stuff that'll probably go to Goodwill when she's gone!
Yeah, I've gotten this too -
Mom: "oh do you think this will sell on Ebay? How much can you get for it? You know it's a collector's item right?"
Me: "um, so you'll get about $15-20 for it, and that doesn't factor in the cost of shipping and ebay fees"
Mom: "are you sure? it's from 1979"
Me: "yea, and I don't want to sell it for you"
Mom: "OK, we'll put it back in the attic"
**this discussion comes up once or twice a year and she or my dad will rotate the request through myself and my brothers**
I don't even know if that's actually what's even said, but that's pretty much what happens (at least, the putting it back up in the attic part)
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Ha, at least yours puts it back in the attic. I get pleading, tears, and "don't you understand, I CAN'T do it, I don't have Internet?!? How am I ever going to get this house cleaned out if you don't help me sell this stuff?"
Sigh. If only Internet access is all one needed to get strangers to pay exorbitant amounts of money for essentially crap. {eyeroll}
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Ah, "collectibles". My sweet Italian grammy started collecting Hummel figurines in the 1970s,. My dad would get them at the factory and ship them to her, in the states. When she passed, she must of had a hundred of them. Her sons did the right thing by asking all family members if they wanted one, or more? I declined, but took a look on Ebay, to see if there was a market. I watched one of her favorites being listed for a $0.99 opening bid. The auction timed out with zero interest.
As much as our society has become consumerism-on-steroids, it is interesting that nobody collects stuff like this anymore. I'm 47 and have sold 95 percent of my sports memorabilia collection over the last few years. My 78-year-old dad is holding onto his Lionel trains convinced that I'm going to want to put them up in my home at some point. Oddly, though, he had no qualms about unloading his Hummel figurines in an estate sale 20 years ago. He got $1,200 for about two dozen of them, including the curio cabinet they were in. In hindsight, he did very well.
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Ah, "collectibles". My sweet Italian grammy started collecting Hummel figurines in the 1970s
I read this as being "Rommel figurines," and had to do a double take.
Those might have held their value.
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My in-laws downsized from a house to an apartment to a senior's residence. Many years later, when they were both gone, we (children and spouses) went to clear out the storage unit they had rented all those years. It was garbage. Old cleaning supplies, junk furniture, unbelievable. What a waste.
I suppose we were lucky it wasn't worse. My FIL tried to rescue things when my SIL helped her parents have a big yard sale when they were moving out of the house. There was no way they had room for this stuff in the apartment, but he had a terrible time letting things go. MIL wasn't nearly so bad.
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My parents try to give us little things when we visit, not to declutter their home but because we were dirt poor growing up and this is their way to try to make up for it. As time went on, I had to stop it though. I told them we don't have room for any more stuff, and in fact we're trying to get rid of stuff we already have. We've lived in the same house for 20+ years and things do tend to accumulate.
Fortunately they (mostly) understood and at least stopped insisting we take something - now they say "Could you use _____?" and if I say no, that's usually the end of it. They do understand we're not being ungrateful but we simply don't want any more stuff. If they keep pushing, I'll offer to take it home but I tell them I'll find someone else who can use it. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they choose to keep it. In a way I think my father is secretly pleased that we're that adamant about not accumulating all the stuff we can get our hands on, and we're not materialistic.
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My parents try to give us little things when we visit, not to declutter their home but because we were dirt poor growing up and this is their way to try to make up for it. As time went on, I had to stop it though. I told them we don't have room for any more stuff, and in fact we're trying to get rid of stuff we already have. We've lived in the same house for 20+ years and things do tend to accumulate.
Fortunately they (mostly) understood and at least stopped insisting we take something - now they say "Could you use _____?" and if I say no, that's usually the end of it. They do understand we're not being ungrateful but we simply don't want any more stuff. If they keep pushing, I'll offer to take it home but I tell them I'll find someone else who can use it. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they choose to keep it. In a way I think my father is secretly pleased that we're that adamant about not accumulating all the stuff we can get our hands on, and we're not materialistic.
Yea, this has become more along the lines of how my parents have been doing it after we told them similarly that we don't have space to house crap they give us. It's definitely not as bad as before, but sometimes my mom will just keep pulling stuff out of her bags to give or leave us.
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My dad started doing stealth drops on us, leaving things he knew we'd balk at on our back porch while we were at work. We came home one day to find a large box filled with old cans of late 60s-vintage herbicides and pesticides. Anyone remember DDT? My boyfriend had to haul the box off to the toxic waste disposal site.
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My dad started doing stealth drops on us, leaving things he knew we'd balk at on our back porch while we were at work. We came home one day to find a large box filled with old cans of late 60s-vintage herbicides and pesticides. Anyone remember DDT? My boyfriend had to haul the box off to the toxic waste disposal site.
I went through my parents garage and gathered a massive pile of stuff for their hazardous waste collection day. Eventually, there will be a much bigger pile from the basement.
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I feel lucky my parents idea of giving me "crap" is when my dad goes grocery shopping and comes back with like 10-15 pounds of strawberry. My parents will eat one or 2 and then he'll start giving them away because otherwise they might go bad. And he wonders why my mom never asks him to buy groceries......
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I feel lucky my parents idea of giving me "crap" is when my dad goes grocery shopping and comes back with like 10-15 pounds of strawberry. My parents will eat one or 2 and then he'll start giving them away because otherwise they might go bad. And he wonders why my mom never asks him to buy groceries......
This sounds like my FIL - my wife asks him *not* to bring stuff or if she does, she just wants like 2-3 oranges, apples, pears or green onions, etc. He'll end up buying a box of orange, apples, pears and bringing like 8-10 bunches of green onions. They run a restaurant so I think he can't detach buying in bulk vs buying for an individual. It's crazy too cause my MIL has poor eyesight, so the oranges might be sitting around at their place for a while and she doesn't realize half the oranges are bad, or they might have picked a box with half of the fruit rotting and she can't tell. They also eat the fruit when it tastes fermented and will say things like "Oh wow this is really good!" SMH... it's pretty gross. We have tossed so much excessive food they've brought because we simply can't eat all of what they give us OR it goes bad fast (if it isn't already bad). My wife constantly tells them they waste food by bringing excess to us yet they still can't get it through their heads *not* to bring as much as they do.
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I don't know what's worse, being given crap or being asked to sell stuff because the folks don't do internet.
My FIL tried to loop me into selling some of his (fairly expensive) crap because I bought and sold a dozen or so odds and ends on eBay a decade ago and therefore had an account with some feedback. My subtle suggestion that he, too, could create an account and sell some small things and generate some feedback before moving onto more expensive things was lost on him. I also believe it'e more about "having people do things for him" than any other reason. I let a couple things sit in my garage for a few months "never having time" to sell it before he got frustrated and moved on to someone else.
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I don't know what's worse, being given crap or being asked to sell stuff because the folks don't do internet.
My FIL tried to loop me into selling some of his (fairly expensive) crap because I bought and sold a dozen or so odds and ends on eBay a decade ago and therefore had an account with some feedback. My subtle suggestion that he, too, could create an account and sell some small things and generate some feedback before moving onto more expensive things was lost on him. I also believe it'e more about "having people do things for him" than any other reason. I let a couple things sit in my garage for a few months "never having time" to sell it before he got frustrated and moved on to someone else.
My parents and in-laws have asked us to sell stuff but they'll actually say we can keep whatever we make from the sale. That's actually not too bad of a deal if any of their crap would be worth selling, but usually it's not hahaha. But yea, it seems the 'older generation' isn't willing to do this kind of stuff in terms of online sales, etc. It's a paradigm shift for them. Probably similar to why my mom freaks out at me talking about investing in real estate out of state, because her properties are local and they are ultra-conservative and never do any of that stuff online. Fact is, many people have done it and are doing it, and so can the rest of us - it just requires an open-mind and the right perspective.
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My sister does this : (. I think she is a bit of a shopaholic, it's like she can't help herself. It used to be worse when she had a higher paying job, but I still get random stuff from her. The last 2 things was a 9 piece tapa server set of oddly shaped plates, and assorted vitamins for me and the kids ?? she knows I've gone through a breakup and am actively trying to de clutter the house to make things easier on me, so I think for her it's a compulsion.
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My sister does this : (. I think she is a bit of a shopaholic, it's like she can't help herself. It used to be worse when she had a higher paying job, but I still get random stuff from her. The last 2 things was a 9 piece tapa server set of oddly shaped plates, and assorted vitamins for me and the kids ?? she knows I've gone through a breakup and am actively trying to de clutter the house to make things easier on me, so I think for her it's a compulsion.
It's like a drug (well, from what I hear about what drugs do to people hahaha): you get a boost from scoring that blazing 95% off deal on the vitamins that expire in 10 days, but soon after you wonder for a split-second why you bought because they're for 60+ yr old females, and so you look for someone to give them to as 'charitable donation (even though they probably aren't going to use them either): win-win - you got a bargain and you "helped" someone out! In reality: you wasted your money and the vitamins are likely sitting in a landfill somewhere.
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This is absolutely my mother! She has very unhealthy attachment to stuff. A little background: when I was growing up my father was an alcoholic and my mother was a spend-a-holic (on whatever her latest obsession was), and our garage was always completely full of boxes of stuff. There was a lot of financial instability; I counted 22 different "homes" in my first 17 years alive, including an 8 month period where we were actually homeless (when I was 12/13) and lived in 9 different places including campgrounds and house-sitting, while those boxes and boxes of stuff were stored in various storage units.
Fast-forward many years, and I'm out on my own. Every time my mom would come to visit she would bring "boxes of your stuff". When I finally had my daughter 5 years ago at 33, after having two sons first, she gave me boxes and boxes of my old baby clothes from the late 70's, with shot elastic and stains and unwearable. I have sorted through most of the (30+) boxes of "stuff" by now; I think I'm down to the last 6 or so in the garage. 99% of this stuff are things I have no interest in saving: every single old t-shirt from when I was a kid, old and broken items, every card she received at my baby shower in 1978.
The thing that bothers me the most is that my parents have spent how much money over the years to move and store all of these items when we were homeless and moving all the time because they couldn't keep up on the rent? Why was she buying all this stuff (OMG the Tinkerbell phase of stuff that she collected, the build-a-bear collection for herself as an adult, and let's not even start in on the overpriced American Girl collection of my mother's) instead of making sure we had somewhere to live and the utilities on? I think it's pretty clear to me at this point that there is mental illness involved in my mother's case, but it has definitely driven me to a strong desire to be a minimalist. I've made this very clear and the barrage of stuff has lessened in recent years. I know she still has a huge storage unit full of stuff all boxed up...every time I think of it I am driven to throw shit out (ie, donate to VVA or recycle in most cases) in my own house so my kids don't ever have to deal with anything like this.
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MIL died a few months ago, and we are still dealing with crap from her house.
She had four adult sons, in their 50s and 60s all with homes of their own. With my coaching, she made a half-assed attempt five years ago to get all the sons to take their own crap. She had an attic and a basement full of college text books, sporting equipment, books, clothing, etc. Dh had long ago disposed of his crap, but two of them flatly refused because they "didn't have room for it." Some of their houses are small, but good grief, if you are 50+ years old, throw out your own damn junk if you can't take it. I encouraged her to give them a drop dead date for taking it or tossing it, but she couldn't bring herself to do it, so back to the attic it went.
Since we live in town, and dh is the executor, we are still sorting through the crap. We've tossed lots of it, but dh is way more timid about it than I would be.
If your parents try to give you crap and other dumb stuff that was actually yours, please take it and dispose of it if you don't want it. I have come in contact with boxes from one brother's college apartment, containing 35 year old jars of spaghetti sauce, rotten dish towels, love letters from old girl friends, etc. that he still won't take but doesn't want just thrown out.
Photographs, oh, how I hate photographs. My bedroom has about twenty huge cartons of photos. Remember the day of print photography? ILs would take 8 snapshots of the Christmas tree every year. Two would be in focus, but all 8 went in the album. There are albums of pictures of people we don't recognize. Nobody wants to throw out the ancestors but nobody wants to claim them, either. One brother helpfully suggested we contact distant branches of the family to see if they could help ID photos. Umm, no, if you want them ID'd, do it yourself.
We could scan these thousands of photos. Dh, in theory wants to do that, but in practice they are going nowhere fast. He's a lovely man, but taking charge of this kind of stuff is not his thing, nor will he let me do it. I hate photographs.
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I always take what my parents or in laws want to give us. We just pitch it when we get home if we don't really want it.
We do the same thing with food people try to send us home with after a party. Just accept it graciously and throw it in the trash when you get home. I hate wasting food, but if it wasn't that great when it was hot and fresh, it's not going to be any better color reheated.
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MIL died a few months ago, and we are still dealing with crap from her house.
Photographs, oh, how I hate photographs. My bedroom has about twenty huge cartons of photos. Remember the day of print photography? ILs would take 8 snapshots of the Christmas tree every year. Two would be in focus, but all 8 went in the album. There are albums of pictures of people we don't recognize. Nobody wants to throw out the ancestors but nobody wants to claim them, either. One brother helpfully suggested we contact distant branches of the family to see if they could help ID photos. Umm, no, if you want them ID'd, do it yourself.
We could scan these thousands of photos. Dh, in theory wants to do that, but in practice they are going nowhere fast. He's a lovely man, but taking charge of this kind of stuff is not his thing, nor will he let me do it. I hate photographs.
You are my new hero. That is all. Please take a moment to congratulate yourself. Anybody who hates massive amounts of inherited pics. as much as I do is awesome.
My mom died about seven years back. She was obsessed with photography, and frankly, not too talented. As we cleaned the house out, there was at least seven 20 gallon sized totes in the attic, AND a decent sized dresser that was completely stuffed with pics. To the point that the bottoms of the drawers were collapsing! It was too heavy to even slide on the carpet. She would own expensive equipment, and take pics. of everything repeatedly. Then she would go to the drug store and have DOUBLES made of everything. I literally spend a full week at a big table while sorting. I divided them into about ten groups, based on subject. If a special friend or relative was a subject, I boxed up several hundred or more, and mailed them to the lucky aunt, uncle, old best friend. I explained that I had zero attachment to the pics. and would not be offended if they tossed them all. During that process I trashed at least 2/3rds of the collection since they were doubles, poor quality, or one of a thirty sun rise or set shots, done within a few moments of each other.
We still have a few thousand of them. My daughter is supposed to be scanning them, but I believe that she offered to do it before she understood the magnitude of the project. As it's not showing much success. The fact that 99% of them are no longer my problem is very relieving.
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Photographs:
mmmm... I guess I have to go through my pre-digital collection and toss stuff, so I'm not the elderly relative someone is talking about on this thread in 50 years :-).
My mom gave me lots of pics, fortunately most were family relevant.
Scanned some of one side of the family, still have lots to go.
She really liked the dog she got as my "replacement" when I went off to college, judging by the number of pics.
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MIL died a few months ago, and we are still dealing with crap from her house.
Photographs, oh, how I hate photographs. My bedroom has about twenty huge cartons of photos. Remember the day of print photography? ILs would take 8 snapshots of the Christmas tree every year. Two would be in focus, but all 8 went in the album. There are albums of pictures of people we don't recognize. Nobody wants to throw out the ancestors but nobody wants to claim them, either. One brother helpfully suggested we contact distant branches of the family to see if they could help ID photos. Umm, no, if you want them ID'd, do it yourself.
We could scan these thousands of photos. Dh, in theory wants to do that, but in practice they are going nowhere fast. He's a lovely man, but taking charge of this kind of stuff is not his thing, nor will he let me do it. I hate photographs.
You are my new hero. That is all. Please take a moment to congratulate yourself. Anybody who hates massive amounts of inherited pics. as much as I do is awesome.
My mom died about seven years back. She was obsessed with photography, and frankly, not too talented. As we cleaned the house out, there was at least seven 20 gallon sized totes in the attic, AND a decent sized dresser that was completely stuffed with pics. To the point that the bottoms of the drawers were collapsing! It was too heavy to even slide on the carpet. She would own expensive equipment, and take pics. of everything repeatedly. Then she would go to the drug store and have DOUBLES made of everything. I literally spend a full week at a big table while sorting. I divided them into about ten groups, based on subject. If a special friend or relative was a subject, I boxed up several hundred or more, and mailed them to the lucky aunt, uncle, old best friend. I explained that I had zero attachment to the pics. and would not be offended if they tossed them all. During that process I trashed at least 2/3rds of the collection since they were doubles, poor quality, or one of a thirty sun rise or set shots, done within a few moments of each other.
We still have a few thousand of them. My daughter is supposed to be scanning them, but I believe that she offered to do it before she understood the magnitude of the project. As it's not showing much success. The fact that 99% of them are no longer my problem is very relieving.
I'm so jealous that you were able to just divide up the photos and ship them out. I've suggested that many times. I've also suggested that he go through them and pick out an album's worth and send the rest on to the next brother, but no. Instead they are a gigantic dark cloud that has engulfed my house.
Have I mentioned that I hate photographs?
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I'm so jealous that you were able to just divide up the photos and ship them out. I've suggested that many times. I've also suggested that he go through them and pick out an album's worth and send the rest on to the next brother, but no. Instead they are a gigantic dark cloud that has engulfed my house.
Have I mentioned that I hate photographs?
Yea, that really sucks. Any chance of agreeing to slowly chip away by scanning every one of them, a few at a time, then disposing of them when they are stored in a few different media? I guess it's just a matter of picking your battles. My wife had major issues with letting go of an antique brass bed. It was a family heirloom, but it was also too small for modern tastes, and we didn't have room for it. If I could of stuffed it in the attic until one of us died, it would of suited her just fine. Minds are pretty strange, it had zero value except scrap, and no use in our house, but keeping it in the attic for a few decades is better than donating it?
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When my mom was dying she asked us to look through her pics and take what we wanted. When all 3 of us were done she walked to the dumpster outside and threw them all away. Actually it was a really sad moment. She downsized much of her stuff through the years and now at 62 I am doing the same. No way I am leaving a mess for my kids. I actually just donated 20 Hummels and some antique glassware to a local dog rescue that has a store. Young people don;t collect things which is good. I am now selling my curio cabinet and it will be interesting to see if it sells. I had my kids teach me how to do craigslist about 10 years ago and do everything myself. It I feel like it is worth the work I try to sell and if not I donate.
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When my mom was dying she asked us to look through her pics and take what we wanted. When all 3 of us were done she walked to the dumpster outside and threw them all away. Actually it was a really sad moment. She downsized much of her stuff through the years and now at 62 I am doing the same. No way I am leaving a mess for my kids. I actually just donated 20 Hummels and some antique glassware to a local dog rescue that has a store. Young people don;t collect things which is good. I am now selling my curio cabinet and it will be interesting to see if it sells. I had my kids teach me how to do craigslist about 10 years ago and do everything myself. It I feel like it is worth the work I try to sell and if not I donate.
My grandfather had a huge collection of Hummels. Not even sure where they are now. He gave me a bunch of worthless coins that I gave to my kids. My wife is a picture collector. I have one box of pics and that is it. She has bins full of them. I guess she'll be buried with them?? I have no ideal what one does with so many pictures. I hate "stuff" and clutter in general. My wife often says I would donate the kids if I could.
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My family is very similar. I tried to give very specific items that I want as gifts in the attempts to channel their shopping habits into something beneficial. Nope. They don't like what I suggest, so I get several things (that end up costing the same amount) which don't work for me.
I've gotten over the guilt part and just donate everything.
This year I'm going to try telling everyone about becoming minimalist and how I don't want any stuff. I already broke the news to my mom. I'm expected it to take several years before I make any headway.
Hahaha. Oh how hopefully I was.
I told my mom I don't want gifts anymore. Now she tells me the things she's sending are not gifts, they are "just because" items. Somehow just because stuff gets sent more often, especially now that I've moved closer. Even though I get rid of them, it is still getting very stressful that every visit leaves me with chores. I have to sort through the bag of crap, figure out what to trash, them hang on to the donate stuff until I get a chance to go to the thrift store. Ugh
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My wife often says I would donate the kids if I could.
I will admit there are times this thought has crossed my mind regarding my teenager, but it doesn't come from a place of decluttering.
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My wife often says I would donate the kids if I could.
I will admit there are times this thought has crossed my mind regarding my teenager, but it doesn't come from a place of decluttering.
Haha I hear ya. I have one entering his teenage years.
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My wife often says I would donate the kids if I could.
I will admit there are times this thought has crossed my mind regarding my teenager, but it doesn't come from a place of decluttering.
Haha I hear ya. I have one entering his teenage years.
My great grandma was old school Italian. She was about 100lbs, and in her mid-nineties, when she offered my pregnant wife some advice. She told the DW that babies and toddlers are wonderful, children are great. Sadly, by the time they are fourteen or so, the best thing to do is drag them into the woods, kill them, and tell God they died. At the time the wife was not amused, by the time they were mid-teens it all made perfect sense. Disclaimer, they are both alive and well, and lived past their teen years.
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My great grandma was old school Italian. She was about 100lbs, and in her mid-nineties, when she offered my pregnant wife some advice. She told the DW that babies and toddlers are wonderful, children are great. Sadly, by the time they are fourteen or so, the best thing to do is drag them into the woods, kill them, and tell God they died. At the time the wife was not amused, by the time they were mid-teens it all made perfect sense. Disclaimer, they are both alive and well, and lived past their teen years.
LOL!! My husband always said that teenagers made you understand why some animals eat their young.
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MIL died a few months ago, and we are still dealing with crap from her house.
Photographs, oh, how I hate photographs. My bedroom has about twenty huge cartons of photos. Remember the day of print photography? ILs would take 8 snapshots of the Christmas tree every year. Two would be in focus, but all 8 went in the album. There are albums of pictures of people we don't recognize. Nobody wants to throw out the ancestors but nobody wants to claim them, either. One brother helpfully suggested we contact distant branches of the family to see if they could help ID photos. Umm, no, if you want them ID'd, do it yourself.
We could scan these thousands of photos. Dh, in theory wants to do that, but in practice they are going nowhere fast. He's a lovely man, but taking charge of this kind of stuff is not his thing, nor will he let me do it. I hate photographs.
You are my new hero. That is all. Please take a moment to congratulate yourself. Anybody who hates massive amounts of inherited pics. as much as I do is awesome.
My mom died about seven years back. She was obsessed with photography, and frankly, not too talented. As we cleaned the house out, there was at least seven 20 gallon sized totes in the attic, AND a decent sized dresser that was completely stuffed with pics. To the point that the bottoms of the drawers were collapsing! It was too heavy to even slide on the carpet. She would own expensive equipment, and take pics. of everything repeatedly. Then she would go to the drug store and have DOUBLES made of everything. I literally spend a full week at a big table while sorting. I divided them into about ten groups, based on subject. If a special friend or relative was a subject, I boxed up several hundred or more, and mailed them to the lucky aunt, uncle, old best friend. I explained that I had zero attachment to the pics. and would not be offended if they tossed them all. During that process I trashed at least 2/3rds of the collection since they were doubles, poor quality, or one of a thirty sun rise or set shots, done within a few moments of each other.
We still have a few thousand of them. My daughter is supposed to be scanning them, but I believe that she offered to do it before she understood the magnitude of the project. As it's not showing much success. The fact that 99% of them are no longer my problem is very relieving.
Seems like people are all or nothing. My mom has a couple filled photo albums, and a small box (largish shoe box) full of pictures. you would think there would be more, after all 4 kids and extended family, but nope. Most of the photos are basically glued into the albums so you would ruin the photo if you tried to remove it. I actually wish I had more pictures of my childhood. I didn't have a camera during college so I have 2? photos from college. Maybe some people have pics of me, but I don't.
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The teenage years are the Universe's way of not making you feel sad when they move out:))
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The teenage years are the Universe's way of not making you feel sad when they move out:))
Or encouraging you to do the kicking out if they don't do it on their own!
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples.
My aunt. When we were children she gave the most thoughtful gifts. Now, I kind you not, she must go to a closet & pick out something from her Home Shopping Network stash because it's usually cheaply made, nothing we've ever talked about, and in an unmarked box. For my birthday last year I received a pineapple corer/slicer thing. Like you, we eat MAYBE 2 per year. That thing went in the next donation box straight out of my house. I don't even feel guilty anymore.
lol the pineapple slicer seems to be the gift for the man who has everything (he needs)!
I eat a lot of pineapples but I just eat the core like a savage. Is that weird? Does anybody else do this?
Its notlike I cut out the core and eat it specifically, I just don't bother removing it. Its barely noticeable most of the time if the pineapple is ripe.
I just cut the top and bottom off, then cut it in half into two rolls, then just cut each cylinder of meat out. Then cut that into small pieces.
Then I plant the tops and grow more! I have 2 growing on my plants as we speak.
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We have a pineapple corer. It is used regularly, as I do cut out the core and eat it, but husband hates core on his pineapple.
Our kitchen drawers are overflowing though :(
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Speaking of food, that's another area where my parents completely hoard. They're visiting this weekend and every time they come down they have to bring an arsenal of food from their freezer or fridge to cook here. It's enough to feed an army yet they also want to eat out. So now our fridge/freezer and chest freezer are completely packed and we have to play Tetris to figure out where food is or get something out. It's pretty annoying - they just have the propensity to keep storing food faster than they can eat it. My dad thinks he's a master chef too, so he makes messes in the kitchen and the food really isn't that great (LOL). So we tend to have all this weird stuff in our fridge that we don't want to eat and usually have to toss after they leave, including leftovers they failed to finish. The worst part is that BOTH of them are like that. Last night at dinner my dad cooked a corned beef that they didn't end up making from a couple months ago (gee, I wonder why) and put it in one of those throwaway takeout restaurant tins that they kept. He put our small cutting board inside the tin because he could slice it at the table. Why not just slice it on the cutting board first and then put it in the tin? He does all sorts of weird things that don't make sense. Anyway, they store food up like the world is gonna end... it's insane.
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My grandpa built a lake house in the 80s and started collecting junk and storing it all over the yard. He passed away in 2004, a couple months after my mom bought the house from him. She did a ton of work cleaning up the yard, but she neglected cleaning inside the house. Then she added her stuff. And things she kept of her kids, her 4 grandkids (who all lived there at one point with her) and her 3 brothers (they came to live there off and on too).
My mom passed away last year and left the house to me. It took us over a week just to clean out her room. Medium sized room with a large bedroom set stuffed full of clothes she never wore. I swear we pulled 30 pairs of jeans out of there. Probably a dozen coveralls for work, all basically the same exact pair. On top of the furniture begin stuffed, she had almost 10 pieces of luggage. Large pieces. All full of random stuff she couldn’t part with. Her room made me quite sad. She only had a small walkway around her bed and just piles of stuff. Not like hoarders the show, but going through it there was definitely some garbage. Thankfully not food garbage though they did have mice. But that is more likely due to the state of the home (never actually sided, many broken doors leading outside) anyways lots of ways for mice to get in.
I live 9 hours from the lake house, but I’ve been hauling ass trying to empty it to sell it. Thanks go to the landfill gods that there is a dump less than a kilometre from this place (it’s rural central BC). I’m here now with my bf just finishing up. We just went through the laundry room today. How many glass jars does someone really need to keep? We threw out hundreds. And scrap wood. My god! If something was wood, it appeared to have never been thrown away.
I’ve been trying to tell my step-dad (her ex) for years to start throwing out his stuff at his house so this won’t happen to his kids. He refuses. Says he paid for this stuff so why throw it out? Geez, I don’t know. Maybe so you can use your kitchen counter? Or have space for a couch in your living room!? That’s a whole other story though.
My boyfriend’s parents also have hoarding issues. I hear about it mostly. Whispers of “the basement”, but I’ve never actually gone down there. His mother, while lovely, is the worst for this. She has a shopping compulsion and is constantly buying her three sons things they don’t need or want. And more specifically, stuff that I don’t want in my house. We did a mother’s day dinner last week and she bought the younger brother’s girlfriend and me a stuffed animal. I refused to accept it. I’m 31 years old. I don’t need random stuffed animals because you think they’re cute. Everyone thought it was a little rude, but I was nice about it. And now hopefully she will not waste money like that again (on me at least!). She did the same thing at Valentines. She saw this little brown stuffy that shook to some song and bought one for each couple. Closer inspection shows this stuffy is literally a pile of crap with a fly on it! I don’t know how the hell that got in stores. Maybe China decided to make crap stuffies, they weren’t selling, so they sew a heart on the front and sold em for Valentine’s Day. Anyways, just an example of mindless consuming.
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Speaking of food, that's another area where my parents completely hoard. They're visiting this weekend and every time they come down they have to bring an arsenal of food from their freezer or fridge to cook here. It's enough to feed an army yet they also want to eat out. So now our fridge/freezer and chest freezer are completely packed and we have to play Tetris to figure out where food is or get something out. It's pretty annoying - they just have the propensity to keep storing food faster than they can eat it. My dad thinks he's a master chef too, so he makes messes in the kitchen and the food really isn't that great (LOL). So we tend to have all this weird stuff in our fridge that we don't want to eat and usually have to toss after they leave, including leftovers they failed to finish. The worst part is that BOTH of them are like that. Last night at dinner my dad cooked a corned beef that they didn't end up making from a couple months ago (gee, I wonder why) and put it in one of those throwaway takeout restaurant tins that they kept. He put our small cutting board inside the tin because he could slice it at the table. Why not just slice it on the cutting board first and then put it in the tin? He does all sorts of weird things that don't make sense. Anyway, they store food up like the world is gonna end... it's insane.
I can relate to opening up my parents refrigerator and they have so much crap stuffed inside that you can barely see the refrigerator light. my mom will make me take home a cantolopue or something because she bought five of them (such a good deal from the 99 cent store) and can't eat them before they go bad. Why oh why must she buy multiples of perishable food items? I have found cans of soup that expired 4 years ago, which means the soup is even older than that. But I can't throw it away because that is wasting food and my mom says she might need it one day.
the worst are those wine deals from the grocery store where you have to buy 6 bottles of wine at a time for the deal. There are wine bottles of cheap wine all over the formal dining room from multiples of that deal. I don't understand why you would buy another 6 bottles of wine when you have a dozen
bottles at home already from the last "deal". My parents don't drink much, but also,don't want to give the wine away because they paid for it, so it keeps accumulating from another deal that can't be turned down.
Agh makes my head spin
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My parents keep giving me things that they have emotional attachment to, which means I can't get rid of it without a guilt trip. It seems to be some kind of right of passage thing, proof that I'm an "adult" now inheriting the family furniture/tchotchkes. Nevermind that it's bulky and fragile and I live in an apartment and have to move every two years.
I've started getting rid of it anyway.
My parents grew up on farms away from town, so if you saw something that you needed or could potentially need in the future, you bought it and stored it in a basement/shed/attic. For years they memorized a huge inventory of household items and clothing, and would randomly say "Oh, I have just the thing for that". Then they'd disappear for half an hour and return with just the thing. When I moved out, I had to learn that seeing something in the store one time does not mean I should buy it "because I can't get it again". I live in the city, the store will still be there with the same thing or something similar. Also my apartment is not a warehouse.
When my mother travels she's doing the same thing. "Oh, it's raining, I have a coat just for that." "Oh, it's sunny out, let me get my sandals." She travels for a one week trip with a sedan packed to bursting with three coats, five shoes, seven dresses, etc. She spends the whole week rifling through her car instead of enjoying the place she's visiting.
She's forever saying "well, I used to have a skirt that would be perfect." Turns out she owned this skirt maybe 20 years ago, and had to get rid of it 10 years ago because she'd worn it out. When it died, she didn't replace it, she bought 3 different skirts that were all for summer instead of winter or something.
Her memory isn't what it used to be (cancer survivor) but the one upswing is she no longer has a massive mental inventory of every item she's sent me. She doesn't notice that I ditched the sweater I never wore, or the raincoat that didn't keep out the rain.
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My parents keep giving me things that they have emotional attachment to, which means I can't get rid of it without a guilt trip. It seems to be some kind of right of passage thing, proof that I'm an "adult" now inheriting the family furniture/tchotchkes.
I am very familiar with these feelings :-(
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My parents keep giving me things that they have emotional attachment to, which means I can't get rid of it without a guilt trip. It seems to be some kind of right of passage thing, proof that I'm an "adult" now inheriting the family furniture/tchotchkes.
I am very familiar with these feelings :-(
I have quite a few family things that are "guilty clutter". I have my grandmother's sewing cabinet and machine. I was thrilled to get it until I saw it was in awful condition. But now I think I'm stuck with it for the rest of my father's life. He doesn't see that it is horrible condition. Just "that's the way it always was"
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Speaking of food, that's another area where my parents completely hoard. They're visiting this weekend and every time they come down they have to bring an arsenal of food from their freezer or fridge to cook here. It's enough to feed an army yet they also want to eat out. So now our fridge/freezer and chest freezer are completely packed and we have to play Tetris to figure out where food is or get something out. It's pretty annoying - they just have the propensity to keep storing food faster than they can eat it. My dad thinks he's a master chef too, so he makes messes in the kitchen and the food really isn't that great (LOL). So we tend to have all this weird stuff in our fridge that we don't want to eat and usually have to toss after they leave, including leftovers they failed to finish. The worst part is that BOTH of them are like that. Last night at dinner my dad cooked a corned beef that they didn't end up making from a couple months ago (gee, I wonder why) and put it in one of those throwaway takeout restaurant tins that they kept. He put our small cutting board inside the tin because he could slice it at the table. Why not just slice it on the cutting board first and then put it in the tin? He does all sorts of weird things that don't make sense. Anyway, they store food up like the world is gonna end... it's insane.
I can relate to opening up my parents refrigerator and they have so much crap stuffed inside that you can barely see the refrigerator light. my mom will make me take home a cantolopue or something because she bought five of them (such a good deal from the 99 cent store) and can't eat them before they go bad. Why oh why must she buy multiples of perishable food items? I have found cans of soup that expired 4 years ago, which means the soup is even older than that. But I can't throw it away because that is wasting food and my mom says she might need it one day.
the worst are those wine deals from the grocery store where you have to buy 6 bottles of wine at a time for the deal. There are wine bottles of cheap wine all over the formal dining room from multiples of that deal. I don't understand why you would buy another 6 bottles of wine when you have a dozen
bottles at home already from the last "deal". My parents don't drink much, but also,don't want to give the wine away because they paid for it, so it keeps accumulating from another deal that can't be turned down.
Agh makes my head spin
Crap, my wife just told me about two recent discussions/incidents with my mom as they're visiting this weekend:
1) My mom bought bagels from Panera Bread in the morning and put them in plastic bags to store in our freezer. The wax/paper bags that the bagels originally were in were left out on the counter, so my wife tossed them into our recycling bag in the kitchen (not even sure if it's supposed to go there but whatever). Later that day, my mom baked cookies cookies and saw that the disposable bags were missing. She dug around and found them in the recycling bag, fished them out, and told my wife "you shouldn't toss these - these are perfect for the cookies!" and proceeded to put the cookies in them. *facepalm*
2) We had an old bath mat in our second bathroom that was just gross - my mom told my wife that she'd buy us a new bath mat. So my wife said "OK, I'll toss the old one when you bring back the second one" to which my mom responded "Why? You can store the old bath mat out in the garage and use it for something - it's very useful." My wife was confounded, asking "What would we use it for?" And my mom just replied "Oh, you know, it's just good to have." I bet if my wife just tossed the mat, my mom would have asked her what she did or would have dug around and fished it out the trash and told us to keep using it like for out in the garage or whatever. I still have no idea what use we would have for it in the garage, specifically.
So basically, anything and everything that they think remotely has *any* utility whatsoever (even if they don't know what it is), they'll justify keeping by saying "It's good to have" or "it's good to have just in case" SMH... ridiculous.
Haha, I get you on the multiples of food items though - my in-laws do the same when they bring us fruit, etc. We ask for a couple oranges and they bring a couple DOZEN oranges.
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I have a one bedroom, 750ish square foot apartment with a small kitchen. I'm also known to break things. Particularly fragile easily smashable things. I'm down to two of the eight non-precious bowls I started college with. That's a little under one smashed bowl per year on average.
Last time I came home for a visit my mom tried to get me to take back six full place settings of flowery pink and green china that my grandfather brought back home from Germany during WWII as a gift for my grandmother. HELL. NO. Not only do I have no room to store it or display it, I know exactly what's going to happen and I want no part of the following guilt trip when the china either breaks in the car on the way home or breaks in my apartment. Durable plastic is good enough for my dinner guests.
There also have been comments that my future home "has to have a formal dining room so we can give you the (enormous 12 seater) dining table!!" We probably ate in the dining room ten times during my entire childhood so formal dining room is not on my list of must haves....
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My aunt had a lot of issues with controling through giving, specifically in regards to sweets/sugary junk.
She's Type 1 Diabetic and used to need to "spoil" us three kids by buying like a dozen 2 liters of pop, tons of candy and junk food for a five day visit. She did not take no for an answer and couldn't for the life of her understand why we weren't guzzling it down, and get super pouty because it was this amazing stuff she couldn't have but was giving to us.
The other guilt was that we all knew she was sneaking into the stash at night, so we'd chug it down just so she wouldn't. It was terrifying as a kid, waiting to make sure she's survive the visit. We were a very healthy family based mostly on my mom's experience a kid when my aunt almost died died, and even as a teenager I felt responsible to not let her screw herself up by drinking the damn stuff myself.
My mom would confront her, but she didn't budge on needing to "treat us".
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My parents keep giving me things that they have emotional attachment to, which means I can't get rid of it without a guilt trip. It seems to be some kind of right of passage thing, proof that I'm an "adult" now inheriting the family furniture/tchotchkes.
I am very familiar with these feelings :-(
I have quite a few family things that are "guilty clutter". I have my grandmother's sewing cabinet and machine. I was thrilled to get it until I saw it was in awful condition. But now I think I'm stuck with it for the rest of my father's life. He doesn't see that it is horrible condition. Just "that's the way it always was"
We were given an antique bed frame that was my great grandparents and had gone down through the generations. We were told it was a Queen size bed. Turns out to be exactly the size of our current double bed. We used it for a few months, got word out to the family that it probably wouldn't survive another generation (trying to set expectations early!). And then we accidentally broke it. Just snapped one of the bars across the foot of the frame. Unfortunately that holds the sides of the frame together, so now it's gone. We did tell people that it was broken, and had broken in such a way that it wasn't reparable (a long crack in the wood where it supports weight). Several people wanted us to fix it, and we offered to let them fix it and keep that. Well they didn't want that. So we just said we're upgrading to a real Queen size bed now, thankyouverymuch. But we do still have a rather uncomfortable rocking chair that doesn't go anywhere in our house and I don't intend to use, because it belonged to another set of great grandparents...
Also, I live on a farm. +1 to keeping things around "just in case"
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Dh had a great aunt and uncle that had a farm. His dad had fond memories of spending summers there. When they died and cleaned out the farmhouse, much of their junk went into FIL & MIL's attic, and they kept trying to force it on us. The folks on the farm didn't have much money and the stuff was pretty well worn out and not great quality to begin with. No, I really don't want threadbare, stained linens, cracked dishes, baskets with holes, etc., but no, we could never throw that junk out because it came off the farm.
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Last time I came home for a visit my mom tried to get me to take back six full place settings of flowery pink and green china that my grandfather brought back home from Germany during WWII as a gift for my grandmother. HELL. NO. Not only do I have no room to store it or display it, I know exactly what's going to happen and I want no part of the following guilt trip when the china either breaks in the car on the way home or breaks in my apartment. Durable plastic is good enough for my dinner guests.
I will never understand the who concept behind China. Now adding the concept of "special china" that can only be used on special occasions, and I'm totally done with that silliness. As a married couple, our parents and older relatives oooohed and awed, as my wife open the gift of wedding china, I just curled my toes and stayed quiet. Decades later, it has long be relegated to daily use, and has broken to the point that there is very little of it left. The wife gets mildly upset when another piece bits the dust, I try not to smirk.
There also have been comments that my future home "has to have a formal dining room so we can give you the (enormous 12 seater) dining table!!" We probably ate in the dining room ten times during my entire childhood so formal dining room is not on my list of must haves....
As a homebuilder, I fought hard to push back against customers who wanted formal dining space. I usually succeeded. One particular customer was a total PITA. I tried several times to get her to allow me to open the wall between the formal dining and the family room, on a traditional colonial, before we broke ground. She refused to budge. After the place was framed, the HVAC guys filled the common wall between the rooms with ductwork. Just before we were ready to sheetrock, the homeowner announces that she wants the wall removed. I tell her no. She says money isn't the issue. I then tell her, that no it isn't. The time to do that was when I was vigorously lobbying for you to approve the change at no charge to you, NOT after the whole HVAC system has to be re-engineered and reinstalled, too late. Jesus, I hate formal rooms.
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Last time I came home for a visit my mom tried to get me to take back six full place settings of flowery pink and green china that my grandfather brought back home from Germany during WWII as a gift for my grandmother. HELL. NO. Not only do I have no room to store it or display it, I know exactly what's going to happen and I want no part of the following guilt trip when the china either breaks in the car on the way home or breaks in my apartment. Durable plastic is good enough for my dinner guests.
I will never understand the who concept behind China. Now adding the concept of "special china" that can only be used on special occasions, and I'm totally done with that silliness. As a married couple, our parents and older relatives oooohed and awed, as my wife open the gift of wedding china, I just curled my toes and stayed quiet. Decades later, it has long be relegated to daily use, and has broken to the point that there is very little of it left. The wife gets mildly upset when another piece bits the dust, I try not to smirk.
There also have been comments that my future home "has to have a formal dining room so we can give you the (enormous 12 seater) dining table!!" We probably ate in the dining room ten times during my entire childhood so formal dining room is not on my list of must haves....
As a homebuilder, I fought hard to push back against customers who wanted formal dining space. I usually succeeded. One particular customer was a total PITA. I tried several times to get her to allow me to open the wall between the formal dining and the family room, on a traditional colonial, before we broke ground. She refused to budge. After the place was framed, the HVAC guys filled the common wall between the rooms with ductwork. Just before we were ready to sheetrock, the homeowner announces that she wants the wall removed. I tell her no. She says money isn't the issue. I then tell her, that no it isn't. The time to do that was when I was vigorously lobbying for you to approve the change at no charge to you, NOT after the whole HVAC system has to be re-engineered and reinstalled, too late. Jesus, I hate formal rooms.
We all have our tastes. I for one despise the modern concept with the "open" floor plan and prefer rooms for designated purposes. If there were any traditional colonial homes around I'd definitely prefer to live in one; sadly it's all post-1990 newer buildings or else stuff designed to make it look like it's been built out of mud. (I hate modern stucco with a passion.)
I keep only one table to eat off of, with chairs to go with it, so it's in the dining area where the formal plates are. It's just easier to do all the eating in one place and then clean up, so things don't have to be made different for guests. What I wish was that there was a good way to break up the space between the kitchen, living room, and dining room. I don't mind having easy access from the kitchen to the dining room but I hate it when my living room smells like food and I don't like it when my guests can see the dishes in the kitchen all the way from the living room where we're relaxing for after-dinner conversation. Also, have you noticed that the "open" floor plan is irritatingly noisy? You can only have one or two conversations going on in the entire house at the same time unless someone goes into a bathroom or bedroom. It's impossible to speak privately.
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Last time I came home for a visit my mom tried to get me to take back six full place settings of flowery pink and green china that my grandfather brought back home from Germany during WWII as a gift for my grandmother. HELL. NO. Not only do I have no room to store it or display it, I know exactly what's going to happen and I want no part of the following guilt trip when the china either breaks in the car on the way home or breaks in my apartment. Durable plastic is good enough for my dinner guests.
I will never understand the who concept behind China. Now adding the concept of "special china" that can only be used on special occasions, and I'm totally done with that silliness. As a married couple, our parents and older relatives oooohed and awed, as my wife open the gift of wedding china, I just curled my toes and stayed quiet. Decades later, it has long be relegated to daily use, and has broken to the point that there is very little of it left. The wife gets mildly upset when another piece bits the dust, I try not to smirk.
There also have been comments that my future home "has to have a formal dining room so we can give you the (enormous 12 seater) dining table!!" We probably ate in the dining room ten times during my entire childhood so formal dining room is not on my list of must haves....
As a homebuilder, I fought hard to push back against customers who wanted formal dining space. I usually succeeded. One particular customer was a total PITA. I tried several times to get her to allow me to open the wall between the formal dining and the family room, on a traditional colonial, before we broke ground. She refused to budge. After the place was framed, the HVAC guys filled the common wall between the rooms with ductwork. Just before we were ready to sheetrock, the homeowner announces that she wants the wall removed. I tell her no. She says money isn't the issue. I then tell her, that no it isn't. The time to do that was when I was vigorously lobbying for you to approve the change at no charge to you, NOT after the whole HVAC system has to be re-engineered and reinstalled, too late. Jesus, I hate formal rooms.
We all have our tastes. I for one despise the modern concept with the "open" floor plan and prefer rooms for designated purposes. If there were any traditional colonial homes around I'd definitely prefer to live in one; sadly it's all post-1990 newer buildings or else stuff designed to make it look like it's been built out of mud. (I hate modern stucco with a passion.)
I keep only one table to eat off of, with chairs to go with it, so it's in the dining area where the formal plates are. It's just easier to do all the eating in one place and then clean up, so things don't have to be made different for guests. What I wish was that there was a good way to break up the space between the kitchen, living room, and dining room. I don't mind having easy access from the kitchen to the dining room but I hate it when my living room smells like food and I don't like it when my guests can see the dishes in the kitchen all the way from the living room where we're relaxing for after-dinner conversation. Also, have you noticed that the "open" floor plan is irritatingly noisy? You can only have one or two conversations going on in the entire house at the same time unless someone goes into a bathroom or bedroom. It's impossible to speak privately.
I love a formal dining room, too, and a separate living room. I loathe the open floor plan concept. I don't want people in my kitchen underfoot when I'm cooking. I don't want to look at dirty dishes while we eat. Eating in the kitchen is fine with family but not with guests. I totally agree about the noise, it's so obnoxious.
Fortunately, I have my 1980s colonial and don't have to get a border collie to chase people out of the kitchen.
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One of the more recent things my mom has been doing with clothes, is that she'll buy a bunch of clothes *she* thinks are great for any of us. Then she'll rotate through and asks who wants the underwear or tank tops she got for 99% off at Sears, Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, etc... granted, *some* of it might be ok stuff but most of it is just crappy and nothing that we would wear. She primarily does this to my wife though, where she'll go buy here some tops for 90% off and then brings them all to show her (like 10 of them at a time). My wife will kind of just be like "ehh, no thanks" and then my mom will question her and be like "why? just wear them once or twice then toss them. they were so cheap!" - she's obviously addicted to buying cheap. If you told her to give us the cash she spent on the crap, she'd hesitate and be like "nope" but then it's OK for her to buy cheap junk and give it to us. My wife was stressed after this weekend of having them visit (my mom dragged her TWICE to Old Navy and bought more crap). I just told her, let's just collect everything up and Goodwill it. We can tell her we Goodwilled it too - telling my mom that might be like fingernails on the chalkboard, and quite possibly the right tactic to make her stop this God-awfulness.
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From the mouth of a hoarder: "it's not that we have too much stuff, we just don't have enough room".
(Coming from two grown adults living in a 1200 sq ft house with crap piled high.)
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If you told her to give us the cash she spent on the crap, she'd hesitate and be like "nope" but then it's OK for her to buy cheap junk and give it to us.
It's because the crap is "worth" more than the cash they paid. $10 for 10 tank tops that will never be worn = a great deal!!! They are worth $200!!
My mom is the same way. If you asked her for the cash she would've spent instead she would get all defensive like, "no I need the money more than you, I can't afford to just hand out $10".
But $10 worth of unused clothes with the tags on them sitting in the closet for years is totally fine. The shopping and deal seeking is an addiction. Logic and reason do not apply. Makes me want to smash my head into a wall.
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The Company moved my parents around when I was growing up. Thus, nothing was ever cleaned out because they just used another company paid semi-truck to move.
When they moved to Cali, some boxes were left outside, unopened, for years (it never rained there and the Cali house was too small to hold everything).
Now that my dad is retired, he's going through the piles of consumer junk. Who needs 3 identical umbrellas (they were on sale!) out of 19 total? There are 6 sewing machines and 4 of them have never been opened. Thousands of paperback books. Hundreds of old clothing items that no longer fit.
It's not a legacy I look forward to handling.
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If you told her to give us the cash she spent on the crap, she'd hesitate and be like "nope" but then it's OK for her to buy cheap junk and give it to us.
It's because the crap is "worth" more than the cash they paid. $10 for 10 tank tops that will never be worn = a great deal!!! They are worth $200!!
My mom is the same way. If you asked her for the cash she would've spent instead she would get all defensive like, "no I need the money more than you, I can't afford to just hand out $10".
But $10 worth of unused clothes with the tags on them sitting in the closet for years is totally fine. The shopping and deal seeking is an addiction. Logic and reason do not apply. Makes me want to smash my head into a wall.
Yep, that's exactly it - they have a certain 'valuation' of a product in mind, so they equate spending only $5 for something that's "worth" $50 the same as spending $5 and making $45 (or an ROI of 900%!!!). Problem is that the money is *in* the tank tops (this reminds me of Arrested Development: "The money is *IN* the banana stand?!" or Zoolander: "The files are *IN* the computer?!?!?!"). Now, if these were "covfefe" tank tops that could resale for $50 a piece, I wouldn't have anything against it, because I'd Ebay every single one of them for instant profit!
*sigh*
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I have lived in old and new homes and prefer old with separate rooms. Our kitchen is a galley kitchen so we eat all meals in the dining room. I like that people in the DR can have separate conversations then those in the LR. When we lived in bigger houses with formal LR that is the room that was never used unless we had a big party.
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I have lived in old and new homes and prefer old with separate rooms. Our kitchen is a galley kitchen so we eat all meals in the dining room. I like that people in the DR can have separate conversations then those in the LR. When we lived in bigger houses with formal LR that is the room that was never used unless we had a big party.
As a builder, my issue is with building rooms that are abandoned 99% of the time. Those of you who actually use a formal dining and living room on a daily basis are not as typical as you might believe, and good for you for not wasting space. A buddy of mine did warranty work on new homes, as in thousands of new homes. Lots of McMansion style 2500ft.+ two stories, three car garage, total POS places that were the majority of the foreclosure inventory when our region got driven into the ground by the great recession. He found that the vast majority of formal areas were treated as some sort of F'ed up shrines by the owners, places that can only be entered during holidays, when important people show up. The other thing that he found was that a lot of these new homeowners were severely overextended, and owned homes far larger than they could afford, or even use. As a result it was nothing to see formal rooms that were completely empty, zero furniture, and only every entered to vacuum and dust. Waiting for a tax return, or other windfall, to blow on furniture that they don't need, for rooms, they don't need, to impress guests who show up 2-3X a year. Because? Who knows...................
Might have $25K in CC debt, couldn't come up with $500 for an emergency car repair, but lets blow that tax check on cheap particle board shit furniture from Billy Bob's House of Shit Furniture, because we need to keep up appearances. THAT'S why I try not to roll my eyes when a customer tells me that "we MUST have a large, formal LR& DR". Right, it's clearly a must............................
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As a builder, my issue is with building rooms that are abandoned 99% of the time. Those of you who actually use a formal dining and living room on a daily basis are not as typical as you might believe, and good for you for not wasting space. A buddy of mine did warranty work on new homes, as in thousands of new homes. Lots of McMansion style 2500ft.+ two stories, three car garage, total POS places that were the majority of the foreclosure inventory when our region got driven into the ground by the great recession. He found that the vast majority of formal areas were treated as some sort of F'ed up shrines by the owners, places that can only be entered during holidays, when important people show up. The other thing that he found was that a lot of these new homeowners were severely overextended, and owned homes far larger than they could afford, or even use. As a result it was nothing to see formal rooms that were completely empty, zero furniture, and only every entered to vacuum and dust. Waiting for a tax return, or other windfall, to blow on furniture that they don't need, for rooms, they don't need, to impress guests who show up 2-3X a year. Because? Who knows...................
Might have $25K in CC debt, couldn't come up with $500 for an emergency car repair, but lets blow that tax check on cheap particle board shit furniture from Billy Bob's House of Shit Furniture, because we need to keep up appearances. THAT'S why I try not to roll my eyes when a customer tells me that "we MUST have a large, formal LR& DR". Right, it's clearly a must............................
I can't quite wrap my head around that notion. Isn't the entire point of having a dining room to... well... *eat* in?
Now I'm told that there are people who never use their good china. That seems weird to me. Nothing says "I love you" to a guest quite as much as being willing to wash dishes and glasses by hand (or to pay someone else to do it) afterwards.
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By the time you stepped into " I need a formal living and dining room" territory, you are typically in a house that's big enough that it already has an informal dining and living area. Typically a huge kitchen with a table for six to eight, and a huge family room with couch, recliners, big screen, and fireplace. The formal rooms are STRICTLY for show. The kids stay out, the dog isn't lounging in there, and the only way the velvet rope gets lowered to allow usage is when it's a "special occasion". This is a lot more prevalent than you might imagine.
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I get what you are saying. When my 3 boys were small we had a 1600 sq ft home. It had a small kitchen with formal dining which we used everyday. It had a living room with a small bedroom off of it. I ended up making the bedroom a den with TV and no TV in living room. We used both rooms daily. The living room was where people went to talk or read. It also seems like the room where the TV is can be messy especially with kids. So it is nice to have a neat room all the time. I have known people that bought too much house and can't afford furniture. How stupid is that? It is also stupid to have rooms that you only use a few times a year. That is why we down sized when the kids left because we had rooms we were not using. We had 2 1/2 baths and one full bath was never used.
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By the time you stepped into " I need a formal living and dining room" territory, you are typically in a house that's big enough that it already has an informal dining and living area. Typically a huge kitchen with a table for six to eight, and a huge family room with couch, recliners, big screen, and fireplace. The formal rooms are STRICTLY for show. The kids stay out, the dog isn't lounging in there, and the only way the velvet rope gets lowered to allow usage is when it's a "special occasion". This is a lot more prevalent than you might imagine.
I'll take your word for it. It still sounds creepy. Don't get me wrong, I've been in some sizable houses, but it's never appeared to me that there are replica rooms that people only pretend to use.
The closest mental image that I can find is when there are divisions that way is if there's some kind of gender or age division (a smoking room for the men and a women's living room, I think the old term for it was "drawing room"), or a play room for the kids, or else separate living and entertaining quarters for staff. My grandmother on my mom's side had a separate staff kitchen, a dining area in the upstairs kitchen for the kids, and the dining area. Maybe an in-law suite, even. But the idea of having a room that's-- I don't know, dressed up to pretend to be for people to eat-- that's just creepy.
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Its an old tradition from upper-middle class in many societies - they aren't rich enough to always eat fancy every day (with the servants and fancy dinnerware, etc), so almost always ate in a less formal room (or even in their bedroom). However, they want to show status when people come over on occasion. They would then hire people to serve the guests in the formal room.
This and other interesting history of the house in European societies from Bill Bryson's book At Home: A Short History of Private Life
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...Now I'm told that there are people who never use their good china. That seems weird to me. Nothing says "I love you" to a guest quite as much as being willing to wash dishes and glasses by hand (or to pay someone else to do it) afterwards.
I'm gonna probably get in trouble, maybe real bad trouble, for breaking the rules of my Order, but there's a whole chapter in the Husband's Handbook entitled The Incompetence Ploy. And the lead example is based on the good china. Now most of us don't really have the "good china," which implies we also have the not-so-good china, and maybe even the double-plus-ungood china, but the HH says it's permissible to use whatever china you have, regardless of its "goodness." So, you got your brand-new wife, you got your lifelong customs to establish. You say, "Here honey, let me do the dishes." You get in the kitchen, do some of the dishes, take one of the cups from the good china or alternatively the Standard Average China, and throw it hard on the floor. Just as your new wife starts to react to the crash, you scream, "Oh no! Shit! The good china!" (If all you have is the one set, and you are unclear as to its goodness, you can scream, "the china," which will be effective enough.) And then you start guiltily cleaning up the shards. She rushes in, swears with a kind of vehement vulgarity, and announces you are not going to do that again. And of course you have to find and replace the cup from some startlingly obscure and expensive internet source, but it's worth it. Periodically, you offer to do the dishes again, but you will not be permitted to do so. (A similar technique later in the chapter involves helping with the laundry: specifically, a white silk blouse, and a brand-new red cotton sweatshirt you wore changing the Dexron III transmission fluid; the HH advises you to be sure you wash them using dishwashing liquid in the washing machine and MaxHeat on the dryer.) It's probably too politically incorrect to mention on a nice liberal site like this, but all was foreshadowed and forewritten in Uncle Remus: "Please, please, please don' throw me into the briar patch, B'rer Bear."
(The first rule of the Husband's Handbook is to deny there is a Husband's Handbook. Happy incompetence to you and yours.)
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My wife is very good friends with a co-worker, whose mother has become delighted by our children (she has no biological grandchildren). This mother has taken to remembering our children on every holiday and visit with all sorts of trinkets and toys.
meanwhile, the co-worker (her daughter) regales us with all sorts of stories about her parents' lack of savings for retirement, etc. I appreciate the toys and gifts, but if it comes at the expense of being able to afford retirement, it starts tog et awkward.
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Just visited family!
Ok, the plants and wine were asked for.
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As a homebuilder, I fought hard to push back against customers who wanted formal dining space. I usually succeeded. One particular customer was a total PITA. I tried several times to get her to allow me to open the wall between the formal dining and the family room, on a traditional colonial, before we broke ground. She refused to budge. After the place was framed, the HVAC guys filled the common wall between the rooms with ductwork. Just before we were ready to sheetrock, the homeowner announces that she wants the wall removed. I tell her no. She says money isn't the issue. I then tell her, that no it isn't. The time to do that was when I was vigorously lobbying for you to approve the change at no charge to you, NOT after the whole HVAC system has to be re-engineered and reinstalled, too late. Jesus, I hate formal rooms.
It varies by family. We use our dining room every single day -- not just for meals, but that's the table that the kids use for homework, my wife uses her laptop in to check email, etc.
An old friend of mine, on the other hand, ate Pop Tarts in his dining room once in the ten years he lived in his last house. And he only did it because he was still pissed about spending thousands of dollars on furniture for a room that nobody else even sat down in.
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So my wife just collected like 6 pairs of sandals my parents have brought down (over time) and left at our place. They tell us "oh we're going to leave these here for when we come down so we can wear them there" - as if we have space to store their shoes and clothes. And they do this nearly every other time they visit, bringing us more slippers/sandals.
First off, we don't wear sandals (or our shoes, for that matter) in the house. My mom insists on wearing sandals or those disposable slippers (she saves from hotels) though. Technically it's their house too since we co-own it but they're not the ones living here. She even said "These sandals are clean - I only wear them when I take showers with them at the gym. They're clean!" - uhh, I guess she's never heard of ATHLETE'S FOOT? That's a bit counter-intuitive anyway... people typically only wear sandals to shower in a public/community-use shower if they think the shower stall floor is filthy. Makes zero sense that she would think they're "clean" in light of that.
Anyway, it's probably one of those battles not worth fighting, we've come to realize. So we just let her wear her dumb slipper/sandals around otherwise we'll just keep getting into arguments. My mother in law does the same thing with slippers my wife keeps in the kitchen for when it gets colder (tile floors). My wife only wears them in the kitchen but my MIL will keep them on and walk around our entire house... ugh. Just have to make sure to vacuum well afterwards.
But yea, we've already accumulated a bag of crap they've given us for us to give back to them. If they refuse it or take stuff out and put it back in a closet, etc, we're just sending it to Goodwill. It's so ridiculous the way they are... when I think about it though, it ultimately might just be more work for us when we have to clean up their crap-pile house once they've passed
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The timing of this thread makes me so sad. I just returned home after a major cleaning event at my parents' house.
My parents have always been rather messy people but when my mom began to have health issues, things took a turn for the worst. 8 years ago she started exhibiting signs of dementia and made a rapid decline. Her everyday care took priority for my father and I. It was so overwhelming/exhausting that for about 3 years, we were just in survival mode. There were brief times that I offered to declutter/clean the house but my dad was just too physically/emotionally spent to allow it.
By the time my mom passed this last February, their house had degenerated into a disgustingly dirty and cluttered mess. After a period of grieving, I gently offered to organize, gift, donate mom's things and dad agreed to that.
I used this as an opportunity to declutter and clean the whole house. After a first pass of trashing/donating junk, I organized the salvageable stuff in dad's living room and invited all my family (brother, aunts cousins, etc) over to pick out anything they might want. Knowing that some of this stuff was going to stay in the family made it easier for dad to let go. It was a bittersweet few weeks as different family members would drop by. Many times, we would share memories of a certain object before it would get carted off. The unwanted items got donated. After a thorough scrubbing, the house became habitable again.
I would have to say the process was quite hard for dad. At first, he had a difficult time letting anything go and everything was a negotiation. (Dad, why do you need 10 tea sets? You can keep 2. Oh, okay, you can keep 4). But when he started seeing how nice and neat the house was becoming, he became an enthusiastic participant. It seemed like a great weight was being lifted from him. Those two months (yes, it took 2 months) we spent working on the house, along with the passage of time, helped us with our grieving and it brought us closer together as a family. Losing mom is still so sad though.
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My mom definitely has a problem with clothes hoarding. She has 2 walk-in closets full of clothes, and as my brother and I moved out, she took over the closets in our old rooms. She also has a buttload of clothes in her basement. Five years ago she bought our family shore house and has proceeded to also fill her closet and a coat closet with her clothes.
She buys clothes for everyone for birthdays and Christmas. And sometimes I get things for Easter and Valentine's as well. Today I just took the tags off the sweater I'm wearing....Can't remember if it was Christmas or my b-day in 2016.
On the plus side, this means I spend very little on my own clothes (work pants and underwear are about the only things I have to get myself). Often she buys things for herself but then doesn't like how they fit or they sit in her closet unused for a few years and then are given to me. I've appreciated this as my weight has fluctuated up and down a lot over the last 14 ish years, but I'm committed to staying hard at my current weight/size.
I try to be grateful and keep in mind that she gives clothes out of love. It helps to not care about my "personal style".
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On the 8th I steeled myself and went to visit my father who is a hoarder. The apartment was a mess is an understatement. Piles of boxes and containers everywhere. While it was true they were having their wiring upgraded it still didn't account for the mess. He has a wife who has a younger daughter and I do not understand how they live in such clutter and filth. The younger girl has asthma so I suspect all that dust aggravates her condition. They had traps down that had caught what I thought was a huge cricket but could have been a waterbug. He has bags labeled remotes and various other labeled bags of what I consider junk. He has old televisions he keeps with one operational. He even keeps books my mother (who has long divorced him for reasons unrelated to the hoarding btw) gave him when they were married he swears are worth something to a collector. I checked their worth on Ebay not more than $10 for the lot. He has several others he keeps as well the bedroom is more of a lair than a room.
I am amazed he hasn't been sanctioned by the rental office. I stayed for about 4 hours when I left I itched horribly needed a shower and was deathly afraid something had crawled into my bag. I won't be returning for quite some time.
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By the time you stepped into " I need a formal living and dining room" territory, you are typically in a house that's big enough that it already has an informal dining and living area. Typically a huge kitchen with a table for six to eight, and a huge family room with couch, recliners, big screen, and fireplace. The formal rooms are STRICTLY for show. The kids stay out, the dog isn't lounging in there, and the only way the velvet rope gets lowered to allow usage is when it's a "special occasion". This is a lot more prevalent than you might imagine.
I grew up two miles from George Washington's Mount Vernon mansion. I remember visiting as a kid often in the years after we moved to Alexandria and had guests who inevitably wanted to go. What struck me then was how formal the living and dining room areas were in Mount Vernon -- and how that remained almost universally the same 200 years later, including in our home built in 1980.
I hate the concept of unused space. I have a wide open plan here in Florida. Formal areas were fine when people were wearing hoop skirts and powdered wigs. Not today.
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I've moved 3 times in the last 15 years, each time to a smaller house. First from my parent's 6 bedroom house to a 4-bedroom apartment (with college friends). Then to a 3-bedroom house, then a 3-bedroom condo, now a 2-bedroom house. Each time we've realized how much physical detritus comes with us and how little we actually use most of it. I have to say, courtesy of my parents, I've furnished at least 3 houses' worth of things via Salvation Army and Goodwill. In the future I'd like to skip the middle-man (me) and just send it straight to donation. I've suggested this before and accused of being ungrateful. Maybe I am but when gifts become a burden they aren't gifts anymore.
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my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more.
I don't know if OP is still reading this thread, but mini soaps/shampoos/toothpastes/razors are VERY helpful to the homeless. As are extra socks and underwear. See if you can get hold of your mom's stash and donate them. Just keep enough to make her think you're using them.
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my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more.
I don't know if OP is still reading this thread, but mini soaps/shampoos/toothpastes/razors are VERY helpful to the homeless. As are extra socks and underwear. See if you can get hold of your mom's stash and donate them. Just keep enough to make her think you're using them.
Yes, these things can be very useful to donate. Food banks accept them, too.
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my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more.
I don't know if OP is still reading this thread, but mini soaps/shampoos/toothpastes/razors are VERY helpful to the homeless. As are extra socks and underwear. See if you can get hold of your mom's stash and donate them. Just keep enough to make her think you're using them.
Yes, these things can be very useful to donate. Food banks accept them, too.
Toiletries, baby supplies, and kitchen staples (spices, etc) are in general wanted by shelters/foodbanks.
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Formal areas were fine when people were wearing hoop skirts and powdered wigs. Not today.
Odd how the average home size wasn't so huge back then, but women were wearing those enormous butt extenders everywhere they went. I got a close look at a hoop skirt several years ago-- checking it out at one of those places where people dress up in period costumes and then get their picture taken. From an engineering perspective it's terrifying. I see why the South lost the war.
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my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more.
I don't know if OP is still reading this thread, but mini soaps/shampoos/toothpastes/razors are VERY helpful to the homeless. As are extra socks and underwear. See if you can get hold of your mom's stash and donate them. Just keep enough to make her think you're using them.
This is *exactly* what we've done. Collected tons of toiletry items and recently cleared out a medicine cabinet and plastic shoebox full of stuff my mom has collected from all her travels and donated them. My wife was insistent on still keeping a few around, which I think is unnecessary but whatever...
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That is wonderful, jeromedawg! You have no idea how much the homeless want these items... last winter we were distributing clothing and supplies and the toiletries were always first to go. Great way to make the best of your mom's hoarding, though too bad you have to be the middleman.
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I was thinking the same thing... I collect a lot of soaps etc from traveling. I end up pitching a lot of it. Next time, I will find a good place to donate it too. Great tip!
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I read through this thread last night and I found it absolutely mind boggling. I am extremely thankful I wasn't raised by or surrounded by hoarders. I'm a minimalist myself -- long before it was "cool" or something millenials did. I've never been one to accumulate junk. Too me having lots of things just seems stressful and expensive (maintenance, upkeep, storage etc.). It seems half the stuff I used to have was related to being a military guy. Once I retired I was thrilled to finally get rid of all that extra crap I was required to have. It's been liberating. Currently all of my "things" could easily fit in a studio size uhaul with PLENTY of room to spare.
My parents split up when I was really young and so in that respect they did their "purges" earlier in life. There are no attics or basements full of junk. The one area I can relate to in this thread is the requisite thank-you card or cards in general expectations. I grew up with a dad who expected cards constantly and for eveyone and everything. I stopped complying with this nonsense when I was about 22. It's been nearly 20 years and I still think it bothers him. He remarried someone just SIX years older than me and expected me to send her birthday cards and MOTHER'S DAY cards! Needless to say, I had to distance myself from him/them both emotionally and geographically. It was just too much. Thankfully the military gave me ample reasons to not be involved in some of that weirdness.
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That is wonderful, jeromedawg! You have no idea how much the homeless want these items... last winter we were distributing clothing and supplies and the toiletries were always first to go. Great way to make the best of your mom's hoarding, though too bad you have to be the middleman.
One year we donated a bunch to Operation Christmas Child but they banned those items after (except for soap bars) because of the simple fact that many of these items, when pressurized, explode or leak :( Otherwise, we've urged my mom to donate many of her "treasures" to the same cause or similar others. She can't help but hoard upon finding the best deal though - her way of avoiding self-hoarding though is to hoard via proxy where we are her proxy/middleman as you state. I think we have a pretty good tempo though - for some crap that's just unacceptable we throw it in the donation pile after they leave. We just purged a ton of pillows that my mom insisted that we keep around (we had them for years) and where she would buy multiple covers for them from the Ikea As-Is section (when the As-Is section was a big thing at least). It was ridiculous - I undid a cover from a pillow (because I wanted to see what shape the inner-pillow was in) and found another cover over it, and then another cover over that one. Like those Russian Dolls! Definitely the handiwork of my mom... anyway, all that has been donated away. We need to start making runs through our clothes too. My wife complains about how many t-shirts I have/had (I donated some on the last run) yet she has a ton of clothes she never wears herself!
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I travel a lot for work and do keep some of the toiletries around in our guest bath. I'll get the little shaving kits and toothbrush ones when I stay at nicer hotels. It is very much appreciated when people forget things to have a small stock available to them.
Most of our stuff goes to the local domestic abuse shelter though.
I hoarded hotel toiletries for years. When I finally decided to cure myself of this and declutter my linen closet, I used up some, tossed the stuff that was too old but the rest (and it was most of it) went to a local domestic abuse shelter.
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Having a baby is another excuse for our hoarder family members to force crap onto us. No matter how many times I tell my mom and MIL that we don't need more baby clothes and accessories (we need target gift cards for diapers, wipes, baby Tylenol, socks, etc) they just end us giving us TONS more clothing and accessories. They just can't stop themselves and love the excuse to do more shopping.
When my daughter was first born, my mom got her a set of bows, SIXTEEN bows to be exact. I told my mom she's doesn't have enough hair yet, she won't be able to wear these for a long time. My mom said it was too good of a deal to pass up $5 for all 16 bows!! Here I am, over a year later, finally using them for the first time and they are janky AF. The fabric is this ugly glittery cardboard like material that is hot glued onto these sharp little metal clasps. There are hot glue strings on the bows and one broke off when I was trying to unclasp it from the package it came in. My mom would say to save it and re-glue it on, but I don't want to waste any precious seconds of my life "saving" this ugly ass bow when I have 15 more of them anyway. They look ugly on my daughter because the metal clasp still sticks out from underneath the bow.
I really only need one bow, maybe two or three max. I would rather have one nice bow for $5 than 16 of these ugly cheap pieces of crap. But if I get rid of these and my mom ever found out I would never hear the end of it. Gotta save these little treasures in case my sister ever has a kid in the next decade. Smh.
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Having a baby is another excuse for our hoarder family members to force crap onto us. No matter how many times I tell my mom and MIL that we don't need more baby clothes and accessories (we need target gift cards for diapers, wipes, baby Tylenol, socks, etc) they just end us giving us TONS more clothing and accessories. They just can't stop themselves and love the excuse to do more shopping.
When my daughter was first born, my mom got her a set of bows, SIXTEEN bows to be exact. I told my mom she's doesn't have enough hair yet, she won't be able to wear these for a long time. My mom said it was too good of a deal to pass up $5 for all 16 bows!! Here I am, over a year later, finally using them for the first time and they are janky AF. The fabric is this ugly glittery cardboard like material that is hot glued onto these sharp little metal clasps. There are hot glue strings on the bows and one broke off when I was trying to unclasp it from the package it came in. My mom would say to save it and re-glue it on, but I don't want to waste any precious seconds of my life "saving" this ugly ass bow when I have 15 more of them anyway. They look ugly on my daughter because the metal clasp still sticks out from underneath the bow.
I really only need one bow, maybe two or three max. I would rather have one nice bow for $5 than 16 of these ugly cheap pieces of crap. But if I get rid of these and my mom ever found out I would never hear the end of it. Gotta save these little treasures in case my sister ever has a kid in the next decade. Smh.
No, you do not need to save that crap if you don't want it.
You are an adult now, and you can and should get to decide what crap comes into your house and what things you and your family want to use and what to give away. Gifts that are given with strings - expectations on what you can and cannot do with them - are not gifts.
If she gets mad at you for not saving something she gave you, you need a basic script to tell her: "mom, I told you I didn't want them or need them at the time you gave them to me and you insisted I take them. Understand they are going to be returned for store credit for things I really need right now, or donated." If she yells at you or in any way tries to control your household, that's when you leave/end the conversation. You don't have to sit there and be berated.
You can do this as politely as you feel like doing it, but honestly, you need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them or you will drown in the cheap crap that you aren't allowed to get rid of... and you're setting a poor example for your own children if you can't politely and firmly tell someone - yes, even your own mother - "sorry, but that's not going to work for me."
Or you could just cheerfully dispose of said items that you don't want and plead ignorance on where that thing got to if she ever questions its absence. Might be less confrontational, but won't solve the bigger issue of her buying tons of crap you don't want/need. But at least you can donate or return for whatever you can get for it and then say "oh, geeze mom, I haven't seen that bow set in ages - it's probably shoved in a drawer around here somewhere!"
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Having a baby is another excuse for our hoarder family members to force crap onto us. No matter how many times I tell my mom and MIL that we don't need more baby clothes and accessories (we need target gift cards for diapers, wipes, baby Tylenol, socks, etc) they just end us giving us TONS more clothing and accessories. They just can't stop themselves and love the excuse to do more shopping.
When my daughter was first born, my mom got her a set of bows, SIXTEEN bows to be exact. I told my mom she's doesn't have enough hair yet, she won't be able to wear these for a long time. My mom said it was too good of a deal to pass up $5 for all 16 bows!! Here I am, over a year later, finally using them for the first time and they are janky AF. The fabric is this ugly glittery cardboard like material that is hot glued onto these sharp little metal clasps. There are hot glue strings on the bows and one broke off when I was trying to unclasp it from the package it came in. My mom would say to save it and re-glue it on, but I don't want to waste any precious seconds of my life "saving" this ugly ass bow when I have 15 more of them anyway. They look ugly on my daughter because the metal clasp still sticks out from underneath the bow.
I really only need one bow, maybe two or three max. I would rather have one nice bow for $5 than 16 of these ugly cheap pieces of crap. But if I get rid of these and my mom ever found out I would never hear the end of it. Gotta save these little treasures in case my sister ever has a kid in the next decade. Smh.
No, you do not need to save that crap if you don't want it.
You are an adult now, and you can and should get to decide what crap comes into your house and what things you and your family want to use and what to give away. Gifts that are given with strings - expectations on what you can and cannot do with them - are not gifts.
If she gets mad at you for not saving something she gave you, you need a basic script to tell her: "mom, I told you I didn't want them or need them at the time you gave them to me and you insisted I take them. Understand they are going to be returned for store credit for things I really need right now, or donated." If she yells at you or in any way tries to control your household, that's when you leave/end the conversation. You don't have to sit there and be berated.
You can do this as politely as you feel like doing it, but honestly, you need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them or you will drown in the cheap crap that you aren't allowed to get rid of... and you're setting a poor example for your own children if you can't politely and firmly tell someone - yes, even your own mother - "sorry, but that's not going to work for me."
Or you could just cheerfully dispose of said items that you don't want and plead ignorance on where that thing got to if she ever questions its absence. Might be less confrontational, but won't solve the bigger issue of her buying tons of crap you don't want/need. But at least you can donate or return for whatever you can get for it and then say "oh, geeze mom, I haven't seen that bow set in ages - it's probably shoved in a drawer around here somewhere!"
Wow. So I am the one actually posting relevant new content to the discussion, and that is being extrapolated to now being accused of not being an adult and being a bad example to my children. Kind of asshole-ish don't you think?
Maybe there is more history that is too personal to share on this silly thread. But I don't know, apparently strangers on the internet must already know everything.
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Or you could just cheerfully dispose of said items that you don't want and plead ignorance on where that thing got to if she ever questions its absence. Might be less confrontational, but won't solve the bigger issue of her buying tons of crap you don't want/need. But at least you can donate or return for whatever you can get for it and then say "oh, geeze mom, I haven't seen that bow set in ages - it's probably shoved in a drawer around here somewhere!"
Oops, mom, they broke!
I know where the OP is coming from those. It's a delicate balance, figurg out where to set the boundaries without really pissing people off. For me, it wasn't terrible because, well, I live 2000-3000 miles away from family. They aren't going to see if we are using the stuff or not.
If your family is closer, you need to pick your battles, really. If they come by a lot, just saying "no more of this shit" can really start a big rift. Need to be a bit gentler. As I never had to deal with that, I don't know the "right" way for your family.
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Yes setting boundaries is the key. The problem is nobody respects them. My MIL is your run of the mill consumerist who buys gifts to show love. She agreed to no more baby clothes, yet here I am receiving more baby clothes every month or so. The baby clothes market is a true racket...each season a new print comes out of the exact same outfit so if you try to return an outfit it is "old" even though it was from a few months ago and is now worth 1/10 of a new outfit. Unfortunately I don't care enough to drive around town from store to store to make the exchanges right away because I don't go to department stores anymore and use this new tangled thing called the internet to buy stuff.
If anyone has read my previous posts in this thread, my mom is an actual hoarder. And she lives close so will question me from time to time on items that she believes are in my possession. Nothing will stop her, all I can do is relationship management at this point. but apparently another poster has solved this disease! "You are an adult now and need to start setting boundaries- yes- even with your own mother!!" Thank you for this! A lifetime of heartache, now solved! Maybe I can finally be a good example to my children now!
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We are buying a house and family thinks we have zero things for it, so they keep trying to give us stuff. We have a whole apartment that is fully furnished already. You can tell they want to get rid of their stuff very badly, but for some reason can't bring themselves to donate it and instead hoist it on us.
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We are buying a house and family thinks we have zero things for it, so they keep trying to give us stuff. We have a whole apartment that is fully furnished already. You can tell they want to get rid of their stuff very badly, but for some reason can't bring themselves to donate it and instead hoist it on us.
The reason this happens, I think, is because a lot of people justify overspending because they are "heirloom quality" and they think they can pass them down to their children. The alternative is to face the fact that they spent their lives earning money to buy things that immediately lost their value once purchased...
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My parents have been known to buy things spefcifically to become heirlooms. You have enough heirlooms already, mom and dad, kthanksbai!
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My mother is downsizing and moving in with me. She is frugal and has piles of stuff that are "too good to be tossed". THANKFULLY, she crossed a mental hurdle and is now selling piles and piles and piles of stuff. I very clearly told her that I wanted barely anything. 1-2 of her nice pots, her nice vacuum, one crystal vase (I actually said no - but she really wants me to have it. Since she sold the other 10 pieces of crystal, I'm OK with this), and one very nice painting (I like her other ones too but space is an issue so she sold the rest). My SIL sorted her photo collection a few years ago so she has everything condensed into a few albums.
I'm still in shock that she's willing to downsize from her huge house to my small basement bedroom. And that she's totally accepted that she cannot bring the 20 handbags she has piled in her closet (of which only 1-2 that she actually uses - many of the others are cracked/broken). She was telling me that she is totally fine downsizing from her gigantic walk-in closet to just one small closet - that she really doesn't need the dresses she bought 30 years ago.
It helps that she has to fly here and is restricted to 2 pieces of checked luggage :)
On the other end of the spectrum...I have stories of DH's grandmother. She was a HOARDER (but thankfully rarely went shopping). She liked to take things from my DD's closet when she was a baby (some still unworn!) and "gift" them to me 2-3 years later. Good thing all DD's stuff came from yard sales, etc so it really didn't bother me when a $3 dress went missing and reappeared when grandma finally gifted it to us :) Her thoughts were that I was wasteful and so she would take the pretty dresses for safekeeping. One time she stayed with me for a few months as she recovered from pneumonia. I knew her well enough by then to search through her stuff before she left and sure enough, there were some of my DD's clothes tucked in there!
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elaine amj.
This story about dress regifting baffles me.
If I have this straight..
1) You buy your daughter pretty dresses (from a variety of sources)
2) Hang them in the closet. Like most moms, these will current size or one dress size up.
3) Like most kids, DD only wears the "nice" stuff occasionally, and generally has more clothing than needed.
4) MIL sees this nice clothing "just sitting there being wasted", and sneaks it out of the closet...
.......?!?......
5)"Gifts" aka - returns it with a bow on it -- it to you when DD has outgrown it.
6) REPEAT
I am not sure what happens between 4 and 5. Does she know that she will return it to you later? Is she thinking of giving it to another person who needs it but doesn't? Thinks that you don't remember it, but if it is a gift, it will be appreciated and actually worn in future? Wants to have it in her home as a pretty thing until DD will wear it? What is prompting this?
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elaine amj.
This story about dress regifting baffles me.
If I have this straight..
1) You buy your daughter pretty dresses (from a variety of sources)
2) Hang them in the closet. Like most moms, these will current size or one dress size up.
3) Like most kids, DD only wears the "nice" stuff occasionally, and generally has more clothing than needed.
4) MIL sees this nice clothing "just sitting there being wasted", and sneaks it out of the closet...
.......?!?......
5)"Gifts" aka - returns it with a bow on it -- it to you when DD has outgrown it.
6) REPEAT
I am not sure what happens between 4 and 5. Does she know that she will return it to you later? Is she thinking of giving it to another person who needs it but doesn't? Thinks that you don't remember it, but if it is a gift, it will be appreciated and actually worn in future? Wants to have it in her home as a pretty thing until DD will wear it? What is prompting this?
LOL...I agree. It was absolutely bizarre. And yes, u got the story pretty much straight. Grand MIL would swipe a dress or two, stash it somewhere, then bring it out (usually a year or two later after DD outgrew it). She didn't gift wrap it (she never gift wrapped anything - she was in her 90s at this point) but would basically just say, "here's a pretty dress for DD".
I would humour her, say thank you prettily, and then add it to my resale pile. Once it was a very pretty dress that DD had never worn so I groaned a little.
Best I could figure is that she thought some of the dresses were so pretty that she better stash it so DD could enjoy it in the future. She only took pretty things. And no, she had no intention of giving it to anyone else but DD. One time she was there when I was selling DD's old clothes to a friend. She was horrified at some of the stuff I was selling and snuck it out of the bags before my friend left. Thankfully, I spotted it and snuck 'em away from her again haha! We never really discussed it and I just humoured her baffling behaviour.
Mostly I chalked it up to a quirky in law thing. Didn't bother me as I shopped at Mom sales frequently and my DD had a huge array of pretty dresses since I have a weaknesses for bargains (oh no - I hope I don't turn into one of the hoarder MILs in this thread!!)
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The most valuable thing anybody has is time. Everyone has the same 24-hour day. No one knows how many of those days. So spending someone else's time without his or her expressed consent is a terrible thing to do.
Most people will have to (and want to) help their parents through the end of their lives -- it's part of a life's work -- and that does take some time and energy. But parents who leave huge messes for their kids to deal with are spending an asset that isn't theirs to spend.
This is what I am going through right now. My mother passed away two years ago and now my Dad is going through cancer treatment with a prognosis that isn't very good. Last year, before he got ill, he gave my and my sister permission to start cleaning out Mom's stuff, but OMG what a mess. The living areas were OK except for stuffed cabinets and closets, but the basement, attic and garage were just terrible. And not only did they keep everything, when grandparents passed away, guess where it went? My parent's attic, so we were finding grandparents stuff and dealing with that.
My sister and I started to chip away at the dusty mess last year but Dad had started to hoard in other areas of the house, possibly in response. One room that had been partially cleaned up had stuff piled high again. I stopped going because it was counterproductive and stressing Dad out, causing fights between him and my sister who was overstepping and starting to toss his stuff. By this time he clearly was declining so I said I would focus on him and keeping him safe, not the stuff. Now that he is probably dying (and no longer in the home btw) I am taking him to some of his treatments and just visiting him. My sister, who is hellbent on that we go through everything, wants to start cleaning up again and this time she wants me to do this every weekend in addition to looking after Dad. I have told her that right now, my focus is on Dad, that's where I want to spend my time. I do not have time to deal with both. Time with my Dad is limited but the stuff can wait. Sister is not happy, but that's where I stand at the moment.
But.......they left a huge mess and I am not happy about that. It aggravates me that they didn't deal with it. To be fair, Mom did try and some very large items such as a camper and upright piano were gotten rid of. But where those items stood got replaced with more stuff. I just want to get a dumpster, a cleaning crew and chuck it all. But I will be in for a real battle after Dad passes because sister wants to go through everything and is insisting I spend that time.
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I am tremendously grateful to my sibling for talking my parents into moving out of their 5 bedroom 3-storey house into a small one-level condo while they were still healthy and able to deal with downsizing all of their crap.
I wouldn't call them hoarders, but they definitely had a lot of unnecessary things--partially thanks to having a giant house with loads of storage space. They have always been people who would buy the highest possible quality item with the intention of holding on to it forever. The trouble is that my father just continues to buy things and would rarely consider getting rid of anything. They also had lots of sentimental stuff from grandparents, and I'm grateful that they have already gone through the sorting process to keep a few items (photos, medals, & some special documents) and get rid of the rest (old suitcases, creepy dolls, etc).
Leading up to the move involved a year of "do you want Aunt Doris's old sewing table? Why don't you want this very large dresser?" My father did sneak four bike racks into our garage the last time he visited. We have learned to say nothing and just give away/sell as necessary.
When they moved, they sold a few items, but ended up putting a lot of really nice stuff on the curb with a "free" sign. The resaler in me cringed, but I'm happy not to have to deal with it. They still have a storage locker (or two) in addition to what's stored in their new condo, but it's a huge improvement over the house full of STUFF.
Of course, the main benefit of the condo is that they can navigate it even as their mobility declines. When one of them had to have surgery a few months ago, they were able to recover comfortably and safely at home. I really wish my spouse's parents would do the same.
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Having a baby is another excuse for our hoarder family members to force crap onto us. No matter how many times I tell my mom and MIL that we don't need more baby clothes and accessories (we need target gift cards for diapers, wipes, baby Tylenol, socks, etc) they just end us giving us TONS more clothing and accessories. They just can't stop themselves and love the excuse to do more shopping.
When my daughter was first born, my mom got her a set of bows, SIXTEEN bows to be exact. I told my mom she's doesn't have enough hair yet, she won't be able to wear these for a long time. My mom said it was too good of a deal to pass up $5 for all 16 bows!! Here I am, over a year later, finally using them for the first time and they are janky AF. The fabric is this ugly glittery cardboard like material that is hot glued onto these sharp little metal clasps. There are hot glue strings on the bows and one broke off when I was trying to unclasp it from the package it came in. My mom would say to save it and re-glue it on, but I don't want to waste any precious seconds of my life "saving" this ugly ass bow when I have 15 more of them anyway. They look ugly on my daughter because the metal clasp still sticks out from underneath the bow.
I really only need one bow, maybe two or three max. I would rather have one nice bow for $5 than 16 of these ugly cheap pieces of crap. But if I get rid of these and my mom ever found out I would never hear the end of it. Gotta save these little treasures in case my sister ever has a kid in the next decade. Smh.
No, you do not need to save that crap if you don't want it.
You are an adult now, and you can and should get to decide what crap comes into your house and what things you and your family want to use and what to give away. Gifts that are given with strings - expectations on what you can and cannot do with them - are not gifts.
If she gets mad at you for not saving something she gave you, you need a basic script to tell her: "mom, I told you I didn't want them or need them at the time you gave them to me and you insisted I take them. Understand they are going to be returned for store credit for things I really need right now, or donated." If she yells at you or in any way tries to control your household, that's when you leave/end the conversation. You don't have to sit there and be berated.
You can do this as politely as you feel like doing it, but honestly, you need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them or you will drown in the cheap crap that you aren't allowed to get rid of... and you're setting a poor example for your own children if you can't politely and firmly tell someone - yes, even your own mother - "sorry, but that's not going to work for me."
Or you could just cheerfully dispose of said items that you don't want and plead ignorance on where that thing got to if she ever questions its absence. Might be less confrontational, but won't solve the bigger issue of her buying tons of crap you don't want/need. But at least you can donate or return for whatever you can get for it and then say "oh, geeze mom, I haven't seen that bow set in ages - it's probably shoved in a drawer around here somewhere!"
Wow. So I am the one actually posting relevant new content to the discussion, and that is being extrapolated to now being accused of not being an adult and being a bad example to my children. Kind of asshole-ish don't you think?
Maybe there is more history that is too personal to share on this silly thread. But I don't know, apparently strangers on the internet must already know everything.
I saw nothing asshole-ish in Frankies Girl's response.
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I saw nothing asshole-ish in Frankies Girl's response.
+1
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My mother is obsessed with buying crap. For everyone. She still has toys she bought for me and my sibs from the goodwill that sat in the attic since I was 4 and I'm 30. My poor DH broke his back bringing down used 80s cabbage patch dolls when they moved, and yes they still have them. They now sit with everything else in a massive storage unit when they moved to a house 1/5 in size. My father proudly announced they had entered the tiny house movement but I'm not sure it counts when your storage unit is bigger than your house.
She is deeply offended that I refuse her stuff now. "How could I say no to this purse?!?" Maybe because I use exactly 1 purse. "But its *insert something that's supposed to be awesome here*!" That does not change the fact that I use 1 purse.
She gives my son sooo much crap its crazy. Everything spiderman. I tell her I didn't want lots of character stuff because I'd rather him create his own characters and it's too commercial, she just went around me and gave it to him as gifts. He's old enough to say he wants it but I hide the truly crappy stuff, if he doesn't notice I'll donate it (he never notices). Then she reminds him of it all and specifically tell him mommy hides his gifts and I'm stuck trying to find all this crap some of which is actually gone! It's so infuriating. She thinks I'm depriving him. Like he really need 5 spiderman shirts, a spiderman flashlight, spidey bedding, nightlight, swim suit, light switch cover and legos... all spidey. All from one birthday haul. It's beyond ridiculous.
I set limits, she ignores them, I get rid of it and she tattles on me so I have a tantrum kid. Gah!
I'm about ready to start refusing gifts from them. It would ruin our relationship. Though honestly it already is ruining our relationship.
It stresses me out enough that I have less interest in seeing her, which is sad because the gift issue aside I really love my mother even though shes cray.
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The most valuable thing anybody has is time. Everyone has the same 24-hour day. No one knows how many of those days. So spending someone else's time without his or her expressed consent is a terrible thing to do.
Most people will have to (and want to) help their parents through the end of their lives -- it's part of a life's work -- and that does take some time and energy. But parents who leave huge messes for their kids to deal with are spending an asset that isn't theirs to spend.
This is what I am going through right now. My mother passed away two years ago and now my Dad is going through cancer treatment with a prognosis that isn't very good. Last year, before he got ill, he gave my and my sister permission to start cleaning out Mom's stuff, but OMG what a mess. The living areas were OK except for stuffed cabinets and closets, but the basement, attic and garage were just terrible. And not only did they keep everything, when grandparents passed away, guess where it went? My parent's attic, so we were finding grandparents stuff and dealing with that.
My sister and I started to chip away at the dusty mess last year but Dad had started to hoard in other areas of the house, possibly in response. One room that had been partially cleaned up had stuff piled high again. I stopped going because it was counterproductive and stressing Dad out, causing fights between him and my sister who was overstepping and starting to toss his stuff. By this time he clearly was declining so I said I would focus on him and keeping him safe, not the stuff. Now that he is probably dying (and no longer in the home btw) I am taking him to some of his treatments and just visiting him. My sister, who is hellbent on that we go through everything, wants to start cleaning up again and this time she wants me to do this every weekend in addition to looking after Dad. I have told her that right now, my focus is on Dad, that's where I want to spend my time. I do not have time to deal with both. Time with my Dad is limited but the stuff can wait. Sister is not happy, but that's where I stand at the moment.
But.......they left a huge mess and I am not happy about that. It aggravates me that they didn't deal with it. To be fair, Mom did try and some very large items such as a camper and upright piano were gotten rid of. But where those items stood got replaced with more stuff. I just want to get a dumpster, a cleaning crew and chuck it all. But I will be in for a real battle after Dad passes because sister wants to go through everything and is insisting I spend that time.
Can you just let her go through it? Realistically though, it's probably emotional for her. I can see myself doing something like that - fixating on something tangible that I can "fix" when there's something else going on that I have no control over. It might sorta resolve itself eventually.
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https://www.treehugger.com/cleaning-organizing/swedish-death-cleaning-new-decluttering-trend.html
Not really a new idea to MMM'ers but perhaps the mainstream folks are noticing too?
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I saw nothing asshole-ish in Frankies Girl's response.
+1
+1, and she actually dealt with a similar situation and has experience. If you actually want to change the dynamic, you absolutely can, but you don't really sound like you want to. Which is fine of course, but maybe admitting it to yourself will bring a bit more peace to the situation..
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The most valuable thing anybody has is time. Everyone has the same 24-hour day. No one knows how many of those days. So spending someone else's time without his or her expressed consent is a terrible thing to do.
Most people will have to (and want to) help their parents through the end of their lives -- it's part of a life's work -- and that does take some time and energy. But parents who leave huge messes for their kids to deal with are spending an asset that isn't theirs to spend.
This is what I am going through right now. My mother passed away two years ago and now my Dad is going through cancer treatment with a prognosis that isn't very good. Last year, before he got ill, he gave my and my sister permission to start cleaning out Mom's stuff, but OMG what a mess. The living areas were OK except for stuffed cabinets and closets, but the basement, attic and garage were just terrible. And not only did they keep everything, when grandparents passed away, guess where it went? My parent's attic, so we were finding grandparents stuff and dealing with that.
My sister and I started to chip away at the dusty mess last year but Dad had started to hoard in other areas of the house, possibly in response. One room that had been partially cleaned up had stuff piled high again. I stopped going because it was counterproductive and stressing Dad out, causing fights between him and my sister who was overstepping and starting to toss his stuff. By this time he clearly was declining so I said I would focus on him and keeping him safe, not the stuff. Now that he is probably dying (and no longer in the home btw) I am taking him to some of his treatments and just visiting him. My sister, who is hellbent on that we go through everything, wants to start cleaning up again and this time she wants me to do this every weekend in addition to looking after Dad. I have told her that right now, my focus is on Dad, that's where I want to spend my time. I do not have time to deal with both. Time with my Dad is limited but the stuff can wait. Sister is not happy, but that's where I stand at the moment.
But.......they left a huge mess and I am not happy about that. It aggravates me that they didn't deal with it. To be fair, Mom did try and some very large items such as a camper and upright piano were gotten rid of. But where those items stood got replaced with more stuff. I just want to get a dumpster, a cleaning crew and chuck it all. But I will be in for a real battle after Dad passes because sister wants to go through everything and is insisting I spend that time.
Can you just let her go through it? Realistically though, it's probably emotional for her. I can see myself doing something like that - fixating on something tangible that I can "fix" when there's something else going on that I have no control over. It might sorta resolve itself eventually.
Getting back after a few days as my Dad passed away a couple of days ago. Now that he has passed sister is taking her bereavement time to continue cleaning out. Sister who lives out of state is here to help and I went down today to help out as well.
However, sister is highly emotional at this time to the point it's walking on eggshells around her. I very nearly did not go down to help because of (frankly) the abuse I got over the phone from her this morning. Too long to explain but in short she has a habit of going off like a stick of dynamite when I don't respond the way she wants me to which is easy to do, even on a good day. She told me that maybe she should just "do it all and she will mail me the check". Was very tempted to say OK to that.
Anyway, both sisters are very resentful of being left a mess. I get it, I really do but I am doubtful that this situation will resolve itself very soon as far as the emotional component goes. One good thing, high strung sister (who is executor of the estate) does want to hire cleaning crew and estate sale which will help. I will be going back the next two days to help, after that I am due back at work. I will be honest, going back to work will be a reprieve from dealing with the mess and the screaming sister and that's saying something considering that I would rather deal with end users (I work in IT) in a 300 employee facility.
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I think throwing away the stuff that is junk can be done by you 3 and then having the estate people say what will sell. You don't want to throw away something that may be valuable but not look like it. Having cleaners is a excellent idea. I know from personal experience that if only 1 person is stuck doing it is so not fun. I think it is a combination of resentment and grief on the part of your sister. This made me determined to leave no such mess to my kids and have been downsizing a lot the last 10 years and I am only 63. One of my 2 sibs is volatile and I find it very unnerving to the point that I try to be invisible which is not good either. It is so stressful.
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My wife and I have been trying to get my parents dehoard their home for the last few years, before my sister and I are stuck with trying to deal with the horrific task ourselves. No luck though. My parents house seems ok, if you stick to the main level where the living room, kitchen and family room are. If you venture upstairs, the hallway is filled with crap. All 3 bedrooms are filled with crap, books/boxes/files, it's piled on the bed, on top of TVs everywhere. You go to the basement, you have to maneuver though tiny alleyways to get around all the junk, clothes/bins/boxes. Then there is the garage, it is in a state of disrepair, and it can't be repaired because of all the stuff in it. The garage door broke about 6 years ago, when the car was still being driven into the garage, and when that happened, it became "Oh I'll someone fix that next week, in the meantime, I'll just store this stuff where the car used to go" and within a month or two there was no turning back, no one could get in to fix the garage door. Then the storage unit came about 2 years ago, as a "temporary" solution to help with "sorting" all the stuff. We knew then, as we know now, that the storage unit will be kept until the death of my father. Sadly my parents financial affairs aren't much better, they would be fine if they could cut back just a little bit, but they won't.
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My grandma gave me a ceramic flower candle-holder handmade by my great-grandma. So sentimental. But I have no space in my house for such a thing and it's already broken a few times. Can I get rid of it? Or do I just keep it in the back of my closet forever?
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My grandma gave me a ceramic flower candle-holder handmade by my great-grandma. So sentimental. But I have no space in my house for such a thing and it's already broken a few times. Can I get rid of it? Or do I just keep it in the back of my closet forever?
Is it sentimental to you, or to your grandma? There's a big difference. If it's your grandma, then either give it back to her or get rid of it (and probably don't tell grandma). If it's you, you need to determine if it's worthwhile for you hang on to something that you will not be able to use and will only take up space.
This is an ongoing issue with my mom. She has a lot of stuff that she is sentimentally attached to. She CANNOT understand that her children may not have the same attachment to an item that she does, and that we may be attached to things that she is not. She's gotten around part of this by asking us if we want things before she gets rid of it.
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My grandma gave me a ceramic flower candle-holder handmade by my great-grandma. So sentimental. But I have no space in my house for such a thing and it's already broken a few times. Can I get rid of it? Or do I just keep it in the back of my closet forever?
Take a photo of it, and then donate or trash (if it's broken). If it bugs you to throw it away, you could post it up on facebook/freecycle/craigslist as a giveaway so someone that really liked it could come get it and put it to use in a crafting project or something. You'll have the image forever (at least until you decide you no longer need it to refer to the item), and the memories and sentiment are still there if you feel the need to remind yourself of it.
As you don't even display it, you can pretend to yourself that it is technically still in the house somewhere stored. That's one of the games I play with myself when trying to let go of sentimental items. After a while, I then ease into the idea that the object has likely found a new home with someone that likes it and gets actual use out of it instead of collecting dust in my closets. And most of the time, I never really think of it again. I won't unless specifically reminded of it, and once it's been a while, it doesn't have the same sort of power over me.
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Ah, the sentimental trap.
About 7 years ago, at my father's instruction, my sister, cousin, and I went through our grandmother's house to keep anything we wanted prior to her moving into assisted living. I got a box or two of photos, some practical items we needed at the time (vacuum, towels, good pots and pans), and a few sentimental items (gravy boat, lamp, etc.). My sister took home about 4x as much stuff as I recall. Grandmother passed away later that year and my father sold her house with the remaining contents.
Just this past week, sister calls to see if I want any of grandmother's things--she is trying to clean out her storage area above her garage. I kindly told her that I had taken what I wanted back then. She just can't seem to part with stuff. Like photos from my grandparents RV travels over the years. She wonders if the forest service might want to have a record of what the countryside looked like back then. Or my parents (35 years divorced) guest book from their wedding. Mixed in all of that stuff are my grandfather's WWII medals and letters from villages he liberated in France. It's like she can't cull the useful or personally sentimental from the rest. None of us want it. She doesn't want it. But she can't bear to toss it out. To her, it feels like she's tossing out our grandparents.
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Ah, the sentimental trap.
About 7 years ago, at my father's instruction, my sister, cousin, and I went through our grandmother's house to keep anything we wanted prior to her moving into assisted living. I got a box or two of photos, some practical items we needed at the time (vacuum, towels, good pots and pans), and a few sentimental items (gravy boat, lamp, etc.). My sister took home about 4x as much stuff as I recall. Grandmother passed away later that year and my father sold her house with the remaining contents.
Just this past week, sister calls to see if I want any of grandmother's things--she is trying to clean out her storage area above her garage. I kindly told her that I had taken what I wanted back then. She just can't seem to part with stuff. Like photos from my grandparents RV travels over the years. She wonders if the forest service might want to have a record of what the countryside looked like back then. Or my parents (35 years divorced) guest book from their wedding. Mixed in all of that stuff are my grandfather's WWII medals and letters from villages he liberated in France. It's like she can't cull the useful or personally sentimental from the rest. None of us want it. She doesn't want it. But she can't bear to toss it out. To her, it feels like she's tossing out our grandparents.
WWII medals and letters from France sound like neat family history possibly worth preserving. The rest of it sounds like junk.
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I was trying to purge some of my stuff this weekend. Not very successfully.
I came across a small toy in a bag (a stuffie) that was my mother's when she was a child. It has a note with it "The only toy I have left from my childhood." She gave it to me. I don't know why. She's still alive, and, we don't have a great relationship so I don't see this as a precious item. I have permission to take a picture and throw it away, correct? I could give it to my daughter (who is 5) but it's sort of scratchy and she has plenty of stuff anyways.
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I was trying to purge some of my stuff this weekend. Not very successfully.
I came across a small toy in a bag (a stuffie) that was my mother's when she was a child. It has a note with it "The only toy I have left from my childhood." She gave it to me. I don't know why. She's still alive, and, we don't have a great relationship so I don't see this as a precious item. I have permission to take a picture and throw it away, correct? I could give it to my daughter (who is 5) but it's sort of scratchy and she has plenty of stuff anyways.
YES! If you need the permission - consider it granted from the strange people out on the internet... ;)
Take a nice photo of the stuffie and the note itself, save it to the cloud or whatever, and throw it in a donate pile if you can't bear the thought of putting it in the trash. They'll recycle it if they think it won't sell. It will go where it needs to go, but you absolutely can send it on its way now.
And then if your mother ever, EVER asks about it... it is buried in a closet or the garage or someplace. You will look for it next weekend (and then don't bring it up or say you never got around to it, maybe next month when you tackle the garage or basement...). Little white lies will be fine in this case, because if she truly wanted to keep it then it was her responsibility to actually KEEP it, in her house.
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My grandma gave me a ceramic flower candle-holder handmade by my great-grandma. So sentimental. But I have no space in my house for such a thing and it's already broken a few times. Can I get rid of it? Or do I just keep it in the back of my closet forever?
The best advice I've ever gotten on stuff like this is to take a couple of good pictures of the thing...and then get rid of the thing. And in the case of a grandmother item, I might do a 10-second video of the thing with a little narration about and how much I love Grandma SoAndSo and how she gave this to me when XYZ...you get the picture. Then put the digital reminder on a backup hard drive or in cloud storage (Dropbox or whatever) and you'll "have it" forever.
I have done this with dozens of items and lightened my load (physically and emotionally) by what feels like tons. So freeing!
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I had a friend that was/is a hoarder.
He said, the object is a link to a memory that he wishes to retain.
If you can delink the memory and the object (by photograph or other means), then you might be partially solved.
Of course, why he wanted to keep ALL those memories (including truly trivial ones), is beyond me.
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Ah, the sentimental trap.
About 7 years ago, at my father's instruction, my sister, cousin, and I went through our grandmother's house to keep anything we wanted prior to her moving into assisted living. I got a box or two of photos, some practical items we needed at the time (vacuum, towels, good pots and pans), and a few sentimental items (gravy boat, lamp, etc.). My sister took home about 4x as much stuff as I recall. Grandmother passed away later that year and my father sold her house with the remaining contents.
Just this past week, sister calls to see if I want any of grandmother's things--she is trying to clean out her storage area above her garage. I kindly told her that I had taken what I wanted back then. She just can't seem to part with stuff. Like photos from my grandparents RV travels over the years. She wonders if the forest service might want to have a record of what the countryside looked like back then. Or my parents (35 years divorced) guest book from their wedding. Mixed in all of that stuff are my grandfather's WWII medals and letters from villages he liberated in France. It's like she can't cull the useful or personally sentimental from the rest. None of us want it. She doesn't want it. But she can't bear to toss it out. To her, it feels like she's tossing out our grandparents.
WWII medals and letters from France sound like neat family history possibly worth preserving. The rest of it sounds like junk.
Oh, I didn't write carefully. Yes, I agree. That's the only thing that I'd be interested in taking as well. And it would fit in a shoebox.
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My MIL and my mom are both hoarders.
My MIL buys stuff at the dollar store and mails it to us. Or she'll call my husband and derail his day with a 90 minute conversation about the things she's packing into a box to send to us. Like there will be a silver platter and she is sending it to us (even though she knows we hate her stuff) and this is the story of it and all these family members were involved and blah blah blah you can't get rid of it! And it ends with "once you get the box if you don't want it save it for your sister". And that sister is a hoarder too and I have no idea why any of this stuff is even sent to us. We have gotten in trouble for getting rid of so many 'valuable' things that I truly thought by now people would know better than to give (force upon) us. And I don't want to save piles of stuff to save for when I see my sister in law because it feels like enabling her hoarding when we give her stuff. In summary, my MIL spends about $400 a year on postage sending us stuff (sometimes an envelope with 1 coupon in it)... And i just really wish she'd put that $400 in a college account for my kids or something.
My mom has always spent beyond her means to buy stuff. And now she's gone from a 2400 sf place, to 1100 sf of space, and now just recently to 675 sf of space. And my sister claims that there is stuff coming out the front and back doors on to the porches at her apartment complex. Yikes.
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Yes. I recently received a table saw replacement blade. I do not have a table saw. The "replacement" is rusted and likely dangerous. But apparently, it only cost 34 cents.
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Family also loves sending my husband and I things that are kinda similar to what we like, but in not related. I like yoga, therefore I will appreciate this running magazine from the 80s.
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Family also loves sending my husband and I things that are kinda similar to what we like, but in not related. I like yoga, therefore I will appreciate this running magazine from the 80s.
Hahahahhahahhahaha, that's awesome.
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This hits close to home. My father and his new spouse are collectors. They are always collecting something. Money, stamps, designer glass items, porcelain figures, knick knacks, old furniture etc. They love going to garage sales and auctions. They also have hard time of letting things go, or throwing them out. Sometimes they will sells stuff at garage sales or antique shops. They are fine financially and some of the stuff they own is actually legit valuable (like design furniture, lamps and artwork), but its so intermixed with just plain 1€ crap that the actually nice things don't get a chance to shine. They live surrounded by so much stuff. They have a huge apartment, a farmhouse with barn and other buildings and our family summer cottage.
Given that they have a hard time throwing things out or selling them at a loss, they try to give me and my brother a lot of stuff. I have told them many times that I don't want any of it. Still my dad tries and tries to give us more things I don't need or want. I have not resorted to either giving it back or plain selling them. The summer cottage, which we now own together is where this usually happens. There are three buildings on the plot, so we have unofficially divided the buildings, so that my dad has the biggest (old main house) and my brother has one of the buildings and I have one. So every summer my without fail stuff will just appear by the houses my brother and I are responsible for. Its not even usable stuff, its usually ugly knick-knacks like a plastic lighthouse thats like 1,5m tall or artworks. I don't know how to stop it. I return some of the stuff, but then feel sort of guilty.
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Yes. I recently received a table saw replacement blade. I do not have a table saw. The "replacement" is rusted and likely dangerous. But apparently, it only cost 34 cents.
My mother, Old Mrs Fredbear, went through the depression, and any gifts she gave became the kernel of a story. It took me years to understand that everything she gave would be defective, because if you gave something nice, people might actually like it rather than you, whereas if you gave a piece of crap, and they were still nice to you, they actually liked you rather than it. The one I'm remembering today was a monkeypod salad bowl shaped like a large leaf and oiled to a sheen. It had a split 3/4" wide running nearly the length of the bowl. I called her up to tell her it had been damaged in shipping, and she should make a claim.
"Oh, it was split when I got it."
"What? Split when you got it? But, it's unusable. What am I supposed to do with a salad bowl split almost end-to-end? The salad will fall out and the dressing will smear the table."
"Well, it was such a bargain."
I like to think I have ruthlessly stripped away all the Fredbear family eccentricities, and what is left is a core of dull, wholesome American normality. But there is always the rude suspicion that the eccentric loon is the last to know. One day I was fatuously telling my daughter what a standard average father she had had, and she said, "Right, dad. All the daddies sat in the soccer stands reading Ovid's Ars Amatoria."
Timing is everything. If I had not cast out the bowl a couple decades back, I could ask to borrow your rusty table saw blade, cut the bowl fully in half, plane it, and glue it back together, lanceolate rather than ovoid. And give it to one of my kids once the glue joint started to fail.
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Yes. I recently received a table saw replacement blade. I do not have a table saw. The "replacement" is rusted and likely dangerous. But apparently, it only cost 34 cents.
My mother, Old Mrs Fredbear, went through the depression, and any gifts she gave became the kernel of a story. It took me years to understand that everything she gave would be defective, because if you gave something nice, people might actually like it rather than you, whereas if you gave a piece of crap, and they were still nice to you, they actually liked you rather than it. The one I'm remembering today was a monkeypod salad bowl shaped like a large leaf and oiled to a sheen. It had a split 3/4" wide running nearly the length of the bowl. I called her up to tell her it had been damaged in shipping, and she should make a claim.
"Oh, it was split when I got it."
"What? Split when you got it? But, it's unusable. What am I supposed to do with a salad bowl split almost end-to-end? The salad will fall out and the dressing will smear the table."
"Well, it was such a bargain."
I like to think I have ruthlessly stripped away all the Fredbear family eccentricities, and what is left is a core of dull, wholesome American normality. But there is always the rude suspicion that the eccentric loon is the last to know. One day I was fatuously telling my daughter what a standard average father she had had, and she said, "Right, dad. All the daddies sat in the soccer stands reading Ovid's Ars Amatoria."
Timing is everything. If I had not cast out the bowl a couple decades back, I could ask to borrow your rusty table saw blade, cut the bowl fully in half, plane it, and glue it back together, lanceolate rather than ovoid. And give it to one of my kids once the glue joint started to fail.
I love this story. It almost makes me sad that I got rid of the blade. But really, it's probably good that I did. I'll just have to think of this story next time I get something broken or ridiculous and tell my parents that I love them.
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My dad gave me an electric drill sharpener a decade ago. I tried to tell him to keep it, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. It sat forgotten and unused in my basement from the moment he gave it to me.
He never asked about it after that. I finally sold it at the beginning of the year.
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This hits close to home. My father and his new spouse are collectors. They are always collecting something. Money, stamps, designer glass items, porcelain figures, knick knacks, old furniture etc. They love going to garage sales and auctions. They also have hard time of letting things go, or throwing them out. Sometimes they will sells stuff at garage sales or antique shops. They are fine financially and some of the stuff they own is actually legit valuable (like design furniture, lamps and artwork), but its so intermixed with just plain 1€ crap that the actually nice things don't get a chance to shine. They live surrounded by so much stuff. They have a huge apartment, a farmhouse with barn and other buildings and our family summer cottage.
Given that they have a hard time throwing things out or selling them at a loss, they try to give me and my brother a lot of stuff. I have told them many times that I don't want any of it. Still my dad tries and tries to give us more things I don't need or want. I have not resorted to either giving it back or plain selling them. The summer cottage, which we now own together is where this usually happens. There are three buildings on the plot, so we have unofficially divided the buildings, so that my dad has the biggest (old main house) and my brother has one of the buildings and I have one. So every summer my without fail stuff will just appear by the houses my brother and I are responsible for. Its not even usable stuff, its usually ugly knick-knacks like a plastic lighthouse thats like 1,5m tall or artworks. I don't know how to stop it. I return some of the stuff, but then feel sort of guilty.
It's ok to recycle it, donate it, throw it out, or whatever. If they don't like your disposing of it, then maybe they'll stop giving it to you. You're allowing yourself to be walked on and made unhappy. Stop.
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My MIL likes to show affection through giving gifts, but I am at the stage of my life where I am trying hard to get rid of stuff. Stuff causes me stress, so I have to work hard not to have a gut reaction of “no” every time she gives us stuff. Sometimes it is legitimately good and a lot of the time it is just stuff. She is slowly getting the message that we don’t want more stuff. That is slowly the flow down, but it also means that she will instead just sneak stuff into our house and into the cupboards where we will find them later. I haven’t wanted to say anything because I already feel like the bitchy, ungrateful DIL. The other day my husband found something new that materialized in our drawer of medicinal supplies and commented how it drove him nuts that his mother out more stuff there without telling him. At least it isn’t just me!
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Man - I don't want a broken gift. Just come eat a meal with us or go for a walk or have a cup of coffee.
I think about things too much. I'd think myself right into a funk if I sat around wondering why a relative always gave us defective gifts. It would be a sign that they didn't care enough to give something (whatever the price) that was worth a damn.
This thread has motivated me to carry off another trunk load of stuff to Goodwill this weekend and determine if a couple of things I've been procrastinating about repairing are worth repairing. If they aren't - they too can go - this weekend.
We need another round of clutter reduction before the holidays.
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Oh yeah, my dad does this. He just
unloaded on sent me a Mickey Mouse watch that he'd had restored, and he even included the receipt for $98.13 to prove he'd had it restored. What a love!
He asked me whether I'd eventually want my step-mom's watch, now valued at $8,000. Hell yes! I plan to sell it and open a new retirement account.
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Not yet.
But MIL takes great delight in pointing out that her massive (I'm talking 4 full-sized crystal cabinets full) collection of old glass and crystal will be mine when she dies. Husband is an only child.
Nope. Not going to happen.
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My mom made me take a box full of Norman Rockwell figurines. I have them in my garage in case she ever asks about them or wants to give them to someone else (though she has probably forgotten all about them). After she passes I'll sell them on eBay where they seem to go for about $5-20 each.
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Not yet.
But MIL takes great delight in pointing out that her massive (I'm talking 4 full-sized crystal cabinets full) collection of old glass and crystal will be mine when she dies. Husband is an only child.
Nope. Not going to happen.
I gladly took all the beautiful cut glass wineglasses and drinking glasses my aunt kept for best and use them every day. I'm clumsy (on the spectrum, thanks) and there won't be much if anything left to burden anyone else with.
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Not yet.
But MIL takes great delight in pointing out that her massive (I'm talking 4 full-sized crystal cabinets full) collection of old glass and crystal will be mine when she dies. Husband is an only child.
Nope. Not going to happen.
I gladly took all the beautiful cut glass wineglasses and drinking glasses my aunt kept for best and use them every day. I'm clumsy (on the spectrum, thanks) and there won't be much if anything left to burden anyone else with.
If she had anything like that I would too. But I'm talking spun glass and crystal totally non-utilitarian ornamental only trinkets. There's probably one or two useful things I'll keep for the memories, but the rest are purely decorative.
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I had a friend that was/is a hoarder.
He said, the object is a link to a memory that he wishes to retain.
If you can delink the memory and the object (by photograph or other means), then you might be partially solved.
Of course, why he wanted to keep ALL those memories (including truly trivial ones), is beyond me.
My in-laws and my wife give me this memory excuse all the time. I truly cannot figure out how to overcome it.
I'm not great at managing my stuff either. I think we're doomed.
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My mom made me take a box full of Norman Rockwell figurines. I have them in my garage in case she ever asks about them or wants to give them to someone else (though she has probably forgotten all about them). After she passes I'll sell them on eBay where they seem to go for about $5-20 each.
Did you see if people were actually bidding on these?
There are tons of listings on ebay, but no bids. I can't imagine many people buy figurines anymore. I have an aunt whose home is cluttered with Hummels, but she stopped buying them too. They are cute and I wouldn't mind owning one, but that would be it.
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Not yet.
But MIL takes great delight in pointing out that her massive (I'm talking 4 full-sized crystal cabinets full) collection of old glass and crystal will be mine when she dies. Husband is an only child.
Nope. Not going to happen.
I gladly took all the beautiful cut glass wineglasses and drinking glasses my aunt kept for best and use them every day. I'm clumsy (on the spectrum, thanks) and there won't be much if anything left to burden anyone else with.
If she had anything like that I would too. But I'm talking spun glass and crystal totally non-utilitarian ornamental only trinkets. There's probably one or two useful things I'll keep for the memories, but the rest are purely decorative.
When we got married, we received several crystal pieces (bowl, plates, glasses) that I finally got rid of last week. I had them in the box to eventually list on ebay, but after seeing so many listings and nobody buying, I finally donated them just to get them out of the house and out of my hair. If someone can sell them themselves or use them, that's their gain. I only used the bowl occasionally at the holidays but the other stuff saw no use at all, it gathered dust in cabinets and was only taken out when we moved.
Sibs and I are dealing with cleaning out parents' home after Dad passed a few weeks ago. Tons of china, crystal, figurines (Hummels, Iladros). Sister is thinking this can go in estate sale which is fine, though I don't think she realizes that a lot of this stuff isn't going to go for much, unless we are lucky to have just the right people come through. Sister has the $$$ signs in her eyes though.
I only took the one Iladro that my mom bought because it reminded her of me as a little girl. I am not a figurine person having banished most of them to a box in the garage years ago (before undertaking a paint job in the living room and never brought them back out) but this particular one I felt I would regret letting go.
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My mom made me take a box full of Norman Rockwell figurines. I have them in my garage in case she ever asks about them or wants to give them to someone else (though she has probably forgotten all about them). After she passes I'll sell them on eBay where they seem to go for about $5-20 each.
Did you see if people were actually bidding on these?
There are tons of listings on ebay, but no bids. I can't imagine many people buy figurines anymore. I have an aunt whose home is cluttered with Hummels, but she stopped buying them too. They are cute and I wouldn't mind owning one, but that would be it.
Yes, amazingly, people do still buy them. The prices that I mentioned are the prices that they sold for (you can filter for this on eBay).
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This makes me sad, though at least it was only a small financial loss. About 15 years ago, my mom secretly started buying toys on ebay that matched some of the "favorite" toys that my brothers and I had when we were kids. These were mostly little Fisher Price people and sets. She was hiding them up in the attic. When we discovered this stash and asked her about it, first she lied and said they were our old toys. Then she came clean and said that the originals my brothers and I used were too beat up, and she wanted to be able to pass our "favorites" along to our own children whenever we had them, so she was getting used toys that were in better condition than our own. But, yeah, my brothers and I would not want our own old toys, let alone old toys from a bunch of strangers.
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I re-purchased a couple of toys that I had as a kid that I wore out. Gave them to our kids and they got some use out of them but they seemed pretty primitive to our kids compared to computer games and other electric gadgets. They were great gifts for less than $50 combined but my kids never wore them out like I did.
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Wife's aunt decided to get rid of a bunch of Christmas decorations and other house decor one year. She asked my MIL if we would be interested in having it (not sure why she didn't ask us instead). Apparently my MIL told her we would be so she loaded up her vehicle (she lives a few hundred miles from us) and drove to our house. When she started to take out all the storage containers from her vehicle, I kindly told her that we were not interested in having all that stuff but thanks for thinking of us. My MIL's jaw about hit the floor.
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A while ago I saw an online article listing five things baby-boomers have that their kids are just going to throw in the trash.
1. Precious Moments.
2. Hummels.
3. Thomas Kincaide stuff.
4. Antique Glass.
5. CD's.
Except for #4, I've decided I'm pretty much cooked if I survive any of my parents or in-laws.
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I had to google Thomas Kinkaide. This is seriously a mass phenomenon? I think it's absolutely hideous. I can't imagine more than 1 person out of 100 liking that style, please tell me it's not more than that.
My parents are going to leave my brother and I exactly 2 pieces of art: numbered and signed hand-watercolored Dali lithographic prints with all the paperwork. I don't recall one of them, but the other is the Chest of Drawers from Divinna Commedia. I guess the value of the prints is in the low 4 figures.
(http://homoliteratus.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/O-Purgat%C3%B3rio-Canto-I-O-Anjo-Ca%C3%ADdo.jpg)
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A while ago I saw an online article listing five things baby-boomers have that their kids are just going to throw in the trash.
1. Precious Moments.
2. Hummels.
3. Thomas Kincaide stuff.
4. Antique Glass.
5. CD's.
Except for #4, I've decided I'm pretty much cooked if I survive any of my parents or in-laws.
Estate sales followed by donation/dumpster. Good luck.
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I had to google Thomas Kinkaide. This is seriously a mass phenomenon? I think it's absolutely hideous. I can't imagine more than 1 person out of 100 liking that style, please tell me it's not more than that.
My parents are going to leave my brother and I exactly 2 pieces of art: numbered and signed hand-watercolored Dali lithographic prints with all the paperwork. I don't recall one of them, but the other is the Chest of Drawers from Divinna Commedia. I guess the value of the prints is in the low 4 figures.
Hah, well, different tastes. They seem very unpopular with the MMM crowd, but personally I like most of the Thomas Kinkade pictures I've seen online. And TBH I think the picture you posted is hideous. :P
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I had to google Thomas Kinkaide. This is seriously a mass phenomenon? I think it's absolutely hideous. I can't imagine more than 1 person out of 100 liking that style, please tell me it's not more than that.
My parents are going to leave my brother and I exactly 2 pieces of art: numbered and signed hand-watercolored Dali lithographic prints with all the paperwork. I don't recall one of them, but the other is the Chest of Drawers from Divinna Commedia. I guess the value of the prints is in the low 4 figures.
I'm not sure what might be considered hideous about Kinkaides. While I reconginze that Kinkaide has great technical skill, I certainly don't see Kinkaide works as sophisticated art - gererally portraing idealistic scenes that seems to appeal to the masses to me. I don't expect that much Kinkaide work (if any) will appreciate as some fine art does. I'm not sure if I would keep a Kinkaide if I inherited it, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't purchase one. If I inherrited "Chest of Drawers" I would certainly be inclined to sell it.
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I think Thomas Kinkade style appeals to the nostalgia enthusiasts. Everything is tidy and pretty and serene. Old places but not run down. Sort of a storybook picture.
As for the "chest of drawers" by Dali. Interesting concept. Not anything I would want to hang in my house though.
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I think I'm probably the 'parent' asked about. I have told the kids when their Dad and I are gone, just take what you want and have a big farm auction for the rest. That's how a lot of the stuff got here anyways. I remember my Dad and I used to go to farm auctions all summer.
A lot here has a family connection and I intend to leave a detailed list so if they're getting rid of something, they know what they're getting rid of.
I have a child sized roll top desk that my fil used as a kid, it even has his little rimmed glasses in it and a few books in it. He was born in 1930 for my youngest son.It is for our youngest son, TheHusbandHalf has already told the kids.
There's a high chair from the 30's that folds down into a stroller that's going to my daughter
and the grandfather clock that's going to my oldest son.
Oh, just remembered. In the basement is a prototype of a cart that their great great grandfather made and I have the patent paper to go with it. I think it's from 1880 or so.
Oh, I have 3 quilts that my kids' great great grandma made - in perfect condition as her daughter wanted them to be kept.
She kept all these things, many in a trunk in her basement, I kind of felt obligated to preserve them and pass them on. If someone wants to get rid of them, that's ok, I just couldn't do it.
Stop me, I could go on all night!
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I think I'm probably the 'parent' asked about. I have told the kids when their Dad and I are gone, just take what you want and have a big farm auction for the rest. That's how a lot of the stuff got here anyways. I remember my Dad and I used to go to farm auctions all summer.
A lot here has a family connection and I intend to leave a detailed list so if they're getting rid of something, they know what they're getting rid of.
I have a child sized roll top desk that my fil used as a kid, it even has his little rimmed glasses in it and a few books in it. He was born in 1930 for my youngest son.It is for our youngest son, TheHusbandHalf has already told the kids.
There's a high chair from the 30's that folds down into a stroller that's going to my daughter
and the grandfather clock that's going to my oldest son.
Oh, just remembered. In the basement is a prototype of a cart that their great great grandfather made and I have the patent paper to go with it. I think it's from 1880 or so.
Oh, I have 3 quilts that my kids' great great grandma made - in perfect condition as her daughter wanted them to be kept.
She kept all these things, many in a trunk in her basement, I kind of felt obligated to preserve them and pass them on. If someone wants to get rid of them, that's ok, I just couldn't do it.
Stop me, I could go on all night!
There are people out there that may love and cherish some of those things more than your family does... do think about selling some of the better items now, to make it easier later.
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There are people out there that may love and cherish some of those things more than your family does... do think about selling some of the better items now, to make it easier later.
Agreed. Plus, ask around the family. I have a cousin who is keeper of the family archive and who has already very happily taken custody of some family stuff I don't have room for and is the designated end recipient for the rest.
If you do sell, please try to sell with the "story". It's a good idea to write what you know about it on a postcard or sticky label and attach it to the item - it may or may not add to the financial value but will make it more likely that the item will be kept and treasured into the future.
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I could go on all night!
There are people out there that may love and cherish some of those things more than your family does... do think about selling some of the better items now, to make it easier later.
I've thought of that. I think when the kids are in a better place to keep things, I will ask them.
I have the DNA to live to my mid 90's (My paternal Grandfather was 96 when he died, despite a cholesterol of 289! My materanl Grandmother and her sisters lived to 94-97) and though of course that is no guarantee I was thinking I had more time to figure all this out.
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My MIL is a lovely and wonderful person. However, she clearly does not like to throw things away. So what happens is that literally every time we go for a visit (which is very often), we come home with a bag of almost-spoiled food or old toys or a knick knack or newspaper clippings or SOMETHING. I've come to just accept it as trying to refuse is futile and toss it in the garbage/compost/donation bin.
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Oh please, do keep the story with the object. We've inherited a few little things and there is no back story to go with it. This table, that set of China, and so forth. Grandparents are long gone at this point. No way to ask.
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This thread speaks to my soul!
My mom is a mild hoarder. Her house is stacked with giant plastic containers, filled with random things. She has a whole closet of clothing in pristine condition that she hasn't worn since the 80s. There are things in heaps on the floor that I remember from 15 years ago, sitting in exactly the same heaps.
Christmas has been miserable since I was in college. My mom takes the holiday as an opportunity to pass junk along to me, in the hopes that I will carry it out of her house. In this manner she can declutter without actually having to throw anything away.
For a while I tried not to be super blunt about it. I would tell her I didn't really want these things, but I would relent and bring at least some of the stuff back with me. (And sometimes she would hide unwanted things in my suitcase for me to discover upon arriving home.) Gradually all these books I never wanted to read and jewelry I never wanted to wear and tchotchkes I had no interest in started to accumulate and junk up our small apartment.
One Christmas a few years back I just broke. She had piled tons of wrapped gifts around the tree, to the point where the gifts almost filled the room. The visual impression was of bounty and generosity. But then we started opening the gifts and it was clear that each object was some random, broken-down thing from the house that she didn't want anymore. Or something she had ordered off of eBay and then regretted when it turned out to be of poor quality. Used slippers in her size... cheapo trinket jewelry... stained table cloths... I think my husband weirdly got some of my brother's old toys?
Because there were SO MANY gifts, this just went on forever. I feel like we were sitting there for hours just unwrapping each gift and trying to pretend to be at least okay with each one. It became grueling.
I finally offered my view that these gifts represented the opposite of true generosity or caring. They were clearly just things she had and didn't want anymore. Each one represented a burden for us to have to deal with, and none of them showed any kind of care or relevance to our lives or interests. Instead of bringing joy, the gifts seemed thoughtless, and the sheer quantity of them was exhausting and destroying the Christmas spirit.
I begged my mom not to give me any more gifts. Not for Christmas. Not for my birthday (when huge boxes of junk would show up at our door). I told her that anything she gave me would go directly into the trash or donation bin. And I would never take these things home with me.
Since then, two things have happened:
(1) We have successfully started transitioning to "experience" gifts! Over Christmas we'll go to see a concert or take a day trip to an interesting place in the area. This is actually fun and enjoyable.
Mom still tries to give us a few gifts, but she accepts that we will just leave them in her house. In a weird way, she's leaned in to the "horrible gift giving" concept to the point where we can all find it humorous, a bit like a White Elephant gift exchange.
(2) My mom has realized that I have a weak spot... gifts with some sort of connection to family history. So she'll send me some lace doilies, saying, "I think your great-grandmother might have made these... but I'm not sure, these might have been the ones I picked up at a yard sale." It creates a real quandary for me, as I treasure heirloom mementos but have this sad sense that everything is getting mixed up and confused.
In the past I've given seemingly random gifts away only to get a phone call years later along the lines of: "Remember that pencil case I gave you seven years ago? Well I think that might have been the one handmade by grandpa before the war." Breaks my heart.
I've been begging her to keep better track of what is what and to avoid accumulating new junk since we already have so much old junk.
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This thread speaks to my soul!
My mom is a mild hoarder. Her house is stacked with giant plastic containers, filled with random things. She has a whole closet of clothing in pristine condition that she hasn't worn since the 80s. There are things in heaps on the floor that I remember from 15 years ago, sitting in exactly the same heaps.
Christmas has been miserable since I was in college. My mom takes the holiday as an opportunity to pass junk along to me, in the hopes that I will carry it out of her house. In this manner she can declutter without actually having to throw anything away.
For a while I tried not to be super blunt about it. I would tell her I didn't really want these things, but I would relent and bring at least some of the stuff back with me. (And sometimes she would hide unwanted things in my suitcase for me to discover upon arriving home.) Gradually all these books I never wanted to read and jewelry I never wanted to wear and tchotchkes I had no interest in started to accumulate and junk up our small apartment.
One Christmas a few years back I just broke. She had piled tons of wrapped gifts around the tree, to the point where the gifts almost filled the room. The visual impression was of bounty and generosity. But then we started opening the gifts and it was clear that each object was some random, broken-down thing from the house that she didn't want anymore. Or something she had ordered off of eBay and then regretted when it turned out to be of poor quality. Used slippers in her size... cheapo trinket jewelry... stained table cloths... I think my husband weirdly got some of my brother's old toys?
Because there were SO MANY gifts, this just went on forever. I feel like we were sitting there for hours just unwrapping each gift and trying to pretend to be at least okay with each one. It became grueling.
I finally offered my view that these gifts represented the opposite of true generosity or caring. They were clearly just things she had and didn't want anymore. Each one represented a burden for us to have to deal with, and none of them showed any kind of care or relevance to our lives or interests. Instead of bringing joy, the gifts seemed thoughtless, and the sheer quantity of them was exhausting and destroying the Christmas spirit.
I begged my mom not to give me any more gifts. Not for Christmas. Not for my birthday (when huge boxes of junk would show up at our door). I told her that anything she gave me would go directly into the trash or donation bin. And I would never take these things home with me.
Since then, two things have happened:
(1) We have successfully started transitioning to "experience" gifts! Over Christmas we'll go to see a concert or take a day trip to an interesting place in the area. This is actually fun and enjoyable.
Mom still tries to give us a few gifts, but she accepts that we will just leave them in her house. In a weird way, she's leaned in to the "horrible gift giving" concept to the point where we can all find it humorous, a bit like a White Elephant gift exchange.
(2) My mom has realized that I have a weak spot... gifts with some sort of connection to family history. So she'll send me some lace doilies, saying, "I think your great-grandmother might have made these... but I'm not sure, these might have been the ones I picked up at a yard sale." It creates a real quandary for me, as I treasure heirloom mementos but have this sad sense that everything is getting mixed up and confused.
In the past I've given seemingly random gifts away only to get a phone call years later along the lines of: "Remember that pencil case I gave you seven years ago? Well I think that might have been the one handmade by grandpa before the war." Breaks my heart.
I've been begging her to keep better track of what is what and to avoid accumulating new junk since we already have so much old junk.
To restate where I'm coming from as far as my advice/commentary in this thread: I grew up in a hoarder house. As bad, if not worse than any you've ever seen on those television shows. Both parents (divorced, so I got the fun of being shuffled from one horrible house to the other horrible apartment/house, which just got worse as I got older). I am not talking "they're just a packrat" or "there's piles of stuff on some surfaces or clutter in every room" level - dad's house required a crime scene cleaner, many GIANT dumpsters and hazmat suits to deal with the level of filth/hoarding. Mother's house likely similar (maybe no hazmat) when it comes to that. I am a reformed packrat, who does deal with the echoes of pain/anguish getting rid of "family" items or stuff that that are no longer wanted/useful. I usually cry after driving away from the donation centers, but once it's done, I have little regret and I'm thankful for the years of counseling and self-exploration to deal with this horrible mental aberration.
marble_faun, I'd advise you to stop associating any items with possible family heirloom as "valuable" since you couldn't recognize them as such one way or another, and your mother is using this weakness to try to make you keep things you otherwise would not want at all. Why does it matter anyway? They are gone. The object should be judged/kept based off of whether you want to use it as intended or it gives you great pleasure in seeing/using said object. Period, full stop.
My own mother is unable to let things go at all unless she knows they will be used/valued, or can be sold for money. She is stuck in the sunk cost fallacy of hoarding, where she will not allow herself to process how messed up her life/house is and has been for all these years so she has to justify the hoarding as "saving valuable objects" or else she won't let them go until someone values them and promises they won't be thrown out, or gives her proof that she was being smart (by paying her money).
She justifies quite a bit of her current hoard in outbuildings as things she will sell in a garage sale, but she has never held a garage sale in her life, her house location is unsuitable for doing so, and she can't even stand on her feet long due to health issues so she can't organize anything anyway enough to price and set up. It is a fantasy she tells herself to justify the hoarding.
It sounds like your mother also has a bit of this mindset as she gifts things to others so she won't feel so stupid wasting her time/money/space having hoarded/saved the objects. Broken, stained or ill fitting objects - give to the daughter as she might fix/repurpose them and I have Done A Good Thing by not throwing them in the trash! See, I was really smart as I get to give them as gifts, I saved these objects and daughter will value them because they came from ME! Win/win situation in her mind...
Now that you've told her you won't accept general objects, she's switched tactics to tell you that these things might be "family heirlooms" so you will take the items and not dispose of them... therefore reinforcing in her mind that she wasn't being stupid holding the items herself because you will value them and become the custodian of her collection.
So a big thing to ask yourself: why the fact a long dead relative may have made/bought/touched said item makes it more important to you? You've already stated you got rid of things without any known association at the time (pencil case). So why would you need to keep the pencil case or doilies at all just because of family associations? You obviously weren't going to use or display the pencil case since you got rid of it already. Unless you really love and will use said items for what they actually are, you're leaving yourself open to becoming a hoarder as well. The tendency can run in families.
My father used to use gifting as an excuse to amass even more garbage/junk. He would pick up pictures or old books or anything that reminded him of me or things I liked (even if it was things I used to like when I was like 7 years old and no longer collected or even looked at) and then "save" them for gifts to give me. I lived 4 states away, flew in and had little suitcase space and he refused to pay for postage on even a card, let alone a package... and yet would try to give me large framed prints, comforters/bed-in-a-bag sets, dishes, etc... to take home, on a plane.
I told him finally to stop using me as an excuse to shop for junk. I couldn't take things anyway, and since I didn't need or want any of that stuff, anything he gave me would be donated, and it would be a more meaningful gesture for him to donate the money directly through his church or local charities. He got pretty mad about it (total denial about how terrible the house was, as in his mind he was never "that bad" and would get super angry when confronted), but finally stopped trying to gift me stuff.
The true goal here is start trying to wrap your mind around the idea of just letting them go.
Family IS important - their THINGS are not.
I'd suggest doing some reading on hoarders to help figure out the mindset and recognize the cliffs that you may be facing.
I got these at the library, but there are some great websites as well (http://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/ for instance is a great resource for other sites and info):
https://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Compulsive-Hoarding-Meaning-Things/dp/0547422555
https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Clean-Kimberly-Rae-Miller/dp/0544320816
^this one struck a nerve with me
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Yep, my parent's are exactly like this. They try to give me stuff constantly. The only reason I take it all off their hands is BECAUSE my mom is a hoarder and if I don't take it and donate it (which is what I do 99.9% of the time), then it will end up in their garage/attic/closet for me to clean out eventually when they are gone. I feel like I'm maybe helping in some way by taking stuff now and dropping it off at Goodwill. Luckily, they have so much stuff, and they so rarely come over to my house, that they would never remember or notice if I didn't have something.
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Wow! Saw this on the best of and I agree Frankie's Girl. We bought a house to rehab and my guys filled two, 40 cubic yard dumpsters to the brim with junk from a big 3/1 house. 61164.3886 cubic liters for you in metric land or 2160 cubic feet of junk, clothes, video tapes, and broken furniture etc. It was a mess. The average depth in the basement except for narrow paths was probably 4-5 feet. It is a horrible disease.
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Gift > Thank yous > stick it in the car > depart for home > stop at Goodwill/Salvation army/Thrift store local to your relative > continue to your home unencumbered by clutter.
I know, easier said than done. This thread makes me want to go home and take a load of random things away to a donation center just because.
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I actively try to get my mom to give me stuff. Then I get rid of a large amount of it. currently trying to sell some stuff on ebay, when the listings are up I'll donate.
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Good point. At the same time maybe it delivers a message that is needed.
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True! ;)
Tell you Mom it was duplicate item to the one she gave you? Mere coincidence.
Remind her it was only worth $1.50 at the Thrift store even if she valued it at $50?
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I have a weird experience this morning.
My DD, who is now in 1st yr college and lives with us, noticed a bookmark that she had made me when she was 11... with a nice poem on it, but nothing too involved or special..
DD: "Mom, do you know where the book that goes with this bookmark is?"...
Me: "It should be on the shelf just behind you" <I have no idea where the book is, I don't care for that book, and I hope I have given it back to her or donated it long ago>
DD:<very upset> I gave it to you as a CHRISTMAS PRESENT.. it was my favorite book and I put a special decorated cover on it for you and everything!!! (along the theme of 'you don't love me if you don't love the present I gave you')
I recall having a similar conversation with her previously, about a year ago, which is why I lied and said it was somewhere on the shelf behind her... and why she asked me about the book as soon as she noticed the bookmark which was in a key place after my major clean up last month.
UGH... Kids that give you crap and then get all dramatic when you make it disappear after a few years....
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Back at home now... my parents recently ordered a shed from Costco to have built in their yard. Except, I'm not entirely sure what they're storing in it because all the crap they have laying around in their yard is still out there along with an entire side of their two-car garage occupied with random crap. They justified getting the shed so they could "store" all this crap too, but my dad is too lazy to do any actual work and my mom is busy occupying herself with stuff for the school district even though she's several years retired. "Decluttering" to them means moving crap around and figuring out where to store it so they don't have to throw it away. Of course, part of that is figuring out who, of their kids, they can offload crap to so they don't have to throw it away. They can't even donate a shoebox of their crap to Operation Christmas Child and I'm willing to wager it's because both my mom and dad will say "It costs $9 to ship one of these things?!?!?! NO THANK YOU" and also "But we can use this! We'll donate it to the school district. Wait, are you sure you guys don't want it?" - *facepalm*
Another funny anecdote from the first night we got here: my mom had her hotel slippers out for guests (that she collects and hoards from their travels) and I was about to wear one when I felt this lumpy ball after sticking my foot in. I look at it and the slipper is so worn that the inside padding is balling up. Obviously these, along with 99% of the slippers they have (and that only my wife and I wear when we visit twice a year), should just be tossed as they're one time use. I tell my mom just to throw these out and that they're no good. She can't even do that and resists by saying "NOOO! These are still good! Just put them back and use another pair" - and the icing on the cake is that these DISPOSABLE slippers are like this because she throws them into the washer and dryer to reuse!!! I swear, one day I'm going to go through that closet with a plastic bag, take all the crap-ones out, and then throw it in a dumpster elsewhere. If I try to throw them out at home, my mom will literally dig them out of the garbage... pretty disgusting.
Don't get me started on all the lanyards my dad collects and brings back from computer trade shows he goes to (and he only goes to those things to collect free SWAG... he's been retired for 10+ years btw)
Some of the stupid free crap he gets from trade shows ends up in our Christmas gift bags from them. Socks, boxers and t-shirts (all with the Sears tag still on but price scribbled out... even though we know they were $1 or less), luggage tags from their travels, utensils or cookware they got for 99% off at Kohls, Marshalls, Sears, etc, and then random light-up toys and freebies my dad got from trade shows. That's about all we expect from them as far as Christmas time is concerned. The most 'expensive' items they'll include are the Mint Coin collections my mom insists on giving us because they're "valuable" (what, like a dollar above spot? LOL) and because my grandfather collected coins. *rollseyes*
Ridiculous... just....Ridiculous.
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Yep, my parent's are exactly like this. They try to give me stuff constantly. The only reason I take it all off their hands is BECAUSE my mom is a hoarder and if I don't take it and donate it (which is what I do 99.9% of the time), then it will end up in their garage/attic/closet for me to clean out eventually when they are gone. I feel like I'm maybe helping in some way by taking stuff now and dropping it off at Goodwill. Luckily, they have so much stuff, and they so rarely come over to my house, that they would never remember or notice if I didn't have something.
Part of the problem for me is that my mom will actually go out and buy crap to give to us because she's addicted to buying "good deals" and can't get enough. Very similar to the extreme couponers who buy crap for the sake of buying crap because it was free or greatly discounted, then go on to explain how they had to install 20 new shelves in their garage so they could store the 500 rolls of toilet paper, 60 containers of laundry detergent, and 150 bottles of dishwashing liquid they got for just under $10.
The other half of the problem is that she buys extras and let's us "choose" what we want (sometimes my wife concedes but usually we just reject it unless it's toothpaste, floss or anything actually useful that we would need), then throws the rest of it in one of the closets around the house. So now we're not only stuck with something we never wanted, but we will probably end up seeing duplicates of it upon cleaning their house after they pass away... *sigh*
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With the couponing excess - can you encourage them to donate to food banks, shelters, etc? I know the animal shelter I used to volunteer at went through a lot of bleach, laundry detergent, paper towels, dish soap, etc. I'm sure that people shelters could use the same plus more, and food banks would probably love anything.
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With the couponing excess - can you encourage them to donate to food banks, shelters, etc? I know the animal shelter I used to volunteer at went through a lot of bleach, laundry detergent, paper towels, dish soap, etc. I'm sure that people shelters could use the same plus more, and food banks would probably love anything.
Doubt it - she has too much of a hoarder's mentality; she thinks she'll "need" the items she buys and the first choice is always to pawn stuff off to her kids. It's fine that she's looking out for her family but it's just too much at times.
I went out into the yard today and the part near where they have the shed is a complete junkyard, thanks to my dad. The shed itself has saws and crap scattered on the floor with very little on the shelves. I'm failing to understand how he can't even put stuff IN the shed they bought. It's so ridiculous that he's hung ugly blue tarps over certain items in the yard. It looks like a homeless encampment out there. He even decided it would be a great idea to tether a portion of the tarp down to a lawnmower/motorcycle-sized battery (with both terminals exposed to wet/cold/rainy weather here in Northern CA) to 'anchor' it. Considering they just got their backyard landscaped, hardscaped and a neck deck installed, it's amazing how fast he's turned the place into a swap meet.
When my SIL pointed out how dangerous the battery "anchor" seems, he shrugged it off. When I pointed out how it looks like a junkyard out there and is potentially unsafe for our kids to be running around, he also shrugged it off. It feels quite hopeless and angry... makes me not want to come up here to visit anymore. It's actually making me very detached from interacting with my family currently (talk about dysfunctional families). My wife was saying they're not going to change and just to not let it get to me... that we'll just have to deal with it and "cross that bridge when we get there" as far as dealing with cleaning up the amount of crap they've accumulated and are unwilling to part with. It truly is a disease and it just gets worse with age.
SMH
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"Decluttering" to them means moving crap around and figuring out where to store it so they don't have to throw it away.
Ugh, yes. My mother’s done that for years. I can’t even imagine how many people-hours have been spent on just reorganizing her crap and shuffling it around. I remember my siblings and I had to spend many days working on that when we were kids. (My father's a hoarder too, but at least he wanted us to leave his stuff alone, so it was less of a burden.)
It's all so useless and such a waste of time and energy. It's not even good quality stuff! At least half of my mother's collection is flat out garbage. Broken appliances - "maybe we'll fix them someday or reuse parts" (no, you won't), old toys and clothing in bad condition, bank statements and utility bills going back thirty years…
I suppose the silver lining is that, partly in reaction, I have very little sentimental attachment to things. When I moved out here a year ago I got rid of everything I owned that wouldn’t fit in three suitcases. Stored it all on Craigslist, as MMM would say (I love that concept).
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My dad will buy me one piece of clothing for each Christmas. About 90% of the clothes I have never worn since I have been in high school. It's not anything close to my style. It's a huge waste but not worth the argument.
My mom really likes to buy toys for our 7 month old. He has over 100 toys. She buys them used. He will use about 10% of the toys.
I think buying stuff is a generational difference. Our parents like huge houses with lots of crap. The weird thing is that they tend to complain about how life is so expensive. I have the complete opposite approach. Small house, less stuff, lots of travel.
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Well, I had a minor success in getting stuff out of my parents house. I asked them to bring all the unused light fixtures so I could figure out if I wanted to use any in my house. Delivered:
1 pewter chandelier
2 pewter candle sconces
1 extra glass globe (which proved to be broken, so is now in the trash)
1 leaded glass overhead light
1 entrance way/stair way hanging light
1 1920s vintage dining room light
I've got all of it except the candle sconces. My mom doesn't like them, but her mother bought them and she's got emotional hangups with FAMILLLLLY stuff, especially her mother. So she won't get rid of them (which means either she'll have a breakdown when she HAS to downsize, or my sister and I will get the joy of dealing with them later).
I actually like the pewter chandelier, so will get that rewired and use it. The other 3 will be sold on ebay. I call this a win.
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We helped someone downsize when they moved last year. Tossed a dumpster's worth of stuff. Had a garage sale for the rest.
Still think most of it got tossed or donated b/c it didn't sell.
When they moved they needed an "all hands on deck" event b/c they couldn't do it for themselves (age). Was just too much stuff.
We collectively and willingly got it done.
Healthy enough to shop and bring it home but not healthy enough to haul it off to Goodwill.
Saw them over the holiday weekend and they are back to buying knick-knacks and the garage is still piled with stuff from the old house.
I just don't get it.
Makes me want to go to our home and clean out a closet just because!
Hey Dad says the teenager - where did the furniture go? ;)
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Joe, that is terrible. We downsized and are careful now about what we bring into the house. However, we did it ourselves even though we are older too. I don't want to leave a bunch of junk for my kids to deal with. Also it is nice not having so much stuff.
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Joe, that is terrible. We downsized and are careful now about what we bring into the house. However, we did it ourselves even though we are older too. I don't want to leave a bunch of junk for my kids to deal with. Also it is nice not having so much stuff.
The DW and I lost our mothers, three weeks apart. It literally took months, and months of work, whenever the siblings could find the time, to get rid of all the stuff those two had accumulated during their lifetimes. I really think that, as parents, we owe it to our children to not saddle them with dumpsters full of valueless shit, after we are gone. We recently moved into a new home. After 30+ years of marriage, and raising a family, our total accumulation of stuff fit into a single U-haul truck. In the case of the MIL's place, that truck could of been filled three times with nothing but nearly valueless accumulation, much of which ended up in the landfill.
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My Dad became very ill at 59 and my Mom retired. I was a SAHP at the time so we tackled their basement and attic where everything no longer being used went to die:)) WE had a ton of garage sales and then took the rest to Goodwill or gave it to friends. They then moved into an apartment. AFter my DAd died my Mom got rid of his stuff and when she got terminal cancer she downsized her stuff a lot. She had us look through her photo albums and take what we wanted. Then she walked to the dumpster and threw them in. That was one of the saddest moments for me. She also planned and paid for her own funeral. She asked people to sing and wrote her own obituary. Talk about a gift to us 3 kids.
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My wife says the compulsive buying and hoarding likely stems from growing up not having much. I dunno though, she grew up and didn't have much and doesn't hoard or buy crap.... on the other hand, she views her conservative stance on saving money as a means of "hoarding" - I can see this.
With my parents it's just ridiculous. They both have to feel as though they got some sort of "value" out of buying junk. This comes out even in their eating habits - they'll go out to some crappy restaurant like Applebee's and take my nephews their because "it's a good value" and "they give you a lot of food for the price" in addition to "we can only go on certain days because that's when they have a BOGOF deal" --- funny thing is, my wife and son went with them and the nephews this last time around and my wife said her mac and cheese was cold and the chicken was rubbery... not quite sure why they keep going back to the crap food. In the same way, not sure why they can't stop buying crap. Reminds me of the time my mom *bragged* about going to CVS where she cleared off a shelf of junk, which she acknowledged when a store employee was like "wow, you're the only one who I've seen willing to clear all the Easter stuff off the shelves. Thanks!" ("Easter Stuff" likely consisted really awful and unhealthy candies, plastic eggs, stupid cheap Easter-themed toys/trinkets, etc - it was probably 90% off and she justified buying it because she had CVS bucks from all her prior extreme couponing antics). Then she tries to offload all this stuff to me and my brothers and their kids - I'm sure most of it gets tossed, donated, or stored in a room (particularly at my second oldest brother's place, who has hoarding/cleanliness issues himself as we were reminded of during this most recent trip). SMH.
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We recently went to a restaurant (one of the good ones we are supposed to believe) and it just wasn't a "wow" experience anymore. Typical franchise sit down meal.
Not bad, not great and then my MMM kicked in and I was thinking of how much groceries we could have bought instead with the $50. ;) Its me not them.
We have gotten to a point where I am even cooking some of the time @ home and nobody has died yet. Admittedly my cooking isn't elaborate.
As for the clutter folks I mentioned - if something happened to them and I was in charge I'd open the house to their family, tell everyone take everything they want. And then group haul the rest to Goodwill and never look back. No more of this sorting and trying to decide whether to garage sale it or give it to someone specific or overthinking it.
The person I talked to was saying over the holidays - "I need to get the (grown) kids down here to help me open each box and sort through them..."
Nope, those boxes have been sitting there for 6 months or more. Nobody has needed it so far. Someone needs to bring a van or pickup, open each box and glance inside to make sure there isn't a stack of gold bars inside and then on the vehicle it goes. We'd have the spare room cleared in 15 minutes. No looking back or reconsidering what ought to get saved. Let the next person enjoy those items. But, alas not my circus.
Dang, now I want to run home and clean out something in our house again... ;)
Side-gig possibility: express cleanouts of people's garages and basements. Gone in 1 hour or you don't pay. ;)
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We recently went to a restaurant (one of the good ones we are supposed to believe) and it just wasn't a "wow" experience anymore. Typical franchise sit down meal.
Not bad, not great and then my MMM kicked in and I was thinking of how much groceries we could have bought instead with the $50. ;) Its me not them.
We have gotten to a point where I am even cooking some of the time @ home and nobody has died yet. Admittedly my cooking isn't elaborate.
As for the clutter folks I mentioned - if something happened to them and I was in charge I'd open the house to their family, tell everyone take everything they want. And then group haul the rest to Goodwill and never look back. No more of this sorting and trying to decide whether to garage sale it or give it to someone specific or overthinking it.
The person I talked to was saying over the holidays - "I need to get the (grown) kids down here to help me open each box and sort through them..."
Nope, those boxes have been sitting there for 6 months or more. Nobody has needed it so far. Someone needs to bring a van or pickup, open each box and glance inside to make sure there isn't a stack of gold bars inside and then on the vehicle it goes. We'd have the spare room cleared in 15 minutes. No looking back or reconsidering what ought to get saved. Let the next person enjoy those items. But, alas not my circus.
Dang, now I want to run home and clean out something in our house again... ;)
Side-gig possibility: express cleanouts of people's garages and basements. Gone in 1 hour or you don't pay. ;)
I honestly hope, if you are faced with this situation, that you enjoy a whole lot of success, as you watch friends and family haul everything off, and leave you with little. Sadly, we did this for both of our moms, mentioned in a recent post, and it was nearly a total failure, and ended with maybe 5% of the volume of stuff being given to friends and relatives. I believe our experience was typical, and reflects the values of our society, at the moment. It's been discussed here at length, in everything context from "valuable collections" of Hummels and Kincade art, to grandmas' furniture, or rooms full of books, Bottom line is, sadly, very few of us have any interest in cluttering our own lives with that stuff anymore.
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My mom has done a great job of decluttering her home. In the process, she tried to give me all kinds of stuff, especially what she had taken from my grandmother's home when GM went to the nursing home. It was not always pleasant when I refused, and every time mom came to visit she'd bring me a box I'd already said no to. Most of it is now out of my home.
When GM died last month, my uncle specifically told me that he wanted about a half dozen things that had been in her room. Sister and I made a special trip back to the home to pack them up for him...and then later he handed the boxes to me and said "these are for you, I knew you'd want to have them." I was livid. Those boxes are sitting in my living room; I need to go through them and toss most of it.
Since we're almost out of family stuff, it's getting better. Unfortunately, my mom, bless her, wants to be absolutely equal to all her grandchildren. My nephew lives with her, and if she buys him stuff, she feels the need to buy identical/similar stuff for my kids, so we get random packages. Or, if it's a "boy thing", my son will get something identical and my girls will get something else identical that costs exactly the same amount. These are usually things my kids don't want...so straight into the Goodwill box they go.
The same pattern repeats on Christmas; there's at least one set of toys that each child gets. This year, she found an exciting game that "the children will absolutely love!" It came in different varieties, so she bought 4 copies, one for each kid, in the theme that best suited their interests and personalities. AND, she expects the kids to bring them all on our planned huge family vacation in 18 months so that we can play them together. I pointed out that we already have that game in its original variety and rarely play it. There is no universe in which we need 3 more copies, since we can only play one at a time. Even if I didn't mind storing 3 copies, I do not want to deal with the bickering over which version we are going to play today.
Mom was offended and hung up. I bet my husband $5 there will be a meltdown in 18 months when none of the copies of the game end up on our vacation.
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My wife says the compulsive buying and hoarding likely stems from growing up not having much. I dunno though, she grew up and didn't have much and doesn't hoard or buy crap.... on the other hand, she views her conservative stance on saving money as a means of "hoarding" - I can see this.
With my parents it's just ridiculous. They both have to feel as though they got some sort of "value" out of buying junk. This comes out even in their eating habits - they'll go out to some crappy restaurant like Applebee's and take my nephews their because "it's a good value" and "they give you a lot of food for the price" in addition to "we can only go on certain days because that's when they have a BOGOF deal" --- funny thing is, my wife and son went with them and the nephews this last time around and my wife said her mac and cheese was cold and the chicken was rubbery... not quite sure why they keep going back to the crap food. In the same way, not sure why they can't stop buying crap.
I hadn't twigged the connection between hoarding and 'value for money' eating out. My retired, 70 y/o parents have started going to a Wetherspoons once a week. They started going out once a week when they retired, and used to go to nicer, but not expensive places.
Wetherspoons' food is crap but it's cheap and there's lots of it so they feel they are getting a deal. They grew up poor but are well off in retirement having worked hard.
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HMM... MIL is definitely not a hoarder, but does like nice dishware / serveware. She just dropped off boxes of items that I can use for an open house party in a couple of weeks. There is a lot of stuff! She retired to their second home outside of town (which is a 3 hr trek to get to, including a ferry), about 10 years ago, then proceeded to buy a lot of small appliances, a set of 24 matching dishes and serveware (x2 for large / small plates), 3x packages of eating utensils, etc. She has only had more than 8 people total to eat at their new place maybe once in 10 years. IDK. At least she donated all her old stuff as she bought new, but man, it seems like a lot for 2 people who are retired.
Side note -- I think there is an instant pot and a induction element in one box. I will have to try those one out!
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Old folks and cheap food, absolutely. We spend our winters in FL. but are 15-30 years younger than most of the snowbirds. There are chain restaurants there that make a killing off of the whole concept of catering to that set. Dale Evans, Cracker Barrel, all the usual suspects. Once you combine the snowbirds on the hunt for cheap eats, and the locals wanting to take the family out for affordable dining, it's a total waste of time to even get near some of those places on the weekend. Pretty hilarious to go to a place that specializes in $8 meals of food service, prefabbed crap, then hear the hostess tell you that it will be a 45 minute wait. No, really it won't, since waiting 45 minutes for that faux food, means I'm an idiot.
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Old folks and cheap food, absolutely. We spend our winters in FL. but are 15-30 years younger than most of the snowbirds. There are chain restaurants there that make a killing off of the whole concept of catering to that set. Dale Evans, Cracker Barrel, all the usual suspects. Once you combine the snowbirds on the hunt for cheap eats, and the locals wanting to take the family out for affordable dining, it's a total waste of time to even get near some of those places on the weekend. Pretty hilarious to go to a place that specializes in $8 meals of food service, prefabbed crap, then hear the hostess tell you that it will be a 45 minute wait. No, really it won't, since waiting 45 minutes for that faux food, means I'm an idiot.
Hometown Buffet is another great one. Sizzler too. LOL. Don't get me wrong, my parents have their share of go-to non-chain restaurants... living in the Bay Area there are fortunately more than 5 choices hahaha. They seem to go through a regular rotation of Chinese food places every few years - complaining about quality and prices before moving onto the next. Other than that, my dad seems to think he's a master chef and often leaves messes in the kitchen for my mom to clean up. His latest craze is "dough" - yes... all kinds of dough. *sigh* And if you ever meet him, don't talk to him about it because he'll just talk your ear off the entire time about all the kinds of dough he's been making and how he's perfected the art of making dough.
Speaking of food, I probably already mentioned this in a prior post but my parents hoard food like crazy. Their upright freezer out in the garage is packed to the brim with food. We have a chest freezer in our garage, so I probably shouldn't talk much, but they probably have 3x as much food in there as we have in ours and it's just the two of them. They have all sorts of other crap in the fridge much of which my mom brings back from the school cafeteria because she subs at different schools, etc and knows all the cafeteria people. So she'll just take the leftovers or whatever they might end up tossing: chocolate milk, Taco Nadas, string cheese, fruit, etc. I guess that's not so bad since she feeds it to my nephews LOL! I was looking for cream cheese last week and found two expired ones, one which had mold growing in it. I asked my wife and she said "Oh you're mom said those are old and just to put them back..." *shrug* so I just put it back, not wanting to disturb the "balance" LOL
HMM... MIL is definitely not a hoarder, but does like nice dishware / serveware. She just dropped off boxes of items that I can use for an open house party in a couple of weeks. There is a lot of stuff! She retired to their second home outside of town (which is a 3 hr trek to get to, including a ferry), about 10 years ago, then proceeded to buy a lot of small appliances, a set of 24 matching dishes and serveware (x2 for large / small plates), 3x packages of eating utensils, etc. She has only had more than 8 people total to eat at their new place maybe once in 10 years. IDK. At least she donated all her old stuff as she bought new, but man, it seems like a lot for 2 people who are retired.
Side note -- I think there is an instant pot and a induction element in one box. I will have to try those one out!
INSTANT POT?! I'll take it if you don't want it! :P Crap, I'm already turning into my parents...
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I only have it for about 3 weeks... she is lending me her "slow cooker" for an open house party and brought it to my place when she last drove into town. She knows it is a pressure cooker / fancy thing, and she loves all new shiny tech appliances, but downplayed it in her description, I was surprised when I looked at what is sitting in the boxes.
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.. Unfortunately, my mom, bless her, wants to be absolutely equal to all her grandchildren. My nephew lives with her, and if she buys him stuff, she feels the need to buy identical/similar stuff for my kids, so we get random packages. Or, if it's a "boy thing", my son will get something identical and my girls will get something else identical that costs exactly the same amount. These are usually things my kids don't want...so straight into the Goodwill box they go.
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This is a great opportunity to set up 529s or vanguard taxable investment accounts for your kids. Ms Fredbear and I cannot stand to buy yet more brightly colored plastic crap for the Most Precious Grandchildren (MPGC). We would much rather put the money in their accounts. Also it is easier to maintain dollar-dollar fairness that way, than it is to buy one piece of dreck and make sure the compensatory piece of druck cost exactly the same.
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We have 529s for all the kids; I actually used to give my nephew college money instead of presents. Mom wants "to see the joy in their eyes when they open stuff."
She was over last night and saw the massive pile of stuff that the littlest decluttered from his room - including things she bought him six months ago. Maybe that will help.
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Old folks and cheap food, absolutely. We spend our winters in FL. but are 15-30 years younger than most of the snowbirds. There are chain restaurants there that make a killing off of the whole concept of catering to that set. Dale Evans, Cracker Barrel, all the usual suspects. Once you combine the snowbirds on the hunt for cheap eats, and the locals wanting to take the family out for affordable dining, it's a total waste of time to even get near some of those places on the weekend. Pretty hilarious to go to a place that specializes in $8 meals of food service, prefabbed crap, then hear the hostess tell you that it will be a 45 minute wait. No, really it won't, since waiting 45 minutes for that faux food, means I'm an idiot.
Hometown Buffet is another great one. Sizzler too. LOL. Don't get me wrong, my parents have their share of go-to non-chain restaurants... living in the Bay Area there are fortunately more than 5 choices hahaha. They seem to go through a regular rotation of Chinese food places every few years - complaining about quality and prices before moving onto the next. Other than that, my dad seems to think he's a master chef and often leaves messes in the kitchen for my mom to clean up. His latest craze is "dough" - yes... all kinds of dough. *sigh* And if you ever meet him, don't talk to him about it because he'll just talk your ear off the entire time about all the kinds of dough he's been making and how he's perfected the art of making dough.
Speaking of food, I probably already mentioned this in a prior post but my parents hoard food like crazy. Their upright freezer out in the garage is packed to the brim with food. We have a chest freezer in our garage, so I probably shouldn't talk much, but they probably have 3x as much food in there as we have in ours and it's just the two of them. They have all sorts of other crap in the fridge much of which my mom brings back from the school cafeteria because she subs at different schools, etc and knows all the cafeteria people. So she'll just take the leftovers or whatever they might end up tossing: chocolate milk, Taco Nadas, string cheese, fruit, etc. I guess that's not so bad since she feeds it to my nephews LOL! I was looking for cream cheese last week and found two expired ones, one which had mold growing in it. I asked my wife and she said "Oh you're mom said those are old and just to put them back..." *shrug* so I just put it back, not wanting to disturb the "balance" LOL
HMM... MIL is definitely not a hoarder, but does like nice dishware / serveware. She just dropped off boxes of items that I can use for an open house party in a couple of weeks. There is a lot of stuff! She retired to their second home outside of town (which is a 3 hr trek to get to, including a ferry), about 10 years ago, then proceeded to buy a lot of small appliances, a set of 24 matching dishes and serveware (x2 for large / small plates), 3x packages of eating utensils, etc. She has only had more than 8 people total to eat at their new place maybe once in 10 years. IDK. At least she donated all her old stuff as she bought new, but man, it seems like a lot for 2 people who are retired.
Side note -- I think there is an instant pot and a induction element in one box. I will have to try those one out!
INSTANT POT?! I'll take it if you don't want it! :P Crap, I'm already turning into my parents...
Growing up, my dad did most of the cooking (My mom's work hours were longer, and she had a very long commute). Now that he's 66, I think my dad has decided he paid his dues. He deosn't want to spend his remaining time on this earth cooking (my mom still works similar hours). So he doesn't. I think older folks often feel this way, hence the popularity of these restaurants.
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I haven't been on here for a long time but this title caught my interest this morning !
My dad was given quite a bit of money from my grandmother before she passed away. Him and his wife (my step-mom) bought some much needed items. Now with this stash of money, my step-mom started buying all kinds of glassware at garage sales. Some she would keep and some she would sell on consignment at an antiques shop. That was about 5 years ago..... fast forward and now she is slowly emptying out 5 china cabinets and an entire wall of shelves of glassware. I only see them twice a year and the past two years she will ask if I want anything... I tell her " oh sure, I can find a use for that" I take 3 or 4 boxes away and deliver them to Goodwill or other thrift shops in my area. I figure this way, I am saving myself, my sister and step-sister a hassle years down the road. I've been to several estate sales where no one has touched anything in 50+ years....its a nightmare.
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As a baby boomer I can say that you do get sick of cooking. We now eat out 2-3x's a week which we never ever did when young. Also if you are out doing fun things you don't want to have to interrupt it to come home to eat.
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As a baby boomer I can say that you do get sick of cooking. We now eat out 2-3x's a week which we never ever did when young. Also if you are out doing fun things you don't want to have to interrupt it to come home to eat.
We do not go to restaurants often, and we never have take out delivered, but I have to add that I go to grocery store delis at least once a week. So yeah, that is my “someone else cooks” experience. In retirement I spend u limited money on food, no more budgeting.
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I've been to several estate sales where no one has touched anything in 50+ years....its a nightmare.
One branch of my family tree is rooted in the Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. This is a line of old Germanic rural folks that spoke their own language and were noted for their frugality. The PA. Dutch farming father of one of our friends passed away, and left the farm to his kids. One is a great young man, who was so infatuated with farming since he was little, that he went to a state Uni. for an Ag. degree and is now trying to make a living as a farmer. Sadly, the farm was once a turkey farm, which typically includes an pretty significant amount of barn space. This poor kid inherited tens of thousands of square feet of barns FULL to the rafters with junk. The old farmer wasn't really a hoarder, but just kept old stuff, since there was no reason to throw it out, you might need it some day. They literally pushed EVERY worn out vehicle they bought and used up, since the 1960s. into an unused barn. Worn out, rusted out cars, pickups, farm equipment, etc.... That's only a small fraction of the mess. The kid will have thousands of hours spent digging out from that disaster.
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I've been to several estate sales where no one has touched anything in 50+ years....its a nightmare.
One branch of my family tree is rooted in the Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. This is a line of old Germanic rural folks that spoke their own language and were noted for their frugality. The PA. Dutch farming father of one of our friends passed away, and left the farm to his kids. One is a great young man, who was so infatuated with farming since he was little, that he went to a state Uni. for an Ag. degree and is now trying to make a living as a farmer. Sadly, the farm was once a turkey farm, which typically includes an pretty significant amount of barn space. This poor kid inherited tens of thousands of square feet of barns FULL to the rafters with junk. The old farmer wasn't really a hoarder, but just kept old stuff, since there was no reason to throw it out, you might need it some day. They literally pushed EVERY worn out vehicle they bought and used up, since the 1960s. into an unused barn. Worn out, rusted out cars, pickups, farm equipment, etc.... That's only a small fraction of the mess. The kid will have thousands of hours spent digging out from that disaster.
Well, depending on what it all is, some of it may actually be wanted by some one. Might help with disposal fees at least.
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For a long time I believed that wastefulness and hoarding were the extreme ends of a spectrum. Wasteful behavior consisted of failing to maintain what you own or throwing out perfectly useful things that would be needed in short order, and then repurchasing the item or-- worse still!-- renting or leasing it at a high cost and having "nothing to show for it" after a long period of time. Hoarding, the opposite end of the spectrum, consisted of holding onto (and frequently paying for space to store) unnecessary and useless items to the point where having the item compromises the utility or cleanliness of one's own living space. Each end of the spectrum had its advantages. The wasteful lifestyle was flexible, because people who pursued it were flexible and could spontaneously do fun things or change locations to take advantage of a job or travel opportunity since they weren't tied down by their belongings. The hoarder lifestyle was stable, because the hoarder was seldom without a particular necessary or useful item due to his or her habit of over-purchasing. But the best and most comfortable lifestyles were closer to the middle of the spectrum, with a healthy and well-balanced person acquiring necessary belongings and keeping them clean and in good repair, while avoiding clutter by giving away or selling unused or obsolete items.
I no longer subscribe to this binary view, and Mustachianism is one reason why. There's a third option: to take a minimalist approach. In the minimalist approach, decluttering is seldom necessary because excess items aren't brought into the home in the first place. As an item wears out, it is discarded, repurposed, or recycled as appropriate. The items bought aren't necessarily the cheapest, except in cases where there's no relationship between the durability of the item and its sticker price. But a minimalist does tend to care for his or her belongings and keep track of them.
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I find minimalism is actually pretty wasteful in practice. People buy single use, small quantity items frequently, and continually toss and rebuy later if they need that thing. They don't buy extra, and only what they use, but they do discard things rather than storing them.
A great example is a the minimalist traveller -- the one who waits to buy the extra Tshirts and underpants suited for their trip, after arriving, then tosses it before coming home.
Another person I know has a minimal kitchen, but goes out to eat a lot because they can't make more than very basic foods at home with the equipment that they have. Pizza tastes better with a pizza stone, never preserve foods or buys in bulk, have minimal spices, etc.
A third person keeps no materials for making basic repairs around home. Every time they either need to hire someone or go out to buy a new tube of glue or a 4 pack of fasteners or WD-40, and they buy the tiny sizes because they just toss.
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What a waste Goldielocks. I didn't realize that people actually did this.
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I find minimalism is actually pretty wasteful in practice. People buy single use, small quantity items frequency, and continually toss and rebuy later if they need that thing. They don't buy extra, and only what they use, but they do discard things rather than storing them.
A great example is a the minimalist traveller -- the one who waits to buy the extra Tshirts and underpants suited for their trip, after arriving, then tosses it before coming home.
Another person I know has a minimal kitchen, but goes out to eat a lot because they can't make more than very basic foods at home with the equipment that they have. Pizza tastes better with a pizza stone, never preserve foods or buy in bulk, have minimal spices, etc.
A third person keeps no materials for making basic repairs around home. Every time they need to hire someone or go out to buy a new tube of glue or a fasteners or WD-40, and they buy the tiny sizes because they just toss.
That wasn't what I intended to suggest as "minimalism". I'd have put that more on the "wasteful" end of the original spectrum (use-and-toss). I've never heard of a minimalist traveler purchasing and tossing clothing but if you've run across some of them I do believe you. What I've heard of them doing, and what I've done myself, is packing only a few clothing items and washing them more than once during an extended trip. Some of the RV'ers on this forum have this approach. The person with the minimalist kitchen might not have to go out to eat much if he or she were satisfied with simple or basic foods. There are people who are.
What I was trying to get across is that there's a third option of "not buying in the first place" instead of "buying then tossing" or "buying then hoarding".
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I find minimalism is actually pretty wasteful in practice. People buy single use, small quantity items frequency, and continually toss and rebuy later if they need that thing. They don't buy extra, and only what they use, but they do discard things rather than storing them.
A great example is a the minimalist traveller -- the one who waits to buy the extra Tshirts and underpants suited for their trip, after arriving, then tosses it before coming home.
Another person I know has a minimal kitchen, but goes out to eat a lot because they can't make more than very basic foods at home with the equipment that they have. Pizza tastes better with a pizza stone, never preserve foods or buy in bulk, have minimal spices, etc.
A third person keeps no materials for making basic repairs around home. Every time they need to hire someone or go out to buy a new tube of glue or a fasteners or WD-40, and they buy the tiny sizes because they just toss.
Frugality and minimalism don't always mix, but I do think they are pretty compatible. Clearly not in the examples you gave but having less kitchen gadgets means less desire for a larger kitchen. Less clothes means less baggage fees, closet space, and money spent on new additions.
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I find minimalism is actually pretty wasteful in practice. People buy single use, small quantity items frequency, and continually toss and rebuy later if they need that thing. They don't buy extra, and only what they use, but they do discard things rather than storing them.
A great example is a the minimalist traveller -- the one who waits to buy the extra Tshirts and underpants suited for their trip, after arriving, then tosses it before coming home.
Another person I know has a minimal kitchen, but goes out to eat a lot because they can't make more than very basic foods at home with the equipment that they have. Pizza tastes better with a pizza stone, never preserve foods or buy in bulk, have minimal spices, etc.
A third person keeps no materials for making basic repairs around home. Every time they need to hire someone or go out to buy a new tube of glue or a fasteners or WD-40, and they buy the tiny sizes because they just toss.
I've never heard of a minimalist traveler purchasing and tossing clothing but if you've run across some of them I do believe you. Some of the RV'ers on this forum have this approach. The person with the minimalist kitchen might not have to go out to eat much if he or she were satisfied with simple or basic foods. There are people who are.
I have met a few travellers, all male but maybe that is just because I know more male solo travelers. They pride themselves in "no luggage". Typically the ones with a "carry on" about the size of a camera bag, smaller 20L backpack, and no other baggage. Take one change of clothing, comb, but don't even take a toothbrush or paste. Buy swim trunks if they need them, or a pair of shoes if they need more than the loafers they are wearing... these items do not return.
I travelled France for a month this year with a single 40L backpack. My friend pointed out how much luggage that was compared to him. He has a lot of money, which is how I discovered the hidden side of "minimal" travelling. Yes, I could have travelled without a clothes line and laundry soap, but the cost goes up to do laundry. Yes, I could have left my travel cutlery and bowl at home, but food costs go up...
Take a look at minimalist lifestyles, yes, there are Jacob at ERE that actually simplify their lives for a long haul. BUT, some of those shown on TV for decorating and decluttering, for example, actually buy new items and take care of them, repeating 3-5 years....
Technically, "Minimal" clothing does not actually mean that you BUY less clothing per year, it only means that you STORE less clothing at one time...
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My dad's new thing is to send a group text to my siblings and I, with a photo of some random shit in his house, asking if any of us want it.
We inevitably all reply no, and he then either tosses it or keeps it anyway because reasons.
At least he is getting rid of some stuff. FTR he is not at hoarder level, just at "why does a 60 year old live in a 3000 sq ft house with closets full of old shit" level.
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I find minimalism is actually pretty wasteful in practice. People buy single use, small quantity items frequency, and continually toss and rebuy later if they need that thing. They don't buy extra, and only what they use, but they do discard things rather than storing them.
A great example is a the minimalist traveller -- the one who waits to buy the extra Tshirts and underpants suited for their trip, after arriving, then tosses it before coming home.
Another person I know has a minimal kitchen, but goes out to eat a lot because they can't make more than very basic foods at home with the equipment that they have. Pizza tastes better with a pizza stone, never preserve foods or buy in bulk, have minimal spices, etc.
A third person keeps no materials for making basic repairs around home. Every time they need to hire someone or go out to buy a new tube of glue or a fasteners or WD-40, and they buy the tiny sizes because they just toss.
I've never heard of a minimalist traveler purchasing and tossing clothing but if you've run across some of them I do believe you. Some of the RV'ers on this forum have this approach. The person with the minimalist kitchen might not have to go out to eat much if he or she were satisfied with simple or basic foods. There are people who are.
I have met a few travellers, all male but maybe that is just because I know more male solo travelers. They pride themselves in "no luggage". Typically the ones with a "carry on" about the size of a camera bag, smaller 20L backpack, and no other baggage. Take one change of clothing, comb, but don't even take a toothbrush or paste. Buy swim trunks if they need them, or a pair of shoes if they need more than the loafers they are wearing... these items do not return.
I travelled France for a month this year with a single 40L backpack. My friend pointed out how much luggage that was compared to him. He has a lot of money, which is how I discovered the hidden side of "minimal" travelling. Yes, I could have travelled without a clothes line and laundry soap, but the cost goes up to do laundry. Yes, I could have left my travel cutlery and bowl at home, but food costs go up...
Take a look at minimalist lifestyles, yes, there are Jacob at ERE that actually simplify their lives for a long haul. BUT, some of those shown on TV for decorating and decluttering, for example, actually buy new items and take care of them, repeating 3-5 years....
Technically, "Minimal" clothing does not actually mean that you BUY less clothing per year, it only means that you STORE less clothing at one time...
If that's the generally accepted definition-- it wasn't what I meant by "minimal"-- then perhaps we need a word besides "minimal" to describe buying and owning less. Unless we want to co-opt "Mustachian", however Mustachianism is a much broader term.
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I think "minimalism" means buying and owning less stuff. Buying stuff to use and toss is treating stuff as "disposable" (disposalism? disposablism?).
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I think "minimalism" means buying and owning less stuff. Buying stuff to use and toss is treating stuff as "disposable" (disposalism? disposablism?).
All the examples of minimalism I've ever seen involve uncluttered spaces with enormous hidden cupboards/storage spaces full of the stuff that wasn't on display.
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Old folks and cheap food, absolutely. We spend our winters in FL. but are 15-30 years younger than most of the snowbirds. There are chain restaurants there that make a killing off of the whole concept of catering to that set. Dale Evans, Cracker Barrel, all the usual suspects. Once you combine the snowbirds on the hunt for cheap eats, and the locals wanting to take the family out for affordable dining, it's a total waste of time to even get near some of those places on the weekend. Pretty hilarious to go to a place that specializes in $8 meals of food service, prefabbed crap, then hear the hostess tell you that it will be a 45 minute wait. No, really it won't, since waiting 45 minutes for that faux food, means I'm an idiot.
Hometown Buffet is another great one. Sizzler too. LOL. Don't get me wrong, my parents have their share of go-to non-chain restaurants... living in the Bay Area there are fortunately more than 5 choices hahaha. They seem to go through a regular rotation of Chinese food places every few years - complaining about quality and prices before moving onto the next. Other than that, my dad seems to think he's a master chef and often leaves messes in the kitchen for my mom to clean up. His latest craze is "dough" - yes... all kinds of dough. *sigh* And if you ever meet him, don't talk to him about it because he'll just talk your ear off the entire time about all the kinds of dough he's been making and how he's perfected the art of making dough.
Speaking of food, I probably already mentioned this in a prior post but my parents hoard food like crazy. Their upright freezer out in the garage is packed to the brim with food. We have a chest freezer in our garage, so I probably shouldn't talk much, but they probably have 3x as much food in there as we have in ours and it's just the two of them. They have all sorts of other crap in the fridge much of which my mom brings back from the school cafeteria because she subs at different schools, etc and knows all the cafeteria people. So she'll just take the leftovers or whatever they might end up tossing: chocolate milk, Taco Nadas, string cheese, fruit, etc. I guess that's not so bad since she feeds it to my nephews LOL! I was looking for cream cheese last week and found two expired ones, one which had mold growing in it. I asked my wife and she said "Oh you're mom said those are old and just to put them back..." *shrug* so I just put it back, not wanting to disturb the "balance" LOL
HMM... MIL is definitely not a hoarder, but does like nice dishware / serveware. She just dropped off boxes of items that I can use for an open house party in a couple of weeks. There is a lot of stuff! She retired to their second home outside of town (which is a 3 hr trek to get to, including a ferry), about 10 years ago, then proceeded to buy a lot of small appliances, a set of 24 matching dishes and serveware (x2 for large / small plates), 3x packages of eating utensils, etc. She has only had more than 8 people total to eat at their new place maybe once in 10 years. IDK. At least she donated all her old stuff as she bought new, but man, it seems like a lot for 2 people who are retired.
Side note -- I think there is an instant pot and a induction element in one box. I will have to try those one out!
INSTANT POT?! I'll take it if you don't want it! :P Crap, I'm already turning into my parents...
Growing up, my dad did most of the cooking (My mom's work hours were longer, and she had a very long commute). Now that he's 66, I think my dad has decided he paid his dues. He deosn't want to spend his remaining time on this earth cooking (my mom still works similar hours). So he doesn't. I think older folks often feel this way, hence the popularity of these restaurants.
Makes sense... I think my mom might feel that way because I rarely ever see her cook. Part of it is the stress of multi-tasking in cooking (prepping, cooking, cleaning) etc but the other part of it is that my dad gets all up in her bidness when she's cooking and she gets extra stressed out just having him around there. Admittedly, if you ask my wife she'll tell you the same thing about me LOL. I think my dad [and I, I guess] find some release/relief in cooking? It's somewhat therapeutic, barring oil splatters and burns in the face and other extremities... LOL
Anyway, yea my mom would always cook growing up. And she enjoys it time to time. But this past Thanksgiving reminded me how little she enjoys it especially with my dad making his 'experiments' while she's trying to handle everything else. I never remember my dad being interested in cooking so much until after he retired... if he's not rambling on about travels and gadgets, he's talking someone's ear off about the latest experiments in the kitchen (it doesn't help that he has zero sense of smell either)
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Apparently I hoard Amazon and other boxes in one of my closets. The idea was that I would use them if I ever sold stuff on eBay that I'd been meaning to get rid of. Tonight I pulled them all out, flattened them, and brought them down to cardboard recycling. Phew, feels good to get rid of that!
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Doesn’t it feel great to get rid of stuff? I have a pile in the corner for a goodwill run soon and get excited just thinking about the junk I can toss. It is easier when my husband is away on travel so I can make some unilateral decisions :)
In my mind minimalist is buying once and buying quality, and thinking hard about what you really need before pulling the trigger. If you buy a more expensive version of an item you are more likely to reflect before purchasing, and since it is quality you only need one and my need to replace it frequently. I get driven crazy by having three cheap copies of <insert random item>. I can remember sitting in my in-law’s garage with my husband and playing the game of “how many of x item can you spot without moving from our seats?”. Good lord, who needs five cans of WD-40 or three dremel drills?
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Apparently I hoard Amazon and other boxes in one of my closets. The idea was that I would use them if I ever sold stuff on eBay that I'd been meaning to get rid of. Tonight I pulled them all out, flattened them, and brought them down to cardboard recycling. Phew, feels good to get rid of that!
Uh... I need to do this when we get back home. I have a ton of Amazon, etc boxes in my garage that I'm 'storing' for Amazon/eBay sales as well. I certainly don't need as many as I'd like to think I do. Really what I should do is evaluate what I need to sell and find boxes for that stuff then get rid of the remaining boxes. No point in keeping all those.
BTW: on the way back home from NorCal and my hoarder parents' place... what a headache. Their hoarding habits haven't changed. And we are coming home with more than we brought again. There's a bag of stuff that we've determined to be for Goodwill... bringing it back to appease my mom but eventually dropping it off to Goodwill. I probably already mentioned this before but another thing they hoard and have craploads of are those reusable tote/shopping bags. Most of these come from the computer trade shows SWAG my dad collects. I'm not sure why he even goes to those other than to come home with crap... it's ridiculous, and the only reason he can go is because he has connections and used to work in the industry; yet, he has been retired for at least 10 years now. So in our cheap and worthless gift bags were what we expected: cheap items on sale from Old Navy, a cheap white dress shirt (I don't remember the last time I wore a dress shirt btw), a bunch of reusable tote bags, candy (that my mom got on Halloween clearance from CVS), and other stuff for the kids my mom likely got on clearance sales/deals. We actually left all the reusable trade show bags back up there along with other large toys because we just don't have room for that stuff. They bought us this huge Spinyos rollercoaster thing for the kids --- we have NO room for that stuff and they know it, yet they buy it anyway. SMH
Funny/ridiculous anecdote from Christmas day: my parents have this floorlamp that was in the living room where we were opening gifts and it was being moved around for picture-taking. Whoever moved it noticed cement crumbling out from under - apparently the base was broken. Immediately my mom had to assign 'blame' by saying "Hey didn't one of you boys give this to us?" - none of my brothers or I bought this lamp for them... likely, my dad did. Anyway, the base is screwed up so you'd think it should just be disposed of right? My dad agreed...until my mom said "NO WAY! DO NOT THROW THAT AWAY! IT'S STILL GOOD!" - at that point he conceded and said "oh yea I guess... well let me see how I can fix the base." At the moment, it's laying outside on their front patio in pieces. It looks like a junkyard in their front yard patio area BTW: wires and solar panels laying around that my dad setup for lighting (and Christmas lights). It just looks awful. He installed a Ring Doorbell and did a complete half-a hack-job installing it - completely off-centered and not mounted properly. These are my parents...all I can do is SMH. The more I see/hear from them the less I want to be involved in their 'pursuits'
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When my dad and his wife inherited a chunk of money from my grandparents, they bought a new double wide and they both said, "this house is not going to get junked-up like the last one"..... well once they were all moved in, my step-mom started going to garage sales with the windfall of cash. Glassware, toys, stuff filled the place up. They have at least 6 or 7 curio cabinets and an entire wall full of shelves filled with it. She has gotten to where she cannot shop like that anymore (illness) so has started giving me boxes of stuff when I visit. She will ask if I want it and I will say " yes, that is pretty cool". I take it home, sort through it and donate the junk. If it can be sold, I keep those items to sell. I figure I am helping my sister and step-sister in the long run.....
One time when visiting (they live 365 miles away) I had asked if I could use the washer and dryer to clean up some essentials. The washing machine was covered with unused boxes, garage sale purchases and garbage...I asked my step-mom where I could move the stuff to and she was annoyed that I couldn't just work around it. Needless to say, I will go to a laundry mat next time.
So much for the "no junk" rule......
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When my dad and his wife inherited a chunk of money from my grandparents, they bought a new double wide and they both said, "this house is not going to get junked-up like the last one"..... well once they were all moved in, my step-mom started going to garage sales with the windfall of cash. Glassware, toys, stuff filled the place up. They have at least 6 or 7 curio cabinets and an entire wall full of shelves filled with it. She has gotten to where she cannot shop like that anymore (illness) so has started giving me boxes of stuff when I visit. She will ask if I want it and I will say " yes, that is pretty cool". I take it home, sort through it and donate the junk. If it can be sold, I keep those items to sell. I figure I am helping my sister and step-sister in the long run.....
One time when visiting (they live 365 miles away) I had asked if I could use the washer and dryer to clean up some essentials. The washing machine was covered with unused boxes, garage sale purchases and garbage...I asked my step-mom where I could move the stuff to and she was annoyed that I couldn't just work around it. Needless to say, I will go to a laundry mat next time.
So much for the "no junk" rule......
My sister and I went through w/mom all the books. Something like 8-10 boxes were donated. There were 3 boxes that got set aside for my sister. I asked her about it recently, and she said most of it was stuff that mom wasn't going to donate but was willing to give to one of us. 98% of those boxes can be donated. Next time I'm visiting, I'm grabbing those boxes and taking them to my house. Will check with sister on what she actually wanted and donate the rest. Already made up a story to satisfy mom, sister is on board.
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My sister and I went through w/mom all the books. Something like 8-10 boxes were donated. There were 3 boxes that got set aside for my sister. I asked her about it recently, and she said most of it was stuff that mom wasn't going to donate but was willing to give to one of us. 98% of those boxes can be donated. Next time I'm visiting, I'm grabbing those boxes and taking them to my house. Will check with sister on what she actually wanted and donate the rest. Already made up a story to satisfy mom, sister is on board.
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It is a win-win....As long as they think I will use the items or store them at my house, it is easier for them to give it away. I think several older folks don't want to part with their stuff because it is of value to them..although we see it for what it is. My husband tried to help his mom go through financial paperwork and he found bank statements and Dr. bills from the late 1990's to the early 2000's. She didn't want to get rid of them because " what if someone tries to say I didn't pay them ?" It was hard to convince her that even the bank and doctors more than likely do not have the records anymore.
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My dad sent me home with 2 gallons of windshield washer fluid on Christmas eve. I already have enough for the winter. It's not he worst thing he could have given me, but it's going to be sitting around until next winter.
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My sister and I went through w/mom all the books. Something like 8-10 boxes were donated. There were 3 boxes that got set aside for my sister. I asked her about it recently, and she said most of it was stuff that mom wasn't going to donate but was willing to give to one of us. 98% of those boxes can be donated. Next time I'm visiting, I'm grabbing those boxes and taking them to my house. Will check with sister on what she actually wanted and donate the rest. Already made up a story to satisfy mom, sister is on board.
It is a win-win....As long as they think I will use the items or store them at my house, it is easier for them to give it away. I think several older folks don't want to part with their stuff because it is of value to them..although we see it for what it is. My husband tried to help his mom go through financial paperwork and he found bank statements and Dr. bills from the late 1990's to the early 2000's. She didn't want to get rid of them because " what if someone tries to say I didn't pay them ?" It was hard to convince her that even the bank and doctors more than likely do not have the records anymore.
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My parents had ALL their tax papers, old mortgages, records of buying/selling houses (even ones that fell through), utility bills, credit card bills, etc, since the beginning of time. I went through all that a couple years ago, boxes and boxes of paper. I don't know how many boxes of paper. Found some actually important things, and tossed/shredded the majority. I'm sure they've been accumulating since.
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My parents had ALL their tax papers, old mortgages, records of buying/selling houses (even ones that fell through), utility bills, credit card bills, etc, since the beginning of time. I went through all that a couple years ago, boxes and boxes of paper. I don't know how many boxes of paper. Found some actually important things, and tossed/shredded the majority. I'm sure they've been accumulating since.
It may not practical for retrieval, but I've often thought that the most practical filing system for many documents is one in which everything is filed by the date it is OK to destroy the document. Many documents are stored in case we need them in the future, but we hope we don't (tax records, warranty documents, etc.). If we can file by destruction date, we eliminate the need to sort through the documents before destroying them. Unfortunately not all documents have a clear destruction date when they are initially filed.
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Back from Christmas.
Got much less stuff from my mom than usual, in part because I reminded her several times that I did not want any stuff!
We also received gifts from other family members who I can't be quite as blunt with. Unfortunately we didn't want or need a lot of these. It feels ungrateful and snobby to say so, but it's the truth.
So almost all of our gifts from Christmas are already in the give-away pile. It is sad, but we've learned that we can't let these things accumulate. A few years of inertia on this front, and we'd be suffocating.
I wish gifts for the sake of gifts could be phased out. I accept the gifts, I write a thank you note, then I dispose of them. The whole cycle feels so wasteful and wrong. But I don't want to spend time storing, dusting, and tripping over things I don't even like!
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I think this year Christmas was a success. DW and I exchanged just a couple of things - mostly things we like to eat. Kids had a nice selection of things to use and play with. On one side of the family we picked from a pile. For example if you are male, you bring a male gift and get a male gift. Someone showed up without a gift and couldn't participate so I encouraged them to play in my place. YAY! He got the male knicknacks which would have been duplicates of things I already own (pliers, flashlight, etc all in camo).
So I came away from the work party and the one party with extended family with a fully belly, some laughs and no stuff.
Other side of the family still to come. Usually something small.
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Back from Christmas.
Got much less stuff from my mom than usual, in part because I reminded her several times that I did not want any stuff!
We also received gifts from other family members who I can't be quite as blunt with. Unfortunately we didn't want or need a lot of these. It feels ungrateful and snobby to say so, but it's the truth.
So almost all of our gifts from Christmas are already in the give-away pile. It is sad, but we've learned that we can't let these things accumulate. A few years of inertia on this front, and we'd be suffocating.
I wish gifts for the sake of gifts could be phased out. I accept the gifts, I write a thank you note, then I dispose of them. The whole cycle feels so wasteful and wrong. But I don't want to spend time storing, dusting, and tripping over things I don't even like!
I have pretty decent luck returning unopened items to stores. I returned 2 items to Target, they didn't take a 3rd. I have one item that is a Walmart brand and didn't have it with me when I drove past (of course). This year was really light, but in the past I've returned dozens of items to stores. I get store credit of course, but it spends just the same and I get what I actually need. I'll donate or regift as well.
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I call this Christmas a success! There is a group of family who always ask what we want for Christmas, and always never get us what we want and instead get something similar but not close enough to be desirable. This year they just gave us random vegan food. We still have some things that are going to the thrift store soon, but hey we can use the food at least!
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I was once in a relationship with someone who would buy stuff because it was such a "deal." One minor example is a package of 500 high quality paper plates from Costco - I urged him to just buy a smaller package of plates from the grocery store, but he refused because they were so much more "expensive" per plate. He had one cookout, then "gifted" the remaining 485 plates to me because "I had kids and would use them." Six years (and three houses) later, I finally threw them out. (And now that we're no longer dating, I'm able to donate some of the better quality items to Goodwill.)
Why does someone do that? He grew up dirt poor and can't shake the idea that he needs to be thrifty and that other people are always looking to relieve him of his hard earned cash. And then when he gives whatever he bought to someone else, he can feel generous. He viewed any discussion of asking him not to give me this stuff as insulting and a rejection of him as a provider.
In the meantime, he still has three storage units that he's paying for - one in New York, a second in Arizona and a third in Virginia.
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I was once in a relationship with someone who would buy stuff because it was such a "deal." One minor example is a package of 500 high quality paper plates from Costco - I urged him to just buy a smaller package of plates from the grocery store, but he refused because they were so much more "expensive" per plate. He had one cookout, then "gifted" the remaining 485 plates to me because "I had kids and would use them." Six years (and three houses) later, I finally threw them out. (And now that we're no longer dating, I'm able to donate some of the better quality items to Goodwill.)
Why does someone do that? He grew up dirt poor and can't shake the idea that he needs to be thrifty and that other people are always looking to relieve him of his hard earned cash. And then when he gives whatever he bought to someone else, he can feel generous. He viewed any discussion of asking him not to give me this stuff as insulting and a rejection of him as a provider.
In the meantime, he still has three storage units that he's paying for - one in New York, a second in Arizona and a third in Virginia.
@TheGrimSqueaker has had a lot of experience in some of that and explains it quite well.
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I have pretty decent luck returning unopened items to stores. I returned 2 items to Target, they didn't take a 3rd. I have one item that is a Walmart brand and didn't have it with me when I drove past (of course). This year was really light, but in the past I've returned dozens of items to stores. I get store credit of course, but it spends just the same and I get what I actually need. I'll donate or regift as well.
With gifts we don't want, we usually have had decent luck returning to stores for store credit. Not all the time, but most of the time. One year for Christmas, I got a Williams and Sonoma cookbook from SIL. Nice cookbook but I recently downsized my cookbooks (I must have had nearly every church cookbook known to man) and was only keeping those that I actually used. So I returned it to the store for an item that I actually needed, a heavy duty baking sheet.
Anything that we can't return gets either donated or regifted. I have long gotten over keeping things just because "so and so gave it to me". If I can use it, great. If not, out it goes be it store return, Goodwill or to somebody else.
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Anything that we can't return gets either donated or regifted. I have long gotten over keeping things just because "so and so gave it to me". If I can use it, great. If not, out it goes be it store return, Goodwill or to somebody else.
I don't see the point in cluttering up my house with crap.
+1
My husband went to return something that I received for Christmas the other day (no receipt, so I was going for store credit). It seems that it was actually not a for sale item, but an item they were giving out as a free gift if you bought something else! So that was kind of funny. I will probably just donate it instead.
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Now you need giveaway boxes with expiration dates. This box to be given away in 6 months, that one in 18 months when the gift is forgotten by the person who gave it to me...
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Yes, my FIL.
My FIL is a hardcore hoarder. Just like you see on tv. His cars (all are clunkers... all 5 of them) are always full of trash. The cars have so much trash that it's almost impossible to see out of the windshield. Also, it's almost impossible for him to reach the pedals as the trash is all over. I've known my wife for 7 years, and we've never been to his house. We live about 20 minutes away. He also owns and operates a small business, which we've only visited 5 or 6 times. The business is just an extension of his hoard, as the store looks like a house in the show Hoarders. No idea how anyone would ever buy anything from his store. He must be losing tons of money with this "business" but appears to keep the business afloat with his salary from his state job. He loves hoarding locksmithing things, usually spending $300 a week on key machines. He must own hundreds of these.
Anyways- every time he visits our house he always brings crap. Old DVDs, books, used dolls (for our daughter). We've asked him to stop but he wont. My wife feels bad about the stuff he brings and is reluctant to want to throw it away. This has led to some fights within the marriage.
He's close to retirement age and has nothing saved. He's earned good money throughout his life but has spent it all on junk. Not only that, but his hoarding has severely harmed his relationship with his children and grandchildren.
So yeah... sorry about the rant.
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
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Ten years go, friends of ours lived in an old home that had an electrical fire in the middle of the night. They escaped, along with their four young daughters, with only the clothes on their back.
Two years later, he told me it was the greatest thing ever because they were borderline hoarders and never would have gotten rid of all of the crap. They've been MMM-like minamalists ever since.
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One more anecdote....I used to have a huge sports memorabilia collection (since sold) and was also a sportswriter.
When I'd visit the lovely, massive homes of professional athletes, one of the things that struck me was how little they had on display. Some guys might have an award or two, some photos of the teams they'd play for. But if I asked where they kept their MVP or championship trophies, for the most part they'd shrug and say a family member has it it or they might be in storage somewhere.
That's when I figured that if these guys didn't collect their own stuff, why should anyone else collect it?
And taking this down to the level of us lesser mortals, why would our kids want to keep a lot of our crap?
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Yes, my FIL.
My FIL is a hardcore hoarder. Just like you see on tv. His cars (all are clunkers... all 5 of them) are always full of trash. The cars have so much trash that it's almost impossible to see out of the windshield. Also, it's almost impossible for him to reach the pedals as the trash is all over. I've known my wife for 7 years, and we've never been to his house. We live about 20 minutes away. He also owns and operates a small business, which we've only visited 5 or 6 times. The business is just an extension of his hoard, as the store looks like a house in the show Hoarders. No idea how anyone would ever buy anything from his store. He must be losing tons of money with this "business" but appears to keep the business afloat with his salary from his state job. He loves hoarding locksmithing things, usually spending $300 a week on key machines. He must own hundreds of these.
Anyways- every time he visits our house he always brings crap. Old DVDs, books, used dolls (for our daughter). We've asked him to stop but he wont. My wife feels bad about the stuff he brings and is reluctant to want to throw it away. This has led to some fights within the marriage.
He's close to retirement age and has nothing saved. He's earned good money throughout his life but has spent it all on junk. Not only that, but his hoarding has severely harmed his relationship with his children and grandchildren.
So yeah... sorry about the rant.
Yesterday during Thanksgiving I learned....
My FIL's hoarding is do bad that he has purchased up to 6 white van for the sole purpose of filling them up with stuff. Once full, the parks them in a public place. Apparently, it's cheaper to do this than to rent a storage unit.
Also, all his cars are so filed with trash that he can no longer drive them. Therefore, he rents a car for a week at a time to use in his normal day driving. He had been banned from several car rental places because everytime he returns a car it's full to the brim with trash.
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
You are missing the point... hoarders won't get rid of things easily if at all while they are alive. Sure, they might offload some items, but the person you're responding to is talking about her mother's house and her mother's things she won't get rid of or give away to anyone. They will have a nervous breakdown or temper tantrum if you try to remove things they collect/hoard. The stuff isn't anyone else's to give away unless the hoarder allows it and they rarely do. You really can't just sweep in and get rid of their things for them - they will have a mental breakdown at best, and you could be arrested for stealing their things and cause them to have a stroke or something at worst.
It is a terrible illness. But similar to how you can't force someone to seek medical treatment unless they are totally and completely unable to protest against it, you can't force a hoarder to get rid of their hoard without serious repercussions.
In the case of a health hazard, you can get the county health services to force a cleanout, but it will not last because the underlying issues that caused the hoarding will make them run out and get more stuff (sometimes WAAAAAY more than they originally had) due to the trauma.
And I remember several stories of someone "doing the hoarder a favor" by cleaning out their house while they were away (hospital/traveling) and they were threatened with criminal trespass, theft, and the hoarder had a serious mental/physical relapse due to the stress and upset.
You have to get them into intensive therapy most of the time to make even a dent in the hoarding mentality. Without treating the cause, the symptoms - the piles of clothes/food/stuff - would just reaccumulate. But most hoarders are highly resistant to therapy because they use their hoarding AS therapy and it is a very difficult mental issue to untangle even with those that admit they have a problem.
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Some tragic events lead to some of my extended family passing away. My mom was so into going through the Hummels and the ceramics that she couldn’t relax until she had taken a look at everything to find out who took what, and what she could get. It seriously creeped me out. My aunt wanted a lot of the ceramic Christmas trees and so did my mom. The only difference is that my aunt actually decorates while my mom just keeps them in boxes in her basement. But my mom insisted on claiming no less than 6 for herself. The amount of absolute crap in her basement drives me nuts.
I helped her out with a yard sale about a year ago and it went well- $2000 of junk sold, and a lot of the basement was cleaned out. Especially the 20 pounds of fake flowers that she keeps down there. Now, one year later, it’s like we never had a sale. The flowers are back. The chairs are back. The Craigslist junk is back. The baby clothes for my baby -that I don’t have- are back. I don’t know why she does this.
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Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
You are missing the point... hoarders won't get rid of things easily if at all while they are alive.
Yes, I know! I meant, when the time comes to deal with her stuff. OP might be able to find groups willing to pick up, or he could send the clothes right back to Goodwill whence they came.
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My mom is not a hoarder per se as her house is immaculate and she doesn’t buy a lot of stuff. That said when she gets something she has a hard time ever getting rid of it. Hence at her house I found literally vintage spice containers from pre 1980. They actaullly sell for a decent amount on eBay because they are these cool looking tins. Every time I visit I convince her to let me purge and organize a closet. I find it so gratifying.
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My mom before she past about 5 years ago was a dealer and pretty much our entire house , Garage and any other area she could find was full of shit she would buy and sell. She wasnt a hoarder like you would see on those shows but she definitely was on the verge. Anything she bought did not end up in the trash ever. So there was alot of junk that she would try to give us or our kids etc.. When she past and I emptied out her house which was 1100Square feet plus a 2.5 car garage I filled 3 of the largest dumpsters they made of just stuff. While i felt some guilt doing this I had no choice and it was exhausting. The difference is despite most of our rooms having stuff in them for sale and hard to navigate at times she kept things clean.
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My parents can be a challenge. Their home is clean but they have a ton of stuff they don’t need but won’t toss. Having read some really intense hoarding stories here though, I’m going to immediately stop complaining. Wow.
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I've seen two of the Hoarders TV show episodes. I've wondered while reading this thread how some of those people are these days. Did they return to their hoarding habits or was it life changing (for the better). Those TV shows are sometimes so scripted that I would not take any of it as factual. I'm sure the messes were real.
Tiny joy: I recycled a old bucket of bolts and nuts last night. Been haunting me for a very long time. Good intentions to sort and make use of them someday but honestly they don't fit anything I own. The funny part is that they were gifted to me by someone else who also had good intentions and simply needed them gone. They occupied a tiny place on my workbench but the relief of them being recycled was sizable. Perhaps a tiny preview of the hoarding psychology. I've helped a couple of cleanouts - one end of life, one downsizing due to age. I don't want us to be in that position ever.
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my mom has nice old stuff which is almost worse. knowing that itlll be in style in 20 or 30 yrs. old armoires and silver that ppl used to really lust after
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
A good friend of mine who's in her mid-60's now has lots of antiques in her apartment - stuff like the chairs from her grandparents' farm in Ontario. so accidental antique ownership. :)
As well, her ex-husband owned a furniture store that dealt in new and antique furniture IIRC. She has an old sewing table from his shop that apparently someone in the 1970's had stuck linoleum on the top of it because antiques weren't popular then. Her husband was able to refinish it and it is very beautiful. I agree that young people don't like antiques and I remember only liking modern furniture when I was young too. However, now I do like them. And I am looking out for an antique oak dresser in local auctions.
Back to the thread topic: my parents don't hoard and then try to give me crap.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
A good friend of mine who's in her mid-60's now has lots of antiques in her apartment - stuff like the chairs from her grandparents' farm in Ontario. so accidental antique ownership. :)
As well, her ex-husband owned a furniture store that dealt in new and antique furniture IIRC. She has an old sewing table from his shop that apparently someone in the 1970's had stuck linoleum on the top of it because antiques weren't popular then. Her husband was able to refinish it and it is very beautiful. I agree that young people don't like antiques and I remember only liking modern furniture when I was young too. However, now I do like them. And I am looking out for an antique oak dresser in local auctions.
Back to the thread topic: my parents don't hoard and then try to give me crap.
Oddly, I never liked antiques when I was young, but now I'm at a stage where I'm inspired by furniture that is older than I am but still going strong.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
I'm hoping that antiques will come back in style in a green "reduce reuse recycle" way. If you want to avoid clear cutting forests in China to get crappy furniture - buy quality used stuff.
And stop caring if the stuff in your house doesn't match.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
I'm hoping that antiques will come back in style in a green "reduce reuse recycle" way. If you want to avoid clear cutting forests in China to get crappy furniture - buy quality used stuff.
And stop caring if the stuff in your house doesn't match.
Stuff is supposed to match?
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Now the Holidays are coming up...hoarder parents love to send boxes of crap as gifts!
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So just now, my dad was showing up a pineapple de-eyer slicer thing that they supposedly use in Asia for making it easy to get the eyes out of pineapples. He was like "yea this is what they use in Asia. we're going to give you this one" as if we need more crap and clutter from them. I told him we eat pineapple like twice a year so why do we need this? Granted, it's a small device but our utensils drawer is packed with utensils they've given us and of which 10% we probably use. They tend to do this with other stuff too... my mom is one of those crazy coupon ladies who is really good and finding deals on stuff for insanely cheap and will stock up on tons of bottles of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. They'll also grab those soaps/shampoos/lotions/etc from hotels and do it every time the cleaning lady refills or sometimes they'll ask the front desk for more. Admittedly, it's pretty useful when we find ourselves short of things but all things considered, they're such hoarders and packrats.
My wife would tell you that I take after them, but I beg to differ...slightly.
Anyway, my mom likes to shop at Sears and Kohls and buy stuff only if she can get it (with coupons especially) for 90%+ off. And my dad will buy crap off Aliexpress (like stupid headlamps) that he then gives to each of us because we "need headlamps" - it's pretty ridiculous. Most of the stuff they give to us is just junk (they'll also bring back trinkets and keepsakes from trips [e.g. woven water bottle holders my mom got a bargain for in Peru - seriously? when would we ever use this? "Hey, you never know" is always their response] and other stuff).
My wife especially gets annoyed with this - my mom will give her cheapo purses and clutches that look tacky and they end up piling up in our closet because my wife feels bad not to take them or give them away but won't actually use them. *Some* of the stuff they'll get us we actually might be interested in, but a lot of it is just junk.
It especially gets ugly at Christmas time... "great, we have a bag full of crap to bring back home with us" - I've told my parents to stop giving us junk and they've gotten better at it but they still can't resist. Seriously though, with all the junk they buy and have hoarded, they could probably send thousands of shoeboxes out via Operation Christmas Child. Or it's like, instead of the $100s of dollars you spent buying crap for us in the past couple years, you could have just given us $100 dollars cash.
Anyone of you have parents or relatives like this? It's pretty hilarious actually... but we're dreading having to clean out their house when the day comes that they're no longer with us.
Yes. Except in my case the “gift” comes with strings attached. The suff we don’t actually need, but then my mom comes over and tells us that we owe her because she got us something.
We throw all this crap into a bag and dump at a local Savers thrift store. I’ll write it off on taxes (if I can). Or just flat out tell her that I don’t want it and she should take it back.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
You must not have many "hipsters" in your area. I can say that a not insignificant fraction of young people do indeed like antiques. They've even opened several shops in my area to sell antiques and "vintage" clothing to other young people for significant markups. It started with pop-up stores.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
You must not have many "hipsters" in your area. I can say that a not insignificant fraction of young people do indeed like antiques. They've even opened several shops in my area to sell antiques and "vintage" clothing to other young people for significant markups. It started with pop-up stores.
Funny how something that started from economic necessity (thrifting and hand-me-down/curbside furniture) has turned into something people are willing to spend a lot more for.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
I'm hoping that antiques will come back in style in a green "reduce reuse recycle" way. If you want to avoid clear cutting forests in China to get crappy furniture - buy quality used stuff.
And stop caring if the stuff in your house doesn't match.
Stuff is supposed to match?
Almost 20 years ago I was chatting with a coworker of mine. She was probably 10 years older than I was. So I was probably 29 and she was late 30's.
We were talking about furniture, and I mentioned that my apartment was decorated in "late college/ early Navy" (probably with a little bit of Ikea). She said "well SOME DAY you are going to want matching items".
Still waiting for that to happen. Actually interestingly, we swapped bedrooms with the boys this year. In the process of taking the "small" bedroom, we are back to having matching furniture! The teak-ish items that my husband bought, one at a time, in the early 1990s ("early Navy") actually match. Bed frame, one dresser, small filing cabinet.
This kids' room has the faux cherry dresser that I bought in 1993, and the reddish-wood bunk beds that I bought off Craigslist.
The living room, however, is a mixture of hand-made stained, garage sale blond, kmart black, and whatever we got on a discount.
Even funnier is the lack of matching plates. We have four sets of Corelle dinnerware. They stack! Rust stripe that were hand me downs from my sister in 1992. Yellow floral from the 70's, hand me down from my stepfather's mom. Blue stripe that was my husband's. And a NEW SET from my MIL last year, green with a flower. So, my big kid is in junior high this year. They have a formal dance in the winter. To keep costs down (our school is poor), they use a church space, and ask families to "adopt" a table. Meaning: families will provide a round tablecloth, plates, cutlery, cloth napkins, and glassware. Well, because it's a formal, they don't want disposable. They want it to be "somewhat winter themed". I asked if it had to match? They are okay if it's 2 sets.
What I can't figure out is if the new set of Corelle would be nice enough. My only other option is the wedding china, buried in a closet. We've got plenty of cloth napkins (and I can make more). We can buy or rent a tablecloth. We've got decent glasses that we've had forever. I mean, it's a bunch of junior high kids, so I *THINK* they'd be thrilled with Corelle? Going to have to send a private email before I sign up.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
You must not have many "hipsters" in your area. I can say that a not insignificant fraction of young people do indeed like antiques. They've even opened several shops in my area to sell antiques and "vintage" clothing to other young people for significant markups. It started with pop-up stores.
Funny how something that started from economic necessity (thrifting and hand-me-down/curbside furniture) has turned into something people are willing to spend a lot more for.
You gotta be authentic!
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
You must not have many "hipsters" in your area. I can say that a not insignificant fraction of young people do indeed like antiques. They've even opened several shops in my area to sell antiques and "vintage" clothing to other young people for significant markups. It started with pop-up stores.
Funny how something that started from economic necessity (thrifting and hand-me-down/curbside furniture) has turned into something people are willing to spend a lot more for.
In this case, it's not necessarily the stuff itself that people are spending more for, it's the fact that someone has sorted through the tsunami of used goods available and has selected the specific objects that are in style now.
Instead of having to haunt Goodwill/Craigslist/eBay/the curb, you get filtered shopping experience, with all the things pre-curated by a person with hip taste. This is what the customers are paying for.
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Young people don’t like antiques. Doubt it will come back in style. I can’t stand to watch hoarders because of the filth.
You must not have many "hipsters" in your area. I can say that a not insignificant fraction of young people do indeed like antiques. They've even opened several shops in my area to sell antiques and "vintage" clothing to other young people for significant markups. It started with pop-up stores.
Funny how something that started from economic necessity (thrifting and hand-me-down/curbside furniture) has turned into something people are willing to spend a lot more for.
In this case, it's not necessarily the stuff itself that people are spending more for, it's the fact that someone has sorted through the tsunami of used goods available and has selected the specific objects that are in style now.
Instead of having to haunt Goodwill/Craigslist/eBay/the curb, you get filtered shopping experience, with all the things pre-curated by a person with hip taste. This is what the customers are paying for.
You also get to see the object and to examine it before paying for it, and you therefore avoid exorbitant shipping costs to return what arrives damaged or other than advertised, which is situation normal when buying online. There is NO truth in advertising and no accountability.
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Yes. Except in my case the “gift” comes with strings attached. The suff we don’t actually need, but then my mom comes over and tells us that we owe her because she got us something.
Give her something she doesn't want. She got you something you don't want, and fair's fair, right?
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My mother-in-law is the kind of woman who has a collection of stuffed animals into her late '70s.
My children are sometimes gifted a Beanie Baby as a holiday or birthday present. They come in a reused shopping bag.
I feel bad because I know that these objects are somewhat precious to my MIL, and after a hug or two by the child in question, they will be ignored for months until I finally declutter them to a thrift shop.
My father-in-law uses his Kohl's Cash (??) to buy the children what he hopes are "high-impact gifts" that will make them say ooh and ahh. But we don't really have room for them all in our small house, no one ever bothers to assemble them completely, and by March they are broken trash.
It's done with fine intentions but we just don't share common values when it comes to consumerism, which, I suppose, is typical of the ways families change and evolve over time.
It's hard to buy presents for family members but we are not emotionally close enough with the in-laws to communicate honestly about it, so we continue just doing our silly separate things.
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We live in Nevada and many of the antique shops went out of business. It took me a year to sell a walnut Eastlake double bed in perfect condition. I sold it for $250 even though supposedly it was worth much more. I belong to a forum with many people in their 50-60’s who all reported that they couldn’t even give their antiques away.
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We live in Nevada and many of the antique shops went out of business. It took me a year to sell a walnut Eastlake double bed in perfect condition. I sold it for $250 even though supposedly it was worth much more. I belong to a forum with many people in their 50-60’s who all reported that they couldn’t even give their antiques away.
We had a couple of antique items: double bed, 2 bed stands, and a small table. Couldn't sell them, and after about 2 years of trying, we donated them.
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We live in Nevada and many of the antique shops went out of business. It took me a year to sell a walnut Eastlake double bed in perfect condition. I sold it for $250 even though supposedly it was worth much more. I belong to a forum with many people in their 50-60’s who all reported that they couldn’t even give their antiques away.
I don't disagree at all. Not surprised. A problem around here is that dwellings are getting smaller - especially in the condo market - so less room for furniture.
However, my eye is open for a century-old oak dresser. :) My husband buys and re-sells stuff from on-line auctions and is on the look out for me.
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We live in Nevada and many of the antique shops went out of business. It took me a year to sell a walnut Eastlake double bed in perfect condition. I sold it for $250 even though supposedly it was worth much more. I belong to a forum with many people in their 50-60’s who all reported that they couldn’t even give their antiques away.
I don't disagree at all. Not surprised. A problem around here is that dwellings are getting smaller - especially in the condo market - so less room for furniture.
However, my eye is open for a century-old oak dresser. :) My husband buys and re-sells stuff from on-line auctions and is on the look out for me.
We kept the oak dressers that went with the bed. We got rid of the bed because we decided to upgrade to a queen size but got a modern style (metal) that actually works with the dressers.
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We did the same and got a metal bed when we got a king. Antiques go well with metal.
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Every time I read this thread I get up and find things to give to Salvation Army. I vow to never leave excess for my children to deal with!
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We have gotten rid of a ton of stuff now that we are older.
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Every time I read this thread I get up and find things to give to Salvation Army. I vow to never leave excess for my children to deal with!
Ain't that the truth.
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Before I buy something I ask myself if I will be hauling it to the thrift store in a few years. Really makes you think about purchases.
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Watching a couple of episodes of "Hoarders" always gets me in the mood to toss stuff. Yeah some of it is pretty gross but it gets me out of rationalizing why I keep some things or too many of some things.
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Watching a couple of episodes of "Hoarders" always gets me in the mood to toss stuff. Yeah some of it is pretty gross but it gets me out of rationalizing why I keep some things or too many of some things.
Love that show. It's my cleaning show. There's nothing like scrubbing out the fridge watching someone with roaches living in theirs!
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Watching a couple of episodes of "Hoarders" always gets me in the mood to toss stuff. Yeah some of it is pretty gross but it gets me out of rationalizing why I keep some things or too many of some things.
Love that show. It's my cleaning show. There's nothing like scrubbing out the fridge watching someone with roaches living in theirs!
I find the show fascinating but DH cannot watch it. After about 4 episodes of the first season, he stopped watching with me, finding it too gross. He did grow up in a very cluttered, with level 2 hoarding in several rooms. I think it triggers him which I fully understand.
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Watching a couple of episodes of "Hoarders" always gets me in the mood to toss stuff. Yeah some of it is pretty gross but it gets me out of rationalizing why I keep some things or too many of some things.
Love that show. It's my cleaning show. There's nothing like scrubbing out the fridge watching someone with roaches living in theirs!
I find the show fascinating but DH cannot watch it. After about 4 episodes of the first season, he stopped watching with me, finding it too gross. He did grow up in a very cluttered, with level 2 hoarding in several rooms. I think it triggers him which I fully understand.
I just Googled the 5 levels of hoarding and it's pretty fearsome.
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I just Googled the 5 levels of hoarding and it's pretty fearsome.
DH was shocked to learn that the level of "clutter" in the home he grew up in was even on the hoarding scale. That shows how people get used to it when they are in it long enough.
One of the reasons I did not want to buy a house right after we got married was that I was concerned that he would not get his collecting under control. I didn't want to live in those conditions and he had no perspective that people didn't live like that. He did succeed in getting control, however, and has come a long way. We had a conversation yesterday and he admitted of his own accord that holding on to things kept him from enjoying the things he does have.
Parents' home doesn't have hoarded rooms anymore because they moved and a flood in the basement of the new house 20 years ago took care of a lot of the stuff. SIL's home is reportedly a massive hoard, no one has been in there in years but last time we were there, circa 2005, it was in stage 2 territory. Husband says as the best way to clear out the home is to "burn it". That tells you something.
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I am pondering the idea of how the antique market, especially for Victorian furniture and all brown furniture, have gone in the crapper. I pretty much accepted that idea.
And while I still think it is true, there is an antique dealer in Denver who gives a weekly video update on what is happening in his very large antique mall called the Brass Aarmadillo. His name is Gary Stover, he did a program on Victorian furniture and concluded that perhaps the market has dropped by 20% in profits cost but that is all the down he can see. And then he did another program on 1930s mahogany furniture which is Known to be the cheapest at least respected furniture in the antique market.
He didn’t find much of this furniture in his antique mall, and he has theorize that either 1) The furniture is not there because dealers know there are no buyers or 2) People really are buying up everything in this category that goes into his store.
I respect this guy because he did a video on flow blue China, something I collect, and he was right on and everything he said and he theorizes that flow blue is one of the few types of Victorian pottery that has held its value over the past five decades.
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I think a good chunk of the issue with the antiques market (of which I have been a participant), is that you've got the Baby Boomers and older generations facing downsizing/dying, so aren't buying much (in total, you've got exceptions of course), but are selling in large quantities. And younger generations either have different tastes, different needs/wants, or a lack of resources, so aren't buying as much, but may be selling whatever they got from elderly/deceased family members.
This leads to a complicated situation, where the market is flooded with items that no one wants, but the items that ARE wanted are either not hitting the market or are being purchased very quickly.
Really, we're facing the expected consequences of Too Much Stuff. It'll shake out eventually. We just have to survive the myriad complaints of our mothers that we don't want their stuff.
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Right!
Baby Boomers (lots of them) are selling their furniture and copious collections.
Generations X and Y (smaller population) have less money and aren't interested.
Millennials (even larger population than boomers) are even poorer than Gen X and Y, are constrained for space, and aren't interested.
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This antique discussion is very interesting to me. Growing up my mom was a big hobby antique collector, but most of it came from garage sales, as we did not have a lot of money. Over time, she sold and upgraded a lot and now has a condo full of really nice antiques, some of which are truly beautiful. They are all in great condition and well taken care of, although we joke that her house looks like a french whorehouse. (It does.) However, the only piece I really want is a tall dresser that was my great grandmothers. (I would probably want more if I wasn't planning to FIRE outside of the US.)
True story: Because of my mom's love of antiques, I bought 2 tall antique walnut dressers when I was in my 20s, that were cheap because they desperately needed refinishing. I have now had them over 25 years and still haven't refinished them, but they still work great and keeping a runner over the top has hidden the scratches for years. A few years back I decided that since I had the money, I would buy a new dresser and that would free up one of the old dressers and I would finally get them refinished one at a time. So I bought a new dresser from a decent furniture company and it was so disappointing. The outside looked nice, but the drawers were crap and the sides only went up half of the actual drawer height, so clothes get pushed out the back and have to be fished out. And despite being larger than the antiques, didn't even hold the same amount of clothes. That really made me appreciate the quality and workmanship of the antique dressers vs. the new one. I never even bothered to get the old ones refinished, I decided that I like the "character".
It breaks my heart to think that the younger generation doesn't appreciate the quality and workmanship of antiques, and that a lot of these pieces will end up in a landfill as a result.
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It breaks my heart to think that the younger generation doesn't appreciate the quality and workmanship of antiques, and that a lot of these pieces will end up in a landfill as a result.
Yes. A lot of antiques are made of hardwoods which are now endangered, such as mahogany and teak. Anyone buying new furniture made from those woods in particular but many others too is choosing to help destroy the environment and contribute to illegal logging and climate change.
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Just got a new one from my in-law: A bag full (full!!) of old matchbooks.
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I noticed on Etsy that people are painting antiques and selling them so maybe they will used in this new way by younger people.
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Just got a new one from my in-law: A bag full (full!!) of old matchbooks.
Hahaha. *sobs*
I received a swag flashlight from the 90s that doesn't work and a mobile power bank that would've been helpful in 2005 (it's pre-USB and very under-powered).
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
How about doing a cursory go-through to take anything of value for yourself first. Then putting a giant Craigslist ad in the Free Stuff section, and opening the doors. Stuff will grow legs and walk away like you wouldn't believe. People will clear the house out like locusts on a ripe crop.
And you won't have to sort or cull, or take to Goodwill, or manage any of it. Seriously, it's fabulous (I've done it!).
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
How about doing a cursory go-through to take anything of value for yourself first. Then putting a giant Craigslist ad in the Free Stuff section, and opening the doors. Stuff will grow legs and walk away like you wouldn't believe. People will clear the house out like locusts on a ripe crop.
Around here, this would be a great way to lose all the copper wiring in the walls, plus the heat pump or furnace, plus the hot water heater and any copper pipes.
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Post "guards" at front and rear doors?
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goodwill is a scam bc they are a for-profit operation
we found a grass roots org around here and let's ppl with needs come straight to the warehouse and take stuff away for free
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My parents are hoarders (not Hoarder the show level hoarders), but they can't seem to downsize. My mom has a serious clothes problem (Goodwill is her friend) and the extra bedrooms that the kids lived in are now closets. She also has an earring buying problem and probably has thousands I think.
My dad has serious garage hoarding and can't get rid of anything out in his garage. They don't give me stuff right now, but what they will give me and my siblings is all of their stuff upon death. I quake at just the thought of going through all of it. Maybe I could just set the house afire? I look at it all and see months and months of work. Some of the stuff is worth something.
My mom also hoards clothes from Goodwill. Piles and piles, 3 feet high, spread out over multiple bedrooms.
As the closest child, and the one with lots of free time, it'll be up to me to clear it. I'm thinking a dumpster (or two) dropped off in the driveway is the way to go. I'll hire some day laborers and they can wheelbarrow it out.
When I was visiting this past week, all I could think of was how many thousands and thousands of dollars and wasted resources are sitting in piles, unused and forgotten.
Such a terrible illness! and such a waste! Could you find some charitable groups who would be willing to take the clothes? For instance, groups for the homeless and refugees are always glad for winter coats and warm clothes; women's shelters often collect professional clothes for job interviews. In my hometown we do big collections a couple times a season; sounds like you could supply an entire collection in one fell swoop!
How about doing a cursory go-through to take anything of value for yourself first. Then putting a giant Craigslist ad in the Free Stuff section, and opening the doors. Stuff will grow legs and walk away like you wouldn't believe. People will clear the house out like locusts on a ripe crop.
Around here, this would be a great way to lose all the copper wiring in the walls, plus the heat pump or furnace, plus the hot water heater and any copper pipes.
If you are going to empty out a house anyway, you could first have the laborers put the stuff out into the garage or driveway before it hits the dumpster. Tell people on Craigslist that they can come by between certain hours to take stuff away, like a free tag sale, and let them know that any uncourteous behavior will result in an uninvitation to be on your property. That way nobody will be entering the house, but you will have less waste and pay fewer disposal fees. Who knows, you could even have people pay you some early bird fees to be allowed to come and take away as much as they can carry in an hour
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goodwill is a scam bc they are a for-profit operation
we found a grass roots org around here and let's ppl with needs come straight to the warehouse and take stuff away for free
I don’t understand the Goodwill hate. They take my old stuff so it doesn’t end up in a landfill. That is what I want from them. I am not donating to charity! I’m getting rid of stuff!
I’m aware of what they sell it for because I can see the prices. I think they are supposed to offer job training to people — maybe that isn’t true? I use for-profit companies for everything else in my life, I don’t understand why this instance would villainize the company. At least they aren’t mass-producing consumerist crap like a lot of other companies.
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Garage sale the first weekend, everything is free the second weekend. Sell it from the driveway, have a pickup truck ready to carry off the remains to a charity at the end of the day.
We skip the garage sale. Just go straight to charity. I just don't have the time and energy to set up a garage sale...
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In my profession we worked closely with goodwill for years. How helpful they are depends on who runs them. For years they hired our people with disabilities who couldn’t hold jobs in a competitive setting. They made money by selling the donations. Then management changed and they fired everyone that had a disability. Locally I won’t donate to them. Many programs like the Salvation Army give people recovering from addiction a place to live and feed them. In return they work in their thrift stores or are kettle ringers at Xmas. They refer clients to agencies that help them find employment. They make money selling donations and asking for monetary donations also.
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It's Christmas time, the season of visiting relatives and coming home with their old shit, plus new shit they bought for you!
Who is excited?!?
My dad has a new oddity. He apparently has kept various broken ceramic Christmas ornaments since I was a child. Now every year at Christmas he painstakingly fixes a few and gives them to my kids. My kids give zero fucks. They do not want random ornaments from my childhood. I am neutral on them, but we already have more than enough ornaments.
They do look really good, he could totally fix stuff people actually care about!
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It's Christmas time, the season of visiting relatives and coming home with their old shit, plus new shit they bought for you!
Who is excited?!?
My dad has a new oddity. He apparently has kept various broken ceramic Christmas ornaments since I was a child. Now every year at Christmas he painstakingly fixes a few and gives them to my kids. My kids give zero fucks. They do not want random ornaments from my childhood. I am neutral on them, but we already have more than enough ornaments.
They do look really good, he could totally fix stuff people actually care about!
Perhaps you could look on this as time when you teach your kids to accept gifts graciously, and to concentrate on the spirit in which they were given and the effort required in giving them, rather than what they actually are.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
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On Christmas Eve, my parents tried to convince me to take their giant china cabinet. My response: where would it go? It would take up half the house! Exaggeration, of course, but my house is tiny and they had enough trouble getting that giant piece of furniture into their house 25 years ago. (Seriously, people, think ahead when you buy furniture.) I did promise to eventually take the lacquered, inlaid cabinet that mom inherited from my grandma and will probably also take a couple of their beautiful wood end tables, but not until they’re ready to downsize into a retirement apartment or condo.
Mom and I also had a conversation about how I’m willing to come over and help them clear junk out of their basement now, with their input, but that I don’t want to be stuck doing it alone if they have to move suddenly because of health or old age. Of course we’ve been having this conversation for 5 years, so I’m not optimistic.
After helping to clear our grandparents’ hoards and knowing that both sets of parents have full basements, husband and I have become near-minimalists. I don’t ever want any room of my house to get to such an overwhelming point that I give up and stick my godchildren with the job.
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I taught my kids to be gracious about gifts. My sister is honest and it hurts my feelings if she doesn’t like it. Actually I hate to shop for her because of that. At 73 she won’t be changing.
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Just got a new one from my in-law: A bag full (full!!) of old matchbooks.
A happy follow up - My sister took the matchbooks to her office white elephant gift exchange. She reported that they were a surprise hit!
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my 80 YO uncle tried to buy matches this wknd, he went to 4 stores nad then the cashier at one place gave him the book out of his pocket.
it was a major mind f- for him that he could not buy matches anywhere
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my 80 YO uncle tried to buy matches this wknd, he went to 4 stores nad then the cashier at one place gave him the book out of his pocket.
it was a major mind f- for him that he could not buy matches anywhere
Dollar General carries them.
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Target sells them too.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
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And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
Exactly. And doing that has a corrosive effect on relationships; enough of that risks turning your close family into not so close family. When it's only going to hurt someone's feelings for no good reason, honesty isn't some kind of superior virtue to politeness. Some of my family members think honesty should trump politeness every time, when it's family - this is how I was raised, sadly - so I've seen the results of this in action. It's not good.
A little story: I like to cook, and I will happily spend hours cooking dinner for my friends and having them over. They are fun to hang out with and would never say something unkind about my efforts even if there's something they don't like, because they value the effort and care I put into it. In contrast, years ago I made Christmas dinner for a sibling, who ate a ton of food and said nothing about it until another day, when informing me out of the blue that "that turkey didn't taste very good"...and I expect that was honesty (sibling probably isn't a fan of turkey in general). But interpersonal actions have reactions, in a very Newtonian way, and the natural result of this kind of repeated behaviour pattern is that we are not close.
(It might sound like I overreacted to that particular comment, but it was really the straw that broke the camel's back...at the time I was in the middle of chemo treatment, exhausted all the time, and had spent a couple of my few "good" days pulling that dinner together. I still would have accepted zero positive comments on it as par for the course in my family, and felt good about my relationship-building efforts, but...getting nothing back but negativity, even under those circumstances, was a bit much. I can't have people like that in my life, except on the periphery.)
Tl;dr: just being closely related doesn't mean you can receive's someone gift with whatever honest unkindness you want without damaging your relationship on some level. The person being honest might see it as pure honesty, not intended to be cruel; the person on the other end is more likely to take away an implicit message of "you value me so little you can't even be bothered to be as polite as you'd be to a stranger." That's not the message my sibling intended to send in that story above, and I recognized that even at the time; I wasn't mad. But that's still how it feels on the receiving end.
I would say it's even more important to teach children to treat their close family with kindness and courtesy than it is to treat their more distant relatives that way. Surely these are relationships they should be taught to value, and a relationship is like a garden - both sides have to water and care for it in order for it to thrive in the long term. You don't get a free pass on that just because it's family.
(Back to the thread topic, I'm not necessarily on board with gracefully accepting hoarder-level gifting, or people ignoring your explicit gift preferences to give you something they should know you won't like - dysfunctional situations may require different responses. But the plain old "Someone got me a perfectly reasonable gift that I don't happen to like; do I say thank you or can I give them my honest reaction?" only has one correct answer in most cases - you say thank you gracefully, because you're responding to their affection for you, not to the literal nature of the gift.)
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Just got a new one from my in-law: A bag full (full!!) of old matchbooks.
A happy follow up - My sister took the matchbooks to her office white elephant gift exchange. She reported that they were a surprise hit!
Glad to hear it! I know who a woman who refuses to buy new or plastic-wrapped goods, so she buys lots of vintage matchbooks on eBay and makes sure they are shipped in reusable/compostable packaging.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
That's a lovely ideal of gift-giving, but that's not always how it works. Relatives can use gifts to send passive-aggressive messages, supplant your taste with theirs, attempt to control aspects of your life, or just demonstrate their general lack of thought and care. They turn what should be a kindness into a power play. In cases like this, it's not "lucky" to get any gift. You'd really just rather not receive gifts from this person.
All that said, though, the repaired ceramic ornaments mentioned earlier by @MayDay sound sweet and quasi-Mustachian to me, not thoughtless. They can just go on the Christmas tree without much disruption to the home. In later years the kids might treasure them more. Gramps won't be around forever, but he took the time to do something small yet special for them. His ornament-repair tradition may end up becoming one of those family stories that gets told at Christmas dinner every year.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
You are making a lot of assumptions there about the gift givers intent. My MIL deliberately gives me things that in no way, take into account who I am or things that will bring me joy. She buys things that are meant to needle at me and show how I'm not quite measuring up to her expectations or to mock me. This year I got a stuffed toy dog for Christmas because "she would rather buy gifts for grandchildren, but you won't have any".
Please explain what the hell type of gratefulness I'm supposed to have for that.
Be grateful that you know who and what she is.
Go to reddit, find JustNoMil, and read. Especially the comments, because there's gold there.
Then, using what's you've learned, protect yourself and your family from her toxicity.
And seriously, if you get a gift you don't want/need, you can do things like return it for store credit and get something you do want, or donate it.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
You are making a lot of assumptions there about the gift givers intent. My MIL deliberately gives me things that in no way, take into account who I am or things that will bring me joy. She buys things that are meant to needle at me and show how I'm not quite measuring up to her expectations or to mock me. This year I got a stuffed toy dog for Christmas because "she would rather buy gifts for grandchildren, but you won't have any".
Please explain what the hell type of gratefulness I'm supposed to have for that.
That's really awful - very mean-spirited.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
You are making a lot of assumptions there about the gift givers intent. My MIL deliberately gives me things that in no way, take into account who I am or things that will bring me joy. She buys things that are meant to needle at me and show how I'm not quite measuring up to her expectations or to mock me. This year I got a stuffed toy dog for Christmas because "she would rather buy gifts for grandchildren, but you won't have any".
Please explain what the hell type of gratefulness I'm supposed to have for that.
That's not a gift. That's a bitchy gesture. Treat it as such! Sorry you have someone like that in your life - she's sounds awful. Buy her a broomstick to sit her butt on next xmas.
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Your MIL is a terrible person! I actually don’t know anyone that acts like that.
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You are making a lot of assumptions there about the gift givers intent. My MIL deliberately gives me things that in no way, take into account who I am or things that will bring me joy. She buys things that are meant to needle at me and show how I'm not quite measuring up to her expectations or to mock me. This year I got a stuffed toy dog for Christmas because "she would rather buy gifts for grandchildren, but you won't have any".
Please explain what the hell type of gratefulness I'm supposed to have for that.
Your MIL osunds like a trifling bitch to put it plainly.
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Your MIL is a terrible person! I actually don’t know anyone that acts like that.
Quite seriously, I hope you never do.
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it sounds like MIL is a troll
dont feed the trolls
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Speaking of trolling type gifts, I did get one....once. It was a horribly awful sweater, it was turquoise blue with huge horizontal black stripes, think looking like a turquoise bumble bee. I was rather stunned. At first I was ready to say, "is this a joke?" but rallied myself and said "thank you" to the smirking relative, who was obviously expecting a reaction.
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DW and I are currently debating if our friends boyfriend is a shopaholic or a hoarder. We visited her for the holidays and after we left we got a text asking us if we left our laundry detergent. I checked and confirmed we had not and she sent us a picture of the FOUR bottles of laundry detergent, each different brands, that her bf had decided to get for her and bring over, without asking her if she needed any or what brand she uses.... Apparently he does this with food too, he'll buy random items she doesn't need and bring them over unasked, or if she does ask him to buy something, he will buy it in massive quantities. Or both(4 boxes of crackers of a type she can't eat because they have gluten).
We have never seen his apartment but they are talking about renting a 2 bedroom apartment and she has told him she won't even start moving in until he makes room for her.
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DW and I are currently debating if our friends boyfriend is a shopaholic or a hoarder. We visited her for the holidays and after we left we got a text asking us if we left our laundry detergent. I checked and confirmed we had not and she sent us a picture of the FOUR bottles of laundry detergent, each different brands, that her bf had decided to get for her and bring over, without asking her if she needed any or what brand she uses.... Apparently he does this with food too, he'll buy random items she doesn't need and bring them over unasked, or if she does ask him to buy something, he will buy it in massive quantities. Or both(4 boxes of crackers of a type she can't eat because they have gluten).
We have never seen his apartment but they are talking about renting a 2 bedroom apartment and she has told him she won't even start moving in until he makes room for her.
He sounds generous and potentially mustachian to me. He probably just buys what is on special - and 4 of if it's a really good special.
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I am currently looking at a stuffed teddy bear that's the same size as me. I can't decide if I should take it to Goodwill or try to give it away on our Buy Nothing group.
The good news is that I put some of her stuffed animal gifts in our Little Free Library and the girls down the street were thrilled to have them.
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DW and I are currently debating if our friends boyfriend is a shopaholic or a hoarder. We visited her for the holidays and after we left we got a text asking us if we left our laundry detergent. I checked and confirmed we had not and she sent us a picture of the FOUR bottles of laundry detergent, each different brands, that her bf had decided to get for her and bring over, without asking her if she needed any or what brand she uses.... Apparently he does this with food too, he'll buy random items she doesn't need and bring them over unasked, or if she does ask him to buy something, he will buy it in massive quantities. Or both(4 boxes of crackers of a type she can't eat because they have gluten).
We have never seen his apartment but they are talking about renting a 2 bedroom apartment and she has told him she won't even start moving in until he makes room for her.
He sounds generous and potentially mustachian to me. He probably just buys what is on special - and 4 of if it's a really good special.
Not likely if it's different brands at the same time.
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DW and I are currently debating if our friends boyfriend is a shopaholic or a hoarder. We visited her for the holidays and after we left we got a text asking us if we left our laundry detergent. I checked and confirmed we had not and she sent us a picture of the FOUR bottles of laundry detergent, each different brands, that her bf had decided to get for her and bring over, without asking her if she needed any or what brand she uses.... Apparently he does this with food too, he'll buy random items she doesn't need and bring them over unasked, or if she does ask him to buy something, he will buy it in massive quantities. Or both(4 boxes of crackers of a type she can't eat because they have gluten).
We have never seen his apartment but they are talking about renting a 2 bedroom apartment and she has told him she won't even start moving in until he makes room for her.
This sounds all too familiar to me and my husband is a hoarder/shopaholic. Your friend's boyfriend may not be, but her putting off moving in is a good idea.
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My in-laws live alone in their 5 bedroom house, even with their 2 kids married and moved out for close to 10 years. Currently, only 2 of the 5 bedrooms have foot access to the bed. When we visited for Christmas (we brought 7 people), they cleared a path to the bed for a 3rd bedroom. Dining room is unusable and physically blocked off. A room in the basement is dedicated to storing the original box for all purchases from the last 20 years.
One of the bedrooms is filled with suitcases, stacked on one another, where the suitcases are filled with jackets (with the price tags on them...). Do they buy the suitcases to store the jackets? Do they buy the jackets when they find an empty suitcase lying around? So many questions!
It will be an eye-opener for them when we retire before them. They make good money, and have a good pension, but continue to work -- I assume -- to support the house and clothes spending. They talk about downsizing, but they will never be able to clear the house.
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I'm of two minds. Not sure I want to encourage them to accept gracefully all the time. If rather see honestly in the immediate family. We certainly have taught graceful acceptance to less close relatives.
You've missed the point of a gift. This is something that someone thought you would like, purchased with their money, wrapped and handed to you in the hope that you would like it. Even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate the fact someone thought about you and went to some effort. That's why you accept it graciously. Not because of what it is. Ever heard the expression 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? This is what it means! Literally, when someone gifts you a horse, you don't check it's teeth to see how old it is. You just say thank you. Because someone gave you something. You're damn lucky you get gifts at all.
And fyi, it's no more acceptable to be rude and ungrateful to close family than it is to not so close family.
You are making a lot of assumptions there about the gift givers intent. My MIL deliberately gives me things that in no way, take into account who I am or things that will bring me joy. She buys things that are meant to needle at me and show how I'm not quite measuring up to her expectations or to mock me. This year I got a stuffed toy dog for Christmas because "she would rather buy gifts for grandchildren, but you won't have any".
Please explain what the hell type of gratefulness I'm supposed to have for that.
Be grateful that you know who and what she is.
Go to reddit, find JustNoMil, and read. Especially the comments, because there's gold there.
Then, using what's you've learned, protect yourself and your family from her toxicity.
And seriously, if you get a gift you don't want/need, you can do things like return it for store credit and get something you do want, or donate it.
For some reason, it seems like my wife always suggests these things when my parents give her gifts. She never would consider taking things her mom gives her back to the store...it's not clear to me that the gifts are different.
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My in-laws live alone in their 5 bedroom house, even with their 2 kids married and moved out for close to 10 years. Currently, only 2 of the 5 bedrooms have foot access to the bed. When we visited for Christmas (we brought 7 people), they cleared a path to the bed for a 3rd bedroom. Dining room is unusable and physically blocked off. A room in the basement is dedicated to storing the original box for all purchases from the last 20 years.
One of the bedrooms is filled with suitcases, stacked on one another, where the suitcases are filled with jackets (with the price tags on them...). Do they buy the suitcases to store the jackets? Do they buy the jackets when they find an empty suitcase lying around? So many questions!
It will be an eye-opener for them when we retire before them. They make good money, and have a good pension, but continue to work -- I assume -- to support the house and clothes spending. They talk about downsizing, but they will never be able to clear the house.
You have more patience than I do. I wouldn't stay amid that mess. I'd invite them elsewhere for the weekend or out for a meal and then go home. My intention would not be to limit my time with them and I'd make that clear. My intention would be to limit my time in their messy home. Maybe that would spur them to clean out. I say all this as a person whose own home is never perfect. ;)
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Had to chime in.
My mom, dad, and sister are all hoarders. Dad mostly stores scrap wood and broken tools. Mom stores snack foods, clothes, furniture, dishes, ornaments, trinkets, and god knows what else. My sister hits "going out of business" sales for crap that nobody really wants. Thousands upon thousands of dollars of furniture, lamps, collectibles, rugs, decorations, dishes, games, you name it.
For 20+ years I've been slowly training them to stop bringing us junk that we don't want and can't use, but in the last month or so leading up to Christmas, we've inherited quite a bit.
I think the toughest thing is that my sister treats my mom and dad like a free moving/storage company... despite the fact that she lives 1200+ miles away. And my parents are in their 70's and in poor health. And they've already got more junk than they know what to do with, and no room to store more (cause they're getting more themselves). So guess who it gets handed down to?
You guessed it: me, then goodwill.
I think the worst was when I received a grocery bag full of dead cell phones, chargers, cables, and floppy disks. I separate them into "trash" and "recycle" piles. And we've got a permanent pile of clothes and junk by the front door that gets taken to charity every week.
It's insane. but finally, this past Christmas I managed to keep people from giving my kids tons of useless garbage. We skip family parties for that reason.
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Does sis ship it back and forth? How does her stuff wind up at your parents' place (and then your place)?
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Does sis ship it back and forth? How does her stuff wind up at your parents' place (and then your place)?
Most of the time, she convinces them to *drive* there, and babysit and move things for her. And they do it. One time they bought a trailer hitch for my mom's Jeep, had it installed and everything, they drove up there, and ended up not even using it.
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The trip probably costs multiples of the value of the stuff that gets hauled home.
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The trip probably costs multiples of the value of the stuff that gets hauled home.
It does. She has zero concept of what things actually cost. Oh, and did I mention she's a single mom in her late 40's and unemployed? SMH.
She *did* manage to give away a large chunk of her stuff in the last move though, because my parents refused to store it or move it, she couldn't afford to store it or ship it, and she couldn't afford her house anymore. So she's now living in a vacation home in Colorado for free, courtesy of one of her sugar daddies. Still no job.
I sincerely want her to get her life in order, but watching her make multiple bad decisions is like watching a train wreck in slo-mo over 30 years. I mean, you *know* how it's going to end, you hope it doesn't, but you still know.
She's made efforts to try to turn things around recently, but darlin... after 30 years, it's going to take more than a change of heart to dig yourself out of that hole.
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What drives me crazy about getting given crap is that it's just one more thing for me to manage. I need to manage donating it or throwing it away and manage the relationship with the person giving it to me. I hate to be ungrateful, but I have things to do and can't manage more stuff!! Going to the charity drop off every week like @FunkyStickman would really piss me off, as I prefer to use my time doing other, more meaningful things. Grrr. (Can you tell that I'd been cleaning/decluttering this weekend?!?!) </rant>
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I'm still trying to get my mom to get rid of her stuff in storage, or at least reduce to one unit. Her two units cost $235/month. She's had them for about four years now, and so has spent over $11,000 in storage fees. Her payment is sometimes late by a few days, which adds a $37 late fee. I keep nudging her to put the bill on autopay, but she won't. She'd rather write a check and have us drive her over to the place so she can pay at the office (she just quit driving a couple months ago). I think she likes to chat with the manager, who treats her like his best bud. She also has an extra bedroom that stuffed with boxes of clothes and other things.
She keeps saying that "the kids", meaning her nieces and nephews, would love to have some of the things she's clinging to, but DH and I have talked to them and they're not interested. They probably express mild interest to her just to be polite.
I don't want to get mad at her and tell her most of the stuff will probably go to Goodwill after she's gone, but sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut.
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If money is tight for your mom maybe brainstorm with her what fun things she could do with the extra money once the units are gone. Also tell her you spoke with the others and no one wants the stuff. Maybe volunteer to help her get rid of it. I am in my 60’s and have gotten rid of a ton of stuff. I don’t want to burden my kids. It’s much easier and faster to clean also. Plus the more valuable items I gave to groups looking for high quality silent auction items. That felt good.
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If money is tight for your mom maybe brainstorm with her what fun things she could do with the extra money once the units are gone. Also tell her you spoke with the others and no one wants the stuff. Maybe volunteer to help her get rid of it. I am in my 60’s and have gotten rid of a ton of stuff. I don’t want to burden my kids. It’s much easier and faster to clean also. Plus the more valuable items I gave to groups looking for high quality silent auction items. That felt good.
Money isn't tight for her at all. DH and I have told her many times we'd be happy to help go through the stuff, find what she really wants to keep, and sell other things on Craigslist or haul them to Goodwill. She's nearly 90, and couldn't do that herself, but we'd love to help!
I'm hesitant to tell her that family members really don't want her stuff, partly because she doesn't listen! For example, dad bought a half-dozen "collector" dolls on QVC some years ago. You know, the ones in the glass display cases with the frilly dresses and the eyes that close when you lay them down. Mom keeps thinking that granddaughter wants them. Granddaughter, now 32, has always said no way, they're creepy! I mentioned this to mom, and she said, "Well, I'll just save them for great granddaughter so that she'll have a doll." As though the little girl will be destitute with no toys. Mom just can't believe that other people don't see value in her stuff.
She'll occasionally give something to someone, but it has to be the right person, i.e., someone she feels deserves to be honored by receiving something she's owned.
Kudos to you for sparing your kids this dilemma! We're the same way, always getting rid of things we've stopped using. Feels good to know that someone else will get more use out of it, plus it supports the thrift store business, helping to provide jobs and such.
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If money is tight for your mom maybe brainstorm with her what fun things she could do with the extra money once the units are gone. Also tell her you spoke with the others and no one wants the stuff. Maybe volunteer to help her get rid of it. I am in my 60’s and have gotten rid of a ton of stuff. I don’t want to burden my kids. It’s much easier and faster to clean also. Plus the more valuable items I gave to groups looking for high quality silent auction items. That felt good.
I'll bet the grandkids would appreciate $25 here and there to spend on whatever they do for fun...
Its got to be tough. A person is raised during an era where china sets and living rooms are important milestones in an adult life and then on the back end of that person's life the next generation values a whole different set of things - most of which appear to have no value at all (video games, social media, new clothes that look shabby at purchase time).
We have inherited two china sets. I can't remember the last time we took a peek at them.
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Maybe the granddaughter can take the dolls and then donate them. If grandma asks about it, say it's in storage for great-granddaughter someday to "protect the value"
Clever, LOL!!!
Unfortunately, granddaughter lives in Kansas. Shipping the dolls there would cost more than they're worth.
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Maybe the granddaughter can take the dolls and then donate them. If grandma asks about it, say it's in storage for great-granddaughter someday to "protect the value"
Clever, LOL!!!
Unfortunately, granddaughter lives in Kansas. Shipping the dolls there would cost more than they're worth.
Is the idea of get stuff out of the house or to get items' value out of them? Could you offer to mail them to granddaughter yourself and then you donate?
Marcela, you devil!!! LOL!!!! I could just see the look on my mom's face if we ran across one in a thrift store!
The dolls are in a storage unit, and are not valuable, there's a ton of them on ebay. I could offer to ship them to GD, and not do it, but mom might think something's up because shipping would be quite expensive with the dolls being in big, glass display cases and all (the cases are like >2 feet tall). Anyways, I really don't want to deceive my mom. She got enough deceptive crap over the years from my brother.
But if the subject comes up again with her, I'll tell her again that granddaughter does not want them. Maybe she'll eventually donate them to her social club's auction. She did do that with the Christmas-themed doll a couple years ago.
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I didn’t realize your mom was so old. At this point probably nothing you can do and deal with it once she is gone. So nice that you still have your mom:))
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I didn’t realize your mom was so old. At this point probably nothing you can do and deal with it once she is gone. So nice that you still have your mom:))
Mom has threatened to outlive us all, and she could well do so. Her health is great, I can see her living another 10 years easily. I'll be 57 this year, and know people who've died unexpectedly in their late 50s-early 60s from stroke, cancer, bad falls due to deteriorating balance and reflexes, etc. (I'm adopted and don't know anything about my birth family's longevity.)
That's a new angle I'm starting to work her with: If you outlive your family, your precious stuff may well become the property of the storage place!
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Reference points
My aunt lives out of country, but owns a couple of tiny apartments here, side by side, for investment and when she visits 4 months out of the year. She used to rent out one but had problems, so doesn't anymore. She finally emptied out her storage locker they were paying for about 5 years ago, getting rid of old crappy stuff, appliances, etc, and put everything she likes or thought was in good shape, into these two apartments. Yay! One is now used for visitors, and one for themselves. They have made it so the room areas are able to be lived in, except that all cupbords, closets, furniture are full and there are tons of disply items, knickknacks, and the "den" each has a large pile of boxed items (10+ large boxes in each).
An apartment is 350 sq.ft, 1 bedroom plus mini den. My daughter is about to rent one of the apartments for a few months per year, while going to school nearby.
Yesterday, I went to help make some room for her stuff. There was no room for food in the kitchen, and all but 2ft of counter space was filled up.
Cleaning it out and packing up the surplus, I found and put away:
approx 50 cookbooks
3 potato mashers (all very cheap, I mean, who needs 3 of these even for your home kitchen?)
Two full sets of cutlerly (of aprox 16 settings each)
20 plates 20 bowls, etc.
10 champagne glasses,
Serving ware, many sets of trays.
7 large corning ware casserole dishes
Three coffee makers, plus 3 bodum style coffee presses, plus three teapots, with cups
Two toasters
over 100 light bulbs (!)
etc.
The unit is suitable for 1-2 adults at a time. You can only fit about 4 people over for snacks / eating, etc, as it is tiny, no table, etc.
I was the first person to use the stove / oven in 10 years. This is not a kitchen that anyone cooks in.. she barely cooks in her "main" apartment and that is filled to bursting, too. The ovens were stuffed with household goods, so you could not turn them on.
I have no idea why she is keeping all of this. All I can say is that it was all very neat and tidy and organized, but pretty much useless and very hard to live with.
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Goldie, yes that’s pretty ridiculous. Who wants to live among all that clutter.
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there is a sculpture in smithsonian folk where a man wrapped thousands of lightbulbs in foil and made alters out of them.
i'm just saying, you already have 100 bulbs
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Incandescent bulbs are good for hatching chicks. And minibake ovens.
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And keeping warm while working on a car in a cold garage. And also, burns from the hot cage around that drop light...
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as a ghost light for theater stages at night ?
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And keeping warm while working on a car in a cold garage. And also, burns from the hot cage around that drop light...
Ah, the aptly named "drop light"... you not only get burned but the light breaks the first time you drop it.
So, this reminds me of something closer to the original subject. My dad started hoarding incandescent bulbs 10 or 12 years ago when they stopped being sold... he didn't like being forced into using the new "gov-mint" fluorescent bulbs (LEDs hadn't really came on the scene yet). There's still a couple cases in his garage. Luckily he hasn't offered to give me any of these.
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And keeping warm while working on a car in a cold garage. And also, burns from the hot cage around that drop light...
Ah, the aptly named "drop light"... you not only get burned but the light breaks the first time you drop it.
So, this reminds me of something closer to the original subject. My dad started hoarding incandescent bulbs 10 or 12 years ago when they stopped being sold... he didn't like being forced into using the new "gov-mint" fluorescent bulbs (LEDs hadn't really came on the scene yet). There's still a couple cases in his garage. Luckily he hasn't offered to give me any of these.
If your dad's garage is anything like my dad's, maybe you'll get lucky. He'll forget he had them in there, stack something heavy on them, and crush them 😈
Here's how things happen at my dad's house. He'll put something in a partially full cardboard box, close it, stack something heavy on it, the carboard collapses and crushes whatever is in the box. Or the heavy thing on top slides off and crashes to the floor. He's ruined a lot of decent stuff because he doesn't store it properly. He also can't bear to part with anything so this stuff just keeps accumulating. If he offers anything to me, I just take it and throw it away when I get home. It's one less thing I need to toss when he dies.
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LOL, just let everything self-destruct, then haul it away.
Unfortunately it is, and will be, a little more complicated than that with my dad. He has A LOT of stuff, but it's actually relatively organized. This is a lifetime accumulation of car hobby stuff, to include not only finished restored cars and several project cars in progress, but tools, parts, and lots of related stuff like 1000 or so die cast car models, boxes of old magazines and such. So from a hoarding perspective it's not actually that bad.
So, that doesn't sound so bad, but here's how this relates to the original topic of this thread, and where it gets tricky.
My dad decided to build/give my son (who was 7 when this started, now 9) a classic vehicle. This was decided unilaterally by him without any input from me or without any regard for my son's level of interest, or the fact that he lives 3 hours away from us.
There are several problems emerging from this. My son doesn't have any interest in this sort of thing right now (he's 9). My dad seems to expect that we would want to drive up and spend weekends just working on it, in spite of the fact that we have our own busy lives here. Dad has not made it clear whether or not he expects me to foot the bill for parts, and I'm afraid some resentment is going to develop from this. So, this is probably not going to be the cheery story of grandpa, son, and grandson spending happy afternoons wrenching on a car.
I believe that this act of giving is my dad's attempt at showing love. He has always been emotionally distant and doesn't know how to express love in other ways. So at some level I think my dad is hoping this will bring us closer, but I'm afraid it will end up driving a wedge between us instead. It's worth mentioning that besides what I've described, both my parents show very little interest in spending time with their grandkids.
So, this is sort of a version of parents trying to give us crap, only it's not crap, it's the emotional, financial, and time consuming burden associated with a well intentioned but poorly thought gift.
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LOL, just let everything self-destruct, then haul it away.
Unfortunately it is, and will be, a little more complicated than that with my dad. He has A LOT of stuff, but it's actually relatively organized. This is a lifetime accumulation of car hobby stuff, to include not only finished restored cars and several project cars in progress, but tools, parts, and lots of related stuff like 1000 or so die cast car models, boxes of old magazines and such. So from a hoarding perspective it's not actually that bad.
So, that doesn't sound so bad, but here's how this relates to the original topic of this thread, and where it gets tricky.
My dad decided to build/give my son (who was 7 when this started, now 9) a classic vehicle. This was decided unilaterally by him without any input from me or without any regard for my son's level of interest, or the fact that he lives 3 hours away from us.
There are several problems emerging from this. My son doesn't have any interest in this sort of thing right now (he's 9). My dad seems to expect that we would want to drive up and spend weekends just working on it, in spite of the fact that we have our own busy lives here. Dad has not made it clear whether or not he expects me to foot the bill for parts, and I'm afraid some resentment is going to develop from this. So, this is probably not going to be the cheery story of grandpa, son, and grandson spending happy afternoons wrenching on a car.
I believe that this act of giving is my dad's attempt at showing love. He has always been emotionally distant and doesn't know how to express love in other ways. So at some level I think my dad is hoping this will bring us closer, but I'm afraid it will end up driving a wedge between us instead. It's worth mentioning that besides what I've described, both my parents show very little interest in spending time with their grandkids.
So, this is sort of a version of parents trying to give us crap, only it's not crap, it's the emotional, financial, and time consuming burden associated with a well intentioned but poorly thought gift.
😀 That's pretty much the plan. When he croaks, we're renting a dumpster. I think a solid 80% of what he has kept around is garbage or has turned into garbage because of neglect. My old man is pathologically disorganized.
That's pretty presumptuous of your dad to think you and your son want an old car as much as he does. Especially if you are hanging around this group of people. I actually do find cars interesting, but I also know they are expensive, complicated, fragile, and hard on the planet. It's even more true for old cars. That keeps me from wanting to own anymore than I already do. Having a classic car is just a frivolous and expensive expression of nostalgia. Does he expect your grandson to be nostalgic for the same things he is nostalgic for?
If he wants to work on it and keep it at his place when it's done, I wouldn't worry about it too much. If he wants you to take it home, store it, maintain it, and insure it, that's a completely different story.
I hope you can get this resolved without drama.
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LOL, just let everything self-destruct, then haul it away.
Unfortunately it is, and will be, a little more complicated than that with my dad. He has A LOT of stuff, but it's actually relatively organized. This is a lifetime accumulation of car hobby stuff, to include not only finished restored cars and several project cars in progress, but tools, parts, and lots of related stuff like 1000 or so die cast car models, boxes of old magazines and such. So from a hoarding perspective it's not actually that bad.
So, that doesn't sound so bad, but here's how this relates to the original topic of this thread, and where it gets tricky.
My dad decided to build/give my son (who was 7 when this started, now 9) a classic vehicle. This was decided unilaterally by him without any input from me or without any regard for my son's level of interest, or the fact that he lives 3 hours away from us.
There are several problems emerging from this. My son doesn't have any interest in this sort of thing right now (he's 9). My dad seems to expect that we would want to drive up and spend weekends just working on it, in spite of the fact that we have our own busy lives here. Dad has not made it clear whether or not he expects me to foot the bill for parts, and I'm afraid some resentment is going to develop from this. So, this is probably not going to be the cheery story of grandpa, son, and grandson spending happy afternoons wrenching on a car.
I believe that this act of giving is my dad's attempt at showing love. He has always been emotionally distant and doesn't know how to express love in other ways. So at some level I think my dad is hoping this will bring us closer, but I'm afraid it will end up driving a wedge between us instead. It's worth mentioning that besides what I've described, both my parents show very little interest in spending time with their grandkids.
So, this is sort of a version of parents trying to give us crap, only it's not crap, it's the emotional, financial, and time consuming burden associated with a well intentioned but poorly thought gift.
Your Dad probably wants to teach his grandson some stuff. Like how to use a wrench properly. How to check the oil. These are actually valuable skills. It's likely more that he wants to transfer skills than actually giving him a car. Also, although you dad likes to rebuild cars, he really has no useful purpose for doing so. This "car for my grandson" project gives him that sense of purpose. People need a sense of purpose. It's really, really important for our mental health.
My advice is that you let him do this with his grandson in very small doses maybe once every 3-6 months. Just explain to your Dad "Junior loves you, and he wants to hang out with you, but he's 9. You probably don't remember how useless I was when I was 9 . . . his attention span is only like 10 minutes right now. Are you willing to show him how to do some important car stuff in very, very small doses? Please realize you'll be doing most of the car restoration work yourself when he is not there, because we live too far way, and he's 9, but it is a really thoughtful idea you have."
My own kids learned how to play the card game bridge to appease grandparents. I assure you the only time they play bridge is when we are visiting them. It's certainly not a useful modern skill, none of their friends play, and they show absolutely no interest in it when we are not there. We had to do it in teeny tiny doses over many years. Kids would complain in the morning we were heading over there "Are we going to have to play bridge with Gramps all day? <Groans> Ugh! That is SOOOO BORING" But, they learned other things during those hands of bridge: good sportsmanship, polite game manners, collaborating with a partner, calculating risk, etc. I never made them do it all day . . . a little while tell I could see they were getting done, then I'd suggest we do something else. And you know what? My son is in college now, and the ONLY photo he bothered to take out and put up in his room is one of him hugging his grandpa, the one who taught him to play bridge. "Gramps is a pretty cool guy" he'll say.
So go visit your Dad a couple times a year. On the drive there clearly tell your son "Grandpa is going to want to show you some car stuff in the garage for a bit, so make sure you are nice to him and learn what you can." If he pisses and moans (and he might), just say "listen, we only see him a few times a year, and you should do your best to be really nice to him. I'll come out and rescue you so you are not trapped out there forever. I appreciate you trying to do your best." Then you also need to prep your Dad each time to keep the sessions short, and make sure he understands that you can't contribute financially to the project, but that you are very grateful he is showing his grandson how to do a few important things. Good luck with it!
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LOL, just let everything self-destruct, then haul it away.
Unfortunately it is, and will be, a little more complicated than that with my dad. He has A LOT of stuff, but it's actually relatively organized. This is a lifetime accumulation of car hobby stuff, to include not only finished restored cars and several project cars in progress, but tools, parts, and lots of related stuff like 1000 or so die cast car models, boxes of old magazines and such. So from a hoarding perspective it's not actually that bad.
So, that doesn't sound so bad, but here's how this relates to the original topic of this thread, and where it gets tricky.
My dad decided to build/give my son (who was 7 when this started, now 9) a classic vehicle. This was decided unilaterally by him without any input from me or without any regard for my son's level of interest, or the fact that he lives 3 hours away from us.
There are several problems emerging from this. My son doesn't have any interest in this sort of thing right now (he's 9). My dad seems to expect that we would want to drive up and spend weekends just working on it, in spite of the fact that we have our own busy lives here. Dad has not made it clear whether or not he expects me to foot the bill for parts, and I'm afraid some resentment is going to develop from this. So, this is probably not going to be the cheery story of grandpa, son, and grandson spending happy afternoons wrenching on a car.
I believe that this act of giving is my dad's attempt at showing love. He has always been emotionally distant and doesn't know how to express love in other ways. So at some level I think my dad is hoping this will bring us closer, but I'm afraid it will end up driving a wedge between us instead. It's worth mentioning that besides what I've described, both my parents show very little interest in spending time with their grandkids.
So, this is sort of a version of parents trying to give us crap, only it's not crap, it's the emotional, financial, and time consuming burden associated with a well intentioned but poorly thought gift.
Your Dad probably wants to teach his grandson some stuff. Like how to use a wrench properly. How to check the oil. These are actually valuable skills. It's likely more that he wants to transfer skills than actually giving him a car. Also, although you dad likes to rebuild cars, he really has no useful purpose for doing so. This "car for my grandson" project gives him that sense of purpose. People need a sense of purpose. It's really, really important for our mental health.
My advice is that you let him do this with his grandson in very small doses maybe once every 3-6 months. Just explain to your Dad "Junior loves you, and he wants to hang out with you, but he's 9. You probably don't remember how useless I was when I was 9 . . . his attention span is only like 10 minutes right now. Are you willing to show him how to do some important car stuff in very, very small doses? Please realize you'll be doing most of the car restoration work yourself when he is not there, because we live too far way, and he's 9, but it is a really thoughtful idea you have."
My own kids learned how to play the card game bridge to appease grandparents. I assure you the only time they play bridge is when we are visiting them. It's certainly not a useful modern skill, none of their friends play, and they show absolutely no interest in it when we are not there. We had to do it in teeny tiny doses over many years. Kids would complain in the morning we were heading over there "Are we going to have to play bridge with Gramps all day? <Groans> Ugh! That is SOOOO BORING" But, they learned other things during those hands of bridge: good sportsmanship, polite game manners, collaborating with a partner, calculating risk, etc. I never made them do it all day . . . a little while tell I could see they were getting done, then I'd suggest we do something else. And you know what? My son is in college now, and the ONLY photo he bothered to take out and put up in his room is one of him hugging his grandpa, the one who taught him to play bridge. "Gramps is a pretty cool guy" he'll say.
So go visit your Dad a couple times a year. On the drive there clearly tell your son "Grandpa is going to want to show you some car stuff in the garage for a bit, so make sure you are nice to him and learn what you can." If he pisses and moans (and he might), just say "listen, we only see him a few times a year, and you should do your best to be really nice to him. I'll come out and rescue you so you are not trapped out there forever. I appreciate you trying to do your best." Then you also need to prep your Dad each time to keep the sessions short, and make sure he understands that you can't contribute financially to the project, but that you are very grateful he is showing his grandson how to do a few important things. Good luck with it!
That is so cool that your kids know how to play bridge.
If they were just a titch older they could lead a salon revival and play bridge, smoke cigars, drink highballs.
The bridge gig may come in handy at some point in their lives.
I say that because my own card playing skill doesn’t go beyond Spades.
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That's pretty presumptuous of your dad to think you and your son want an old car as much as he does. Especially if you are hanging around this group of people. I actually do find cars interesting, but I also know they are expensive, complicated, fragile, and hard on the planet. It's even more true for old cars. That keeps me from wanting to own anymore than I already do. Having a classic car is just a frivolous and expensive expression of nostalgia. Does he expect your grandson to be nostalgic for the same things he is nostalgic for?
I don't think it's presumptuous, per se. To be fair, I like cars too, in fact I liked working on them quite a lot during high school/college age. That interest has diminished a lot, to be replaced by many other fulfilling, yet lower maintenance activities. I'm not currently spending my time working on a project car but I'm not ruling out that I won't want to sometime in the future. Hell, I generally put more miles on my bike than a car. The two classic cars I have are rarely driven. Dad just assumes that I continue to be a level 10 car guy like him along with extrapolating that to my son. So he does expect my son to have some type of nostalgia for them.
Deep down Dad wants to relate with us and cars are the only way he knows how to do it. But that's hard do with the limited time we have and want to spend at the grandparent's house. You might think that grandpa (and grandma) would want to travel to us to visit (they are retired without much else on their schedule, and live 3 hours away). But for reasons we don't fully understand they make virtually no effort to come visit us. This may actually be the source of what bothers me so much about the project car.
Your Dad probably wants to teach his grandson some stuff. Like how to use a wrench properly. How to check the oil. These are actually valuable skills. It's likely more that he wants to transfer skills than actually giving him a car. Also, although you dad likes to rebuild cars, he really has no useful purpose for doing so. This "car for my grandson" project gives him that sense of purpose. People need a sense of purpose. It's really, really important for our mental health.
My advice is that you let him do this with his grandson in very small doses maybe once every 3-6 months. Just explain to your Dad "Junior loves you, and he wants to hang out with you, but he's 9. You probably don't remember how useless I was when I was 9 . . . his attention span is only like 10 minutes right now. Are you willing to show him how to do some important car stuff in very, very small doses? Please realize you'll be doing most of the car restoration work yourself when he is not there, because we live too far way, and he's 9, but it is a really thoughtful idea you have."
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So go visit your Dad a couple times a year. On the drive there clearly tell your son "Grandpa is going to want to show you some car stuff in the garage for a bit, so make sure you are nice to him and learn what you can." If he pisses and moans (and he might), just say "listen, we only see him a few times a year, and you should do your best to be really nice to him. I'll come out and rescue you so you are not trapped out there forever. I appreciate you trying to do your best." Then you also need to prep your Dad each time to keep the sessions short, and make sure he understands that you can't contribute financially to the project, but that you are very grateful he is showing his grandson how to do a few important things. Good luck with it!
Zamboni, this is very good advice. Activities of short duration would be much more effective for Grandpa/Grandson bonding. While the thing as a whole is overwhelming, there are many small aspects of a car project that could be worked this way. Tell my dad to just forget about the car as a whole for now and emphasize what they can do together right here and now.
Your comment about Dad doing this project to get a sense of purpose is interesting. I hadn't thought about it that way. I can see how that might make this one different from his other projects. "This one is for my grandson."
If he wants to work on it and keep it at his place when it's done, I wouldn't worry about it too much. If he wants you to take it home, store it, maintain it, and insure it, that's a completely different story.
Yep, this is something I need to make sure my dad understands. While I could make room for another car, caring for another one is NOT how I want to spend my time. Old cars take a nontrivial amount of care and feeding, which is why mine are essentially "mothballed" right now. Therefore, I need to make it clear to my dad that this one needs to remain in his care for now.
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Deep down Dad wants to relate with us and cars are the only way he knows how to do it. But that's hard do with the limited time we have and want to spend at the grandparent's house. You might think that grandpa (and grandma) would want to travel to us to visit (they are retired without much else on their schedule, and live 3 hours away). But for reasons we don't fully understand they make virtually no effort to come visit us. This may actually be the source of what bothers me so much about the project car.
When I was a young adult we traveled to the parents, both sets. My consolation for all the driving was that when I was old my kid would do the driving to see me. Nope, I am old and I am still doing the driving. Apparently there are 2 types of people in this world, those who drive to see relatives and those who expect relatives to drive to see them. Sadly, you and I are both in the first group.
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Unless it is a muscle car or sports car, you might actually be relieved to have a car gifted to you when your son turns 15.5. Because your son is gonna want to drive. . . .I agree that trying to get your Dad to understand he has to hang onto it until then is a good idea.
Also, my parents never come to me. They have each visited me one time in the past 25+ years. So you've got lots of company there. It used to hurt my feelings. Now I've come to the realization that they are just terrible at making trips. My Mom almost never travels farther than she can go and back within the same day. My Dad doesn't really drive anymore, and he has enough issues with needing to use the bathroom a lot that I'm sure traveling by plane doesn't excite him. The one trip he did make to see me was by Amtrak train, and he had a pretty bad experience with it. Doesn't excuse why they were so lazy about it when they were younger, but I've forgiven them and gotten over it. They don't go visit my brother either, and he has expressed super annoyance about it.
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Also, my parents never come to me. They have each visited me one time in the past 25+ years. So you've got lots of company there. It used to hurt my feelings. Now I've come to the realization that they are just terrible at making trips. My Mom almost never travels farther than she can go and back within the same day. My Dad doesn't really drive anymore, and he has enough issues with needing to use the bathroom a lot that I'm sure traveling by plane doesn't excite him. The one trip he did make to see me was by Amtrak train, and he had a pretty bad experience with it. Doesn't excuse why they were so lazy about it when they were younger, but I've forgiven them and gotten over it. They don't go visit my brother either, and he has expressed super annoyance about it.
I'm relieved to hear that it's not just me. My wife's mom and dad are the polar opposite of my parents. They live farther away, but come at least a couple times a year. I also have an aunt who is very grandmotherly and treats my kids like her own grandkids. Perhaps they unrealistically primed my expectations of my own parents. My parents tend to distance themselves, even from relatives who live in the same town. There's a little bit of black sheep complex going on there.
When I was a young adult we traveled to the parents, both sets. My consolation for all the driving was that when I was old my kid would do the driving to see me. Nope, I am old and I am still doing the driving. Apparently there are 2 types of people in this world, those who drive to see relatives and those who expect relatives to drive to see them. Sadly, you and I are both in the first group.
I thought the same way. I put in the effort to bring my kids to my parents' house to visit, so it's reasonable to expect them to put in a little effort, too, right? I guess not. It feels more like I'm investing much effort into a relationship, with no reciprocation.
One-sided relationships are tiring.
They're getting a little old now, so I'll cut them some slack. But they also make several trips back and forth each year to their winter home, 8 hours each way. Adjusting their route to stop at my house on their way would add about 2 hours driving time; in fact it breaks to trip into two, easier, shorter driving days. They have done this a couple times, but more often than not, my dad makes excuses why they can't stop by.
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They're getting a little old now, so I'll cut them some slack. But they also make several trips back and forth each year to their winter home, 8 hours each way. Adjusting their route to stop at my house on their way would add about 2 hours driving time; in fact it breaks to trip into two, easier, shorter driving days. They have done this a couple times, but more often than not, my dad makes excuses why they can't stop by.
If they can do the 8 hour drive they could certainly do 2 6 hour drives. Is your Dad the type of traveler who is fixated on getting to the destination, and not stopping to visit places of interest on the way?
And how old is getting a little old? I'm 71 and still doing the 500 km drive to DD's.
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My mom and dad are 67 and 70, respectively. Dad has some problems with his knee where he doesn't like to be driving for long periods of time. He is a bit destination-focused; he gets a little tunnel-visioned with his travel habits, not unlike other aspects of his life. Like stopping at the exact same gas stations and restaurants (and ordering the same dish) every time he travels a particular route. He is definitely a man set in his ways!
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
I wonder how she'd respond if you consistently said "I don't know; I threw it away."
My mom buys a lot of worthless junk. After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can find a way to meet their needs and yours?
Fast forward 5 years and my mom now has dementia. She no longer has access to her money so she can't really buy junk anymore, but she still has A LOT of stuff. A few years ago, a senior center near my house burned down displacing all the old residents. At the time, I was able to take a lot of stuff that she no longer used and tell her how helpful it would be for the seniors. Giving her things to someone that wanted it helped her part with it. I still use it as an excuse to take a few things out of her house every week. As long as she thinks "her precious" items will be appreciated, she's happy to let them go. She has never asked about any of them again, but every once in a while I'll send a picture of someone using her items and thanking her (but almost everything went to goodwill).
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
I wonder how she'd respond if you consistently said "I don't know; I threw it away."
My mom buys a lot of worthless junk. After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can find a way to meet their needs and yours?
Fast forward 5 years and my mom now has dementia. She no longer has access to her money so she can't really buy junk anymore, but she still has A LOT of stuff. A few years ago, a senior center near my house burned down displacing all the old residents. At the time, I was able to take a lot of stuff that she no longer used and tell her how helpful it would be for the seniors. Giving her things to someone that wanted it helped her part with it. I still use it as an excuse to take a few things out of her house every week. As long as she thinks "her precious" items will be appreciated, she's happy to let them go. She has never asked about any of them again, but every once in a while I'll send a picture of someone using her items and thanking her (but almost everything went to goodwill).
Very kind and thoughtful of you, looking after your mother like that.
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The worst is when she asks about every single piece that was in the box on our weekly phone call. Sigh.
I wonder how she'd respond if you consistently said "I don't know; I threw it away."
My mom buys a lot of worthless junk. After years of watching, I realize now that she is just desperate to make her children happy and she is over the moon when she receives a kind word from any one of us. She wants us to appreciate her/her thoughtfulness/her vision? She absolutely beams when she is praised for either buying something we appreciate, cooking or baking something we like, or performing a task that we are grateful for.
Now that I know this, I am much more giving with praise than I used to be. I also ask for very specific items for holidays if she insists on giving presents. I also let her perform tasks for me such as staying at my place and waiting for a service tech to show up. These things make her happy and I just have to find a way to try to balance things out (usually by taking on some of the tasks that she can no longer do for herself, or paying for certain things that make her life easier).
Is it possible that your parents are trying in some way to make you happy? Can find a way to meet their needs and yours?
Fast forward 5 years and my mom now has dementia. She no longer has access to her money so she can't really buy junk anymore, but she still has A LOT of stuff. A few years ago, a senior center near my house burned down displacing all the old residents. At the time, I was able to take a lot of stuff that she no longer used and tell her how helpful it would be for the seniors. Giving her things to someone that wanted it helped her part with it. I still use it as an excuse to take a few things out of her house every week. As long as she thinks "her precious" items will be appreciated, she's happy to let them go. She has never asked about any of them again, but every once in a while I'll send a picture of someone using her items and thanking her (but almost everything went to goodwill).
Very kind and thoughtful of you, looking after your mother like that.
Thanks! I never feel as if it's enough, so I spend a lot of time crying with guilt. It feels really good to hear someone say that I'm doing good. Thank you!
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@BlueHouse, you are doing a really good job with your Mom. Please remember that on the bad days.
I have a conundrum with my Mom. She is in her 80's and definitely in the early stages of dementia in that she can't seem to hold any new information in her head anymore. This results in her telling the same story or asking the same question over and over. She gets very defensive and angry whenever anyone mentions that she just told the same story an hour ago, so I endeavor to patiently listen, because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Where it relates to the hoard and crap and other dumb stuff:
tldr short version:
She has a very old signed photo of a long-dead, semi-famous relative whom my Dad was named after. She won't give it back to my Dad (they are divorced), or to my brother who has a son named after the same guy (because kid is adopted and in her words not a "blood relative"). She repeatedly asks me if my kids want it. Well, my kids aren't collectors of historic photos, and they aren't named after the guy, so I doubt it, but lately I just say she can send it to me if she wants and I will give it to them. But that's never a good enough reply, so she never sends it. She has asked me about this, no joke, at least 20 times, including our last three consecutive conversations. Ugh!
Long version
My parents divorced when I was in college. My Dad ended up moving out as my Mom wanted to stay in the house. She has always been a hoarder of select items ("perfectly good" jars, newspapers and magazines, books/records/other media, everything anyone ever gave her, etc.) Of course some of what was left in the house was my Dad's stuff that was squirreled away and forgotten. I doubt he could even find most of his stuff because it was buried in her hoard!
Her house got really, really bad. Thankfully about a decade ago she spent 1-2 years sifting through the hoard picking out what to keep when she decided to move closer to my brother. She tried to get me to take a lot of it and I did accept a few things, like some blankets, a few records, and a little glassware. But, most of the time I just held up my hands and claimed to be a minimalist. And I am a minimalist in the sense that I don't want someone giving me 40+ years of magazines they saved due to having half a dozen subscriptions, for example.
I'm not exaggerating how long her digging out of it took . . . and I'm actually proud of her for managing it. She was already long retired and not in the greatest shape. The process of she and her sisters having to figure out what to do with their own late parents' stuff probably spurred her on (some of it ended up in her hoard, of course). I'm convinced the only reason she ever made it out was that there were a few "nice young men" down the street who were always willing to take things off her hands and she felt like she was doing them a favor. So they cleared out her stuff in huge batches and sold what they could and took the rest to the dump, which was a tremendous WIN for the rest of us!
Most of my Dad's unearthed stuff went to the guys down the street . . . she would make a point of telling me. She never offered any of it to him even though they lived in the same town and he still helped her with things like pet sitting. Okay, I get it, she had old deep wounds and didn't want to do anything nice for her ex- including returning his property that she had buried. Hang onto the grudge forever, I guess.
But, weirdly she still has kept a few of his things that she found in the 2 years of sifting through because she carefully and selectively moved them to her new home. Why? Are they especially beautiful objects d'art? Does she want or need these things for some practical reason? Nope and nope: it's because she perceives they are especially valuable.
One of the items is a signed photograph of an American politician from 200 years ago that my Dad was named after (because he's related to him.) Like almost all of those photos, it's basically a photo of an ugly scowling white guy dressed in fancy threads. The politician is semi-famous, but never ran for President, so we're not talking about George Washington or Abe Lincoln or Thomas Jefferson, right? Unless you are a lawyer or a historian or involved in US Supreme Court precedent, you've probably never heard of the guy. Let's be blunt: my Mom had never heard of this guy until the photograph ended up in her possession.
So this photo has been in my Dad's family for centuries and it was given to my Dad due to his name and relationship to the guy. My Mom kept it specifically because she perceives that it is valuable. And maybe it is slightly valuable? She keeps talking about taking it on Antiques Road Show and honestly I don't care, Mom, do whatever makes you happy. But, besides her Antiques Road Show aspirations, she seems hell bent to make sure it goes "to the right person." It has to stay in the "bloodline" according to her.
So why, exactly, does she still have it then? After all, she's not in the "bloodline." At no point has she offered this item to my Dad, mostly because she's totally irrational and a mean old asshole, to be blunt. At no point has she offered it to my brother, who lives literally a mile from her now and has a KID named after this guy (really my nephew is named after my Dad . . . but he has the same name as this guy, and it's a fairly unusual name.) Why not? I certainly suggested that like the first 15 times she brought it up over the past decade. Well, according to her, that kid is not a "blood relative" and it has to go to a "blood relative." *facepalm*
So now she keeps asking me if my kids want it. I always respond that I'm not sure, but that I will be sure to give it to them since she wants to keep it in the family. Lately she's mentioned that if my kids don't want it she needs to mail it to one of my Dad's siblings. Okay, good idea, go ahead! But then she never does that. Instead she just brings it up again in the next conversation, and lately it's definitely as if we never had the previous conversations. I'm trying to be patient, but I've kind of had it with this whole "bloodline" bullshit, and it's taking every ounce of my reserve and diplomacy skills.
Shaking my head on so many levels.
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Thanks @Zamboni .
The only advice I can give is to instruct every single person that is ever offered ANYTHING from your mom that isn't completely functional to her NOW, needs to say "YES! I would love to have it. Thank you so much", take it, and then offer it up to anyone else in the family before donating or trashing it.
As for the photo, I took bags and bags and bags (seriously, 3 Ikea bags full of old photos) and boxes of old cards and letters and digitized all of them and put them on a digital frame (and gifted all my siblings with the same digital frame so we can share photos over wifi networks). For photos, they are better preserved as digital files, so I had almost no second thoughts on trashing the originals after digitizing them. There were a few very old family photos that I sent the originals to my cousins -- they're a bit more "family oriented" than my fam is. For yours, why not just say "yes, we want it" and then find out who your dad wants to send it to?
My mom just wants to know her things are appreciated and is very kind and giving. But her mother was kind of mean and spiteful. She made sure to give things away to strangers rather than give them to anybody who had ever expressed interest. I've mentioned on another thread that I have and use some of her water goblets. It's because she had a beautiful set of 12 and gave 6 away to a cleaning lady. I got the other 6 and it was actually better because if I had had all 12, I might have felt an obligation to protect them. Instead, I've used them daily and I really don't care when one breaks. I have 3 left and can honestly say I've had way more enjoyment out of them than she ever did.
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^Your digital photo frame idea is a nice one. Maybe someday I'll actually RE and want to spend time doing something like that. I do have a big pile of photos and it sounds fun.
You are right. Next time she mentions it I will enthusiastically accept it and tell her that I told my son about it and he thought it sounded cool. Maybe that will work? Then eventually I'll give it to my nephew unless my son really does want it (close to 0% chance.) Can't transfer it again before she dies, though, or she will find out and who knows how she will react?
People are so weird.
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... and who knows how she will react?
People are so weird.
oh, yeah! And with dementia in the picture, the more they start losing the memory, the easier it is to start distrusting people. Good luck. It's a tough journey.
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One of the items is a signed photograph of an American politician from 200 years ago that my Dad was named after (because he's related to him.) Like almost all of those photos, it's basically a photo of an ugly scowling white guy dressed in fancy threads. The politician is semi-famous, but never ran for President, so we're not talking about George Washington or Abe Lincoln or Thomas Jefferson, right? Unless you are a lawyer or a historian or involved in US Supreme Court precedent, you've probably never heard of the guy. Let's be blunt: my Mom had never heard of this guy until the photograph ended up in her possession.
So this photo has been in my Dad's family for centuries and it was given to my Dad due to his name and relationship to the guy. My Mom kept it specifically because she perceives that it is valuable. And maybe it is slightly valuable? She keeps talking about taking it on Antiques Road Show and honestly I don't care, Mom, do whatever makes you happy. But, besides her Antiques Road Show aspirations, she seems hell bent to make sure it goes "to the right person." It has to stay in the "bloodline" according to her.
If she's got a photograph that's two centuries old or older it's value is quite large -- because the first known photography taken was in 1826, less than 200 years ago...
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^Okay, wow, yes, too funny, I was estimating 2 centuries.
So just looked up the dates this guy lived and this photograph was taken within the first two decades that photography existed. Like I said, he is semi-famous, and apparently getting scowly portraits done was all the rage with the DC cool kids soon after photography was invented. That or he just had enough clout and dough to have multiple different photos taken of his old self. There seem to be quite a few paintings and drawings of him when he was younger as well.
And it's SIGNED. OOOOOH. *eyeroll* This is all probably why my Mom thinks this thing is some great treasure that she shall bestow upon only the "worthy". I just wish she would get on with it and stop asking me about it.
Honestly I've never been able to compute most of what goes through my Mom's brain, and that was before she started showing clear signs of dementia. She continually carries on about where this one random old photograph will go instead of thinking about who would take care of her many dogs and cats if something happened to her. It's just bizarre.
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^Okay, wow, yes, too funny, I was estimating 2 centuries.
So just looked up the dates this guy lived and this photograph was taken within the first two decades that photography existed. Like I said, he is semi-famous, and apparently getting scowly portraits done was all the rage with the DC cool kids soon after photography was invented. That or he just had enough clout and dough to have multiple different photos taken of his old self. There seem to be quite a few paintings and drawings of him when he was younger as well.
And it's SIGNED. OOOOOH. *eyeroll* This is all probably why my Mom thinks this thing is some great treasure that she shall bestow upon only the "worthy". I just wish she would get on with it and stop asking me about it.
Honestly I've never been able to compute most of what goes through my Mom's brain, and that was before she started showing clear signs of dementia. She continually carries on about where this one random old photograph will go instead of thinking about who would take care of her many dogs and cats if something happened to her. It's just bizarre.
Your story reminds me of my dad. He insists my uncle, his older brother, has a Stradivarius violin and that I need to figure out how to get it after my uncle passes away. It is probably a factory made violin that had the Stradivarius name slapped on it.
A few years ago, my parents took a road trip and my dad told me that if they died on the road, the lottery tickets he bought were in his desk in the basement. Thanks dad. Of course my first thought after learning that you and mom died is "where are dad's losing lottery tickets" .
It's sad watching your parent deteriorate physically and mentally as they age. They torment themselves worrying about possessions that don't matter.
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^Do you at least play violin?
Too funny about your Dad. Hopefully he keeps his actual will and wishes for his final remains in the same desk in the basement.
My Mom buys lottery tickets religiously. . . I'll have to remember to tell my brother to "wait, before you do anything else, check the lucky numbers on the ticket in her wallet!" when she finally goes to meet her maker. She did at one point make sure I knew that she puts them in her wallet every week (replacing the old loser with the new loser, although I refrained from making that joke.)
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^Do you at least play violin?
Too funny about your Dad. Hopefully he keeps his actual will and wishes for his final remains in the same desk in the basement.
My Mom buys lottery tickets religiously. . . I'll have to remember to tell my brother to "wait, before you do anything else, check the lucky numbers on the ticket in her wallet!" when she finally goes to meet her maker. She did at one point make sure I knew that she puts them in her wallet every week (replacing the old loser with the new loser, although I refrained from making that joke.)
I do not. I actually have a music degree and knew how to play several instruments at one point, but violin was not one of them. My dad has a 60 year old accordion and clarinet in his attic too. Those things are completely thrashed from being frozen and baked for about 20 years, but he can't bear to part with them.
I have no idea where my parents keep their will. I have a rough idea of what assets they have and where they are kept, but it's going to be a mess finding paperwork and getting everything untangled. My parents probably aren't actual hoarders, but they are patholigically disorganized. They don't have any filing cabinets. Everything just gets stuffed in a drawer or closet whether it is something that is worth keeping or junk. I don't think they can't tell the difference. When the time does come to sort through everything, I'm going to be busy for a few weeks.
I'm glad to see your mom has her priorities straight too. Best of luck cashing in on that sweet lotto moolah 😄
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Maybe an "Organization Day" could be a birthday or Xmas present to them? Combined with a fun lunch or dinner out as a reward.
I know dealing with hoarders is hard but sometimes even a small clear-out can give them momentum. And I have no qualms about promising to take their their sad, worn-out "treasures" to charity and then chucking it in the trash after you get home. If they're not dealing with reality then you have to be their rational brains for them.
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OMG how have i missed this thread.
last time i visited my folks they showed me their three, 3 storage units, filled to the ceiling with stuff that my folks think has value, but will never sell. Its like they see something that is trash but once was useful and nice and say hey i need that i can do x,y,z with it.
they give me stuff all the time that i dont want or for the kids that they dont need.
i tried to explain to them once that if the value of the things in the sheds isnt more than what you have paid to store the stuff then its costing you money. in one ear and out the other.
its like some magical savings account of stuff that just needs a buyer.
they cant park in their garage as its full of stuff thats rotting and being eaten by mice.
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I have helped a near-hoarder (not quite full-on, but definitely a child of the depression...), and what I did was this:
I got permission (grudging...) to work on the toolshed. I spent a day or two every time I was visiting cleaning out the toolshed. I swept, neatly placed the trash (and near-trash) on a table, and re-organized the other stuff in a way that genuinely made it easier to find things. (I put all the nails together, neatly stacked on a shelf, with the labels showing, for instance.).
After a few hours of work, I'd invite the owner to come inspect my pile of proposed garbage and approve things I suggested throwing out, or tell me to put them back away (which I did). In any case, the place was easier to use each time I worked on it.
I also found a charity she approved of, and encouraged sending duplicate (or triplicate...) items there, so someone else could get some use out of them. I generally drove a packed car over to the charity's drop-off, but the one time they were closed I sure did drop them off at Goodwill -- there was no way I was taking that stuff back to the house.
The things that help me: she didn't and doesn't have dementia. She clearly (even to herself) has many times more stuff than she needs, and it's impairing her use of the house. I started with stuff that was easy (we did the Tupperwares one day: it's pretty easy to let go of bottoms that don't have tops, and vice-versa. Then, if you stack what's left, it's easy to see that you don't need a dozen of anything...) and moved to things that were slightly harder (hello 50 dull knives in one drawer). I was super-careful that things were easier to see and find -- and cleaner -- when I was finished.
It's definitely an act of love to do this for someone, so YMMV.
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jeninco,
That's impressive. Are you finished with the clean-up or is it an ongoing project?
Also it helps if the semi-hoarder isn't continuing to shop and drag more stuff into the house - has this been true? Or are they glad to see the new organized space and grateful for your help?
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jeninco,
That's impressive. Are you finished with the clean-up or is it an ongoing project?
Hahahahaha. "Finished"? Hahahah
Also it helps if the semi-hoarder isn't continuing to shop and drag more stuff into the house - has this been true? Or are they glad to see the new organized space and grateful for your help?
I think she's still bringing some stuff in, but actually not much.
And there's definitely more going out than coming in, and as we encourage her (both when we're there and when we talk on the phone) she's letting go of more and more, at least of certain types of stuff. My next trip, I'm hoping to release some "extra" furniture into the wild... Then we'll go back to work on one of her ... whole bunch of closets, most of which are crammed with stuff that hasn't been worn in a few decades.
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^Hopefully the clothes will go pretty quickly. I found that Marie Kondo's ideas about thanking clothes for their service was really helpful in letting them go. Even "thank you for making me happy in the store" works for the few things I bought and never really wore.
I haven't seen my Mom's house since before the pandemic began, and my brother just reminded me that our Mom hoards rocks. Not gemstones or specific minerals, but rocks she finds on the ground. Everything from the size of the palm of your hand up to the the size of the rock in Parasite, if you've seen that movie, that she can barely lift. Most are pretty good sized, though, so like 10-15 pound rocks the size of a melon, but not round (she highly prefers jagged rocks from what I can see).
She's always done that: picked up rocks along hikes or just while she's out doing shopping if she happens to see a rock she likes on the ground by where she parked. My brother says she really picked up the pace during the pandemic and now has hundreds of new large rocks in her yard. She actually gives people one of her rocks as gifts sometimes, so each of my kids have rocks she gave them (heavy ones that I had to haul home on flights.)
At least she has free fun with it, right?
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As a newbie on this site, I read the first and last pages of this thread and saw some resemblances to both people I know and myself! I'm looking at selling and moving out of a house I've owned for about a dozen years and am already struggling to get rid of stuff that came with me here but I've never used.
Something that's helped a little bit is some wisdom I got out of a book by a truck driver who does relocation moves. (The Long Haul by Finn Murphy; a good quick read if you're into that kind of thing.)
Basically he said almost everything anybody owns is trash and destined for the landfill. Modern furniture is too crappy to be worth moving in most cases, for example. And what he said about stuff with "sentimental value" really made sense to me: in two generations at most, it will all be in a dumpster on the way to the landfill. So that memento you hung onto from your parents will have no meaning for your heirs, and it will be trashed when you're gone.
With that in mind, it's made it somewhat easier (not easy!) for me to just move on from stuff and just give it away or trash/recycle it.
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As a newbie on this site, I read the first and last pages of this thread and saw some resemblances to both people I know and myself! I'm looking at selling and moving out of a house I've owned for about a dozen years and am already struggling to get rid of stuff that came with me here but I've never used.
Something that's helped a little bit is some wisdom I got out of a book by a truck driver who does relocation moves. (The Long Haul by Finn Murphy; a good quick read if you're into that kind of thing.)
Basically he said almost everything anybody owns is trash and destined for the landfill. Modern furniture is too crappy to be worth moving in most cases, for example. And what he said about stuff with "sentimental value" really made sense to me: in two generations at most, it will all be in a dumpster on the way to the landfill. So that memento you hung onto from your parents will have no meaning for your heirs, and it will be trashed when you're gone.
With that in mind, it's made it somewhat easier (not easy!) for me to just move on from stuff and just give it away or trash/recycle it.
Agreed. I know that everything I own will go into the landfill because I have no children, and no nieces or nephews from my side of the family. I’ve already packed up and sent onto children of cousins the fuel photographs and Momentos from my mother side of the family.
So, I don’t worry about preserving anything for Future generations. I know that everything I have is meant to serve me during my lifetime and when that’s over these things will have completed their job.
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As a newbie on this site, I read the first and last pages of this thread and saw some resemblances to both people I know and myself! I'm looking at selling and moving out of a house I've owned for about a dozen years and am already struggling to get rid of stuff that came with me here but I've never used.
Something that's helped a little bit is some wisdom I got out of a book by a truck driver who does relocation moves. (The Long Haul by Finn Murphy; a good quick read if you're into that kind of thing.)
Basically he said almost everything anybody owns is trash and destined for the landfill. Modern furniture is too crappy to be worth moving in most cases, for example. And what he said about stuff with "sentimental value" really made sense to me: in two generations at most, it will all be in a dumpster on the way to the landfill. So that memento you hung onto from your parents will have no meaning for your heirs, and it will be trashed when you're gone.
With that in mind, it's made it somewhat easier (not easy!) for me to just move on from stuff and just give it away or trash/recycle it.
Agreed. I know that everything I own will go into the landfill because I have no children, and no nieces or nephews from my side of the family. I’ve already packed up and sent onto children of cousins the fuel photographs and Momentos from my mother side of the family.
So, I don’t worry about preserving anything for Future generations. I know that everything I have is meant to serve me during my lifetime and when that’s over these things will have completed their job.
As I declutter I ask DD if there is something she wants. She knows that I am fine with her saying "No" and most of the time that is the answer I get.
Saving and passing things down was fine when things were in short supply - think of what our ancestors left behind as they moved to new places. But now there is such a glut, I am going to enjoy my things and use them up. I use my nice china, I use my nice yarn, I don't save the good stuff and use the crappy stuff. And if something is "too good to be used",why am I giving it space and energy in my life?
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So true.
My grandmother said if you despair when a silver spoon gets eaten by your garbage disposal accidentally, then you shouldn't own silver spoons. spot on.
Almost all of my most fancy household goods came from the local rescue mission thrift store . . . people really don't want most items from their family estates at all.
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So true.
My grandmother said if you despair when a silver spoon gets eaten by your garbage disposal accidentally, then you shouldn't own silver spoons. spot on.
Almost all of my most fancy household goods came from the local rescue mission thrift store . . . people really don't want most items from their family estates at all.
My lovely Noritake china that I use every day came from an estate sale. I'm sure it was their "good" china and was lovingly cared for. I put it in the dishwasher. By the time the silver trim is gone I will be gone too. I have really nice (feels good when I hold it) Lagostina ss cutlery. No polishing! My crystal is mostly from my grandparents. My little crystal liqueur glasses are from Value Village. And it is good crystal. My steak knives are from a yard sale - 6 knives for $5. 2 were crap (and I donated them) the other 4 were Henckels made in Holland. Still in great shape over a decade later.
When I left my husband almost all our furniture and household goods stayed behind, I just took what had come from my family. My money was going to the lawyer, not furnishing my new house. I furnished it from rummage sales and yard sales and thrift shops and estate sales, and the living room furniture was bought 6 months later on Boxing Day. A friend told me she thought my decor was very elegant. ;-)
It can be a bit of a game. Figure out what is needed, then do the yard sales and thrift shops and so on. Kijiji here is good too. Online thrift shop, really. You just have to keep your eyes open. At one point Dollarama had some really nice mugs - I bought as many as they had, because their stock changes. Sure enough, they stopped carrying that design, but I have enough.
When I look around my apartment, most of it is second hand (a lot is family stuff). Some is Ikea - solid wood items that I stained and varnished. The one most expensive item, if bought new, is my floor loom - I bought it from an estate sale.
The fact that I didn't spend a huge amount on all this means I had more money free for other things, like a financially secure retirement. It also means that down the road, DD and I will be able to dispose of it without huge qualms about the invested value. I've already been down that road when I downsized and moved here, I donated a lot of stuff, didn't even try to sell it.
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My dada showed up yesterday with:
A purse
8 pairs of socks
A bottle of nail polish
Whyyyyyyyy
We have a little free library and I've started putting some of these smaller random objects in the library. They disappear pretty fast. Keeps the hassle of hauling a couple boxes to Goodwill a little lower.
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^The little free library is an excellent solution for the little random stuff that you receive.
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Could you provide some examples of non-book items that go well in the "Little Free Library"?
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Could you provide some examples of non-book items that go well in the "Little Free Library"?
In my neighborhood, the LFL will sometimes have decks of cards, sea shells, and small toys or games for kids.
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God bless my parents this is a really minor "dumb stuff" story.
When my parents buy potatoes at the store they'll give me a few pounds. My wife and I almost always say amongst ourselves "Why don't they just buy the 5# bag instead of the 10# bag if they don't think they'll eat them all before they go bad?" Because it's, on a per-pound basis, less expensive to buy the 10# bag than the 5# bag and my parents cannot fathom why they'd want to pay "more" for less potatoes.
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God bless my parents this is a really minor "dumb stuff" story.
When my parents buy potatoes at the store they'll give me a few pounds. My wife and I almost always say amongst ourselves "Why don't they just buy the 5# bag instead of the 10# bag if they don't think they'll eat them all before they go bad?" Because it's, on a per-pound basis, less expensive to buy the 10# bag than the 5# bag and my parents cannot fathom why they'd want to pay "more" for less potatoes.
Do they not know that potatoes stored somewhere cool, dry and dark keep for weeks? (Months at the right time of year when the tubers are dormant.)
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Could you provide some examples of non-book items that go well in the "Little Free Library"?
I can't say how well they went, but they were taken!
Fabric face masks
Disposable face masks
Hand sanitizer
Bag of dry beans
Nail polish
Puzzles
Canned goods
Small toys
Art supplies (I put out a bunch of packages of markers and crayons and glue sticks)
A Lego advent calendar
Lego sets
You get the idea.
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God bless my parents this is a really minor "dumb stuff" story.
When my parents buy potatoes at the store they'll give me a few pounds. My wife and I almost always say amongst ourselves "Why don't they just buy the 5# bag instead of the 10# bag if they don't think they'll eat them all before they go bad?" Because it's, on a per-pound basis, less expensive to buy the 10# bag than the 5# bag and my parents cannot fathom why they'd want to pay "more" for less potatoes.
Do they not know that potatoes stored somewhere cool, dry and dark keep for weeks? (Months at the right time of year when the tubers are dormant.)
We have the problem that in our small kitchen nowhere actually meets this definition. And our basement has crumbling limestone walls that get dust all over everything and creeps into any container you put down there. Idk what their parents' situation is, but our potatoes only keep for less than a month, which I could not eat 10 lbs in a month, at least not happily lol.
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DW and I did a 1 year Marie Kondo style "purge" 2 years ago when we moved into the house we are retiring in. It was a big pain, but we are so glad we did it and dropped off many many loads at Goodwill.
So glad we did because starting Nov 1 our Goodwill said they will no longer be accepting large items like sofa's and "brown" furniture. We are already seeing larger items being placed curbside in hopes that someone will take them.
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Yes, furniture has basically become a disposable item in the US. And so many people were "nesting" and watching HGTV during the pandemic that I'm sure there is now a glut of gigantic, dark-colored, used furniture.
Good news if you are in the market for used furniture, though!
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Deep down Dad wants to relate with us and cars are the only way he knows how to do it. But that's hard do with the limited time we have and want to spend at the grandparent's house. You might think that grandpa (and grandma) would want to travel to us to visit (they are retired without much else on their schedule, and live 3 hours away). But for reasons we don't fully understand they make virtually no effort to come visit us. This may actually be the source of what bothers me so much about the project car.
Edited away a longer ramble. TLDR: Dealt with the same things in my family, including the collector cars. Some solid advice from others here.
I manage my relationship with my parents like a chess game. It has taken half a century but finally I'm getting good at it.
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One way to deal with a nine year old and your father's collector car interest is plastic scale models for your son. It might build interest. Might help him be detail oriented. They make good special day gifts. Also, depending on what kind of glue you use, they can be broken down and rebuilt. We had a pickup truck model that I built as a small child. I assembled it with my grandfather using white glue several times. He wasn't a car guy but he was into crafts.
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We're really lucky to have both adults and children who enjoy building legos together in our household. There are some impressive models of cars in the Lego world.
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Leogs are excellent. We purchased one of the elaborate sets for someone in the family for this Christmas. And they seem to last forever.
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My MIL buys crap from Traitor Joe's and Costco impulsively. I'd say it's on the order of $100 a week. All this stuff piles up in their living and dining room then she feels guilty and tries to foist it upon everyone around her.
She showed up this week for Christmas with boxes of crap she wants to dump on us, in addition to the usual gift exchange:
- a huge box of hot chocolate bombs from costco
- about four pounds of slave free chocolate in bar form
- boxes of assorted chocolates
- a can of deep fried onions
- candles
- coffee creamer
- flower bulbs
- a 1.5 lb danish
- christmas poppers (the table place settings)
The sweets are particularly annoying because we worked hard to make nice christmas cookies and desserts for each meal, only to be flooded with other sugary crap.
I always say we don't want any of this stuff, and she says "but we'll never use it! you guys should take it, you'll use it!". It's a dance of politeness and guilt we're too familiar with now. They're at retirement age and scrambling to save and leave a job she hates. This habit is probably stress related so I try not to be too hard on her.
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^Have you tried the "Mom, we love you. Because we love you, we want you to be able to retire soon since your job is stressing you out. So, please stop buying stuff to give us and start padding your retirement savings instead. Every time you see something you are compelled to buy that isn't in your grocery list, please remember that we love you and want you to have that money for yourself instead."
I don't know if it will work. But keep emphasizing love I guess?
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Sounds like Mom needs to learn how to flex her frugal muscles b/c once she is retired, her budget might be more limited. Start practicing now.
I just have a relative that sends magazines home with us that we don't read. I just move them to the recycle bin after they leave. Magazines don't cover any relevant topics for us. The thought is nice. Think golfing mags and we don't golf.
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My parents retired and moved earlier in 2021, so a LOT LOT LOT of stuff went bye bye.
Mom, in the new place, wanted a wall of bookcases. She has 5 IKEA bookcases, and they're full. They've also got books in the basement now. Well, apparently, mom is continuing to buy books. So instead of having to dispose of dozens of boxes of china when they die, it looks like we'll be disposing of dozens of boxes of books. And a fair number of book cases.
Oh well. The books are preferable, and at least I know the house is relatively clean (because there's a cleaner coming monthly, which we tried and failed to get going years ago but have finally succeeded).
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Take the food you don’t want to a shelter. Ours loves food donations even dessert or candy.
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My MIL buys crap from Traitor Joe's and Costco impulsively. I'd say it's on the order of $100 a week. All this stuff piles up in their living and dining room then she feels guilty and tries to foist it upon everyone around her.
She showed up this week for Christmas with boxes of crap she wants to dump on us, in addition to the usual gift exchange:
- a huge box of hot chocolate bombs from costco
- about four pounds of slave free chocolate in bar form
- boxes of assorted chocolates
- a can of deep fried onions
- candles
- coffee creamer
- flower bulbs
- a 1.5 lb danish
- christmas poppers (the table place settings)
The sweets are particularly annoying because we worked hard to make nice christmas cookies and desserts for each meal, only to be flooded with other sugary crap.
I always say we don't want any of this stuff, and she says "but we'll never use it! you guys should take it, you'll use it!". It's a dance of politeness and guilt we're too familiar with now. They're at retirement age and scrambling to save and leave a job she hates. This habit is probably stress related so I try not to be too hard on her.
Thanks for the belly laugh over “Traitor Joe’s!”
I don’t think I’ve ever found slaves in any of my chocolate either! Thankfully.
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My MIL buys crap from Traitor Joe's and Costco impulsively. I'd say it's on the order of $100 a week. All this stuff piles up in their living and dining room then she feels guilty and tries to foist it upon everyone around her.
She showed up this week for Christmas with boxes of crap she wants to dump on us, in addition to the usual gift exchange:
- a huge box of hot chocolate bombs from costco
- about four pounds of slave free chocolate in bar form
- boxes of assorted chocolates
- a can of deep fried onions
- candles
- coffee creamer
- flower bulbs
- a 1.5 lb danish
- christmas poppers (the table place settings)
The sweets are particularly annoying because we worked hard to make nice christmas cookies and desserts for each meal, only to be flooded with other sugary crap.
I always say we don't want any of this stuff, and she says "but we'll never use it! you guys should take it, you'll use it!". It's a dance of politeness and guilt we're too familiar with now. They're at retirement age and scrambling to save and leave a job she hates. This habit is probably stress related so I try not to be too hard on her.
Thanks for the belly laugh over “Traitor Joe’s!”
I don’t think I’ve ever found slaves in any of my chocolate either! Thankfully.
Maybe try "Mom, If you want to bring us useful things from Costco, here are the SKU's for the toilet paper and paper towels we prefer..."
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I visited my parents’ second house (they share it with my sister and her family). It’s already a huge mess and they’ve been there only a year. At least it’s my sister’s problem (free house = deal with the mess).
So many reasons I’m thankful to be independent and not living near there.
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^Have you considered that your sister and her family may be contributing to the mess problem rather than doing anything to make it better?
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My dad was a gearhead and racing enthusiast. Yard looks like a Fallout LARP.
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My dad..I recently visited him and was disgusted but not surprised by the large amount of crap he keeps. So he claims he has some books by an old mystery author that are worth a good sum. Not believing him I checked the market rate on ebay and found they were essentially worthless not over $7 apiece. But i got off easy i decided to take the books to work to recycle them and not throw them away.
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Could you provide some examples of non-book items that go well in the "Little Free Library"?
I can't say how well they went, but they were taken!
Fabric face masks
Disposable face masks
Hand sanitizer
Bag of dry beans
Nail polish
Puzzles
Canned goods
Small toys
Art supplies (I put out a bunch of packages of markers and crayons and glue sticks)
A Lego advent calendar
Lego sets
You get the idea.
Great list. I also put tea in LFLs, because books and tea are a perfect pairing.
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The list from @LD_TAndK is familiar. My mom buys crap snacks and candy from Ikea and Sam's and then she hands it out to us on holidays (Christmas, Valentine's, Easter, July 4th, Thanksgiving, and more). Anyone want a giant bag of "coin" chocolate (probably the lowest cost chocolate ever made)?
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In my family we only eat good chocolate:)).
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In my family we only eat good chocolate:)).
I love good chocolate. I won't even look at the cheap Valentine's Day and Easter chocolate. It tastes horrible.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
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In my family we only eat good chocolate:)).
I love good chocolate. I won't even look at the cheap Valentine's Day and Easter chocolate. It tastes horrible.
In our family, we joke about my mom. When she comes to visit, she eats all of our good chocolate, and then "replaces it" with a big hunk of cheap waxy crap.
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In my family we only eat good chocolate:)).
I love good chocolate. I won't even look at the cheap Valentine's Day and Easter chocolate. It tastes horrible.
In our family, we joke about my mom. When she comes to visit, she eats all of our good chocolate, and then "replaces it" with a big hunk of cheap waxy crap.
That's like drinking real champagne (i.e. from the Champagne region of France) and replacing it with Baby Duck.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Some of those are just regular chocolate. Mars bars, Cadbury. Nothing somewhat special, like Lindt. Can you not get them where you are? I mean, I can get a Mars bar at Dollarama for $0.88CAN.
So should we be saying - don't move to Canada for the universal health care, move to Canada because we have good chocolate? ;-)
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Some of those are just regular chocolate. Mars bars, Cadbury. Nothing somewhat special, like Lindt. Can you not get them where you are? I mean, I can get a Mars bar at Dollarama for $0.88CAN.
So should we be saying - don't move to Canada for the universal health care, move to Canada because we have good chocolate? ;-)
Lindt Gold Bars are my go-to when I want a decent chocolate at a good price. Or, at this time of year, Lindt bunnies from Costco.
You can get some of what's in the pic at a local import store, but, unlike in Canada, you generally don't get real Cadbury chocolate here in the US. We get the Hershey's Cadbury, which has nothing to do with the original Cadbury apart from the name. Cadbury UK were in financial difficulties at one point, and sold the US rights to Hershey.
If I want to move up from Lindt, Neuhaus is probably my favorite.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Back in the days before you could find Lindt chocolate everywhere here in the USA as well as some other Swiss brands, my husband‘s family would travel to Switzerland where his relatives live and come home with suitcases full of chocolate bars. When the Swiss relatives came over to the United States they passed out chocolate bars to every household they visited. Chocolate bars were our currency of love.
Lindt is my favorite. Maybe I’ll look out for this Neuhas kind.
One confounding thing about Trader Joe’s was that one time I bought Swiss chocolate there and it was bad. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as bad Swiss choc. But Trader Joe’s was selling it.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Back in the days before you could find Lindt chocolate everywhere here in the USA as well as some other Swiss brands, my husband‘s family would travel to Switzerland where his relatives live and come home with suitcases full of chocolate bars. When the Swiss relatives came over to the United States they passed out chocolate bars to every household they visited. Chocolate bars were our currency of love.
Lindt is my favorite. Maybe I’ll look out for this Neuhas kind.
One confounding thing about Trader Joe’s was that one time I bought Swiss chocolate there and it was bad. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as bad Swiss choc. But Trader Joe’s was selling it.
I remember the first time I had one of those Lindt balls in the red wrapper… I believe that Heaven opened up and angels began to sing. I still have a soft spot for those.
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I remember the first time I had one of those Lindt balls in the red wrapper… I believe that Heaven opened up and angels began to sing. I still have a soft spot for those.
So much this!!!!
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I remember the first time I had one of those Lindt balls in the red wrapper… I believe that Heaven opened up and angels began to sing. I still have a soft spot for those.
So much this!!!!
Yeah. That towns to be what DH and I get each other for birthdays and Christmas, the sack of the lint balls. I got several sex sitting around the house right now in places for I can’t find them because I asked DH to hide them and dole them out to me one a time when I ask.
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My dad raised us. We never ate out. We never went to amusement parks, the theatre or anything else. No paid entertainment. He only bought ice cream and cake for birthdays. There were never cookies or other snacks in the house. He did not give us an allowance. I cooked for the entire family since I was like 11 years old. We ate poorly, like hamburgers, mac & cheese, fish sticks or spaghetti every night. We had a black and white 13" TV well into the late 80's, with very poor snowy reception from an 85% destroyed antenna from the early 70's. He didn't let me get a driver's license before I turned 18. My dad left me no inheritance. So I can't relate lol.
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My dad raised us. We never ate out. We never went to amusement parks, the theatre or anything else. No paid entertainment. He only bought ice cream and cake for birthdays. There were never cookies or other snacks in the house. He did not give us an allowance. I cooked for the entire family since I was like 11 years old. We ate poorly, like hamburgers, mac & cheese, fish sticks or spaghetti every night. We had a black and white 13" TV well into the late 80's, with very poor snowy reception from an 85% destroyed antenna from the early 70's. He didn't let me get a driver's license before I turned 18. My dad left me no inheritance. So I can't relate lol.
Just so you know - your dad sucked. The making your 11 year old make dinner for the whole family every night is getting into abuse territory. I'm sorry that your dad was like that. Even if you were poor, there are ways to behave and treat your kids that even if the facts are similar the adult child's response is radically different.
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I'm cleaning out my parents' house one car load at a time.
If I ask my dad about borrowing anything, he'll immediately find it (and he knows that "borrowing" is really code for "donating to a thrift store")
My mom is happy to give us the extra <anything>. I've learned to be careful and only accept things I know she won't re-purchase though. For example, I'll decline a toilet bowl brush if she offers because she'll pick up a dozen more "just in case." The brand new luggage sets? I'll take those because her traveling days are mostly done and she recognizes that.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Some of those are just regular chocolate. Mars bars, Cadbury. Nothing somewhat special, like Lindt. Can you not get them where you are? I mean, I can get a Mars bar at Dollarama for $0.88CAN.
So should we be saying - don't move to Canada for the universal health care, move to Canada because we have good chocolate? ;-)
Lindt Gold Bars are my go-to when I want a decent chocolate at a good price. Or, at this time of year, Lindt bunnies from Costco.
You can get some of what's in the pic at a local import store, but, unlike in Canada, you generally don't get real Cadbury chocolate here in the US. We get the Hershey's Cadbury, which has nothing to do with the original Cadbury apart from the name. Cadbury UK were in financial difficulties at one point, and sold the US rights to Hershey.
If I want to move up from Lindt, Neuhaus is probably my favorite.
Just a Neuhaus lover chiming in. Those pralines.
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Mmm, chocolate... This is the stash I brought back from a visit to family in 2014. It was a six-month supply that lasted maybe one month.
Some of those are just regular chocolate. Mars bars, Cadbury. Nothing somewhat special, like Lindt. Can you not get them where you are? I mean, I can get a Mars bar at Dollarama for $0.88CAN.
So should we be saying - don't move to Canada for the universal health care, move to Canada because we have good chocolate? ;-)
Lindt Gold Bars are my go-to when I want a decent chocolate at a good price. Or, at this time of year, Lindt bunnies from Costco.
You can get some of what's in the pic at a local import store, but, unlike in Canada, you generally don't get real Cadbury chocolate here in the US. We get the Hershey's Cadbury, which has nothing to do with the original Cadbury apart from the name. Cadbury UK were in financial difficulties at one point, and sold the US rights to Hershey.
If I want to move up from Lindt, Neuhaus is probably my favorite.
Just a Neuhaus lover chiming in. Those pralines.
Yes! Sorry for derailing the thread with chocolate posts :)
Last time I went to one of their NYC stores I think I ate $20 worth of free samples.
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During the height of the stay at home portion of the pandemic, I cleaned out my stash of fabric and gave a bunch to my Mom, who was supposed to give it to her church's quilting group. This was fabric that I had decided that I was no longer interested in for any project. But instead of donating it, she sewed it all together and made a big fluffy quilt out of it and gave it back to me! So now I have all of that fabric that I don't like back in my possession, but in a form that takes up about three times more the amount of space than it used to.
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If you’re in Canada, try Purdy’s chocolates. First rate IMO.
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If you’re in Canada, try Purdy’s chocolates. First rate IMO.
I second this. Here in Vancouver, they are a really local business too.
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During the height of the stay at home portion of the pandemic, I cleaned out my stash of fabric and gave a bunch to my Mom, who was supposed to give it to her church's quilting group. This was fabric that I had decided that I was no longer interested in for any project. But instead of donating it, she sewed it all together and made a big fluffy quilt out of it and gave it back to me! So now I have all of that fabric that I don't like back in my possession, but in a form that takes up about three times more the amount of space than it used to.
Um... it's the thought that counts? Honestly, I'd donate it.
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My dad raised us. We never ate out. We never went to amusement parks, the theatre or anything else. No paid entertainment. He only bought ice cream and cake for birthdays. There were never cookies or other snacks in the house. He did not give us an allowance. I cooked for the entire family since I was like 11 years old. We ate poorly, like hamburgers, mac & cheese, fish sticks or spaghetti every night. We had a black and white 13" TV well into the late 80's, with very poor snowy reception from an 85% destroyed antenna from the early 70's. He didn't let me get a driver's license before I turned 18. My dad left me no inheritance. So I can't relate lol.
Just so you know - your dad sucked. The making your 11 year old make dinner for the whole family every night is getting into abuse territory. I'm sorry that your dad was like that. Even if you were poor, there are ways to behave and treat your kids that even if the facts are similar the adult child's response is radically different.
Being required to cook and clean is normal for female children, and children born into female bodies, regardless of the family structure. Because I was unfortunately born into a female body, scrubbing floors and toilets was normal at age 6. I remember my mother telling me what an embarrassment to the family I was because, at age 11, I couldn't bake a pie. They forced me to learn and to make pie for the family. To this day I despise all pastry and pie in particular.
If a male person had been required to do these things, instead of being allowed to play at the same age, that would have been abusive. The "fun" chores that could be done quickly with some entertainment component were reserved for the male people, so that chores and work were easier for them and so they got used to a higher level of compensation per hour. This set them up to ask for (and frequently get) higher rates of pay as adults. Overall, it was very good training for business, but it did kind of require some designated losers.
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Indeed I've long pondered how society socializes girls toward "care" work, while "boys" are pushed toward yard- or repair work.
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Indeed I've long pondered how society socializes girls toward "care" work, while "boys" are pushed toward yard- or repair work.
yard (growing food) and cooking are part of the "care" work to repair your body after the hard work.
the division of what work is considered for girls vs boys is damn stupid. self-sufficiency and learning shouldn't have gender-based boundaries.
(saying this as a male who likes to cook, and clean, and repair vehicles, and grows fruits/veg)
back on topic - surviving parent and in-laws do not hoard, give us material crap, etc. but they do say stupid crap sometimes and then it is education time. fortunately they listen and learn.
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My dad raised us. We never ate out. We never went to amusement parks, the theatre or anything else. No paid entertainment. He only bought ice cream and cake for birthdays. There were never cookies or other snacks in the house. He did not give us an allowance. I cooked for the entire family since I was like 11 years old. We ate poorly, like hamburgers, mac & cheese, fish sticks or spaghetti every night. We had a black and white 13" TV well into the late 80's, with very poor snowy reception from an 85% destroyed antenna from the early 70's. He didn't let me get a driver's license before I turned 18. My dad left me no inheritance. So I can't relate lol.
Just so you know - your dad sucked. The making your 11 year old make dinner for the whole family every night is getting into abuse territory. I'm sorry that your dad was like that. Even if you were poor, there are ways to behave and treat your kids that even if the facts are similar the adult child's response is radically different.
Being required to cook and clean is normal for female children, and children born into female bodies, regardless of the family structure. Because I was unfortunately born into a female body, scrubbing floors and toilets was normal at age 6. I remember my mother telling me what an embarrassment to the family I was because, at age 11, I couldn't bake a pie. They forced me to learn and to make pie for the family. To this day I despise all pastry and pie in particular.
If a male person had been required to do these things, instead of being allowed to play at the same age, that would have been abusive. The "fun" chores that could be done quickly with some entertainment component were reserved for the male people, so that chores and work were easier for them and so they got used to a higher level of compensation per hour. This set them up to ask for (and frequently get) higher rates of pay as adults. Overall, it was very good training for business, but it did kind of require some designated losers.
It used to be perfectly socially acceptable and legal to beat the shit out of your wife, children and animals on a daily basis as well.
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Indeed I've long pondered how society socializes girls toward "care" work, while "boys" are pushed toward yard- or repair work.
yard (growing food) and cooking are part of the "care" work to repair your body after the hard work.
the division of what work is considered for girls vs boys is damn stupid. self-sufficiency and learning shouldn't have gender-based boundaries.
(saying this as a male who likes to cook, and clean, and repair vehicles, and grows fruits/veg)
back on topic - surviving parent and in-laws do not hoard, give us material crap, etc. but they do say stupid crap sometimes and then it is education time. fortunately they listen and learn.
@jinga nation , have you found a routine or script for managing these types of conversations? I'm starting to get a little concerned about the older adults in my own life, and if there are some tips for convincing them that I still believe in private property (one side) and still believe in public education (the other side), I'd welcome them.
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I've always considered myself lucky for the things my mom taught me. My brother and I being boys didn't save us from learning to cook, clean, etc. the same as our sister. Every Saturday, we were expected to divvy up the dusting and vacuuming (one would dust all of the glass, another would dust all the wood, and the last would vacuum). Every day, we washed dishes after dinner - my brother and sister would wash and rinse, and me being the youngest would dry the silverware. We all helped in the garden and yard (though my sister didn't mow because she was color blind and couldn't tell where she'd been). Once I was a little older, I would get home from school, call my mom at work, and ask what she wanted for dinner. If it was something I hadn't made before, she would walk me through it. Dinner was on the table when mom and dad got home. She taught each of us how to do laundry, from the age of 13 on I did all of my own. We never got an allowance, it was just expected that, as members of the household, we would contribute to that household as we were able. All three of my kids - my son included - also do all of these things (although they do get an allowance). I see it as learning some of the basic life skills they will need to survive on their own. I'm glad my mom taught me all of the things she did!
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Indeed I've long pondered how society socializes girls toward "care" work, while "boys" are pushed toward yard- or repair work.
yard (growing food) and cooking are part of the "care" work to repair your body after the hard work.
the division of what work is considered for girls vs boys is damn stupid. self-sufficiency and learning shouldn't have gender-based boundaries.
(saying this as a male who likes to cook, and clean, and repair vehicles, and grows fruits/veg)
back on topic - surviving parent and in-laws do not hoard, give us material crap, etc. but they do say stupid crap sometimes and then it is education time. fortunately they listen and learn.
@jinga nation , have you found a routine or script for managing these types of conversations? I'm starting to get a little concerned about the older adults in my own life, and if there are some tips for convincing them that I still believe in private property (one side) and still believe in public education (the other side), I'd welcome them.
Unsure what you mean by "private property" - context unclear.
Wife and I do believe in public education. We only talk about it when someone else starts the conversation, and is willing to have a meaningful dialogue.
I've found it best to NOT impulsively react to "stupid illogical statements" made by adults, young or old. there may be a generational, technological, cultural or some other divide. take a moment to think why older adult said it. and then use logical statements to point out fallacies and come up with a solution/workaround/answer.
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Thanks for the wise advice. I was using "private property" and "public education" to very gently signal bogeymen for the far right (who believe the socialists are coming for them) and the far left (who believe Republican policy will completely dismantle any form of public program, no matter how beneficial it's been)
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We went through this with my in-laws' stuff after they passed. The work involved with hauling everything away has stayed with me.
When we FIREd and relocated we moved from a typical family home that was too big for two people into a +55 condo. To accomplish this, truckloads of our stuff was donated, consigned and given to nephews. The move wore us out, but we had huge relief when it was over.
Now I'm watching new neighbors, many of whom are old enough to be my parents, struggle with the downsizing required to move into a place like this. Many have storage units. Still, others are always contacting the HOA wanting to know if we want their old furniture and stuff. We say no to 99% of it. Otherwise our common areas would look like someone's junky, mismatched basement. And sometimes I feel like others just want the HOA to function like their estate agent.
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My parents are slowly weeding through things, with the expressly stated mission of my sibling and I not having to go through it when The Time Comes. While they keep a very tidy house and are not remotely hoarders, there are definitely things that have collected. This past Christmas, mom separated out the ornaments that were siblings and mine, and those that were hung on the tree growing up but that no longer make the cut (her tree is all teddy bears now). Sibling and I were each given the ones that were specific to us, and offered our pick of anything else, and everything left over was donated. It seems like there are more and more of these projects and I occasionally get an email with a photo of a stuffed animal or other sentimental item, asking if I want her to save it and give it to me next time she sees me, or donate it. I say 'no, thank you' to probably 98% of it it, but have taken a few items either because they are useful to me or because they are highly sentimental.
And all of this is after they downsized about 15 years ago when moving from the family home to a 55+ community (though still a fairly large house by 55+ community standards, with 3 bedrooms and 3 car garage).
They have space for this stuff so could easily choose to just continue ignoring it. I know these purging efforts are motivated by just easing the burden for sibling and me , and I genuinely appreciate it. And they are doing it in such a way that it is not an overwhelming task for them, either. Just a box here and there, or going through things as they come up (like the Christmas decor).
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We went through this with my in-laws' stuff after they passed. The work involved with hauling everything away has stayed with me.
When we FIREd and relocated we moved from a typical family home that was too big for two people into a +55 condo. To accomplish this, truckloads of our stuff was donated, consigned and given to nephews. The move wore us out, but we had huge relief when it was over.
Now I'm watching new neighbors, many of whom are old enough to be my parents, struggle with the downsizing required to move into a place like this. Many have storage units. Still, others are always contacting the HOA wanting to know if we want their old furniture and stuff. We say no to 99% of it. Otherwise our common areas would look like someone's junky, mismatched basement. And sometimes I feel like others just want the HOA to function like their estate agent.
Movers who specialize in downsizing moves often know of suitable places to donate furniture, and will do the hauling as part of the move. That is what I did when I went from 3200 sq ft (including a finished basement) to 900 sq ft. The movers were recommended by my seniors apartment building manager. If your HOA can find movers like this, recommending them to new buyers would be very useful.
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In-laws did a full storage R&R. Looks great now. Still pulling things out to show DW.
We joke that there must be a hidden storage room somewhere in that house. Hopefully it doesn't look like the warehouse at the end of the first Indiana Jones movie. ;)
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So . . . my elderly mom plays cards at her local public senior center. From the discussions they have there, she learned about public assistance programs, and she has signed herself up for all manner of public assistance including food stamps and getting "hampers" of food from the local mission. We live on opposites sides of the country and I didn't know she had done that until a recent visit. Since her social security income is extremely low, and she didn't save for retirement, I am not opposed to her participating in these programs.
But, the weird thing is the sheer amount of food she has accumulated. She's a little old lady who barely moves around, so she eats like a bird. She cooks from scratch and she's always been really thrifty to a level that would survive the great depression, so she uses the food stamps to buy staples and the cheapest possible version of everything when it is on sale. But instead of telling the mission that she should be taken off of their "holiday hamper" list, for example, she just accumulates and accumulates. Food has built up to overflow her gigantic walk-in closet of a pantry, expired batches of things riddle her fridge, canned goods starting to pile up on her kitchen counters, etc.
For awhile she was trying to fob some of the excess off on my brother and his family, who live nearby. They have a pretty large garden and would rather make their own choices about what food they eat, so they have declined forcefully enough times that she gave up.
So now she reports taking it to the food bank sometimes, which is a good thing. She still has a dragon's pile of food at her house, but at least she has an outlet for all of the excess. The whole cycle just strikes me as weird, though I suppose it gives her something to do. She clearly is proud that she donates to the food bank, since she mentions it pretty much every time I talk to her, so there's that.
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My mother finally got the message that I didn't want any more of her stuff (my home still has not recovered from the influx of items when I emptied her house two years ago). Since shopping was her major life's hobby, she now keeps throwing away stuff (like household goods) saying she's going to die soon and won't need it any more, then rebuying it. Sometimes she tries to slip items to my kids, who don't want them either. I find this frustrating but she's not going to change.
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This weekend's haul:
2 bags of licorice
Half the ingredients to make lasagna
Lotion
Face mask (the skin care kind, not the Covid kind)
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This weekend's haul:
2 bags of licorice
Half the ingredients to make lasagna
Lotion
Face mask (the skin care kind, not the Covid kind)
So, is this stuff your parent dumped on you? or is it stuff you removed from their house because you can actually use it?
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My inlaws (in their mid 70s) recently upsized into a 6k square foot house and then began having health problems.
They recently asked us to let them know what furniture we want when they die. They are upset that we didn't want any because they bought it all for their kids to "inherit".
Our house is a bit over 1700 square feet if you include our half finished basement and is over a hundred years old, so the rooms aren't built to accommodate large furniture. We couldn't take their bedroom furniture even if we wanted to, as we wouldn't be able to get it up or down our stairwells.
My mom tries to unload a few things every time we visit, mostly glass wear and such. She often sneaks it into my bags after I've told her no. Usually, I just post it on my neighborhood buy nothing group. I try to encourage my mom to join her local group, as I'm driving stuff hundreds of miles just to dispose of it. But if people can use it, I'll deal with it for now.
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Worked on friends' computer the other night. Actually the computer was fine, had to show them how to use a credit card website.
As I was leaving friend (90s) tried to give me food, clothing and money.
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My MIL now lives near us. She is the queen of giving away stuff, giving weird stuff and then having a huge opinion on what we're allowed to do with it once its in our homes. She says she wants her home clean and not to give her anything... she even returned a Christmas gift to us in a plop at our house, with a very ironic explanation that we should not buy her things that go in her house at all, only consumable items. I was super offended, but i managed to get it returned to the store without a receipt so I'm happy in retrospect.
She stopped giving my kids cash because she was offended that they'd saved it all up and put it in their bank accounts. Cash is for frivolous spending only apparently.
Recent things she's unloaded in our home: swim weights, a sun hat (that's hers for when she comes over but she expects me to wear when she's not around), a tiny dustpan set, a bucket, another bucket from a sandwich shop that used to store pickles, a shelf can stacking thing. DH cannot even remotely mention an item or she will buy it for him.
She did bring over 2 pepper jelly jars and I've been eating them by myself for weeks. I bet she will ask where they are when she comes over.
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My MIL now lives near us. She is the queen of giving away stuff, giving weird stuff and then having a huge opinion on what we're allowed to do with it once its in our homes. She says she wants her home clean and not to give her anything... she even returned a Christmas gift to us in a plop at our house, with a very ironic explanation that we should not buy her things that go in her house at all, only consumable items. I was super offended, but i managed to get it returned to the store without a receipt so I'm happy in retrospect.
She stopped giving my kids cash because she was offended that they'd saved it all up and put it in their bank accounts. Cash is for frivolous spending only apparently.
Recent things she's unloaded in our home: swim weights, a sun hat (that's hers for when she comes over but she expects me to wear when she's not around), a tiny dustpan set, a bucket, another bucket from a sandwich shop that used to store pickles, a shelf can stacking thing. DH cannot even remotely mention an item or she will buy it for him.
She did bring over 2 pepper jelly jars and I've been eating them by myself for weeks. I bet she will ask where they are when she comes over.
Well, at least you'll have less stuff to get rid of in her house, once she moves on. As long as you're not hanging onto all that stuff, look at it as helping her declutter. But if you want her to stop, just mention that the thrift store was sure happy to get some nice things!
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This weekend's haul:
2 bags of licorice
Half the ingredients to make lasagna
Lotion
Face mask (the skin care kind, not the Covid kind)
So, is this stuff your parent dumped on you? or is it stuff you removed from their house because you can actually use it?
This is what they showed up with at our house.
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My MIL now lives near us. She is the queen of giving away stuff, giving weird stuff and then having a huge opinion on what we're allowed to do with it once its in our homes. She says she wants her home clean and not to give her anything... she even returned a Christmas gift to us in a plop at our house, with a very ironic explanation that we should not buy her things that go in her house at all, only consumable items. I was super offended, but i managed to get it returned to the store without a receipt so I'm happy in retrospect.
She stopped giving my kids cash because she was offended that they'd saved it all up and put it in their bank accounts. Cash is for frivolous spending only apparently.
Recent things she's unloaded in our home: swim weights, a sun hat (that's hers for when she comes over but she expects me to wear when she's not around), a tiny dustpan set, a bucket, another bucket from a sandwich shop that used to store pickles, a shelf can stacking thing. DH cannot even remotely mention an item or she will buy it for him.
She did bring over 2 pepper jelly jars and I've been eating them by myself for weeks. I bet she will ask where they are when she comes over.
Well, at least you'll have less stuff to get rid of in her house, once she moves on. As long as you're not hanging onto all that stuff, look at it as helping her declutter. But if you want her to stop, just mention that the thrift store was sure happy to get some nice things!
No she demands to see the stuff / potentially use it again etc. She gets horribly offended and its not the sort of thing I can speak about. See the kids money thing above.
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This weekend's haul:
2 bags of licorice
Half the ingredients to make lasagna
Lotion
Face mask (the skin care kind, not the Covid kind)
So, is this stuff your parent dumped on you? or is it stuff you removed from their house because you can actually use it?
This is what they showed up with at our house.
LOL - my MIL does this whenever she visits. Stuff just appears in random places. We call them "Susan Sprinkles".
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^Sounds like your hubbies needs to casually mention the thrift shop donation. You are wise to stay mum yourself.
I have a parent and an aunt like this, who think they can demand to see any item they have randomly foisted on us, and I am glad they now live far, far away from me.
My Mom actually randomly asked about an illustrated book on Baba Yaga the other day . . . she wanted to make sure I still had it because it is "out of print." She doesn't seem to realize that there are like a gazillion similar books about Baba Yaga, some of which have basically the same illustrations. Whatever, I still have it because we have lots of built in bookshelves. It is just such a random thing to be worried about: "Make sure you never give away that beat up, jacketless, water stained book I gave you 20 years ago because it is out of print." It's not like it was my favorite childhood story or anything, and it's not like it was some sort of special thoughtful gift. She just hoards books and we serve as an outlet for her to justify her book shopping addiction. Most of the books ever printed are out of print, and most of them are not at all valuable despite that, so I just don't get it.
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I guess I should be grateful my MIL hoards stuff and KEEPS it. She is a true hoarder (though not as bad as what's shown on TV). She won't give away *anything*. She even keeps paper grocery bags "in case she needs them." For what, I have no idea. She has literally hundreds of them. So--early on, before I realized that she's emotionally attached to things--I asked if I could have some because I use them to put under mulch to keep the weeds down. She said no "because she needs them."
When our vacuum broke a few months ago, DH said he'd grab one of her old vacuums (she has 6 broken ones in the basement) and try to fix it. She said no.
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In my family we only eat good chocolate:)).
I love good chocolate. I won't even look at the cheap Valentine's Day and Easter chocolate. It tastes horrible.
well, it tastes like wax. You not like wax? Whatsa matta wid you?
Haha
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I guess I should be grateful my MIL hoards stuff and KEEPS it. She is a true hoarder (though not as bad as what's shown on TV). She won't give away *anything*. She even keeps paper grocery bags "in case she needs them." For what, I have no idea. She has literally hundreds of them. So--early on, before I realized that she's emotionally attached to things--I asked if I could have some because I use them to put under mulch to keep the weeds down. She said no "because she needs them."
When our vacuum broke a few months ago, DH said he'd grab one of her old vacuums (she has 6 broken ones in the basement) and try to fix it. She said no.
I feel bad for whoever has to ultimately clear the house.
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We have some close friends and the husband is a hoarder. It's a big problem and is putting some real tension on their relationship. He refuses to clean or throw anything out, or even acknowledge that he has a problem or discuss it with his wife. I was at their house this weekend to help them "organize", and just walking in gave me intense anxiety. Every single surface has stuff on it and there's only some paths cleared between all the stuff. The organizing and mostly just moving stuff from one surface to another surface. She's 6 months pregneant and she was the only one who did any cleaning/organizing but now she's not really able to do it and it's really piled up quickly. I helped them put some stuff on shelves and most of it was just empty containers, like a really nice empty case that was for microphones... why do they have a case specifically for microphones? No idea, they have no microphones and neither sing. There was no where to sit so i cleared some stuff on the coach (by clearing i just mean shoving a bunch of garbage over which the husband got annoyed with me for) and I came across a (presumeably used) diaper... their current child is 3 and out of diapers... apparently they had some friends over with a baby a few weeks earlier...
My wife talked to her friend and she is coming over to talk to us about what we can do to help. She's totally overwhelmed and it's a major source of stress and anxiety for her. Really really hard stuff.
He also constantly tries to give me some of his stuff, which we've started taking to then throw out just to try to help.
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We have some close friends and the husband is a hoarder. It's a big problem and is putting some real tension on their relationship. He refuses to clean or throw anything out, or even acknowledge that he has a problem or discuss it with his wife. I was at their house this weekend to help them "organize", and just walking in gave me intense anxiety. Every single surface has stuff on it and there's only some paths cleared between all the stuff. The organizing and mostly just moving stuff from one surface to another surface. She's 6 months pregneant and she was the only one who did any cleaning/organizing but now she's not really able to do it and it's really piled up quickly. I helped them put some stuff on shelves and most of it was just empty containers, like a really nice empty case that was for microphones... why do they have a case specifically for microphones? No idea, they have no microphones and neither sing. There was no where to sit so i cleared some stuff on the coach (by clearing i just mean shoving a bunch of garbage over which the husband got annoyed with me for) and I came across a (presumeably used) diaper... their current child is 3 and out of diapers... apparently they had some friends over with a baby a few weeks earlier...
My wife talked to her friend and she is coming over to talk to us about what we can do to help. She's totally overwhelmed and it's a major source of stress and anxiety for her. Really really hard stuff.
He also constantly tries to give me some of his stuff, which we've started taking to then throw out just to try to help.
You sound like a good friend, but I would not get involved in the husband’s pathology of hoarding. . You are doing a good deed by taking stuff he gives you and pitching it. That’s the best you can do. You cannot help the pregnant wife. You have no power to change the husband’s behavior.
Pregnant wife knew who he was when she married him, she knew who he was when she had baby number one, she knows who he is having baby number two.
There’s no way I would raise children in that kind of environment that will inevitably lead to filth (Dirty diaper is the harbinger of that. )
I think a good lesson in the human drama is this: don’t take on responsibility when you have no authority to act.
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My parents didn't exactly hoard, but they were both born around WW2 and have the accompanying mentality; they like to be prepared, and they like their hobbies. This changed about 10 years ago, when my mother had a health scare, and my sister declared herself extranged from them and refused further contact (they reconnected tentatively about 5 years later).
My parents have had a few more health scares since then, and have declining health. The 'Home Assessment Assistant' from the health insurance company (specifically dedicated to falls prevention and longer independent living) advised them on removing a large number of items in their home, which they have done. Every item they discussed, I would get facetimed and asked if I wanted it. The answer was usually 'no'. Now, every time we visit them for a weekend, there is a dedicated shelf in the wardrobe with items they are getting rid of, and I can help myself to any of them. Items I don't take, I put in a box or bag next to the front door, which is the dedicated 'out' position. They will then take it to a charity shop or auction house; until it actually leaves, all visitors will be asked to peak in the box or bag and take anything they fancy. They started by getting rid of most of their books, my mother's pieces of fabric, and my father's miniature trains.
My parents also used to volunteer to help any older church members that had to move into elder care. Any items not moved, they would help relocate. Sometimes by throwing out, sometimes by adding to the church garage sale, or selling on specialised websites (all profits to go to either to elderly person or the church). They enjoy relocating stuff, they enjoy adding to their home decor for a while and then moving stuff on, helping people.
They have not read, but definitely have the 'Swedish Death Cleaning' mindset.